Chapter Twelve

September 1865

Julia Papen's house was situated near Manassas Junction, where four years before the first great battle of the war had raged. It was a small but stately dwelling surrounded by a cove of trees, under which some of the same Confederate soldiers who had once fought there now sat as they devoured the first decent meal they had received in a long time.

The men were scrawny, returning home after so many of years of fighting a war that was never supposed to last more than a few months. They were also wounded, most of them, and sickly and malnourished from meager army rations. A steady stream of returning soldiers flowed through Manassas on their way south in the months after peace had finally been reached. Some had been convalescing in hospitals, others were released from prison camps in the north, and many of them made their way to Julia Papen's home.

She was a well-bred woman, respected in the town as a good Christian who had selflessly nursed the sick and dying during the war. Even the battles in Manassas and the surrounding area failed to unseat her from her family home. Julia had lost both her husband, a major in the cavalry, and her only son at Gettysburg. She had devoted her entire life after that to the care and recuperation of wounded soldiers, and the townsfolk in Manassas venerated her for it.

It was by Julia Papen's side that Lou had spent the last three months, working tirelessly as more and more scraggly soldiers filled the roads leading south. They tended to the men, nursing their wounds, feeding them, and generally lifting the soldiers' spirits as they came to terms with the fact that the South, as they knew it, was dead. The despondency of some of the men was often difficult for Lou to understand. They were alive and going home to their families, what was more important than that? She bit her tongue, however, not wanting to destroy what little pride these men still had.

Secretly she was angry and bitter about the war, though she could never voice her unpatriotic thoughts to the likes of Julia Papen. It had brought nothing but misery to everyone she knew, including Julia who had lost her entire family. And yet Julia worked every day with an odd sense of calm — she was proud of the sacrifice her husband and son had made for The Cause. Lou saw nothing but waste and would always resent the fact that the war had taken Kid from her so soon after they were married.

Her attempts to find out what had happened to him were not progressing well, just as Isobel had predicted. For three months Lou had questioned every soldier she nursed or served a meal to. Some of them had fought at Manassas and she would badger them mercilessly until she was sure they had nothing to impart that might relate to Kid and his cavalry troop. Many of the men were so vague about the details of the fight that she was frustrated, but to them the specifics of the many engagements they fought in had blurred into one horrific memory of death and destruction. Lou soon realized that the likelihood of finding someone who could help her was fading.


One day in September, Julia was helping Lou sort through some of Virginia's clothes that no longer fitted her so they could be passed on to some of the poorer families in the area. Julia's charitable work was never-ending and Lou wondered how she managed to keep going sometimes. She felt she did not know the older woman particularly well, mainly because she felt ashamed in her presence when her own patriotic spirit failed to match Julia's.

But Lou did not dislike her, and often found herself in awe of the woman's generous and gentle nature. Julia sorted through the clothes efficiently, her mind probably on the other chores she had to do that day. Lou shook herself out of her reverie and took out another bag of clothes that she had brought from Isobel's.

Julia smiled at her as she worked, speaking little to Lou but sharing a companionable silence instead. Lou had found her silences unnerving at first, and thought her behavior was due to a coldness of character. But she soon learned that Julia was a quiet woman, content to work and make others happy with little regard for herself. Lou almost jumped in fright when Julia's voice was suddenly heard.

"What about this one, Louise?"

Julia had opened another bag and found the home-dyed mourning dress that Isobel had made for her on the farm near Columbia. It had been a pale blue dress that Lou liked to save for best, but Isobel had thought that after receiving the letter from the War Office, it was only proper that Lou should wear black.

Louise fingered the garment now, trance-like, as Julia held it out to her. She had not looked at it in over in a year, after angrily telling Isobel that until she knew for sure that Kid was dead she would not wear mourning clothes for him. She had vainly hoped that somehow the letter had been a mistake, that Kid had been transferred to another regiment and somehow the army officials had lost track of him. But now, many months after the war had ended, Lou wondered if she was being naïve waiting for him to return.

