January 27, 2015
She waited outside of his apartment again with a six-pack of craft beer in one hand and a box of pepperoni pizza balanced on the other. This was the fifth time that month, and it finally felt like she was moving on with her life. The first couple of months, Ollie and Dinah noticed her start to leave the house more frequently. They asked where she went, what she was up to, and she told them every time that she was going to meet up with Jim. Then, she started to see her other friends, her team, and her weekly pizza nights with Jim became a regular thing.
He opened the door and immediately took the box from her open hand, "Hey. What'd you bring this time?"
"Pepperoni from Gotham," she answered, following him into his apartment. His space started to feel more comfortable to her than her own. It was surprisingly easy to trust Jim, and they became friends quickly. She confided in him the things that she couldn't tell the others on the Team. Roy was their friend, too, and she didn't want to make them choose sides. Jim, even though they were brothers, understood where she was coming from. He was someone who lived through what Roy was currently living through, and despite the gaping hole in her heart, she still cared about him and wanted to know he would be okay.
"Nice choice. Were you visiting Dick?"
"Yeah." They sat down on the couch in front of the television. Jim liked watching game shows. He said that it was something they never indulged in under Cadmus, and once he started the upper world habit, he got hooked. They didn't usually get together for pizza night with any expectations. They didn't plan on talking about anything in particular, but conversation never lagged between them. Whether it was something light and friendly or something heavy and difficult, the two of them talked about everything. Jim and Lee didn't really have many shared interests outside of pizza, beer, and saving the world. They just enjoyed each other's company.
"How's he doing?"
"Fighting with Z," she shrugged. They fought more often these days, and Lee got the feeling that it had something to do with the pretty red headed bat in the family. They tried being considerate by leaving her out of their quarrels, but she caught on quickly. She'd be shit at her job if she couldn't read body language and social cues, and neither of them was as good at faking it as they thought. Besides, that's not what she went to Gotham to talk to him about, and Dick isn't what she came to Geranium City to talk with Jim about.
She nibbled on a slice and watched the game show he had on. It was some hybrid between dodge ball and capture the flag. Lee had a much easier time talking to Dick about this. She knew he wouldn't take it well, and she was ready to convince him that it was the right move for her. Her gaze flickered to Jim who was reclined on the beat up plaid armchair, sipping a beer. Besides, she didn't care too much about what Dick had to say about it. She knew he was biased.
"I'm thinking about subletting the apartment," she said, trying to sound casual about it as if her heart wasn't pounding anxiously in her chest. The reality was that she was finally past the point of thinking about it. She already started looking for someone to take over her lease. She gave it a couple of months, and despite everything Wally and Dick wanted to believe, Roy wasn't coming back. She hadn't gone back since the day she slipped out through the window and left her engagement ring on the sill. She spent the past few months with Ollie, and she knew that she really didn't have any intentions of keeping that space she meant to share with Roy.
He looked a little bit surprised, but when he finished processing what she said, he smiled at her. He knew that this was a big step for her, and Jim wasn't about to ask her to hold on a little while longer for his brother to realize how badly he messed up. "That's great, Belle. Have you started looking for a new place?"
"Yeah," she started absentmindedly twisting a piece of hair around her finger, "I'm looking at a couple of places. I think it's time I get out of Star City." She may have ambushed Dick and tricked him into touring an apartment complex in Gotham. She was looking at other places, too, but she just wasn't sure where she belonged. Up until recently, she thought that she'd be spending the rest of her life in Star City with Roy. She loved that city. She spent her entire life there, but it didn't feel like home anymore.
"Oh," his eyebrows shot up in surprise. He hadn't been expecting that. They talked about how she couldn't find it in her to stay in that apartment when it was filled with so many memories. He hadn't even thought about how that applied to the whole city. "So, you were asking Dick…?"
She shrugged, "Too many Bats in Gotham. I couldn't think of another way to tell him about it."
He nodded in understanding, "Did you tell the others?"
"I told Artemis and Wally. I'm waiting to tell the others." Lee didn't have a good reason to not tell the rest of the Team, but she just didn't want to make a big deal out of it. M'gann was figuring out her own living situation now that she and Conner split, and Zatanna would offer to share a place with her. Except, Lee just needed to be by herself for once. She spent her entire life living with other people. It was time for her to strike out on her own. She hadn't donned the suit in months. She needed to get out and re-establish herself in a place where she wasn't haunted by so many memories.
