Part Five: -Farewell -

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Meditating, I calmly breathed, feeling the air flow in and out, waiting.

In my subconscious, I felt him approaching, walking towards me, calmly, bravely, and slowly I opened my eyes.

Far away in the blackness of my mind's eye, deep in my subconscious world, I saw nothing in the blurry, morphing and squiggly darkness at first, but after a short moment, a blurry spot of bright blue-white, dancing faintly within the darkness, starting revealing itself, and I felt a bit alarmed at this alien presence lingering in my mind's world.

Little by little, the shape became clearer, more pronounced, and soon, I recognized him, as he stood before me, no more than ten feet away, tall and proud, no pads or mask, no belt or weapons, he had nothing on but that humble, gentle smile, curling on his lips.

A single crimson droplet trickled down his pale white-blue cheek, a teardrop of fresh blood, and the faded blue-grey blurry eyes watched me as I rose up to me feet, ready. He smiled gently, if only faintly, and reached out his colossal hand, and though I felt small and weak, not to mention afraid, I bravely accepted, clasping mine with his, sensing his grip gently tighten on mine.

There was silence, and I never asked why.

He was leaving, but he wanted to show me something before he does.

Raphael, my brother, ushered me to follow, by gently tugged at my hand, before smiling just a little wider, guiding me away. I held my breath for moment, though smiling weakly in reply, I gripped his hand as tightly, yet as gently as I could, not wanting to let go, yet knowing it was inevitable, and he replied by squeezing back just as carefully.

In my subconscious stroll, hand in hand with Raph, I worried, knowing fully that this will not end the way I want it to.

After all, not every story comes with a happy ending.

Again, our surroundings became clearer, more pronounced, and though in my ghostly, spiritual stroll, I can see him guiding me away from my bedroom, towards the makeshift infirmary, where we resident in the abandoned pumping station.

I kept my fears to myself.

There, at the infirmary, I saw Mike, laid to his side, next to Raph's motionless, physical body; Mike was fast asleep, curling in clear exhaustion next to our unconscious brother, not wanting to leave, incase Raph woke up.

Donny was sitting up, a wet rag in hand, he had used it earlier to wipe away some sweat that had gathered on Raph's throat, despite the fact that his skin was cooling instead of heating up, and that worried Don greatly, for it didn't make any sense. He had stayed up all night, looking after Raph, and now, his head is heavy and nodding with the need to sleep, yet he stubbornly resists, wanting to stay awake for our brothers sake.

The heart monitor Donatello had recently hooked was beeping rhythmically with Raph's weak, yet continuous pulse, informing us that our brother was still among the living, yet the weakening pulse also indicates that it wont stay that way for long.

Our father and mention, master Splinter; Sensei sat nearby, aging faster than I could have ever imagined, he had never looked so small, weak, fragile and sad, a clear sign of a loving father's worry, for his hotheaded son's sake, it was as clear as daylight on his features. There was sadness and sorrow, yet there was a hint of pride, and I knew he acknowledged the truth.

Raph was leaving, and there was nothing for us to do, but accept it, and let him go.

Raph, in our subconscious world, tugged on my hand, smiling gently, asking me to follow, and though my eyes stung, with hot salty tears, overflowing, unsuppressed, I smiled hazily, following him silently. His expression only softened a few more notches, he reached out his free hand to flick away the teardrop from my chin, and I just looked at him, feeling a grip clutching tightly to my heart.

He smiled still, softly, gently, and another crimson teardrop trickled on his pale white cheek, ruby red and bright, drizzling over his cold, pale white skin. I could sense his thoughts, begging me, asking me to be stronger, and I nodded quietly, swallowing a sob that choked my throat. He tightened his hold a bit, as if comforting me, but that only made my river flow again.

'Please,' I found my voice a whisper, 'Don't leave us.' I pleaded.

He held on the smile and gave a slight negative shake, and though there was no voice, I read his lips and he mouthed, 'I have to.'

I grit my teeth, feeling like a child who was parting away from his best friend.

There was a soft sound of shuffling, like feet on a rugged floor, and with a quizzical furrow, I looked away, towards Raph's physical body where it lay motionless on that white bed.

To my surprise, I saw the ghostly figure of three- no! There were four, four turtle tots!

There were us!

Donny, a child no more than nine years of age, with his small yet thin fingers, he was standing next to his adult body, a hand on his shoulder. Little Don had a hand on adult Don's shoulder, and Don furrowed, sensing the touch, yet not waking up. Mike's tot was lingering over Mike's sleeping body, he squatted down and touched his adult side gently over the head, smiling a bit, and Mike furrowed, but didn't wake up either.

When I looked back at Raph's physical body, confused and wondering why our younger selves were present, I tried not to freak out too greatly, when out of Raph's psychical body, I saw a ghostly arm slowly rise out of his chest! Slowly, ever so shyly, Raph's inner child got up, blinking sleepily, before pushing himself out of Raph's physical body, like a child stepping out of bed, and standing upright to his two feet.

