Surrounded By Darkness

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers: Yeah so still not mine and all that crap/pouts/

Warnings: OCC, yaoi, angst.

Pairing: Yoji/Ken, or something like that…

Notes: Stuff written in Italic are thoughts.

Chapter 9. Getting It

Yoji leaned back against the coolness of the window and stared into the darkness. He was actually a little shocked that he hadn't gone out to get rip-roaring drunk and fucked the first living thing that crossed his path. Deep down inside he knew why though. The scene he had witnessed earlier had left him feeling numb and now he was alone with the blame hanging around his neck like a stone.

Although he had worked so hard to push Ken away he had, for some reason, never thought the brunet would actually leave him behind. But Ken had, and he had gone straight to Aya. And the hardest part was that Yoji couldn't blame his former lover for it. Ken deserved someone like Aya; someone who'd do anything for him and never let his fucked up head inflict hurt like Yoji had.

He knew Aya dragged around even more emotional baggage than he did and even though the redhead was cold, aloof and had a ten-foot pole shoved up his ass; he'd never hurt anyone he cared about intentionally. The blonde sighed deeply, slowly thumping his head against the glass.

"What the hell do I do now?" he asked the empty room. It was a really good question, one he had no answer for. He wanted Ken to be happy, but it was one thing to wish for his former lover to find happiness with someone else and actually watch it happen. Not for the first time Yoji desperately wished that he had never fallen for the brunet, that he hadn't felt so peaceful whenever Ken was around and most of all… he wished he hadn't fucked it up.

/&/

It surprised Ken that even though his head was foggy from sleep he still knew exactly where he was and whom he was with. Aya's face was so close he could almost see it clearly, fine red eyelashes sweeping over pale skin. In his sleep the redhead looked peaceful, almost juvenile, the sharp edges smoothened temporarily. Ken sighed softly and squinted in an effort to see the large green digits on the clock radio.

His uncooperative eyes blurred and a sharp stab of pain warned him to keep trying. A shudder ran through him caused by the fear of having yet another episode when his entire body would be pulled taunt from pain. So not what he needed at the moment. Slowly he backed away from his friend and tested his balance with utmost care, not willing to put too much confidence in his yet not completely awake legs.

Aya's features distorted with the increased distance and Ken could only hope something could be done about it. Mulling over his eyes and his situation the brunet shuffled towards the door. One more day before he could ask a doctor about his sight, now if only a physician could tell him how to sort out things with Yoji. Ken smacked himself over the head and let out a low groan.

"Ow," he hissed as his thoughtless action inflicted another stab into his brain. He would have to take a pill to take the edge off. Suddenly the blurring worsened and the familiar surroundings became unrecognizable. "Fuck!" Ken squinted his eyes but only managed to make the pain turn into agony. Fumbling blindly towards his room, where his pills were, the brunet pressed the heels of his hands against his temples, desperately trying to alleviate the pressure. He could practically here his skull start to crack as his brain pounded against it relentlessly.

"Ken?" Ken's only answer was a moan; all his energy now focused on keeping his head in one piece. "Come on baby," the soft voice encouraged, gentle hands holding him up and leading him forward. "Lie down, I'll get your pills." For a heartbeat the pain ceased, like it was gathering power, and then it hit with full force.

/&/

The wail of pain made his skin prickle as his hands fumbled with the childproof lid, his mouth muttering curses. He wasn't a child for crying out loud so why the hell didn't the stupid lid open?

"Push and twist," he grumbled and closed his eyes as a second wail boomed through the otherwise quiet house. With difficulty he forced his stressed body to relax and finally managed to get the bottle opened. A mug with water was already waiting for him and he swiftly shook out a pill and headed for the bed.

"Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop," Ken chanted, tears leaking from his closed eyes.

"I'll try baby. Can you swallow this?" The brunet cried out again and his left arm shot out. "Easy there Ken, try to relax."

"Yoji?" The lanky blonde smiled sadly and caressed Ken's face.

"Yeah it's me."

"Help me," his former lover pleaded and let out a hoarse moan. Yoji nodded and carefully made sure the pill was swallowed. He put away the mug and started rubbing his fingers against the base of Ken's skull, trying to ease the pain a little. Slowly the tense body beside him started relaxing a little.

"That's right baby, settle down, you'll feel better soon," Yoji promised and helped Ken get into a more comfortable position, straightening out his limbs. He thought the brunet had fallen asleep when he suddenly spoke again.

"I won't say I'm sorry, I won't. No matter how much you hate me I will never regret what I did… and you can't hold that against me forever." Yoji swallowed thickly.

"Ken, I… I don't hate you." The brunet stiffened and his face twisted into a sneer.

"I might be blind, but I can still tell when you're lying to me. You do hate me and I don't know exactly why, or if you'll ever stop but… I get it now."