"What'd they say about it?" he wasn't paying attention to the television anymore.
"Wally was a bit disappointed. I think he's still holding out for Roy to come back." She had already told him about how their friends all thought she and Roy were endgame. They were the eldest. They always had this thingbetween them. They got engaged young, moved in together… split up. They had broken up before, too. They broke up too frequently for it to have ever been healthy, but at the end of the day, they loved each other. She knew her friends thought this was just another one of those times, but it felt different this time. This wasn't something they could come back from. She wasn't even sure anymore if they really loved each other.
There was a time when she had hoped Roy would come back, too, and Jim had been there to help her through that grief. She couldn't keep track of which days were good and which ones were bad anymore. They ranged between fine and worse. One minute she'd feel confident that she was better, and the next, she'd be crying in the shower. Every step forward felt like a step downhill. Jim helped. He was reasonable and supportive, and he tried to be as objective as possible. He wanted her to feel better. Ever since that night when he first saw her walk into that Suicide Slum bar, he wanted to help her.
She slept on his couch the first time he invited her for pizza, wearing the oversized Gotham U crewneck that was probably somewhere at the bottom of her closet now. He had sent a message to Green Arrow and Black Canary to let them know that she was safe, ane before she left the next morning, he asked if she wanted to come back the following weekend. Pizza night became a weekly tradition.
"He's not going to give up looking for him," Jim couldn't help but feel a little bit guilty. He just wasn't sure if it was because he wasn't out searching or because he couldn't stop Roy from continuing the search.
She didn't hang her head like she used to when he said that, but the sadness in her eyes remained. "I know." It didn't matter either way. At the end of the day, he left her for another woman. There was no excuse for that. On her best days, Lee felt angry. On her worst, she felt destructive. She locked herself up in Dinah's gym and beat the absolute shit out of the dummies. When that wasn't enough, she called Conner up to spar.
"Where else are you looking?"
She swallowed a mouthful of beer before answering. "I'm thinking about heading south. Maybe Texas or Louisiana. St. Roch might be a good place for me. I ran it by Dick." She was still part of the Team, and he was still her leader. Her possible move was as much a tactical one as much as it was personal. They needed eyes on Belle Reve, and Gold Bug was as good as any Bat when it came to covert ops.
"What did he say?"
"He's not thrilled, but he agrees that we need eyes down there." Not that she had been on any missions lately. She tried and failed twice, so far. Dinah's major critique were that she was too aggressive, but her mentor couldn't blame her. Every crook turned into Cheshire when she looked at them, and Lee wasn't holding back. They took her off patrol until further notice. Dick seemed to think that it'd help to get her started on scouting missions, non-combative ones. "What do you think?"
She'd be lying if she said that she didn't care about his opinion. It wouldn't change her mind, but she valued his input. His first thought was that where she lived in relation to him didn't matter. The zeta tubes made it easy for members of the League and affiliate groups to keep in touch. He understood where she was coming from, and for once it wasn't because of Roy. Jim started his new life above ground on with as much independence as he could manage. It was liberating in a way.
"I think it's a great idea," he smiled at her, and for a moment, a memory of Roy's smile flashed through her mind. It was hard, sometimes, being friends with Jim. Lee knew that they were separate people, but their faces were so similar that there were moments when she couldn't help but remember the man she was going to marry.
Lee fixed her expression and smiled back at him, "Really?"
"I mean, sure, you'll be on your own, but you're more than capable of taking care of yourself."
One of the things she liked about him was that he never made her feel like she had to depend on him. He was there for her when she needed or wanted him to be there, and he was respectful of her decisions and feelings. She never felt bad about being angry when she was with him. She didn't feel rushed to be better or pressured to forgive. Jim just let her be angry and depressed, but he made sure she knew when she was hurting herself. He wasn't a yes man. He was just thoughtful and honest.
"We'll have to do a housewarming pizza night," Lee dunked her crust in garlic butter and looked back at the TV. They missed the rest of the dodge ball show.
