The Human Technological Wonder Chronicles

Excerpts by the SpecOps Sangheili Chief

Transcribed and translated by Bass GSX

A.N. In the way of a P.S.A, I am changing my pen name to Dominus Princeps, just so you know. Don't come looking for Bass GSX anymore.

Terribly sorry about the long update. Lotta stuff goin' on in my life right now—girlfriend, summer, girlfriend, Halo 2, girlfriend, Republic Commando, girlfriend...right, on with it!

Day Six: Large Flaming Balls of Gas Battles: Episodes I, II, and III

Honored Prophets. There is a certain type of motionie the Humans call Large Flaming Balls of Gas Battles. This is apparently a series of motionies, each slightly related to the next but somehow different as well. The main idea of the motionies is that lasers and things are very interesting, especially when used on others. The story also revolves around some corruption of the sacred Energy Sword, called a "saber of light". Anyway, this series, Large Flaming Balls of Gas Battles, has six motionies under its name and countless "video games" and "buhks", which are hard, square things with ink printed on their soft and fragile "pages". Anyway, we shall view the first three of these motionies.

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XXXBegin Audio-Visual RecordingXXX

The white Elite waved at the camera.

"Are we live, brother? Ah, I see. We currently have captured three of these motionies and are well on our way to the next three. Nevertheless, we are about to review these three motionies. Come, let us view them", the SpecOps leader said. He walked up to the movie theatre and stopped.

"Oop. I almost forgot. We have researched how the Humans view this motionie series and have decided to dress as they do when watching", Kiya'Gradolee said. He pulled on a black helmet and cape, then put on black armor and activated a red Energy Sword.

"I am the one called 'Darhth Vey-durr'", the white Elite grinned. The camera panned over to show the Arbiter dressed as Luke Skywalker, with a blue Energy Sword to boot. A couple Grunts were in Jawa, Ewok, and R2-D2 costumes, and a Hunter was covered in Brute fur, and appeared to be a Wookiee. 'Gradolee walked over to the snack counter and pulled out a card. He began to read off of it.

"Hello. I would...like a large...bucket of popped...corn", the white Elite said in halted and heavily accented Standard.

"You mean 'popcorn'", the movie worker corrected.

"Do...you take...Visa?" 'Gradolee continued, ignoring the human.

"Yeah, whatever. You want butter?" the teenager asked. Kiya looked at him with a gaze of utter confusion.

"I said, do you want butter?"

"Do you...take Visa?"

"Look, buddy, it's a yes or no question. Do you want butter?" the human asked, annoyed.

"Curse it all, do you take Visa?" the SpecOps Leader roared, slashing the cash register in half with his Energy Sword.

"Oh, shit, just take the popcorn!" the kid wailed frantically. He walked into the movie theatre and sat in a chair with a MEGA-BUCKET of popcorn in his lap. A little ways behind him, the Arbiter walked up to the singed counter.

"Hello. I would...like a large...bucket of popped...corn."

The screen darkened, then gigantic gold lettering appeared.

"Large Flaming Balls of Gas Battles: Episode One: The Ghostly Threat", Kiya'Gradolee read slowly.

"Hmmf. Interesting already", the Arbiter commented next to him, reading the gold text as it scrolled. His arm was around Shelley, and they shared a MEGAMEGA-BUCKET of popcorn.

"Hum...interesting. Jehh-dye...must be what makes their robes brown" Shelley remarked. Kiya and the Arbiter nodded sagely. Flashes of lasers being deflected by lightsabers caused the white-armored Elite to gasp.

"Amazing...a disruptive sword technology, not unlike our Energy Swords..." he whispered. Two droids rolled onscreen and began to fire at the two Jedi.

"Ah, here you can see advanced robotic technology. How interesting. I am sure the Jehh-dye can defeat this", Kiya noted.

"Wait—did they just say his name was 'Obi-Wan Kenobi'?" the Arbiter asked Shelley.

"I believe so. Why?" she replied.

"I have been brushing up on my Forerunner language—Obi-Wan Kenobi is Forerunner for 'Fluttering pizza was house the bricking'", the Arbiter said. 'Gradolee stared at him.

"The Forerunner proverbs are too complex for simple warriors such as us to understand" the SpecOps Leader remarked reverently. They turned back to their movie, riveted by the flashing images.

"Hmm...Nahh-buuu...strange name for a planet, but then again, there is someone in this motionie named Fluttering Pizza Was House The Bricking", the Arbiter noted. They watched in amazement as a huge droid army unloaded on the planet Nahh-buuu.

