~ Chapter 2 ~
~ Two Months later - Alice's point of view ~
"I lived my life in shadow, never the sun on my face.
It didn't seem so sad, though, I figured that was my place"
I missed countless flakes in my half-hearted attempt to count them all, as I lost myself in their multi-faceted uniqueness. Their graceful descent from the grey-purple overcast night sky made the world seem trapped inside of a vast dome, like a snow globe. It was the light drifting type of snow that seemed to come down in waves and preferred to settle in the nooks and corners and crannies on the ground. Yet the majority of it seemed to be content to swirl up and spin on any small breeze that came by. How perfect was it, that these perfect shapes were preserved in such a manner. To be shaken up again and again, instead of disappearing as soon as they hit the ground. Merging with their brothers and sisters into a blanket of white sameness. So temporary, so special, so human.
Humans. How I envy them. How their lives come and go like a candle flame, touching us with their light and the heat from their short lives, but are never able to melt our hardened hearts. Except for a few, who's mere existence burns like a bonfire, warming us to such a degree that it's dangerous to stand too close to them for fear of getting consumed by their passions. In all my long life I've only met only one that touched me like that, and I ran away from her, when all I wanted to do was fly into her like a moth to the flame.
So I counted the snowflakes as they slowly fell to the ground beneath my bedroom window. It distracted me, and took my mind away from her. Even though trying to forget her was like trying to muzzle a lion with a plastic cup, nothing kept her out of my thoughts for long. I sighed wistfully, I couldn't mope for too long or they might catch on to my never ending game. I had to pretend for them, I had to keep up pretenses that I was the Alice they used to know. Yet in that moment I allowed myself to be true to myself, which was broken and alone even though I was surrounded by people that loved me.
I tried to ignore the bangs, footfalls, clatters, groans, and occasional shouts from other parts of the house I shared with my adoptive family. Even being as quiet as our kind could be, it was difficult to remain perfectly silent at all times. Carlisle was in his office and humming absentmindedly to himself, probably to distract him from the droning, pedantic, and almost mechanical voice that was describing a new medical procedure. Besides the basic need to stay current, almost all the new procedures were online, which meant he had to watch hours upon hours of utterly tedious instructional videos. The only benefit he said he gained from them, was that it allowed him see the flaws in those procedures, in respect to his particular talents, so he could alter and improve on them so no human would die by his hand if he could help it. His dedication was beyond admirable, it bordered on selfless obsession.
Esme was humming the same melody as Carlisle, as she mixed paint for her new masterpiece that no one except the family would ever see. At the moment I paused to hear her, she was tapping a brush against her easel to knock off any excess paint. I idly wondered whether she was painting a portrait or an abstract, or something else entirely, since years and years of practice had distilled her impressive natural talent into something unseen in the human world. Her exquisite attention to detail, and perfect brush strokes could only be duplicated by machine, so her brilliant works of art went directly into our private gallery. Even with her dozens of truly impressive pieces, in truth I only ever went in there to look at one. A portrait of her.
I pushed thoughts of her away, and tried to focus on anything else. I looked at the snowflakes, but they just conjured up more memories of her. So I closed my eyes and listened to the rest of the house. Rosalie was in her workshop using some god-awfully loud machine that did something to make holes in metal. In the den I could hear Edward rearranging one of his old compositions on his tablet a pastime that he indulged in often, since he hadn't written a new note in a very long time. And Emmett was playing whatever shooting game had his attention at the moment. His overly large frame rattled the couch each time he moved.
I heard Jasper and Adara in the den murmuring to one another. Jasper was my best friend in the world, and until he met Adara, he was my lover. We met each other when we both needed someone, but both of us knew we weren't soul mates. When we met Adara in Calgary almost fifty years ago, their connection was immediate. I think everyone in the family was surprised when I stepped aside without argument or protest.
