disclaimer: not mine
a/n: thanks rissa and sydne for your help
Gil sat there not moving as Catherine dragged herself off of him and into the passenger's seat, her words cutting through him more than her actions. What the hell was she thinking? Of course his body responded to her touch. He was human. Hell any man with a pulse would have responded to her touch. The more primal parts of him wanted to grab her and finish what she started. But the words she said cut through him like a knife. She wanted to hurt him and she did more than she would ever know.
It was taking everything within him not to leave her in the desert so she could carry out whatever the hell it was she wanted to do to herself. If it had been anyone else he would have left but they shared a history and no matter what she said or did he would be there for her. He just hoped Philip would arrive before she could do any more damage to their relationship.
He looked at the passengers seat. Her head rested against the window as tears fell silently down her face. He stayed where he was, the desire to do any more for her was now gone. As far as Gil was concerned she could rot in the hell she had built for herself. No woman had ever talked to him in that way and no woman ever would again, of that he would make sure. All he had wanted to do was help and she had emasculated him with her words and actions. Was this really how she saw him? She was still drunk but even when she was drunk Catherine usually meant what she said. Was he really so closed off that… No. He was not. He knew this. So why? Why would she say those words to him? Why would she do what she did to him?
It didn't matter really. She had said them and she had done what she did. And the wound was there. It was in his groin where she had touched him. The feel of her skin touching his and working him into a state of arousal. The feel of her straddled over him grinding him. The smell of the alcohol on her breath. The heat from her body as she hissed those words into his ears. All of him was wounded. No matter how regretful she might be later these were wounds that would never heal for Gil Grissom.
He looked to his watch. It wouldn't be much longer before Philip and Louise arrived. He could hold out for a while longer knowing that this ordeal was nearly over. He looked back at Catherine. She was still crying. He needed to get away from her but he couldn't leave her like this. He settled for standing at the back of the SUV. It would put some distance between them. Right now he wanted the distance. If she did something stupid he was close enough to where he would probably stop her.
This thought bothered Gil. Before her words he would definitely have stopped her if she tried something stupid. Now he "probably" would stop her. Was he really capable of allowing her to harm herself? He'd always saw himself as a compassionate man but right now he wasn't so sure. How would he react if she were to attempt to kill herself? Would he truly let her go through with it and not lift a hand? Could he watch as his friend lay their dying? Yes, he could. The answer in his head was quick and clear.
Before he had the chance to question his thoughts he heard the sound of a vehicle moving towards them. He looked in the direction of the noise and was able to make out Philip and Louise's car. Relief washed through him knowing he had only minutes to left to spend with Catherine. Mere minutes before he could leave her. Minutes before he could begin putting up the wall that would never let someone close enough to treat him like this again.
The cranberry Saab stopped beside the Denali. Philip Kane, a rotund balding black man in his 50s exited the passengers side. His wife, Louise, a woman in her 40s with gray streaks running through her hair, exited from the drivers side of the vehicle. They approached Gil together.
"What's going on?" Philip noticed the anger and hurt in Gil's face and posture immediately.
"She's in the front seat. Why don't you talk to her?" Gil wasn't about to tell anyone what had transpired just a few minutes ago. Philip knew Gil well enough to know that was all he would get so he walked around to the passenger's side door. Louise stayed with Gil, sitting beside him on the bumper.
"Whatever it is, whatever has happened, you know we are hear for you."
"I didn't call you out here for me."
"I know Gil, but something's going on and eventually you'll want to talk about it. When you do Philip and I will be there for you."
"Thanks Louise, I appreciate it." He took her hand in his and squeezed it, showing her he appreciated her concern.
Philip was standing outside the passengers door observing Catherine. When he first saw her she was staring out into the desert with tears streaming down her face. The minute she noticed him she turned away. Philip tapped the door in order to get Catherine to open it. She ignored him. He tapped it once again and received the same response. He tapped it a third time and when she didn't move he opened the door himself.
