for jaylene ( gaysanvtomy_)'s request: what happened as soon as callie saw arizona and sofia at the airport in NY
I went a little rogue, but what else is new
title from melody gardot's "if you love me"
(if you love me) let me know
Just breathe in and out. It was not that hard. It was literally just breathing.
And yet, it seemed nigh on impossible.
She curled her fingers into her leg, her foot bouncing up and down.
She wasn't even quite sure what was more terrifying: flying or what was waiting for her on the ground. Namely, her ex-wife who she was certainly in love with, and who she had been kinda, maybe flirting with via text and the occasional rogue phone call.
But it was easy to be bold and flirty over text. It was easy to laugh and tell dumb, familiar jokes over the phone. In person, when she'd have to actually look at Callie, and see her reactions, and see her smile and the history and weight and hurt in her eyes, that sounded like something out of her nightmares.
Arizona had tried to come up with something, anything to say to Callie when she saw her. 'Hi' felt too simple. 'Ortho, right?' was too much, too soon, too blatantly in love. 'Good to see you again' seemed so impersonal for what they were to each other, whatever that was.
And God only knew who they were to each other. Ex-wives who had shattered each other? Co-parents who had torn each other to pieces? Coworkers who at times openly avoided each other rather than have to interact? Acquaintances who once knew everything about each other? People who had fallen out of love with each other?
No, not that. At least not for Arizona. She had never not been in love with Callie. Even at her lowest points after the amputation, it wasn't Callie she hated; it had always been herself. On the surface, it may have seemed like she wasn't in love with Callie; she had cheated on her for God's sake. But at her core, Arizona always loved Callie. She just didn't think she was worthy of being loved by Callie. And that had been what broke them, at least in Arizona's opinion.
She so desperately wanted to believe that Callie had feelings for her again. Or that she was open to the possibility. It had seemed like it in their texts and sporadic calls. But neither one of them was willing to voice that possibility. Arizona would rather exist in the ambiguity of hopefulness than have the surety of knowing. Because what if Callie didn't want to try again? What if Callie could never forgive Arizona for her multitude of sins? What if Callie still hated her in some minor way?
It was better not to know.
But that not knowing was swiftly coming to an end.
Because Arizona knew that she would just know as soon as she saw Callie. She had always been able to read Callie's emotions, which were always so clear across her face. (Except for the one, most fatal, most painful time Arizona had misread Callie's pity and regret as hope and potential for a future)
The plane jostled slightly and Arizona's heart skipped a beat and she wanted nothing more than to be back in Seattle. Away from the plane. Away from the impending heartbreak that would be seeing Callie again. Away from the terrifying reality that she had just picked up her entire life and moved across the country for the slim chance that her ex-wife didn't hate her anymore.
She wasn't the impulsive one. She was the careful one. She was the one who planned things out and didn't make risky decisions. (Except for the riskiest choice in her life when she decided to take a risk and follow Callie Torres into a dirty bar bathroom.)
Arizona's grip on her leg tightened and she knew she was probably leaving bruises. But the bit of pain grounded her.
Everything was going to be fine. Planes don't normally fall out of the sky. Sometimes people fall back in love. There's always a chance that things would be okay. She just had to keep telling herself that.
Everything would be okay.
She tried to even out her breathing once more, but it still felt like each breath stuck in her chest and ached painfully.
"Mommy?"
Arizona blinked, Sofia's voice pulling her slightly out of her panic and general existential crisis. She turned to her daughter, plastering on a smile. "Yes, sweetheart?"
"Are we there yet?" Sofia asked, barely looking up from her coloring. "Do you think Mama'll like my drawing? It's a dinosaur 'cause dinosaurs have lots of bones and Mama likes bones so much."
Arizona stifled a laugh. "Yeah, I think she'll like it."
"I want her to put it on the fridge. Is that okay?"
"Is what okay?"
"That I'm giving my picture to Mama," Sofia replied and that familiar swell of guilt made itself known once more in her chest. "I can make you a picture too."
"Thanks, sweetheart."
"Are we there yet?"
"Not yet. We still have," Arizona paused, glancing towards the screen she had been watching near-religiously the whole flight, "Just about 10 minutes more."
"And then we'll see Mama and get pancakes and ice cream? Mama said I could get ice cream and even some candy after."
"Did she now?" Arizona asked, tucking Sofia's hair back behind her ear. Sofia nodded resolutely. "Well, if Mama said, I suppose." She was almost positive that Sofia wouldn't even make it back to Callie's apartment awake. Between the excitement of Alex's, then April's wedding and the travel, Sofia had to be completely exhausted. Sofia had managed to drift off for nearly half the flight, resting her head against her mother's arm, but still, Arizona doubted that Sofia would be up for much for the rest of the day.
Sofia chattered away cheerfully about all the things in New York she wanted to show Arizona as the plane made its descent and Arizona tried not to have a complete meltdown with her seven year old next to her.
Fighting the urge to let out a curse or maybe a prayer, Arizona relaxed back against her seat as the wheels touched down. She smoothed her hands over her thighs, trying to gently massage the tension out of her left leg. She'd need to make sure to grab some ice at her hotel, otherwise walking tomorrow would be painful and Callie had a few apartment tours lined up for her.
Callie had seemed so excited over the past month or so, seemingly thrilled to all be back in the same place together. But Arizona couldn't help but remember what had happened the last time they were all in one place together.
Half in a daze, Arizona found herself standing in front of baggage claim before she knew it and that meant Callie was just on the other side. They had exchanged a quick text that the plane had landed. Arizona tried to talk Callie out of picking them up so early in the morning, but Callie wouldn't hear it.