Adara had a calming influence on Jasper, which surpassed anything I had been able to do for him. It wasn't a special power she had, it was just her natural effect on him. Adara was everything I wasn't. She was tall, almost as tall as Emmett, her physique was athletic. She also had senses far better than average, even among vampire kind, able to pick up scents and hear things before the rest of us. She was solemn and serious and with her general sense of calmness, she complimented Jasper's personality in ways I never had. At first she had been very standoffish around me, but that didn't last very long. Once she realized I harbored no jealousy or dislike because of her relationship with Jasper, she became much friendlier. Vampires can be very territorial about their mates and the knowledge that Jasper and I had been lovers, or intimate friends I guess, set even Adara's usually calm instincts on edge. However, once we got past the point where she thought I might try and claim him from her, we settled into a friendship; at least as much of a friendship as I was able to muster.
Nothing much induced me to be fully committed to my endless life. Even my attempts at any sort of design and art were lifeless. After a while I gave up, and just wandered around from distraction to distraction without a real sense of what I was doing. Sure I let myself enjoy the moment, because it was essential that I came across as alive, but it was all an act. I'd been dead inside for years. I think it really got bad when I was sure that my Bella's mortal life was over. Even if she had lived to be hundred years old, by now she would've been gone for over a decade.
I sighed and made my way inside. I heard the soft tinkle of piano keys as Edward sat down to start playing, even though the instrument was relatively new, it had a good quality of sound. For reasons none of understood, he kept his baby grand in storage. He was playing a piece that was solemn and old, without being mournful. It had been his suggestion we move back to this place, even though for many of us in the family, this place still held so many memories. Painful, impossible memories.
I fell into the couch and closed my eyes. Listening to Edward play was a welcome distraction. His gift was unparalleled, and this particular composition made things easier to push aside. Then he stopped playing, and an instant later he was sitting by my side. We had once been close, but ever since that day we barely spoke.
"Sorry, I forgot that piece was one I wrote for her. It just passed didn't it? Her birthday?" Edward's attempt at small talk felt malicious. He knew full well how my mind worked. I still hid my feelings about Bella from him, or at least he didn't know the full extent of those feelings. But that didn't change the fact he knew she was still an important figure in my life. Of course I had no room to complain, my solitude was my own damned fault. And damned was a good a word as any to describe the existence I now endured. Damned by my own cowardice, doubly damned by my loyalty, and thrice damned by Edward who seemed to take joy in my misery.
In some ways it felt like nothing had changed since we'd left. Forks was still small, and most of the houses were historical and restored. The town and community was still relatively isolated, even after ninety years since we left it was still a place where everyone knew everyone else. Still no one who knew us back then was still alive to recognize us. Even the oldest person in the town had been a baby when we left. Left here, left her.
Well, at least no one who wasn't a supernatural being. It was possible there were some members of the local Quileute tribe who might remember us. We hadn't run into them yet, though Carlisle had gone to the boundary line and told them when we returned. A courtesy he had called it. He told us they weren't pleased, obviously, but the treaty was still honored. The wolves wanted absolutely nothing to do with us, and would only hassle us should we violate the laws hammered out nearly two hundred years ago.
Everything was the same. Mostly. Everyone's rooms were set up the same way they had been when we had been here before, although most of the furniture had to be chucked or restored. Jasper graciously let me keep our old room, and he and Adara took the previously empty attic bedroom. From outward appearances anyone who had known us before would think practically nothing had changed. Too bad it was all a lie. She was still a scar across the hearts of each of us, although those wounds went deeper in some of us. For the rest of the family things had scabbed over, yet her absence was like a hole in our hearts that would never fully heal.
For me, it hadn't even scabbed over. Blood flowed from me every moment of every day. Always since we left her. Since he made us leave her.
My thoughts of anger towards Edward lasted only a brief moment. It was so easy to place all of the blame on him. Because it was his fault. He was the one who'd insisted we leave, "to give her a chance at a normal life." The family had sided with him, albeit reluctantly, and so we left. Left Forks for Toronto, leaving her behind. It was so very tempting to blame him and only him.
But I couldn't, I left her behind too. I had listened to him. Let him push us to go. I could have gone back. But I didn't, and when we left I couldn't even bring myself to say goodbye. I knew if I had tried I wouldn't have been able to leave. In doing so, my heart and soul were torn apart in the process. She had brought, albeit sometimes unintentionally, excitement, and laughter and fun to our lives. To my life.