"Catherine." It wasn't a greeting but a command to look at him, a command she ignored. He was silent as he observed her body language. Her posture was that of someone who was utterly defeated. Her arms were wrapped in defiance against anyone who dared approach her. He saw the splint on her ankle and knew that if it wasn't for that her legs would also be wrapped in the same manner as her arms. He saw the cuts and scraps on her arms and face. The sight shocked him. The Catherine Willows he knew was strong, intelligent, and confident. She was the type of person who could make any situation she was in work for her. The woman before him was none of that.
"Catherine. We need to get you back to town so we can take care of your ankle." Her head turned towards him as she rolled her eyes at him before turning away again.
"Ok. I'm not going to make you talk about this if you don't want to. But you are getting out of this vehicle and getting into mine so we can get you back home. If you don't want to help us move you that is your choice but we will move you no matter what." Philip didn't want to tell her this. He knew moving her against her will could possibly cause more damage to her ankle. He also knew leaving her to ride with Gil was not in either of their best interests. Catherine shifted towards him to get out of the vehicle.
"Gil. Louise. I need your help." Philip called the two of them over to help move Catherine from the Denali to the Saab. Philip and Gil supported her shoulders while Louise opened the door of the Saab and set the passengers seat back to Catherine wouldn't have to put pressure on her injured ankle. Philip and Gil helped her into the seat with Gil strapping her in. Once she was secured Gil quickly walked away.
"Louise stay with her. I need to talk to Gil before we get going." Philip followed Gil back to his Mercedes, the both of them resting against the hood.
"Look, I need to know what's going on if I'm going to help her."
"I don't want to talk about it." Gil yelled. Philip realized something had happened after Gil had called him.
"OK. Let's do it this way. What did she do that made you call me?" Gil looked to his friend then to the Saab with Louise and Catherine.
"I needed to get some information regarding a case from her. I was calling her on her cell and she wouldn't answer. I called her home and she wasn't there so I tried her cell again, still no answer. It's not like her to just let calls go so I became worried. I kept calling and finally she picked up. She didn't sound like herself, her words were slurred and she was angry that I had interrupted her."
"Interrupted what?" Gil didn't answer. "Gil, I have to know if I'm going to help her."
"She was out her because she was going to do some coke."
"Catherine? That doesn't sound like her."
"She, uh, she had a problem in the past."
"I didn't know."
"A lot of people don't know. Anyway, I managed to find out where she was and when I got here she had the lines laid out on a mirror in the back of the Denali. She hadn't touched them but they were ready for her. We got into an argument and she ran. She tripped over something and knocked herself out. That's also how she hurt her ankle. I brought her back here and then I called you." Gil stopped here not wanting to go any further.
"And then what?" Philip knew there was a reason for Gil stopping and he needed to know it.
"And then you arrived. End of story." Gil wasn't talking.
"It's alright Gil. This will give me enough to start with. We can discuss the other later. Louise can drive your car and you drive Catherine's car. We need to get back." Philip walked back to the Saab, explaining to Louise what they were doing. Louise got into Gil's Mercedes, Gil climbed into Catherine's Denali and Philip into the Saab. Philip and Catherine pulled out first with the others following behind him. The desolation of the desert faded behind them quickly as they made their way back to Vegas.
About 15 minutes into the drive Philip turned on his XM Radio settling on an old school R&B station that was belting out Al Green's Tired of Being Alone. He sang along with the soulful singer. About halfway through the song Catherine surprised him and began singing also. They both continued singing as the next song started. Five songs later Catherine's demeanor had slightly improved. Philip reached over and turned the music down.
"You like the classics?"
"Yeah, some of the bands Eddie used to hang around with played this stuff."
"Eddie?"
"My ex-husband. Had this crazy idea he was a band manager."
"Was he?"
"Not really. Never made any money with it. Mainly used it as a way to pick up women. Promises of big things for them. Worked ever time."
"Did it work on you?"
"I married him."
"Why did you leave him?"
"Caught him in our bed with another woman. We tried marital therapy but there wasn't enough there to start with for us to save."
"Did you love him?"
"Yeah. At the time." Catherine turned the radio back up so that she wouldn't have to talk any more. The silence between the two continued for the next 20 miles or so. Catherine was the one to break this silence.