Arizona stifled a yawn as she rearranged their luggage onto a cart, already regretting not accepting that cup of coffee the flight attendant had offered her.
Sofia clambered up onto the luggage, her eyes drifting shut as soon as her head hit one of the duffle bags. Arizona almost told her to move, but she wasn't exactly in the mood for a drawn out argument with an overtired seven year old.
Arizona pushed the cart forward, mindful not to jostle Sofia too much. Part of her almost considered waking Sofia up so she could be a barrier between Callie and herself, but she didn't have the heart to wake Sofia up. And really, she could have a normal conversation with her ex-wife.
It'd be fine. She could do this.
"Arizona!" She had barely even rounded the corner when Callie called her name in that way that Arizona had always loved, full of affection and care.
Arizona only had the chance to offer Callie a tired smile as Callie approached her quickly. Callie only paused for a second, her eyes searching Arizona's face desperately, before moving to pull her into a hug.
Only…
Oh.
Instinctively, Arizona leaned into the kiss, barely managing to hold back a whimper. It was soft and familiar and Callie and everything that Arizona had been missing and it just felt complete. One of Callie's thumbs brushed over her cheekbone and Arizona reached out for Callie, tugging her closer by her jacket.
Callie tipped her head slightly, deepening the kiss for a moment, each falling so easily back into old habits.
But as quickly as it happened, it ended, one or both of them seemingly came to their senses and they sprung apart.
They stared at each other, eyes wide, lips bruised, cheeks flushed, neither speaking.
"I'm sorry-"
"I shouldn't-"
They both began speaking, only to immediately fall silent.
Callie, in a gesture that Arizona had seen her do a million times, tugged at her hair as she sighed, "I didn't… I mean, no, I, uh…"
"Callie-"
"Arizona-"
Once more, they both fell silent.
"I… Callie, I didn't, I don't, what… what are we doing?" Arizona braced herself for a rejection, a denial, anything. It had been years since she let herself even begin to search for any hope, any potential with Callie. The last time she had done that, Callie had taken her heart and shattered it without a second thought. And she had taped herself back together as best she could, but she was almost positive that Callie walking away again might actually break her for good. "Callie?"
Callie let out a weak laugh before saying softly, "I really missed you," as if that answered everything.
"You… you kissed me!" Arizona hissed, mindful of Sofia sleeping only a few feet away.
"You kissed me back!" Callie shot back in a whisper, her eyes darting towards Sofia. "You kissed me back," she repeated. "Fuck, this is not how I wanted to do this."
"How you wanted to do what?"
Callie reached down, tangling their fingers together. "How I wanted to start over, how I wanted to fix things with you, make things better. God, I always do this."
"Callie-"
"I just wanted to do things right. I had a whole plan. I had dates planned out. I had a plan. I never have plans. But I had a plan. Because I wanted to do this ri-"
"Callie!" Arizona squeezed Callie's fingers in an attempt to get her attention. "Callie, it's okay. I mean, I wasn't expecting that. And if you want to, I mean, if you still want to, we can go on dates. I want to go on dates with you. But…"
"But?"
"It was nice?" She offered, "I missed you too." Better to say that than the words that threatened to escape.
A bright smile lit up Callie's face and it felt like coming home. "Yeah?"
"Yeah."
Callie brushed a piece of hair back behind Arizona's ear. "Awesome," Callie said with an almost cheeky smile, her eyes before shifting away from Arizona's face. "Is that my sweater?"
Arizona glanced down and sure enough, it was Callie's. "Um, no, definitely not!"
"Arizona-"
"Mommy, 'm hungry. Mama!" Sofia scrambled off the luggage, jumping for Callie. Callie barely managed to catch Sofia, nearly knocking into Arizona. "You're here!"
"You mean, you're here. I was already here," Callie corrected, laughing as she pressed a kiss to Sofia's forehead. "I'm glad you're here," she said, looking over Sofia's head for a moment. "I'm really glad you're here."
"Mama, I'm starving. Can we get Mickey Mouse pancakes?" Sofia yawned, "And also ice cream. Mommy said we could get ice cream."
"Well, if Mommy said…"
"I thought you said that Mama said we could get ice cream, little miss." Sofia pouted at both of them, and Arizona nearly melted. "Maybe we can get ice cream this afternoon, or after dinner…" Arizona trailed off, realising that she had just invited herself to dinner. And it was Callie's night anyway. They had agreed to that, that it was better for Sofia to stay with Callie until Arizona had an apartment. They weren't a family. They weren't together. "I, uh…."
"I was thinking we could order Chinese. You'll love this place. It's just down the street and the egg rolls are so good," Callie cut in easily, shifting Sofia to her other hip. "Sof, don't you think Mommy will like it?" Sofia nodded empathetically, even as her head drifted towards Callie's shoulder, her eyes barely staying open.
"Egg rolls later, pancakes now," Sofia grumbled.
"You sure?" Arizona asked, unable to keep the hope out of her voice. She was well aware that a more serious conversation between her and Callie was needed. They couldn't just go from barely speaking to having shockingly romantic kisses in airports. They couldn't afford to just jump in the deep end like they had done so many times before. But that didn't stop her from craving those moments with Callie and Sofia. They had wasted so much time.
"Of course, I'm sure. Was I unclear earlier?"
"No, no," Arizona couldn't help but smile, "you were pretty crystal clear about your intentions."
xx
get ready for incoming christmas fics (including the much anticipated next part of the s9 au) ! also if you're interested in joining the calzona fic challenges, please dm me
hit me up on twitter lavender_lenax or tumblr avasharpest or in the comments here if you have requests! (for either drabbles or something longer!)
if you're interested in joining my discord, please dm me and I'll get you sorted
much love xx
