A Werewolf's Prophecy
Part 3: Past the Point of No Return
My best friend is dead and the woman I love hates me. My only reason for living is my mission, and I will fulfill it, regardless of the risks. I cannot believe I did that to her, she was already in so much pain and I just piled more on. It only proves how much I don't deserve her. I am disgusted with myself, everything about me is deplorable. The timing of this mission is perfect, finally I must be amongst other cursed creature, where I belong…
June 29, 1996
In Remus's mind, the past week was a blur. Sometimes, for a few seconds, he was able to convince himself it was all a nightmare. Then he would silently scold himself; Remus Lupin didn't have nightmares, he lived them. He was livid with himself. Furious for letting himself believe that he could find happiness when he knew all along it was not possible. Dumbledore had tried to warn him not long after the holidays, and he didn't listen. Yes, he gave it some thought after that meeting. He allowed himself to dwell on the possibilities of what the prophecy could mean, but then he came home and she was waiting for him.
He had spent the day sulking in The Hog's Head and then walking it off around Hogsmeade, trying to prepare his speech. He had a list of reasons why it wouldn't work, which seemed reasonable enough for him. But he knew in his heart that they were all rubbish and she wouldn't go for any of it. He decided he would be firm no matter what she said. He had to; it was for the best in the long run.
Then he stepped inside the door and saw her. She wore her hair long that day, still pink but with highlights of blond, almost white. Somehow she made this look natural, as if she was born that way. She was laughing at something Sirius was saying, another story from their Hogwarts days.
"Wotcher Remus! You've been gone a long time, you almost missed dinner! I've made lasagna and I didn't burn anything, can you believe it!" She kissed him on the cheek and pulled him toward the kitchen and suddenly everything he wanted to say made no sense anymore. "I'll just give it a little more time," he thought to himself. He smiled brightly and took the plate of food Tonks handed to him.
But "a little more time" turned into months and his life became all about her. He did work for the Order whenever needed, kept Sirius company most of the time, tried to console Harry whenever he complained about that retched toad Umbridge or problems with Snape. At the end of the day it was all about her: What was she doing? Was she thinking of him? Would he be able to see her that day? He spent his free time sketching her face or recording a random thought or memory of her in his journal. Surprisingly, Sirius did not harass him about this; perhaps he did know where to draw the line.
Despite how he felt, he still kept his emotions to himself. They had fun, talked about everything, laughed together at almost everything Sirius did or said. But they did not discuss what they were to each other very often. When they did it would turn into a fierce argument, after which Tonks would drop it for a few weeks, Remus would act like everything was perfect, and then the cycle would start again. Part of the problem was their ever present sexual tension that was never fulfilled. Even if Remus didn't openly accept the prophecy, it was still in the back of his mind and he didn't want to take any chances. Tonks accepted this rather begrudgingly at first but then got accustomed to his restraint and began to think of it as a virtue of his. She assumed he was waiting until they were married and happily accepted that her boyfriend was a gentleman, even if she still groaned loudly when he would stop just short making love to her.
Then their happy little world came crashing down. They all knew they were in the middle of a war; they had fought Death Eaters and been on covert missions all year. But it did not become real until Sirius died. It was as if Sirius was this Euphoria Elixir that made one think that everything was going to turn out all right – Voldemort would be defeated, Sirius would be cleared of all charges, werewolves would be given the same rights as everyone else, Remus and Tonks could be together. Sirius had represented hope and second chances. Now he was gone and the spell was broken.
Remus and Tonks had gone back to Grimmauld Place after leaving Harry at King's Cross. They didn't say much to each other. They ate dinner quietly, staring for long periods at their food. Tonks's hair was long and black and hung in her face. Remus did not need to ask why but desperately wanted to console her, make her change it back; Sirius wouldn't have wanted it this way.
"Are you still in any pain?" he asked, not knowing what else to say.
"A little. I'll be fine. Thank you though." She finally raised her eyes to meet his. When they started to fill with tears she looked away. Remus wasn't sure what to do at first. She hadn't cried at St. Mungo's when he told her what happened. She just became quiet and her hair became dark. Suddenly now her grief was pouring out and she was muttering, "All my fault, it was all my fault!"
Remus found his way around the table and engulfed her in his arms. "No! Please don't think that, don't ever think that. There was nothing more that you cold have done. You are an excellent witch." He pulled away slightly and ran his finger across her forehead, pushing her hair out of her face. He placed a light kiss on her lips and pressed his forehead to hers. "If you are to blame then we are all to blame. None of us were able to save him. It was…It was his time. He would have wanted it this way, going down during a fight rather than wilting away inside this house."
Tears were streaming down his face now. Suddenly he found himself matching Tonks's grief and they clung to each other silently. Several minutes later both of them felt drained. When they lifted their heads and looked into each other's eyes neither of them had the energy to consider any alternatives to what would happened next. Their lips met slowly but with fervent need. Tonks was cupping his face with both hands when she lifted her body slightly to wrap her legs around his body. As if there was some other force guiding him he stood, holding her against him and walked toward the stairs. When he reached his bedroom he lowered her on the bed slowly.