"He was shot and killed two and a half years ago. Lindsey was almost killed with him"
"Lindsey?"
"Our daughter. She was with him and nearly drowned."
"The murder was caught?"
"No. They couldn't find enough evidence to convict anyone."
"I'm sure Gil did everything he could."
"Gil? Oh please! He didn't even work the case. Assigned it to Sara instead." The bitterness in her voice came through loud and clear. Catherine turned the radio up again. Philip knew this was an avoidance technique but let it slide knowing that it was more beneficial for her to open up on her own than for him to press her into revealing what was going on. They rode in silence again.
"Lindsey blames all of it on me. The divorce. His death. The fact that his killer is still out there." This time she spoke with regret. "I blame myself too. I took her father from her when I divorced him. I saved her and couldn't save him. His body wasn't even in the vehicle." They were coming into the Vegas metro area now.
"Catherine, how about we get that ankle checked before we take you home?"
"Sounds good to me. It hurts like hell." It did hurt like hell and the thought of the pain medication was appealing to Catherine.
"How did you do it?" It was a casual question.
"I tripped over a rock." Short and to the point. This was the Catherine that Philip had dealt with in the past.
"That's what you get for playing tag with Gil in the desert." Philip was trying to keep things light so she would keep talking.
"Yeah. But no one told me the rocks were on his side."
"You know Gil, the rocks and bugs are always on his side. You're lucky he didn't have scorpions attack you." Catherine laughed. The image of Gil commanding an army of insects filled her mind.
"Why were you running?" It was a simple question.
"Because he wouldn't leave me alone."
"Was he trying to hurt you?"
"Gil? No. He stopped me from…he just wouldn't leave." Catherine closed up not wanting to talk about what happened between the two of them. Silence ensued once more. This time neither spoke until they pulled into the hospital. Philip parked the care at the ER entrance.
"I'll be right back with a chair so we can get you in there." He took the keys and walked into the Emergency Room to get an attendant and a wheel chair so they could move Catherine. Gil and Louise had pulled in behind him, both going to the visitors parking area. When Philip returned Louise and Gil were waiting for him at the car.
"Gil, why don't you go home. We'll take it from here."
"I'm not leaving her. I promised."
"Gil, you don't need to be here so go home."
"Her car. I need to clean it…"
"I'll make sure it's taken care of. Now go." Seeing that Philip wasn't going to back down and that he and Louise would make sure Catherine was alright he went to his car and left. It had been a long day. Gil was physically and emotionally drained. All he wanted was to be home in his townhouse laying in his bed, watching the discovery on his big screen tv while doing his crosswords.
Philip and Louise helped Catherine out of the car after Gil had left. They wheeled her in to the hospital. Louise sat with Catherine while Philip talked to the receptionist. The doctor on duty was a good friend of his so he decided to use that to get Catherine out of the waiting area and into a room. Even though Gil hadn't said it Philip knew he was trying to protect her career and he would do what he could to help them both. Louise stayed in the lobby to wait for them.
Philip and the attendant helped Catherine onto the bed, the attendant propping her ankle onto a couple of pillows so that it would be elevated and she wouldn't put pressure on it. He then left them to wait for the doctor.
"Catherine, tell me what really happened today." Philip was ready to get down to business.
"I told you." She didn't want to tell him why Gil was there.
"Catherine, I'm here because Gil thought I could help you." Philip took a seat beside the counter.
"Is that what he told you? I need help? That's rich. He's just using you to document what happened so his ass is covered when I'm fired." Catherine laid back against the bed.
"Why would he do that?"
"Because the lab is the most important thing in his life. Nothing comes before or after it. And anything or anyone who puts that at risk has to go." Her words were spoken as fact, not in anger and not with hatred.
"But he dropped everything to find you today." Philip decided Catherine needed to know this now.
"Probably needed me for something with a case."
"Did he mention anything about a case to you?"
"No." She said defiantly.
"What did he do?" Philip decide to push Catherine just a little since she wasn't wanting to talk.
