Part Four: - Confession -
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I returned to our current residence, the old abandoned pumping station.
In my hands, were five journals, two pencils and three paper cranes.
I delivered them to Sensei, no words spoken, and he accepted them.
That night, master splinter stayed up late, in his makeshift bedroom, the far side corner of one of the rooms. He was reading though Raphael's four, tattered, old, beaten journals, and even from my humble perch, from across the bedroom area, sitting next to my motionless brother's bed, here in the infirmary, I could sense Sensei's constantly shifting aura.
It bristled, very disturbed and- hurt? Wounded? Offended?
I don't know, all I know is once he finished reading one journal, wearily, reluctantly and shakily, his fingers would twitch, grasping the paper either too tightly or too lightly, his wet, blurry brown eyes glittering with suppressed tears, he'd toss it into a small flaming barrel, Don had prepared for him on his request, then he'd pause for a few moments, meditating lightly, collecting his thoughts, swallowing and hungrily sucking in the air, wanting to cool down and sooth the heat scorching through his inflaming lungs, before wearily reaching out and grabbing the next journal, reading it slowly, then wresting with his feelings and inner emotions, before tossing it into the fire, and going for the next.
Donny placed the cranes next to his glossed one, and the four cranes faced each other in a square-like position, unmoving, where they rest humbly on his workbench on the far side of the study table, a spot Klunk can't slip into and get stuck. The pencils were simply placed aside with the rest of his desktop items, but all he really cared for now were the paper cranes.
The red mask, on the other hand, Sensei kept it.
Don assured me that the cranes were indeed Raph's handiwork, because there was a certain fold to the wings that Raph always did. Instead of having the wings spread out and down, mimicking the bowing head, Raph's style made then spread out wide and upwards, though the head was just a notch, tilted upwards, making the paper birds look like they're flying.
It felt like months had passed, before Sensei arrived with the last, fifth, and remaining journal.
He handed it down to me, requesting that I read it in privet, and I nervously accepted.
Once in my makeshift bedroom, alone and away from the infirmary, I settled down on my humble, beaten old futon, eyeing and fingering the well conditioned notebook's cover. Seeing this one was the one in the Elentian lair, it's only natural Raph had kept it in good condition, it being his recently used journal. Timidly, and a little scared, I gripped it in both hands, eyeing the leather-like cover for a good long moment, and then reluctantly, flipped the front cover, coming to the sight of a note on the first page.
"To whoever reads this, please understand that these are my personal thoughts and feelings, I might say something you would find offensive, but I don't mean to say it that way. I had never been the best with words, even when writing them, so please, please try to understand that this textbook is my only way to vent out my frustration, anything offensive here is simply put- words! Words with no meaning to anyone but me! Don't hate me, because I don't hate you! I love you, and as much as I know I don't say it as often as I should, I love you and I care, because you are my family."
'Not good with words my foot!' I scoffed gently, as I bit back a bitter laugh.
Did Raph even understand, or come to realize that the way he talks on paper, is so darn different that his regular way of speech, it almost makes him sound like a completely different person?
His words carry none of his gruff, husky and dark, thick voice, it's clear and it's English, it doesn't slur like his accent does, nor does it hiss or make you feel under leveled by his tone, or way of speech, and the pattern of his thoughts, easy flowing, clear and simple, like he's addressing someone very dear, picking his words with the utmost consideration and care.
It- it's almost- elegantly romantic, in a way.
I think that's one of the reasons Casey used to asks Raph for help, when he's trying to figure out something fancy, or romantic to say to April. Though Raph thinks none of us know, I kind if knew he had a talent for poetry, it literature for that matter, even if he'd never admit it, or expressed it out loud. I think it's his kind, gentle soul, compassionate thoughts and loving heart, that allows him to express his feelings more openly in poetry, than simply written text, even when he, himself, does not understand it.
'Maybe he should have been a novelist!' I smirked to myself, my fingers faintly touched the beautifully written English characters.
Raph's handwriting had always been a mix between English, and Japanese calligraphy, for most of his stretched letters, tend to end with either a thin line or an edge, like Japanese related strokes, giving his handwriting a strange, yet lovely pattern.
Bracing myself, I flipped the first page, only to notice a red dot on the bottom inner corner. There was- it looked like something he edited, there was text that was scribbled over, and the phrase 'Rated R because I was (xxx) frustrated!' scribbled there. I chuckled, realizing that whatever was written there, Raph went over and censored it.
I huffed, now eyeing the parts of the page that were not scribbled.