Something trembled inside of me, in my very depths, and I gasped, breathless and suddenly feeling my skin as cold as ice! I felt something in my chest, and when I reached up to feel my plastron with my free hand, I was started at the sight of my inner child stepping out of me, like a ghost walking through a wall! It sent a cold shiver, prickling my skin.

I trembled, my lips quivering, in both bawdiness and growing anxiety and fear.

I glanced at Raphael, still holding my hand, yet tightly than before.

Another crimson tear trickled down, but his soft smile never seized, desperately trying to calm me, he reached out his free arm to wrap it around my neck, pulling me gently in a small embrace, squeezing me in his arms only a little, before petting my head and stepping back, yet not releasing my hand just yet, he nodded and looked back at our inner children.

I looked at the children and they giggled, gathering around Raph's child-sized counterpart, happily giggling, though with a touch of sadness, they group hugged, focusing their little arms around Raph, and he grinned sadly, hugging back.

When they separated, little Don and little Mike stepped away, while little me gripped little Raph's hand. The two kids looked at us, and my little self tugged at Raph, they hugged again, though I could clearly sense that my inner self did not want to let go of Raph, either. Soon, they parted, and they still held hands, except this time, little Raph guided my little self towards Sensei's meditating form.

Sensei was sitting with his legs buckled under him, and I can tell he sensed of their approach, for even in his subconscious, I can see him opening his humble, loving brown eyes, looking at our little selves, he smiled weakly with tears filling his eyes. Little me and little Raph let go of each other, and little Raph gave Sensei a big, tight hug, in which Sensei returned just as tightly, more tears flowing down.

My heart skipped a beat, watching my father cry silently, calmly, for when he and Raph parted, he just gave my little brother a peck on the forehead, as if wishing him good luck, and little Raph smiled, nodding his head. Little me and Raph held hands again, they smiled at each other slightly, before looking at Sensei, and master Splinter smiled fatherly, bowing his head for them, in which they replied by bowing their heads in reply.

Soon, they made their way towards me again, and I grew anxious.

The ghostly Raph holding my hand released my hand, in the same time my inner child released little Raph's, but before I could complain or reach out to grasp his hand again, my inner child gripped my hand, pulling me back, preventing me from reaching to Raph, and I stiffened, watching Raph and his inner self hold hands, sharing a small smile, before they both looked at me.

Raphael looked at me, smiling softly, he spoke to me one last time.

'I love you.'

….

Gasping, awakening from my subconscious and to the real world, I blinked.

I heard Mike scream, and I blinked once, twice, I was no longer dream walking.

Yet, I felt them, the tears were hot and bitter, they stung the back of my eyes.

I can hear them crying, from where I sat, here in my small, humble makeshift bedroom. Don and Mike were crying urgently, and in the far distance, I can hear the heart monitor beeping, there was no rhythm, just a long, ear piercing beep. Don's voice was filled with panic, trying to revive or disappearing brother, and Mike was desperately calling Raph's name, begging him not to leave.

I did not try to stop him, to keep him here, I allowed him to leave.

He was gone, my dear brother was gone.

To be truthful, I expected myself to jump and bolt towards the infirmary, once I hear the monitor beeping, or stop beeping, I was surprised at myself, for I did not even flinch.

I just sat there, hot tears raining down on the back of my hands, where they rest, clinched into loose, easy fists, unmoving over thighs, and I sighed softly, closing my eyes for a brief moment, a strange, cool-warming feeling was swelling inside of me, growing, spreading, and a sense of understanding was felt clear, though I could not completely grasp it's meaning.

No mourning, no sadness, just- acceptance.

I said goodbye, and let him go, there was nothing else I could do.

I can't quite explain the feeling, the tightness cracking and unclenching my chest, un-grasping my lungs, allowing me to suck in the air and breath, to think more clearly, to feel more alive!

Somehow, being given the chance to say goodbye, to my dear, departing brother, it- it provided me with a sense of accomplishment, I was- relieved. It somehow made me feel like- I'm not loosing a brother, I'm just seeing him off, that he was leaving to a better place, that there should not be any sadness, no pain, no remorse, no regret.

Raph was doing okay, for where he is going, there will be no suffering, no pain.

Slowly, and maybe a bit stiffly, I pushed myself up to my cold feet, and walked silently towards the loud infirmary, and there, I saw Mike, clutching to Raph's hand, sobbing uncontrollably, begging him to come back. Don was staring wide eyed and terrified, not wanting to believe that our brother is gone, yet the silent tears were there, tapping his thighs, dripping hot and rapidly down from his cheeks like rain.

Sensei, opened his blurry brown eyes, he looked at me for a moment, a silent question, wanting to know if my brother had suffered any pain, if his departure was safe, and I smiled, just a tiny bit, my tears never seized, I mouthed Raph's message, 'I love you.' and Sensei smiled weakly, more tears flowing down his furry skin, and all I could do was smile back, my tears running down my face, acknowledging his comforting gesture.

