The Human Technological Wonder Chronicles
Excerpts by the SpecOps Sangheili Chief
Transcribed and translated by Bass GSX
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Day Three: Historically Inaccurate Entertainment Motion Screens
The Humans amaze us with more abstract, useless yet unbelievable works of technological masterpiece. We are currently studying a human form of entertainment called "motionies". Or "movies". My translation device does not always give the most plausible translation. At any rate, these "motionies" are bizarre, self-contained stories involving very strange concepts and, as they call them, "beyond physical capability of the Homo Sapiens" or, I suppose, "super-human" acts which generally involve flames, explosions, primitive metal projectiles, and an agile and quick Human vehicle called a "sporting car". Oftentimes, they also show the weird and disgusting Human ritual called "courting" or "falling in love". Human "Romance Motionies" occasionally show the mating process, but usually show two Humans going through ridiculous lengths in order to become a "commodity". Or maybe the word was "item". I can't remember, but I daresay most of these "motionies" are strange and rooted in no fact. They rarely show genocidal campaigns (such as our Holy Conquest), have no mention of the Sacred Rings (HERETICS!), and don't have anything to do with space travel or production of weaponry. In short, they are hopelessly useless. However, the Humans do have an interesting system for the viewing of these "motionies". Allow me to show you.
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The camera buzzed, then came on. The SpecOps leader was standing with a bowl of popcorn tucked under his arm, talking with an annoyed Grunt.
"Now, listen here, you short, idiotic little—oh, right. These 'motionies', if you'll permit the slang, are divided into several categories depending on content. The first, 'Jee', is meant for all annual unit age groups of Humans. The second, 'Pee-Jee' signifies that fledgling Humans should probably be left with an 'infant-crusher by means of the buttocks'. Wait, maybe that was 'baby-sitter'..." the white Elite began. He clicked his lower two mandibles, equivalent to a shrug.
"Well, anyway, the third is 'Pee-Jee-Thurt-Teen', which alerts the parents should greatly consider the content shown on these 'motionies'. Fourth, and, oddly, quite common, is 'Ahrr'. This 'Ahrr' denotes to the Human maternal or paternal figure that this 'motionie' is too advanced for the growing intellect of the young fledgling, thus, it should be left with an infant-crusher by means of the buttocks", the SpecOps leader explained. He sighed.
"My apologies. I have become sidetracked. We will view a movie called 'Terminator 3'. Here, it is about to begin", the Elite said. The camera followed him as he walked into the movie theater.
"The Humans display their 'motionies' on a strange device called a 'Proh-jik-tehrr'. This machine makes the 'motionie' appear on a gigantic screen by means of light particles that are directed through a lens. Oh, we must quiet down so the 'motionie' can be heard", the SpecOps leader shushed. He sat in a seat, though was a bit uncomfortable, as the seat was not made for his body shape. The camera panned up to show the movie screen.
"Ah, the movie begins. This warrior carries interesting weapons, to be sure. Look at how he fights! Intriguing, even for a Human warrior such as he", the SpecOps leader commented, munching on popcorn.
"Oh, I almost forgot. This strange consumable, known as 'popped corn', is buttered and heated, so that it explodes violently into a soft, delicious treat. I suggest we research this 'popped corn' for our own use as a morale booster in our ranks", he noted. Loud explosions and the sound of bullets firing caused shrieking and shuddering throughout the Covenant gathered in the theatre.
"Hush your whimpering! There is no real Human threat!" Kiya'Gradolee growled. The whines and shaking died down. The white Elite gasped.
"No...no...they called this Human a...a 'siebohrg'! Is it possible...? The Humans...they are making more of these specialized warriors, the 'Spahrrtenz'...if so, this spells very bad news for our brothers. No, they cannot be! More of the Demon! Disastrous! This must be halted now! This plan could be the ruination of our society, and could verily end our quest to the Sacred Journey! It is completely necessary that we increase our offensive on the Humans so that any ideas they may have on the creation of more Demons can be ended! We could stop this-", the SpecOps leader started.
"Quiet! We are attempting to enjoy this 'motionie'!" the Arbiter snarled, shaking a Carbine at Kiya'Gradolee. The white Elite grumbled, but said nothing more.
"This 'motionie' tires me. Here, I shall show you another", the SpecOps leader remarked. He got up out of his seat and exited the theater with the tub of popcorn under his arm.
"Oh, here is something the Humans call 'comedy'. Their jokes are not humorous at all. In fact, some are offensive to the Covenant brotherhood. They involve violent tendencies and strange bodily functions, or at least most of them do", Kiya noted, walking into a theater showing "Mr. Deeds".
"See? This Human becomes inebriated and hurls the embryo of one of the animals he raises on a farm. Passing vehicles are damaged and ruined. These Humans are sick to the core. Ah, my diary is running low on battery. I must end it here; however, I assure you, my next data sending will be copious", the white Elite commented.
"Kiya'Gradolee out."
XXXEnd Day ThreeXXX