"Okay, this journal had been edited, I ain't gonna put a date or time along with me entries, because I don't like keeping track of time, that's Leo's job." I arched a brow ridge.
"I shall start this journal entry, when we had lost our old lair, when a bozo named Stockman sent his chew toys to eat us! You'd think the sewers were a safe place to live in, if you subtract the giant albino croc, I'd hate to end up being his lab rat!"
"At any case, after we lost our home, we got separated from Sensei, and had to find our way around to meet up with him elsewhere. Stupidly, I got locked up in an armored truck, talk about a pain in the ass! I'm surprised Leo didn't b!tch at me because of it, then again, we had just recently moved into the new lair, so he probably didn't have the time, he and Mike were fighting about the kitchen appliances with Donny."
I skimmed a few pages, ignoring the few red lines scattered across the pages, I figured Raph had gone over the journal recently, for most of his early entries had been censored or erased.
"It's been about a week now, since we moved in, met that redhead April O'Neil, and damn! I never knew Mike had it in him! You should have seen the jealous glare in his eyes when I sat next to her, he was practically shooting daggers at me! Or when how Don smiled at her, when Mike introduced them! I don't think Mike had it in mind, to try and hook them, but him, being his silly, lovable self, had to shove our bashful brother into the spotlight, if only for a few laughs."
I skipped a few entries, because the rest of the page was all about our battle with stockman, and Raph's monitoring of Don and Mike's un-spoken feelings towards April, Don being mellow and Mike being extra annoying.
I hate to admit it, but I think Raph was on to something!
"I feel kinda weird, writing my journal again. Heck! My last entry was when I was twelve, I remember it was around our first time out of the sewers, when sensei took us out on our first patrol. (Check journal log number four, last entry, for a jog down memory lane) Man! I can't believe Mike was hungry, if not crazy enough, to sneak into a restaurant, and not just any restaurant, a Seafood restaurant! What the hell was he thinking? I can't believe I was crazy enough to go after him!"
"That Chinese chef was stumped, seeing two turtles in his kitchen, I'm just glad we dodged that butcher knife, or it really would have left a mark! I'm just glad we managed to get back home, before Sensei found out about our little mishap –or did he?- cause I sure had the feeling he went easy on us, and didn't spank the daylights out of our tails, faking that he didn't know."
"Well, I remember, when I was about seven or eight, Sensei originally told me to write down my thoughts, because it'll help me understand my feelings better, not to mention it'll be like a hand workout, to help me improve my handwriting and spelling. He said that he won't read my journal, not unless I ask him to, so it's safe to write down whatever it is I feel, just to vent it out."
"He said that it will help me out of my clam, whatever he meant, somewhere between fourteen and fifteen, he once took me aside for a little father son talk, and I was pretty nervous, I thought I got in trouble of something, I hate it when I do that! He told me that when I were young, I always distanced myself from the others, my brothers, that I was too sullen for a child, too angry, he didn't know how to fix it, and he didn't want to force me to like them, that's why he told me to write down my feelings, and then after the book is done, I am to leave it aside, and start with another, then one day, when I'm older, I should go back and read them, and perhaps by then, I would understand the changes that had happened to me, that I would understand what I went though, and my experience would help me somehow."
"Boy! He had no idea! My first four journals were ugly, I still can't believe how I wrote most of the stuff, aside the fact my handwriting looked like chicken scribbles, and I was a lousy speller, heck! Even Mike was better than me, he and Don always tie during scrabble. Gees, how I hate that game!" I chuckled, pausing for a moment, re-reading the past paragraph.
"I don't know what I did, during the time Sensei gave me those old, battered journals, but Sensei told me that I had gotten better, emotionally and spiritually, after I started jotting down my thoughts, I think it helped me figure out my feelings and come to understand myself better, he said I even started talking to my bros, I became more active towards them."
"When I look back at my past, about the things I used to say and think about myself and family, sh!t, if I met my younger self, one of these days, I'd give him a serious dose of butt whooping, cause I cant believe I've been such a boneheaded, selfish, self centered brat! If I were Sensei, I would have been kicked out of the lair, being so goddamn moody, I was practically an adult stuck in the body of a kid! And gosh darn it, I can't believe I used to use the F word so frequently in my writings, ever since- what? Since I was five? Six? Where the hell did I pick that up? Defiantly not from Sensei! My guess it's from the sailors at the dock, where I used to sneak off at night."
"But that's (insert a guilty chuckle here) um, another story." I arched a brow.