It continued as it always had, but this time it was lacking the familiar restraint. He began to explore her body with his mouth, guiding her movements as he helped her remove her clothes. Each time he lifted his face from a part of her to remove a shirt or a sock, their eyes would meet but no words were spoken. When it finally happen, she cried out softly, tears still coming down her face. He tried to kiss them all away but there were too many. As they continued to move together, he held her close, trying to keep their bodies joined as much as possible, not wanted to let any part of her go. When he finally came he whispered softly, "I love you," causing Tonks to tighten her grip around him and her tears to start again.
He held her close all night long and they both slept deeply, hardly shifting in their sleep. He awoke at dawn and immediately rolled to his side, running his hands over his face, scenes from the night before flashing in his memory. "What have I done?"
He suddenly felt anxious. He looked down at Tonks sleeping. She looked so much more peaceful than she did the night before. Even her hair was different, still black but with shades of various colors lightly visible throughout. He slowly moved off of the bed, trying not to wake her, and put on his clothes, throwing a few of his things into a small bag. He looked at her one more time before quietly slipping out the door and down the stairs. He had to come up with a plan, of what to say, how to do it. He knew now what he must do, what he should have done months ago, long before it got to this point.
He was sitting at the kitchen table, sipping a mug of cocoa when he heard her move down the stairs. When he saw her standing in the doorway, looking younger than he ever saw her, he had a fleeting moment where he changed his mind, but he quickly looked away.
"You're up early," she said as she moved toward him, kissing the top of his head and turning toward the pot of cocoa he left on the counter. "Oh good you left me some."
"Of course. I woke up a little while ago and couldn't go back to sleep."
She gave him a half-smile and took a seat adjacent to him, blowing lightly into her steaming mug. "So, should we talk about it or pretend it never happened."
He smiled with an air of sadness; he loved how she always got right to the point. "We need to talk about it…"
"Ok. Me first. It was wonderful Remus, better than anything I could have imagined." She was smiling vibrantly now. He wouldn't look at her.
"We can't do this anymore, Tonks," he said flatly, weakly trying to sound detached and unfeeling.
"What? What are you talking about?"
"We can't do this" he gestured back and forth between them, "anymore. I'm leaving."
She stared at him for a moment with a serious wrinkle in her brow. Her hair turned white for a split second before she was able to compose herself.
"You're leaving. Ok, yeah, and, where exactly are you going to go?" Her shock was rapidly turning into anger.
"Dumbledore offered me an important mission a few weeks ago. Now I feel as though it is my duty to take it." He finally looked up to see her expectant expression. "It's underground, with the werewolves."
"What? So what you're saying is, you're leaving me, no, you are breaking up with me, so that you can be with your 'own kind'." She stood up and turned toward the window.
"Tonks, I'm not…breaking up with you. I mean we were never really, together in the first place."
She turned slowly toward him, her mouth open, unable to believe what he was saying. "So what exactly was last night then, huh, a goodbye fuck? Figured you'd finally get it in me now that you're leaving."
"No! It wasn't like that. Last night was… a mistake. I lost control. It should never have happened."
Tonks ran her tongue over her top lip and pushed out her jaw in frustration. She was desperately trying to suppress her tears. She couldn't cry anymore, she couldn't stand the thought of more tears. Finally she was able to softly say, "You said you loved me."
Remus breathed in and clenched his jaw. He knew she was going to say that and he had prepared his answer. "I lied."
She was staring so intently at him; he could have sworn she was looking inside of him. "Lied. Right, you lied. Of course you did." She paused, "I don't believe you."
"I'm sorry, Tonks, but it just happened, you know, in the heat of the moment. We were both upset, I was trying to comfort you, it just came out…I…"
"No. This is not happening. You are not doing this. Pushing me away just because of this one thing. It's just sex Remus! Why does it have to be such a big deal with you? I mean, that's not what I mean. Sex is a big deal, but why does it have to change everything? Why can't we just move forward? Why must you ruin any chance of a future for us?"
"Because we never had a future."
"What are talking about, how could you know that?" She was standing right in front of him now, her arms crossed, staring at him defiantly.
"This was never meant to be. I can't be with you. Not now. Not ever." He stood and walked around her towards the front door. He grabbed his coat and his small bag near the doorway.
She paused for a moment before turning and followed him, suddenly desperate, "Please, Remus, just tell me why."
He turned with his hand on the doorknob, "There isn't anything to tell. You deserve so much better than me and you will find it. Please Tonks, just it accept it, there is no other way." He took one last look into her eyes and quickly opened the door and stepped out before he could change his mind. He immediately apparated to an alley down the street to avoid the chance of her following him. He crouched down against the wall and sobbed violently into his hands.
A/n: Thanks to all the readers for the encouraging reviews! I probably won't be able to update this story again till the end of the week or possibly the beginning of next week. Next up – Now that Remus has accepted the Prophecy as real how will that affect his stay with the werewolves?
