I'm not going to say much right now, so as not to get on a frivolous soapbox. I'm saddened by recent events in the community, but I will let the new summary added to this story speak for itself. Think or say what you want about that, but it is my stance.

On a more important note, this chapter does contain references to child abuse. All necessary trigger warnings for such apply.


July 12, 1978

"I think it's time we discuss your brother," Dr. Sanderson said as she sat down.

His grip on the chair tightened. "We've already discussed him," he said politely, "almost every chance you get."

She smiled sweetly, and he frowned. She could always read him like a book. "I want to hear it from you this time. I've read the reports on it, and I've gotten bits and pieces from you, but now I want to hear the whole story from you."

He closed his eyes. He really did not want to do this right now. The stress of work was starting to get to him, especially after Evan's "accident." In his mind, he knew it could not be true, but a part of him felt like she secretly knew.

"Where do you want me to start?"

Dr. Sanderson turned to her notes. "Let's start at the beginning. How did you feel when your father remarried?"

He shrugged. "I didn't think about it much. It's not like I ever met her before he married her. He wouldn't have consulted me." He gave a nervous chuckle. "He mostly pretended I didn't exist, except when he wanted someone to take his anger out on."

"You were a child of abuse," she said. "We've worked through this. I know you can talk about it. Your father hurt you."

"Every chance he got," he answered, shaking his head. "The world was never kind to him, always tossing him around, and I was the person he could take it out on."

She looked up at him, that gentle, scolding look in her eye. "Now, we've gone over this. There is no excuse your father had to hurt you. He had alternatives, and he made the wrong choices."

"I know, but that was always his reason. If God somehow gave him misfortune, I was to blame."

"So, when you first learned you were going to be getting a new brother as part of his remarriage, what was that like? What was going through your mind?"

"I thought I would have to protect him. I knew what my dad was like. I thought him being younger, he would be an even easier target. I needed to suck it up to protect him."

"That's what a lot of siblings do in these situations. They usually rely on each other and protect each other to get through it. You wanted to be a rock to Billy."

He cracked his knuckles when he heard her say his name. "Yeah...but that never happened. It was like a switch was turned on in my dad. He was suddenly the model of a perfect dad. He was kind, loving, and gentle, especially to him."

"But what about you? Did he change with you?"

He grunted, hating to have to keep answering the same questions over and over again. How many days had gone by that they went over this? "At first, yeah, he was nice to me too. For a while, it was like my dad had been replaced by a decent guy."

"But it didn't last."

"Nah, once a horrible brute, always one. He got to the point where he was good about not letting my stepmom see. But he'd still hit me, but the bastard never once laid a finger on him."

She had finished writing down a few notes. "And you resented Billy because of that."

"I don't know, I guess. I mean, I knew it wasn't his fault. It was dad who treated us differently. But I don't know, a part of me wanted to know what that kid was doing to be so damn special. Why did dad have to love him instead of me?"

He felt his fingers starting to tremble. He clenched his jaw, trying to force it down. He had to keep the rage down. She seemed to notice his distress.

"Remember what we've talked about. Did you ever hate Billy?"

He took a deep breath to collect himself. "No, I never hated him...but I was always jealous of him."

"Good! When we can understand the full complexity of our emotions, that is when we can begin the path to true healing."

"You get that out of a fortune cookie?" he said with a snort.

She became serious. "Healing is what we are trying to achieve. I would think you, of all people, would want some peace of mind." She folded her hands in her lap, looking at him directly. "Have you ever thought it possible that Billy may have been abused as well, but in a different way?"

"You mean like...like...no way! No, no, my dad wouldn't have done that. He wasn't...you know, he wasn't gay or anything."

She immediately began taking notes, given his excited response. He hated that. She only showed interest in him when he got agitated like this.

"Those things aren't necessarily intertwined: sexuality and types of abuse. Sexuality is a matter of preference. Abuse is all about power. I'm only suggesting the possibility because I want you to consider that it may have been the case that your brother could have suffered too. Your jealousy is justified, but I want you to consider other possibilities. That's what we're trying to do now. You've embraced your anger and resentment. Now we need to work towards understanding."

He grunted. He still did not believe her words and he still hated that she had pulled that trick to get him to react. She continued.

"But let's move on today. Let's talk about the incident."