"Ah, anyway, I'll stop the nonsense, before I get myself in trouble, and end this entry here, it's almost midnight and I'm gonna be late for our sparring session." I flipped the page, but the page was missing, probably ripped out.
I huffed out a small breath, and felt that it might take a while to read the whole book, so since I've got all night, I skipped a few entries, and began with an entry that was probably just a few weeks back.
"Well, here we are with a new entry, don't you think? The family just came back from the farm house, now that the Triseraton are gone, with the professor technically dead, I kind of feel sorry for Donny. Sometimes, Don can be so obsessed with things, and finally meeting someone he can relate to, yeah- I guess I'd feel bad, too!"
"During our stay at the farmhouse, I didn't get a chance to jog down my thoughts. I still don't know why I've come back to writing them down, but somehow, I feel that I need to leave something behind, incase something happens to me. Well, being a bonehead, I'm sure something will come along the line sooner or later, so it's only a matter of time, huh? At any case, I think the only explanation, I just want to be remembered by those I really care about, my brothers and father."
"At the farm house, Casey and I went about to a lake nearby, the place was kickass awesome! Bet it would make a great ice skating spot during winter, and a fancy spot for swimming or picnics during summer nights."
"Of course, being a typical teenager, I admit I do have a few naughty thoughts floating in my head, like- I'd probably be scooping out the honeys when they're skinny dipping, but I knew better than that, Sensei would hack my tail off and hand it to me, if I did something like that!" I smothered a smile, heat warming my cheeks, wondering absently if that's how Raph's mind really worked.
"Anyway, Casey and I talked about a whole bunch of stuff, it was fun, in a way, I can't explain it. Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like if I were human, Case said that imagines me to be a redheaded, green eyes and with ashen, pale skin and a devious grin. Well, I don't know about the rest of the lot, but I already have a devious grin, right?"
'Oh you have no idea.' I chuckled.
I skimmed through the entries, reading tidbits and pieces, ignoring the red-lined and scribbled parts, jumping a few pages, then going back and re-read some other, I realized that the more I progress into Raph's journals, the closer I come to understand his way of thinking.
He's not always angry, just judging, reasoning, he's trying to explain his feelings through comparing similar aspects of life, he'd compare what he didn't have when we were kids, to what we had now, that he's happier now, though not completely content.
I understood that he felt like he was lacking, that he still did not fulfill the expectation Sensei wanted, that's why he was more frustrated at himself, for being unable to do what was expected from him, than the fact that I surpass him. He knew that each and every one of us had a talent, that the others could not do so well, and though he and I both loved ninjutsu, I was naturally blessed with it, while he needed more work.
He had no idea; I envied his natural talents, like his powerful sense of smell, the tracking and the all too simply sixth sense! He always did know when something is to happen, even in his blind rage, he knows how to counter some things in the least expected way, it's- amazing!
"Week Two: it had been two weeks since Leo left to Japan, to meet this Ancient One, and Mike won't shut up about it! Don is spending more time in his lab, while Mike is spending too much time at the TV and kitchen, Klunk pestering me more, the darn flew bag wouldn't leave me alone! While I started going out more, I can't stand the chaos in the lair, I need air!"
"Naturally, I went to Casey's, and we went out thug bashing, but a strange thing happened!" I blinked, curious.
"Sometimes, I wonder what's gotten into humanity, leaving a baby, no more than a few minutes old, in the park all by her lonesome self, she even still had her long, thick cord attached to her belly, sticky stuff latching to her head and skin, as if she were born only moments ago, but there was no sign of her mother in sight, and with nothing but a tattered old sheet and a cardboard box. Have they got no shame? Aren't they human? What kind of human leaves a helpless, tiny little girl like this?"
"Casey and I decided to take her to a hospital, but something, somehow, I couldn't stand that idea, I didn't like the idea of leaving her behind with a bunch of strangers, it felt… wrong."
"To me, watching her there, sleeping peacefully in my arms, she was breathtakingly beautiful! Her hair was clearly a shade of brown, or maybe red, though barely visible on her almost bald head. Her cries were so faint, it sounded like she couldn't even breathe! Her eyes were blurry, but I'm guessing they're either hazel brown or ocean grey, but her pale, blush pink skin was so cold! God! I wondered how anyone left a child out in the cold, damp, dingy dirt old park, had they not been stripped from every ounce of humanity!"
"I took her to April's place, and she instantly squealed, and then, of course, gasped in shock, the poor thing was freezing! I dare not take her to the hospital, I didn't want to, I don't know why, I just couldn't. There was something- something about holding her in my arms, it felt- perfect! Neither April nor Casey said anything; I think they just silently understood the situation, and thankfully, they promised not to tell the others. For a whole month, April kept the little girl, and for some reason, I decided to name her Grace."
