Beckett: Confirmation

Wednesday 10 October

Lowering her eyes, she pushed past a stunned Castle. Ryan and Esposito hovered in the bullpen, trying to hide their concern, and failing badly.

'Ryan,' she demanded, her voice full of natural authority. 'I need everything you can find on Erin McDonnel.'

'The witness?' He looked as if he were going to say more but thought better of it. Instead, he nodded quietly and crept away.

'Espo,' she turned towards him, meeting his curious scrutiny. He shifted his stance, like a soldier standing to attention. 'Take the girl to a more comfortable room. Has she had anything to eat?' He, too, looked like he wanted to ask questions, but his colleague's shoulders-back demeanour and stone look in her eyes warned him off.

Beckett marched to her desk, hiding the internal earthquake. She sat down in her chair and pulled herself into her desk; without purpose she moved objects from one part of her desk to another. Out of the corner of her eye, she could feel him slowly walking towards her, the impending reckoning inevitable.

Castle lowered himself gingerly into the chair by her desk. Every crease in his face advertised confusion and worry. And hurt. Why does he always have to look so hurt?

'Beckett?'

'Look, Castle,' she stuttered. 'Not now. I know. A million questions, right?'

He didn't reply, it didn't seem like he could. She wheeled herself to him, the wheels screeching slightly in resistance, and reached out to one of his hands that sat uselessly in his lap. The tingling contact of flesh on flesh seemed to rouse him from his shock, and immediately he pulled her thin fingers into both of his hands, covering her hand completely.

'What do you need?' he whispered. If she had been capable of smiling at that moment it would have been a full smile, one that only Castle could bring out of her. This is why she loved him. She could see he was hurting. She knew why. Another huge secret she had kept from him. Yet here he was, immediately on her side, putting aside his own feelings. Asking how he can help her.

'I need to be sure. Just…sit with me until Ryan comes back.'

The minutes seemed like hours as they sat in silence, each leaned back heavily in their chairs, the hum of police activity gently buzzing around them. Her mind wanted to think about so many things, so many scenarios, possibilities – the hows and wherefores of why her daughter was sitting in her precinct, the witness to a double murder - yet she disciplined herself to focus on the present. She did an inventory of her desk then she slipped her gaze over Castle. She remembered their languorous morning in bed together and the sudden rush of panicked laughter and how he had pleaded with her to throw a sickie as the real world invaded their bubble. Well, the real world was catching up with them right now.

Ryan returned with a plain manila file pressed protectively against his chest.

'Kate,' he said gently - she didn't miss the rare use of her first name. 'Let's go somewhere private.'

She nodded at Castle's questioning eyes letting him know that yes, he can come with her. The less she would have to say out loud the better.


Dead. They were both dead. Beckett perched on the edge of the leather armchair, her legs too long to sit comfortably so they splayed to the side; her fingers dug into the squishy plushness of the arm rests. Erin McDonnel had been adopted on 28 December 1999 by Daniel and Niamh McDonnel. Ryan in a very short time had gone above and beyond and pulled the adoption record too. Birth mother: Katherine Houghton Beckett, aged 19. Birth Father: Unknown.

'When?'

'They were killed in a car accident just over a year ago.' An in rush of breath. A whole year. Alone. 'There was no family to take her,' Ryan studiously avoided looking at Beckett. 'She was their only child. She was put in a Children's Home. She was fostered once but it only lasted two weeks and then she was back at the Home. She ran away six weeks ago.'

Silence descended on the room as the three men shared meaningful glances. Castle sat down carefully on another armchair and shuffled closer to her, the noise echoing loudly in the heavy silence. Castle looked again at her friends, his eyes squinting pointedly towards the door. Esposito and Ryan took the hint and tiptoed out leaving them alone. Esposito took up the position of guard by the door, arms crossed, chest puffed.

She could see the questions in his eyes, the concern, and an internal monologue cantered through her mind. She wanted to explain it all to him: how and why she had done what she had done, how she had dealt with it all these years, but drowning out that voice was a much louder one. Her new-born baby, who she had let go to a couple that could give her a life, and a family, that back then she was convinced she never could, was sitting just a few meters away. Twelve years old. Orphaned. Alone.