"Hum. This Guhn-Gahn is a very strange creature. Clumsy, annoying...wait, I see the resemblance! HERETIC! ALL GUHN-GAHNS MUST DIE!" Kiya'Gradolee roared, aiming his Plasma Rifle at the screen.

"Holy light!" he yelled as he primed a Plasma Grenade and nearly threw it.

"Hold your fire, hold your fire! He is using a motionie projector", the Arbiter said in a soothing tone.

"I suppose you're right. But what am I going to do with this primed grenade?"

"Throw it! By the Sacred Rings, throw the accursed thing!" the silver-armored Elite cried. An usher who was walking up to them suddenly found a bright blue thing attached to his chest.

"What the hell's this?" he screamed. His buddy looked at it.

"I dunno. It's blue and bright", his friend replied.

"Is it a spider?"

"I dunno."

"Well, get it off of-"

BOOM.

ooo

"This next one is referred to as 'Large Flaming Balls of Gas Battles: Episode Two: Offensive of the Genetically Created Identical Beings", Kiya'Gradolee noted as the gold lettering appeared on the screen.

"How interesting. I hear familiar names. 'Anakin Skywalker' and 'Fluttering Pizza Was House The Bricking'. I had heard that these movies were all related..." Shelley commented. The Arbiter nodded sagely and continued to watch the movie. Kiya stiffened as another familiar character came on-screen.

"It is the Prophet-forsaken Guhn-Gahn...! Must...restrain...bloodlust..." he hissed, taking deep breaths. The Arbiter patted him on the shoulder.

"Ooh. How interesting! Look at their flying vehicles! They seem quite different from our Banshees and Phantoms!" 'Gradolee noted, pointing out hovercrafts whilst Obi-Wan and Anakin chased Zam Wessel.

"Hey, buddy. How about some deathsticks?" said a character on screen.

"You don't want to sell me deathsticks", Kenobi commanded calmly.

"I...don't want to sell you deathsticks", the character replied.

"What is this strange power?" the Arbiter gasped.

"I believe it is something that these Jehh-dye call 'The Fourzz'..." Shelley replied. The SpecOps Leader nodded in assent.

"I have heard that term in these past two movies before...usually they say, 'May the Fourzz be with you'", he commented.

"Hum. How strange. This appears to be a romance motionie as well", the white Elite noted along with his previous comment. They watched Anakin and Padmé share their first kiss together.

"Disgusting! Is he eating her?" Shelley gaped.

"I believe this is how Humans show extreme affection", the Arbiter reassured.

"Indeed? How strange", 'Gradolee remarked, taking notes.

"What is going on? Is this...Geonosis! But how could the Humans know of the Yanme'e homeworld?" Shelley gasped. The Arbiter shrugged.

"These Humans are more clever than we originally thought. To know where the Drones come from..." he said. 'Gradolee continued to scribble on his notepad, gazing occasionally at the screen.

"And, of their gladiatorial arenas? 'Twould be nigh clairvoyance to know such a thing!" Shelley exclaimed again.

"These must be the 'Sabers of light' you were talking about, Kiya. How odd", the Arbiter remarked as Jedi beat back the droids and Geonosians.

"Eh? What was that?" the white Elite asked, startled. The Arbiter noted that he was playing Tic-Tac-Toe with himself on his "Research Pad", but decided not to comment.

"Clones! Strange indeed! Those ships seem to serve the same function as our Phantoms", 'Gradolee noted, continuing his scribbling.

"Oh, my! A fighting Grunt! Look at how he wields his saber of light!" Shelley said in wonder as Yoda dueled Count Dooku.

"If only our Grunts were so powerful..." the Arbiter grumbled.

"Hey, shut up!" Yayap called, offended.

"Is that disrespect?"

"No, Excellency, it isn't, I swea-aaagh!"

ooo

"How strange. They do seem to all be connected. There again is 'Anakin', and 'Fluttering Pizza Was'", Kiya said, hearing the names of the two Jedi.

"And the droids, 'Ahrr-tu Dii-Tu' and 'Siii-Thrii-Pii-Ohh'", Shelley followed.

"But who is this 'Jin-ir-uhl Greev-ihs'?" Arbiter pondered.

"Ooh! This 'Greev-ihs' has four sabers of light!" 'Gradolee gasped, clicking his mandibles in delight as Obi-Wan Kenobi valiantly battled Grievous. Then, he gasped.