"Ken? Get it, get what?" Yoji wondered quietly, a bad feeling churning in his gut.

"The way I feel about you won't change, ever, but I get that I have to let go. You have to let go too." The tall blonde just stared, his fingers fidgeting in Ken's hair.

"I… I love you Ken." A soft sleepy smile spread across Ken's face and he nodded sluggishly.

"Thank you." His hand grabbed Yoji's, tucked it beneath his chin and then promptly fell asleep.

/&/

The differences in Aya's behavior were minute but Yoji knew the man well enough to see them. His cold attitude towards the girls was the same, so were his one-syllable answers and it wasn't like he suddenly had started wearing his heart on his sleeve. But a fraction of the ice in his eyes had melted and his posture was a little less rigid, like some of the world's weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

Yoji stayed as far away from the redhead as possible, trying not to think about the reason for Aya's transformation. He had gone through a similar change when he had started going out with Ken and he… just didn't want to think about it. A couple of girls had questioned the blonde's uncharacteristic silence, wondering why he didn't flirt like usual. Yoji swiftly sidetracked them and made sure his act was more believable because the last thing he needed was to be questioned.

As soon as Omi took over he headed to Ken's room and was pleased to find his former lover still sleeping peacefully. He took as seat on the edge of the bed and pondered the brunet's words. Did Ken really mean that he intended to let Yoji go, just like that? And did he also expect Yoji to just step aside and watch as he committed himself to Aya? The blonde sighed deeply and reached out to run his finger's through Ken's hair.

He might feel it was the right thing to do, to honor the brunet's wishes, but how was he supposed to do that? Ken had been right, sort of, claiming that Yoji had been lying when saying that he didn't hate him. The truth was far more complicated than that and he wasn't even sure what he was feeling anymore. Love, that one was given, always had been and always would be. Hurt, because the brunet had kissed someone else. Anger, still lingering from the moment when he saw the blood pool around Ken's head and he had wanted to kill a part of his lover, destroy whatever it was that without a thought almost had killed the person Yoji loved the most. Sadness, almost like bruises on his heart, making it ache and sting, becoming more and more painful as Yoji got more and more sure Ken was slipping away from him.

But hate… No, hate was not what he felt anymore. Sighing he ran his eyes over the brunet's face, the slope of his jaw, his neck and finally settled on the back of his head. It was barely visible anymore; brown hair had started to gain length and almost covered it, the scar from that fateful shot. Why couldn't he just have been happy that Ken survived a bullet to the head? Why did he have to be so damn greedy? Yoji sighed and gently traced his former lover's closed eyes with his finger. He wanted Ken back, blind or not; he wanted that man back in his life.

"I'm sorry," the blonde mumbled quietly, his eyebrows pulling together in a sad frown. He remained sitting there just looking and it wasn't until Ken started showing signs of waking up that he finally left.

/&/

Ken was more than a little reluctant to even think about moving, or think at all really, when he woke up. His entire body felt like it had been mangled, his brain still a little hazy from the drugs and somewhere in the back of his head came a dull ache. He could also feel the distinctive pull in his left calf; informing him that if he just dared to stretch he would get a cramp, not something he felt a need for at the moment.

Grumbling, very quietly, to himself the brunet pondered his options. One was to just simply lie there until his body felt normal. A second was to say fuck it, get up and suffer the consequences. Another was to very slowly start moving and hope for the best. None of them seemed very good but the first one was winning until Ken realized, much to his dismay, that his bladder wasn't going to let him take that option.

"Bummer," he huffed and slowly started to test his muscles, and his poor sore head. His left leg immediately punished him and his calf muscle knotted up painfully. "Holy fuck!"

"Cramp?" a voice asked calmly from over by the door and Ken jumped every so slightly.

"Yeah, could you help me?" He could smell Aya as the redhead approached and firmly, but gently, took a hold of his foot, pressing the toes up and heel down.

"Better?"

"Ow! Not yet, give me a minute," Ken muttered, irritated by his body's way of making him weak. Aya say nothing and simply continued to force the cramping muscle to stretch out. Eventually it gave in and relaxed. "Can you help me get up too?"

"Aa." Sure hands maneuvered him into a sitting position and then pulled him onto his feet.

"Thanks Aya." He swayed for a while before his feet seemed to understand that he wanted them to move. "God, I need to piss," the brunet growled and hobbled towards the bathroom, muttering about his stupid bladder underneath his breath. A very quiet and soft chuckle trailed behind him and Ken responded to it by giving the amused redhead the finger.

TBC

Not a very exiting chapter but at least it's a chapter, right? I'm going back for my final year at Uni next week and that should mean more frequent updates, hopefully, maybe. Ja/Atsureki