"Maybe I should keep it," she said quietly, sitting on the bed.

Julia contemplated her a moment, then sat down beside her.

"You haven't worn it yet?"

"I haven't been game to," Lou replied, running her hands over the dark gray fabric. "It would be admittin' that I'd given up. I don't know if I'm ready to do that yet."

Julia nodded silently, deep in thought. She knew why Lou had chosen to work with her in Manassas. It was her husband's home originally, and where he had been supposedly lost in battle. She knew Lou watched for him on the road every day, that she still questioned the soldiers in their care for news of him. But it had been many months now and the soldiers would eventually stop coming. Julia wondered what Louise would do when that day came.

"Do you think I'm being silly?" Lou asked her in a small voice. "Still believing he's alive, I mean."

"I don't think you're silly, Louise," said Julia, and then surprised her by taking her hand in her own. "I think you love your husband very much and want him to come home to you and your daughter."

Lou dropped her eyes which had grown misty with tears. "I think I'd know if he was dead. Shouldn't I be able to feel it if he's truly gone?" Her eyes were pleading now as she tried to read Julia's expression. "Did you know when your husband and son were killed, even before they told you?"

Julia wished she could answer in the affirmative in order to comfort Lou, but she was not a liar. The news of the deaths of her son and husband within a day of each other had devastated her so much that she contemplated taking her own life. She knew people in the town thought her incapable of so selfish an act, but she did not pretend to be the martyr they made her out to be. When she revealed this to Lou the young woman was surprised, prompting Julia to smile ruefully.

"People think I just accepted the news like a true Southern patriot, then went about my nursing duties… another tragic widow of the Great War. But it was the hardest thing I ever had to face, Louise. I, too, hoped that there was some terrible mistake and John and Edward would suddenly be at the door, safe in my arms. I held onto that hope every day until I knew it was futile. It was a difficult admission, but one I needed to make on my own."

Julia's eyes were full of tears. "I know what you are going through and all I can tell you is one day you'll know when to put this on."

Lou pondered her words thoughtfully. "I'm not sure what to believe any more. I've been waitin' for so long. Sometimes I think I'm just bein' selfish, you know, because I can't face up to the truth. I've kept my daughter here in the South throughout the whole war, just waitin' for Kid to find us. I could have gone back to Rock Creek. Rachel, my friend there, has been askin' me to come home since Ginnie was born. But I refused every time because I wanted to be close to Kid."

Lou had hidden such feelings away for so long but she wanted to tell Julia everything now. "Maybe I should go west. My brother and sister are there — they haven't even met their niece. We could all go back to Rock Creek, away from the disease and death of this war. I could just put on this dress and go home with my daughter."

Julia heard the conviction in Lou's voice, but her eyes revealed the unease behind the solution. She was tied to this place as long as Kid was missing. In Lou's mind, leaving was the obvious solution. Her husband was gone, she could go and start her life again away from the bitter memories of the South. But Lou's heart whispered that perhaps Kid was alive and trying to get home to her. He might be injured or held captive, lost far from home but always striving to return home as he promised. As long as she had a glimmer of hope she could not leave, and she could not put on her mourning dress.

"Well?" said Julia patiently. She looked kindly at the young woman, so tormented in spirit and yet oddly calm in visage. "Will you leave or stay?"

Louise smiled resolutely, swallowing the painful lump in her throat. Carefully she handed the dress back to Julia.

"You'd better put this back for now," she whispered.

Julia blinked back her own tears and heartache, packed the mourning dress back into the bag and removed it from the room. When she returned, her eyes were clear and her normal countenance was restored.

"I believe we have earned ourselves a cup of tea," she said serenely.

Lou nodded in agreement, locking her sadness away once more. Before they went downstairs however, she took Julia by the arm and gave the slim woman a quick hug.

"Thank you, Julia."

The woman smiled warmly and rested her hand on Lou's cheek. "Anytime." Linking her arm in Lou's, she lead her downstairs in search of Ginnie.