"The Humans appear to be the dominant species here, especially in the Jehh-dye. What if this is a plot? If the Humans dominate the galaxy and become these 'Jehh-dye', then they will wipe the Covenant from space! Then we shall all be in peril! Those sabers of light seem to be even more powerful than our Energy Swords! If the Humans already know how to make them, then we shall eventually be finished! The Covenant is doomed! You damned, dirty apes, damn you!" 'Gradolee screamed, shaking his MEGA-bucket of popcorn everywhere.

"Calm down, Kiya. Calm down", the Arbiter soothed as popcorn bounced off his forehead. 'Gradolee took a deep breath.

"Ooh. What is this? The 'Clohhn Worez'. Wait—I read about this in a Human library. It was where citizens of the country called 'Yoo-Ehss-Ae' fought one another. Very bloody conflict. Occurred in our sixth Age of Reclamation", the white Elite commented.

"How odd. This must be a historical metaphor motionie then", Shelley remarked.

"There are Anakin Skywalker and Padmé. They are showing their affection once more", the Arbiter muttered as the pair kissed.

"I still think he's eating her..." Shelley snorted.

"The 'Jehh-dye Kown-suhl', eh? I wonder if that is like our own Council?" the SpecOps Leader noted.

"Probably nothing of the sort. Hum. It seems that Fluttering Pizza Was House The Bricking has been promoted to Council-member. There is that Lace Windows character, along with the fighting Grunt. Holograms...some members must be AI Jehh-dye. How peculiar", he continued.

"Now, this Pahl-pit-teen character...he looks...different from the other Humans", Shelley remarked.

"Yes...his hair is not a color we have seen. It is white, not brown, red, black, or blond", the Arbiter supplemented.

"You are both quite right. He must be a different species. See how he is also more frail, and has folded skin. He is most definitely a different species", the SpecOps leader agreed.

"But what shall we call him?" the Arbiter asked. 'Gradolee raised one of his center two fingers, his mandibles quivering as he thought of a name.

"We shall call it: 'Gii-zihr'!" he exclaimed. Shelley and the Arbiter nodded in assent.

"Look! The Clohhnz are attacking the Jehh-dye! How odd. They must be disagreeing over a religious sermon. I've seen this many a time", Kiya'Gradolee muttered.

"Hum? There is that 'Gii-zihr' again. He is talking about the Dahrrk Syyd of the Fourzz. What a strange concept. This 'Fourzz' has two sides!" the Arbiter commented.

"Like duct tape!" Shelley gasped. The two male Elites turned to stare at her.

"It's a Human commodity", she grumbled. They nodded sagely and turned back to watch the movie.

"Interesting. It seems that this 'Anakin Skywalker' has become the epitome of evil. I wonder why..." the white Elite noted.

"Maybe it is because he saw in a dream that his wife whom he loves very much would die, and then he believed that the power of the Dahrrk Syyd would allow him to save her, but instead it made him evil and corrupted all he believed in and destroyed his friendships and love", the Arbiter theorized. Shelley and Kiya'Gradolee stared at him for a few seconds, then burst out laughing.

"That is the most ridiculous speculation I have ever heard!" the white Elite chuckled, wiping tears from his eyes.

"Sorry, honey, but it does seem unlikely that this would happen", the pink Elite agreed. The Arbiter huffed and returned his attention to the movie.

"Look! The fighting Grunt is battling the 'Gii-zihr'! Though these 'Gii-zihr's appear frail, they seem to actually be quite adept at combat! Look at the pair fight!" 'Gradolee gasped.

"This Fourzz is very powerful. See, it can even make ekelitrisy!" the white Elite continued as Palpatine blasted Yoda with Force Lightning.

"...Or was that 'electricity'? My translator is not always accurate", he muttered.

"Ooh, watch! Anakin and Fluttering Pizza Was House The Bricking are fighting! Their saber of light arts are very interesting to see!" the Arbiter shook Kiya from his reverie.

"Disgusting. His limbs have all been severed. Is this some sort of training exercise? If I remember, Skywalker called House The Bricking 'master'", 'Gradolee remarked.

"Now the 'Gii-zihr gives him battle armor! How odd! Why not give him battle armor before he is dismembered, so that that injury will not happen?" Shelley frowned.

"I don't know. Oh...they are already over. Well, Holy Prophets, this is all for today. As you see, these Humans have very fanciful ideas on how their space exploration will turn out. However, we must be on guard. As you have seen, these Humans know of some sort of weapon, the 'saber of light'. If they make this weapon, then the Covenant is as good as finished! We are doomed! ALL DOOMED! The Humans deserve no less than the, if you'll permit the slang, royal ass-whoopin' we are servin' them, son! My transmission ends here."

"Kiya'Gradolee, out."