For a little while after we left, I tried seeing her with my visions. But those visions became incomplete. Missing larger and larger pieces of her life, until a few months later, I tried to look and I couldn't see her at all. All I saw was darkness. Even a tenuous connection was denied me. A punishment for leaving her, I felt. My only consolation was the fact that she had rejected us as well. Edward told us she chose to stay, that she chose her human life over coming away with us. It was our only demand as a family, to give her that choice.
That might've been the hardest part. Knowing that she didn't want us. When we loved her so completely. At times I wondered if Edward really loved her at all, because I kept thinking he would go back to her. Even Rosalie got frustrated once and nearly marched back to Forks. But he was determined to keep her human, so she wouldn't become a "soulless monster". Edward could be so fucking self-centered at times. I couldn't hate him though, in the end all of us gave her that ultimatum. Come with us or say goodbye.
She would've had to say goodbye to her mother and father, and her human friends. She would've had to say goodbye to her humanity. A steep price, that no teenager should be forced to pay. It was too much, and I could never blame her for choosing life over us. No matter how much it hurt. If we had given her time, I was sure she would've come around. Only Edward was adamant that we go at that moment, he really didn't give us a choice.
I missed her. I missed everything about her. Being here in this house, I couldn't help but see her in every room, in every corner, falling, laughing, teasing. I could almost see her stumbling as she tripped down the stairs, or the twinkle in her eyes as they met mine across the room in mutual amusement at something the boys had done.
There was nothing I wouldn't give to take my decision back. To go back to her and never leave her. Let my family go where they will, but refuse to leave her. Confess to her all of my feelings. But it didn't matter. None of it mattered. The bitterest drinks are those distilled from regret. I left her. She was gone now and I would have to exist with my decisions and their repercussions for all of eternity. Existing and not living.
I didn't even know what happened to her. I'd been too scared to try and find out. All of us had. The whole topic was taboo. Her name wasn't even mentioned. I could hope she'd found happiness. I hoped she'd married, been blissfully happy, had children, and lived to a ripe old age to see her grandchildren.
God, I missed her.
"This time of year is rough for all of us. Have you moved on so completely? You loved her once didn't you?" I shot back at Edward with a bit of malicious accusation of my own. His recovery had been far quicker than the rest of us. He went into isolation, and refused to speak for a couple of years. After that... it was as if she never existed for him. Over time it made me realize that I should've cut in and made my heart known.
"Yes, and on that day I mourned her. Next year I'll do the same. Until then, she's a good memory. One we should celebrate. She got to have that normal life after all. Without us monsters corrupting her soul." He smiled and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. It was meant to be comforting, but for some reason it felt sanctimonious. I shrugged and got up.
"Are you so sure about that? I never got a vision of her again, and none of us have looked her up. We're here now right? We should at least visit her gravestone. Pay our respects." I snapped at him with a touch of indignation.
"Of course, we should absolutely go. But maybe we should wait for it. September isn't so far off, at least for us. A blink, and then we'll visit her." He gave me one of those smiles, and I nodded once. There was no point in arguing.
"Sounds fine. I'm going back to my room." I said absently, then I turned away from him without looking back. I didn't want to engage him anymore. Once I was in my room, I walked out onto my balcony and started counting snowflakes again. It dawned on me that I was merely existing, empty. Counting snowflakes as they drifted to the ground. Something I could do to pass eternity away. Eternity alone.
"You'll never be able to count them all." Jasper's soft voice startled me a little as he stepped beside me on the balcony. My lips shifted into a small smile. Jasper may not be able to read my mind, but he knew exactly how I felt. He's singular gift, a power to feel and control emotions. I'd never been able to hide my feelings from him, not that I ever wanted to. Not that I ever could. He knew me far too well to even attempt that kind of charade.
"I know, but it gives me something to do." I replied wistfully, still counting as the snowflakes fell. We kept our voices low and inaudible to anyone who might be in the house. Jasper didn't protest. He didn't try to tell me I could do something else with my time. He understood why I was out here. He understood me better than I did at times.
He suddenly spoke louder, in a voice where anyone could hear. "Have you watched the news the past few days? The attacks in Seattle have stopped." I frowned at the sudden shift in topics, then turned to ask why he thought I cared about Seattle. When I saw his face I understood and reached out with my hearing. Edward's piano was silent. I scowled, and cleared my head of all my thoughts. Then I forced myself to sound interested in response.