She pulled herself upright causing Castle to sit back suddenly as if hit by a gust of wind.

'She's not going back to Child Services.'

'Kate, do you think you-'

'Can you fix it, Castle? Talk to the mayor or something? Get me emergency custody? You asked what I need. This. This is what I need.'

'You want to take her home?'

She looked at him as if he was mad. Of course, she was taking her home.

'Kate, maybe you should think about this. You haven't even met her. Does she know?'

She swallowed.

'I know. I need to-' Suddenly she couldn't speak. She could feel the reality threatening to crash over her and she resisted. Practical. She needed to think practically. Detective Kate Beckett. Problem solver. Her daughter is homeless, parentless, and she would give her a home. No questions. No space to think about emotions, next steps, proper procedure, consequences. The frightened look on the girl's face appeared before her. Erin did know who she was. It was clear as day on her face. She didn't know how but her daughter knew that she was her birth mother.

Beckett stood up and slowly paced the room, slipping her hands into the back pockets of her jeans.

'I can't go in there until I know what my rights are. I cannot go in there, tell her I'm her mother but she's going back to a Home. We have no idea what happened to her, why she ran away. Oh God, what she saw last night.' She brushed her hair back from her forehead. Castle stood close to her, not daring to actually hug her. He knew well enough by now that you only hug Kate Beckett when she's ready, when she wants it. Gently he laid both hands on her upper arms.

'I'll do what you asked, I'll sort it. But Kate, please don't go in there until I get back.' He didn't let go until she had nodded her agreement.

She watched him stride out. Her legs trembled slightly but she held herself upright, determined to pull herself together. She'd had her moment in the bathroom but now she needed to focus on Erin, on what happens next, how she was going to face her. What could she possibly say? There isn't a manual for this, this scenario was never supposed to happen. She peeked through the blinds to see Castle at the far end of the bullpen talking to the Child Services woman. It was evident he was filling her in on the situation as the woman's hand came to her mouth and she shook her head in disbelief. Ryan joined the conversation and went back into the room with the woman. Good, Ryan would make sure nothing changed, that Erin was safe, taken care of. That she wouldn't run away.

She didn't have time to let her mind slip down the rabbit hole of positing what kind of horrors her daughter had seen, how her long-ago decision had ended up so tragically wrong as the door slammed open and Gates marched in. Esposito's stricken face looked through the door apologetically.

'Detective Beckett! What is going on? I've got Esposito and Ryan skulking around the precinct; a witness who hasn't been interviewed while whispered meetings are happening behind closed doors. Not only that she's holed up in a side room for some reason. And no one is investigating this double homicide!'

The deaths in the alley. A barrage of options and images assaulted her. Her natural instinct was to be the detective, focus on the case, work the evidence which might also give her answers to why her daughter was in that alley. What danger might Erin be in – was she there coincidentally or was her presence part of the case? Was she in danger from the killer or killers? However, another part of her fought for control. The lioness who growled that her most important role right now was to be the responsible adult for her child. She would need to be sitting beside her when Erin was questioned, not across the table confronting her. If her daughter needed protection, then she would be the one to do it. Ryan and Esposito and Castle could lead the investigation, they would keep her informed, she could work the case in the background. They had earned her trust in them.

'Captain Gates, I…I need to take some vacation days. I'm sorry, I can't investigate this case.' Gates sucked in a breath and raised her eyebrows evidently shocked at her best detective walking away from a juicy homicide.

Gates looked at her hard. 'What's going on Detective Beckett? Something I should know about? Are you involved in this case?'

'In a way, yes Sir. I-' Beckett paused as she inhaled deeply through her nose. The more she said this out loud, the more real the situation became. 'That girl. The witness. I'm her birth mother.'

Gates's mouth dropped open before quickly closing again; the hard edges of her shoulders and cheekbones softened ever so slightly. 'I did not see that coming,' she said slowly.

'There's more,' Gates cocked her head to one side. 'Her adopted parents died; she doesn't have any family. I'm applying for custody.'