Sensei and I might have accepted and allowed Raph's departure, silently, unquestioning…

But would Mike and Don do the same? Somehow, I weren't sure.

I had to know if they accepted, for if they didn't, they'll spend the rest of their life in ramose, guilt ridden.

I knew I had to help them up on their feet, though slowly and steadily, for our beloved brother's passing had dropped them to their knees, and I know they're not yet strong enough to push themselves up, for I know the pain is too great, and the guilt is too heavy, but I weren't too sure if they were capable of standing up yet, for I don't know is they suspended any wounds, mentally, because of his final departure.

The burden is too strong, and only I can take the blame.

I will help them, even if it kills me.

Kneeling down next to Mike, I placed a hand on his shoulder and he gasped, jerking his head to gawk at me, startled with the touch. His pupils were not focusing and he looked so small and lost. Still clutching to Raph's limp hand, his lips timbale as his eyelids fluttered rapidly, more moist gathered under his eyelids and overflowed with tears; he tries to talk, but his voice wasn't working, choked with sobs and hiccups, and all I did was smile, softly and sadly, and wrap my arms around him, just as he had done to me before, pulling him into a hug.

It took him a moment to register the gesture, and once it clicked, he slowly, timidly, reluctantly, released Raph's cold, limp hand, and curled his arms around me, his weak, bubbling sobs turn into a low moaning howl, as he pressed his face into my abdomen, sinking onto my lap, his tears rained on my skin, their pitter-patter was clearly felt on my thighs, and I felt them like hot scalding water, hitting a sensitive nerve and slowly sliding off, like nails digging into my flesh, almost threatening to graze-scald my skin.

"He's gone, Leo! He's gone!" Mike moaned, sniffing and sobbing, hiccups erupting in his throat.

I caressed his head, my own silent tears trickling down, "I know." Was all I could whisper.

Don was sitting still in his spot, shoulders slumped and eyes brimmed with wetness, looking blankly at Raph's peaceful face, "At least- it was painless." He finally, softly murmured, tears dripping from his chin, he reached out a hand to cup Raph's cold cheek, thumb brushing over the skin, gently, "He looks so calm." He breathed out, a tiny smile curved on his lips.

I spared him a small smile, "I know." I repeated, my breath growing tight in my chest.

Mike sobered up, after a few moments, if only faintly, he looked at Don, before he sniffled and suppressed another wave of howled sobs, pressing himself into me, "He's gone." He whimpered again, "Raphie's gone."

"And he looks so peaceful." Don breathed quietly, still caressing Raph's cheek.

"I know." I breathed out quietly, smiling faintly, caressing Mike's head.

We sat still, Mike hiccupping and sniffling, latching on to the sides of my shell, he buried his face in my abdomen, sobbing every now and then, murmuring how Raphael is gone, over and over, not yet accepting the fact that we're now, one brother less. Not that I'd blame him, Mike and Raph had been a closest to each other, almost closer than Raph and I.

They felt more than brothers as time, they were like a twin, or if they were two of the same person!

Though I feel Mike is the original, and Raph would have been the doppelganger, if it were the case.

They understood and acknowledged each other so easily, so clearly and so well, sometime with no words spoken, just like Sensei and I do, it made me wonder if they were from the same cluster, or if they shared a single or both parents. Raph always understood when Mike was down or in need of a kind, comforting presence, and Mike knows when Raph is upset, and in need to get his mind off things.

"He looks so peaceful." Mike finally murmured, calming down, half curled on my lap.

I smiled faintly, still caressing his head, "I know."

"There was no pain," he then added, a tiny smile curling on his lips, "it was quick and simple."

"I know." I breathed once more, smiling a bit, glad to hear that he is acknowledging the fact, that our brother is gone.

Mike lay still, resting quietly on my legs, slowly, he started drifting into sleep, "I'll miss him." he then whispered, slipping into dreamland.

I sat still, caressing his cool, wet cheeks, and smiled as a tiny smile spread wider on his lips.

Don sighed, after the long, prolonged silence, he looked at me, a sad smile on his face, "He had left for a better place, right?"

I nodded, "Yes, a place where there is no more pain." I whispered, and then swallowed, "I'll miss him."

"I'll miss him, too." Don smiled faintly, finally withdrawing his hand as more silent tears trickled down.

About that moment, Sensei approached us, no words said, and the four of us huddled closer to Raph's body. Sensei placed his hand on Raph's head, caressing the skin gently, smiling, and I knew he was saying his last goodbye. I knew Sensei didn't want to say goodbye, not until he knew the rest of us accepted the fact that our brother is gone, and I understood his reasons.

Raphael is gone, physically, but mentally, he's still here with us, in this very room!

I can feel him, and I know he's here!

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A/N: one more chapter to go people, review please!