"I haven't seen anything about it the past day or so. It looks like the Volturi stepped in and handled it." I kept my voice at the same level, and focused my mind on the current topic so strengthen my defenses against mental eavesdropping. Edward always claimed he did his best not to listen, but it was better to be safe than sorry. The last thing I needed him to hear was my longing to see Bella's chocolate brown eyes again.
"That's the second time since we've been back in the area. I wonder what's going on. Have you had any visions?" Jasper continued when we heard Edward challenge Emmett to a hunting race, which was something Emmett could never refuse.
"No, my visions are hazy about what happened, but I don't sense any danger directed towards us." I smiled in wordless thanks at Jasper. A moment later we saw Edward and Emmett race across the snow, leaving deep gouges in the powder. Jasper made sure they were well out of earshot and Edward's mental range before he turned to me again.
"How have things been? Is it any easier being back here? Or are the memories of this place to hard?" He asked quietly, turning his attention out towards the snow covered trees. I shook my head slightly, reaching my hand out in the air and waving my fingers, moving the patterns of the falling snow ever so slightly, giving me something else to focus on for a moment.
"No, it's not. We've been back six months. We live in the same house, and all I see are memories of her. We started going back to the same school. Nothing else has changed. I see her in every room. I can hear her laugh. Sometimes I can still... feel her. It's like she's not really gone. Nothing has changed. Nothing ever will. And it's my fault. I left her."
Jasper knew better than to spout platitudes or to argue with my feelings. Instead he merely reached out and squeezed my shoulder gently for several seconds and murmured. "You know I'm here for you if you need me."
I smiled at his gesture, nodding my head slightly as he went back inside, leaving me out here. I knew I'd never take him up on it. What I needed no longer existed. She was dead.
Bella. My Bella.
There were times I considered going to the Volturi, to end my own existence. I even visited once about two decades earlier. I volunteered when we stayed in Europe for a bit. I went and talked to the Council, even letting Aro read me. Something he was always keen to do. I remember the odd look he gave me. I knew he saw my thoughts, I knew he could understand my wishes. I expected him to at least address my request. Instead he gave me pleasantries, and didn't even bother making his customary offer to join the guard. It struck me as odd, but I didn't press.
After I left Volterra I realized I couldn't do that to my family. So I was trapped. Weak. Immobile. Cursed. I couldn't stand up to them leaving here the first time, and couldn't bring myself to leave them. How could I think about ending my existence when there was no reason left. Jasper realized when I came back that time that he needed to keep me even. So he started manipulating my emotions, like a supernatural anti-depressant. It was just so hard sometimes, especially back in Forks. When everything reminded me of her.
Then a wave of something hit me, and I straightened suddenly bringing my eyes to rest on a random spot on the ground. For a moment I thought I'd sensed something there, but it was empty as before. I just could have sworn I felt… something. Maybe I'm going crazy. It would be so perfect and so stereotypical. The girl who can see the future loses her marbles. Well, if I was going crazy, it apparently wouldn't be a first for me. When I found out about my original conversion I became obsessed with finding out about my past.
I'd found very little about my human life. A name, dates, family members. But no substance, and nothing that brought anything back from the void before the fires of my transformation. Perhaps it was just a small thing, but when James attacked Bella and he told her all about finding me in an asylum, I thought things in my life would fall into place. Instead everything fell apart.
I figured going crazy again would almost be appropriate.
I sighed after a moment and slouched back against the rail. I pressed against my chest, where the hole in my heart hurt the most. I missed her so much, and wished constantly that fate could somehow bring her back to me. I would do anything, give anything to have her back. But it wasn't an option. So I did the only thing I could do.
I went back to counting snowflakes.
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Samantha Minuet's Co-Author/Editor's Notes: You guys aren't imagining things, this is the long delayed chapter 2 edit we promised back in Summer. I wanted to tie certain elements into the later story, so a few minor details were altered in this edit. I hope this is received well, I'm already working on the chapter 3 edit. And no, this is not the reason for our current delay. The next chapter will be up this month (December).