"For the first three weeks, April and Casey took care of Grace for me, she somehow bonded them together, like godparents of some sort. I tried to be around as much as possible, for Grace's sake, without attracting too much attention, I didn't want Don and Mike, or even Sensei, to figure out what I've been up to, defiantly not Mike!"
"But then, around the fifth week, April had already reported the nearby police station, and a few hospitals, about the child, and some children care community came to claim her, and April had to let go."
"Grace had been taken to a well managed orphanage, and I visited her couple of times, thankfully, she knows and remembers me, despite her young and tender age. I remember I sat with her the first few nights there, putting her to sleep when she cried, the nurses and caretakers were very nice, but she didn't stand them, she kept crying, sometimes she'd cry all night until she exhausted herself to sleep."
"It tore my heart out, the little thing was already attached to me, Ape and Case, and I had to ask April to do something." I furrowed in concern, I didn't like the way this was going.
"Unfortunately, April and Casey weren't married, but my hunch told me they were planning it, sometime in the near future, they couldn't adopt her, somehow they both lacked the necessities to adopt a kid, so she was taken off by some other family, adopted. All I knew is that the pair who adopted her were Mexican, thankfully, they did not change her name, the actually liked the name I gave her, so her name was now Grace Amancio,(pronounced: A-ma-n-shi-o) so hopefully, one day, I'll meet her. I prey that I would."
I smiled, there was something about that story that tugged at my heart, and I felt warmth bubbling inside of me, it felt very, very nice. I mused over the fact that my brother, had somewhat adopted a strange little girl, and though he'd secretly known her for only a month, he had obviously loved her as if she were his own, it was a side I've never seen before.
Flipping the page, I reached his last entry, I swallowed, and uneasily continued reading.
"Week seven: Well, it had been approximately a month and three weeks, since Leo left to Japan. It's only been two weeks, but I miss Grace already. Master Splinter said that though Leo's pilgrimage is not controlled my time. Sensei's been repeating himself a lot lately. Geez, does he miss Leo that much? Hey! We're your sons too, you know! " I winced inwardly, that statement bit me hard.
"Sensei said that we need to carry on and do our daily things, to stop thinking of Leo. (Hah! Look who's talking! He should take by his own advice for a change!) Easier said than done! I managed on my own, thankyouverymuch! But Heck! I took care of Grace, a little baby girl for a whole month, and none of them even noticed I was missing more than usual!"
"What am I? Invisible or something? Or am I just that easy to ignore?" I licked my lips, and continued reading, trying my best to ignore the bitter taste in my mouth, and the stinging in my muscles.
"I was never that reliable on Leo, but somehow, the way Don and Mike kept whining, saying how much they miss having him around, it just- I didn't like it." I paused, Raph sounded very upset, "The way they said it, it somehow made me feel- rejected! I mean, aren't I being a good leader? Am I just a worthless, temporary, unimportant replacement? Am I so terrible, Leo's miss is becoming more obvious? What am I doing wrong? Aren't I good enough?"
Something stung in the back of my eyes, deep in the core of my muscles, it felt clinched and my stomach started turning cold, but I braced myself and kept on reading, "I don't get it. We've been through a lot of hardship during the past seven weeks, we fought the Foot wannabes, Hun scum and we stayed alive, didn't we? So why is it that they act as if I did a half-ass job, that he's never coming back? Why won't they believe in me? That I can be just as good as Leo, if not better? That I can lead them! It's not fair!"
"I'm tired, I'm cranky, and I'm in a pretty b!tchy mood, I could rant and write down something else, but I'm not in the mood to scribble anything else down, I'll just end up repeating myself, and my brain refuses to work right about now… besides, I was clinching the pencil too hard, it snapped in two! I hate it when that happens!" was all what was written, and there was nothing more, the remaining pages were all blank.
Closing the journal, I sighed heavily, I didn't like the way it was going.
But- I understood, Raph wanted to say goodbye, in his own way, and there was supposed to be something in this journal that said that. I figured that I must have been reading for too long, because my eyes were to dry and achy, despite the suppressed tears that stung the back of my sockets, despite the river of tears flowing on my cheeks.
Silently, I cried, less loudly, more controlled, I mourned a brother who was leaving me behind.
He was leaving, and he was asking me to just- to let him go.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A/N: hmm, almost there… review please!
