Raw

It doesn't seem so raw now, it's been a day since you gave me your answer and dashed my hopes of happiness. At the time I understood, I mean how could I not? What was I supposed to do, force you to love me? No one could do that.

But afterwards, a few hours later, after some quiet reflection or what some may describe as 'dwelling', my thoughts changed. It wasn't so much the words you used, which were kind and honest—I'd expect nothing less from you. It was the sentiment in general that began to cut like a knife. The more I thought about it the deeper the blade would penetrate my heart until I found it difficult to breathe. Despite the fact that I could literally feel the cold, hard steel in my chest I felt empty inside, shell shocked…numb.

That was it. I had taken the chance, confessed my love, opened myself completely to you and stood there at my most vulnerable asking for only one thing in return, for you to love me. I was refused. You said it wasn't possible for so many reasons, to be honest they lost their meaning after your answer was clear. You had said "no", and that was the only thing I could process. I tried to be the friend and listen to the reasons why. It wasn't as if they didn't affect me, I had a vested interest in what you were saying, but it all felt very…surreal. Honest, I was listening to what you were saying, but however valid they were they were still the reasons why you couldn't be mine.

People don't normally have the courage, it's just one of those things. But when they do, when they decide that someone is worth the risk and that they can do it, the seemingly impossible and highly daunting task of making that kind of declaration to a friend, it's supposed to have a happy ending, right? It always does in the movies, or on T.V. and in stories; they normally get their happy ending. So where's mine? I did my duty, I gave my declaration, so where's my love and happiness? That's the problem with real life, you can't re-write the story halfway through. You can't change the channel if you don't like where the story is heading. You have to let it play out, one shot, one chance…one life. That's one of the things I've learned, there are no second chances or 'do-overs', well except in Teal'c and Colonel O'Neill's case, but that's beside the point.

Yesterday my world ground to a halt, but it didn't crash, at least I have that. It doesn't seem so painful now, which is a good sign. If each day it gets a little easier then I can live with that. I know it's not your fault, I do, it's just the way it is, and it can't be helped. We will go on from here, hopefully the embarrassment I feel will fade and the pain will subside. But we will survive; because another thing I learnt yesterday was that you are my friend, a true friend, and for that you will always be worth fighting for. If friendship is all I can have, then it's what I will willingly accept. Having you in my life is the most important thing. Life's full of disappointments, it's just the way it goes. We're all the Fates' little playthings and they can toy with us as they wish. But at least today, it doesn't seem quite so raw.