Gates nodded in understanding, adapting quickly to the news. 'You do what you have to do, Detective.' Stepping towards the taller woman she continued gently: 'I know you saw Dr Burke for some time. He is always available to my staff.' Beckett nodded a tight-lipped thank you.


Time had lost meaning as she had paced the room waiting for Castle to return. Then, there he was, stepping through the door, treading carefully, every muscle taut in anticipation of her needs.

'Did you get it?' She didn't care what strings he had pulled, what favours in had called in.

'Yes,' he nodded. 'But Kate, you can't just walk in there and tell her you're her mother. That's not fair on her. Let the Child Services woman tell her and then she must be asked if she wants to meet you.' His eyes held the stern and tentative look he always had when forced to tell her something that she might not want to hear.

She chewed on the inside of her cheek. He was right. She herself had reacted in shock, had had a panic attack and been sick, when unexpectedly presented with her daughter. She was so focused on the extreme and sudden paradigm shift that she needs to be a parent to her child this very second that she hadn't stopped to think whether Erin herself would even want to meet her.

'Not that woman.' There was something about her that put Beckett's back up. 'You. Can you tell her, ask her?' She hoped that the look in her eyes were enough to tell Castle how much trust and faith she had in him. These were not words that came to her easily. Her skin flushed across her whole body and her heart thundered again. What if she said no?

He must have seen the panic in her as he strode over and without asking wrapped his arms around her. She stayed stiff and she felt his nod of understanding as he backed away. She let him take her hands instead.

'It would be a privilege. Who wouldn't want to meet you?' he beamed. Despite herself, a tiny shake of the head, a mild eye roll and the smallest of twitches of a smile escaped. How could he make her laugh at a moment like this?

Her heart seemed to sit in her throat as she watched through the blinds as her boyfriend crossed the bullpen. He turned to catch her eyes before he opened the door and went in, sealing her fate. She didn't know how long she stared at the closed door, her imagination on overdrive. What words exactly was he using? Was he sitting next to her or opposite her? Was Erin shocked, happy, crying, silent? This girl was a stranger. A stranger who held a part of her soul. Suddenly, she hated that she knew nothing about her. That she had no way of knowing her personality that might determine her response to the news. She didn't even know if Erin herself knew that she was adopted. Was an enormous bomb being dropped on her, right now? She had felt recognition from her in the room but what if she had imagined it? She felt sick and had to sit back down and put her head between her knees.

She heard the door open and registered two sets of feet entering. Their aftershave gave them away. The leather on the chairs stretched and creaked as her two favourite colleagues, her friends, sank into them. She was grateful for their silent presence. She stayed in the same position, breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth slowly. Whatever the answer, she needed to be ready to hear it.

The door opened again.

This time she looked up.

'Yes. Kate. Yes, she wants to meet you.'


A/N Thank you so much for your encouraging reviews and follows. I had no idea if this was an idea worth pursuing but now that I am confident there is an audience happy to read this I can let my muse off its leash. Therefore, there will be a short interlude as I go away and actually write this story.

Like Beckett, I need to to get to know who Erin is (I want her to be a fully rounded character not just a cipher). The last time I wrote a fan fic I had already written 20K words before I posted the first chapter whereas this time I had an idea, wrote a scene and didn't know what was going to happen next. So now I need to go and write the story before posting more chapters otherwise I risk ending up in narrative knots. The ideas are coming thick and fast but need ordering and containing. My writing process tends to be to have an idea, then work out the ending and plot beats and then write in chapter order and let the pen go where it will to the climax. I have the climax in my head now so just need to let it get written. Currently I'm planning on this being from Kate's perspective, however, Castle does keep piping up and wants his point of view heard. If I feel confident in my development of Erin then maybe she too will get a narrative chapter from her perspective. We'll see.

Thank you for your patience and your kind generosity in following a new story. You who have faith in following a story as it's written are a special type of reader. I, as I'm sure many many other writers of fan fic also experience, need the knowledge of an enthusiastic audience to keep up the momentum of seeing a story through to its conclusion.