"Nothing. It doesn't matter." This time the bitterness and hatred in her voice was evident. Philip actually entertained the thought that Gil might have done something to her.
"Catherine, did Gil hurt you in any way?"
"What? Are you kidding? NO. He wouldn't do that. Gil's not that kind of man." Catherine immediately picked up on what Philip was hinting at. As angry as she was at Gil she wasn't about to let anyone think he would harm her or touch her if she didn't want it.
"Then why are you so angry with him?" Philip continued to push her.
"Because he stopped me." Her voice was raised loud enough that a nurse momentarily stopped what she was doing to look in. Seeing that all was fine she quickly left.
"Stopped you from doing what?" Philip knew he was onto the real reason now.
"It doesn't matter. It's over." She turned away from Philip.
"Apparently it does matter, Catherine, otherwise you wouldn't be angry with him."
"It's not important any more. Can we please talk about something else?" She really didn't feel like discussing the matter.
"No, I want to discuss this. Why isn't it important to you anymore?"
"Because. It doesn't matter."
"You said that already."
"Fine. You really want to know? Because that bastard took my coke away. He stopped me from doing the first line when he called."
"Why didn't you do it after you hung up?" It was a logical question. She was a grown woman. One phone call shouldn't have stopped her if she really wanted it.
"Because he would know I did it." This time it was shame that came through loud and clear.
"And that matters?"
"NO." She paused briefly. "Yes, it matters. I didn't want him to see me like that again."
"Again?"
"I'm a recovering addict." It took her a moment to say this. Catherine had never been one to hide her past but to refer to herself as an addict of any sort was not something she usually did.
"How long has it been since your last line?" Philip was beginning to understand a little more now.
"About 11 years. I quit when Lindsey was two."
"What made you quit?"
"Eddie. He needed the money for a recording studio he wanted to add on to the house."
"So you didn't want to quit?"
"No." Philip was shocked that it had been so long. Normally an addict would relapse within a short time if they had quit for someone else.
"Why did you go so long without a relapse then?"
"Lindsey. I love her more than anything. She deserved for her mom to be clean. Lord knows her dad wasn't."
"So both of you had drug issues?" Philip grabbed some paper towels from the counter and began to make notes for later. Catherine was going to need counseling for a while.
"Yeah, it's why the marriage worked as well as it did. When we were both high things were great. It wasn't till after I cleaned up that we started having problems." Regretfully this was the truth.
"What happened?"
"We argued. Eddie hit me a few times. He started sleeping around." Catherine remembered the first time Eddie hit her and how she had blamed herself. She remembered how sorry he was and how he promised to never touch her like that again.
"And?"
"I came home early one night and there was a woman in our bed with him. I just stood there staring. I couldn't yell at him. I couldn't leave. I just stared at them lying naked in our bed, her on top of Eddie."
"OK, so how does this all tie in with Gil?" Philip was steering her back to his original question now.
"What?" Catherine was caught off guard.
"Why didn't you want Gil to see you do the coke?" Catherine gave him "the look" expecting him to back off but Philip just continued to look at her, waiting on her answer.
"I don't want to see the look in his eyes when he realizes what I've done."
"But why does that bother you?" She put her head in her hands, searching desperately for what it was she wanted to say.
"The look. It's like his soul has been crushed, but it's not his. It's mine. It's like I've crushed my soul in his eyes. My pain it's in his eyes staring back at me. And his soul is feeling everything I'm feeling. I can't stop his pain because it is my pain only he's the one feeling it. That makes no sense but I don't really know how else to describe it."
"No, you did fine. Now tell me this. If you see your pain in him why do you think he'd want you to be fired?"
"To stop the pain." In Catherine's mind that was the only reason. He was tired of her causing him pain. Tired enough to find a reason for her to be fired in order to get her out of his life.
"So you are saying you want to be fired to stop this pain?" It was a simple statement that contained the truth of the matter. Catherine thought about it for a moment before answering.
"I guess." She wasn't going to concede that it was her pain and her desire to be fired but she would give Philip the benefit of the doubt.
"What's causing this pain Catherine?" Before she could answer the doctor entered the room.