He groaned. "Do we have to?"

"We don't have to do anything, if you don't want, but I do think acknowledging the past can help us heal."

He crossed his arms. "Is that all you talk about? Healing?"

She looked up, surprised. Finally, he had gotten her. "Well, isn't that what you want? To be free of your trauma? To be able to go out into the world and not let it rule over you?"

He sighed and started looking out the window. The sun looked nice as it shimmered on the grass. He wished he could be out there instead of in here. He relented though.

"It was summer. We were out of school, and we went to go play by the creek a few blocks from us. A lot of kids did it. It was the place to go. We went to go play. I was supposed to watch him because he was small, and sometimes the bigger kids did play rough."

"So, you were fulfilling your role as protector to Billy."

"Yea, but that day, it was just us. It was quiet. We didn't do much. It had stormed the night before, so the water was too high to play in. We just threw rocks and stuff."

"You've set the scene," she said sternly. "Let's talk."

He shook his head. "I don't know. We were running around and stuff, and he tripped. Fell right into the water. He couldn't swim yet and the water being high and all. He just...he thrashed around a little, called for me to help. I didn't know what to do. It all happened so fast. I tried finding a branch or something to grab him. I followed him for a bit, and then...he was gone."

"What happened after that?"

He became quiet, choosing not to answer for a while. She did not press him, letting him process the information. He shed no tears. He shook, his hands trembling on the arm rests. A few words started to spill out of him.

"I don't know. I just...I stopped...nothing. I stayed. I went nowhere. I didn't...I didn't know where to go. I just stayed there. Stupid right? I didn't even get help."

"No, that's not stupid," she interrupted. "You were a child. It happened so fast. You were in shock. How could you know what to do in that situation?"

He sighed. "It started to get dark. I had just stayed there that whole time. Eventually, the police showed up. I guess my stepmom worried when we didn't come home. She was there, and she kept asking where he was. I couldn't answer. I didn't know what to say.'

"I guess after a while, they either got it out of me, or they figured it out for themselves. I can't remember anymore. They started searching the creek. They eventually found him, his body anyway."

"How did you feel after that?"

He shrugged again. "I guess I didn't feel anything for a while. Maybe I never did. I just did nothing for years. I can remember my stepmom sobbing and holding me right after they found him. I just did nothing. Does that make me some sort of monster?"

She stopped writing abruptly. "Of course not! No, everyone processes grief differently. Silence and withdrawal can be quite normal for some people."

He looked up at her, his eyes narrowing. "What if it wasn't even grief I was feeling?"

"What do you mean by that?"

He stopped, tapping his fingers. It was as if he was trying to find the words he wanted to say. He looked up at the ceiling several times, not making eye contact with her. After some hemming and hawing, he spoke, his voice quivering for only a second. "What if I felt a little happy he was gone?"

She began writing again. "A sense of elation that your brother was dead?" she repeated.

"Maybe. Maybe it was relief, or I don't know. But a part of me was glad he was gone."

"Do you think that was shaped by your jealousy of him?"

He sighed. "A little."

She smiled. "That's good then."

This took him by surprise. He met her eyes, mouth contorted in a confused frown. "Why? A kid wishing his brother dead is practically psychopathic."

"What's important is that you acknowledge the feelings you had about the situation. At that age, that sort of thing is okay. Children are a mix of complicated feelings. To have those conflicting elements of grief, joy, rage, and envy all at once is hard for a child to sort out in the moment."

"So the fact that I may have secretly wanted him dead…"

She nodded. "You've recognized it. Now, the next step towards healing is working past that: to forgive your brother and yourself. During this time, I will admit, we may be opening things you don't want opened. It will be an emotional time for you. But I assure you, it will prove worth it in the end."

He leaned back in the chair, glad she was finally done with this ordeal. "So, what now?"

She shrugged. "Now, we just schedule the next appointment. This really is enough for the day. I'm very proud of the progress you've made."

"Thanks, doc," he said with a hint of insincerity.


Hey, did you know that if you were on AO3, you could already be reading chapter 11? AO3 users get 1-month early access to my new content, and you could be in on the fun too. Remember, AO3 is actually run by competent admins, and to support that site, I try to reward users over there as much as possible. So, what are you waiting for? Time to switch to better service!