Surrounded By Darkness

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers: If they were mine there would be sex and making out and probably no missions or flowers what so ever…

Warnings: OCC, yaoi, angst.

Pairing: Yeah I think Ken would like to know that too /evil grin/

Notes: Stuff written in Italic would be thoughts.

Chapter 10. What If

The white walls and the sharp fluorescent light made the corridor look sterile and unwelcoming, but not anywhere near as unwelcoming as the tall redhead who was standing just outside one of the many doors. His pale face was twisted into a mask that clearly told people to stay the hell away from him and his eyes were like two purple chips of arctic ice. He didn't move and seemed to keep guard like a rabid watchdog. Moments earlier he had almost scared two nurses to tears with his deadly glare and several other people had taken to making a detour to avoid passing him by.

Aya's attention was not on the corridor though, his ears where completely devoted to detecting any sounds coming from behind the door he guarded. In there Ken was being examined and evaluated by a doctor that Aya had given a warning look before he allowed his friend to go with him. He was deeply concerned for Ken because he wasn't sure how the brunet would react if the news about his sight were bad.

On the ride to the hospital Ken had admitted that even if he could see, everything was blurry and his eyes got tired very quickly. Aya frowned every so slightly as he remembered their conversation. Even though Ken could appear to wear his heart on his sleeve, perhaps more so since he became blind, the redhead knew that it more often than not was the exact opposite. Ken's mask was much better than his or Yoji's or Omi's, it also seemed as it took a lot more energy to keep up. And the whole situation with Yoji was not helping.

As far as Aya was concerned Yoji was a moron, an over obsessed fool who couldn't see what was right in front of him. He had spent all this time blaming Ken for doing something that would have been instinctive to any person who loved someone. There was a part of Aya that understood the anger and the fear that Yoji must be suffering from but in all honesty he was just too damn annoyed and pissed off about the amount of hurt the blond had inflicted on Ken to be sympathetic. It seemed like Yoji was catching up though, but God only knew if he could stay on track long enough to get the whole picture and start repairing the damage he had caused. The door to his left opened and Aya snapped out of his thoughts.

"Ken?" The brunet looked up and gave him a strange smile that Aya couldn't quite interpret. He was about to ask what the doctor had said when Ken hooked one arm around his and almost pulled him towards the exit.

"I'm hungry," Ken declared and seemed to ponder that for a moment. "Burgers? Yeah, definitely burgers, McDonalds," he continued cheerfully and squinted against the sun.

"Aa, wear your glasses," Aya said softly and headed towards the car, not sure what to think.

/&/

Yoji had pretty much given up on working, or given up on pretending to flirt with the girls as of the last half hour or so. His eyes kept glancing at the time and his hands were simply fumbling too much to be allowed near anything fragile. Omi had already yelled at him twice and he was tired of getting stuck by thorns anyway. It had been hours since Aya drove Ken to the doctor and even though he had no idea why Yoji was nervous about their return.

Since he had been told to let go he hadn't been able to think straight and regret had settled in his stomach like a heavy stone. He had to admit that even though it of course sucked royally that he probably had lost Ken, the fact that he had treated him like shit made him feel worse. Or did he feel like that because the entire blame for their broken relationship was on him? Yoji snorted to himself. Wasn't this the problem in the first place? That he was too damn selfish, too quick to feel sorry for himself… Green eyes narrowed.

At the moment all he had to do, and could do, was to apologize for being an ass. Ken could then accept his apology and they could be friends and eventually perhaps get a second chance at a relationship. Of course, Ken could also tell him to go fuck himself and never talk to him ever again. Yoji groaned and decided to stick with the former possibility. It was just after closing time when he finally heard Aya's car and he had to force himself not to run to the door to see if Ken was all right. With a great effort to look like he just happened to be heading upstairs the blond strolled towards the sound of voices.

"Aren't you a little old for balloons?" Aya rumbled and Yoji was just in time to see the brunet grin like a moron, a red balloon floating just above his head.

"The nice lady at McDonalds didn't seem to think so," Ken chirped and balanced precariously on one foot as he tried to untie his sneaker.

"You STOLE it from a little kid," Aya exclaimed and the brunet just grinned wider, pulling the string in order to make the balloon bob up and down.

"I DID NOT! She was handing it to me," he insisted, stuck his tongue out at his taller friend and started skipping towards the stairs. All Yoji could do was stare so hard his eyes practically popped out. Something wasn't right here, something didn't add up. The blond glanced at Aya, who didn't seem the least bit bothered.

"What did the doctor say?" he asked. The redhead looked up from the bags he was sorting through and for a moment Yoji almost thought Aya would tell him that it was none of his business.

"I don't know," Aya admitted and frowned slightly, "I really don't know." The blond matched his teammate's frown and pursed his lips. So, Ken hadn't told Aya? He headed towards the stairs; intent on finding out exactly what put Ken in such a good mood. And what the hell it was that had changed that he couldn't put his finger on.

/&/

Yoji hesitated outside the door to Ken's room. He was worried about what the doctor might have said and he was afraid that Ken's good mood had to do with Aya. There was only one way to find out though. The knocking seemed to go by unnoticed and Yoji was starting to wonder if Ken gone somewhere else… like Aya's room.

"Come in, or don't, whichever suits you best," Ken suddenly hollered cheerfully from inside. The blond blinked, too surprised by his former lovers playful answer to do anything at all. The door opened and Ken's head popped out. "The idea is that you come in," he said with a small smile. Yoji nodded slightly and walked in. Behind him Ken closed the door and then gestured to the only chair in the room.

"I… I was just wondering what the doctor said… an' all," the blond mumbled with uncertainty. His former lover sat down on the bed and for a while he just sat there, quietly observing Yoji. He knew that there was something wrong with the fact that Ken was studying him, that his brown eyes were almost focused on his face, but his brain just couldn't seem to put two and two together.

"I went there because ever since that morning when I disappeared and you went looking for me I've been able to see, sort of," Ken finally said, his voice quiet and subdued. "The thing is that even if I CAN see again I can't see very well. You're pretty much just a big blur until I come much closer. So I went to my doctor to figure this out and I was really afraid that he would tell me that this would go away and…" Ken looked away and Yoji got the strange feeling that he decided to change what he was about to say. "It's not gonna get worse. It's not gonna get better either. He suggested I'd try glasses, perhaps lenses but I dunno if it's gonna help or not."

"You're not blind?"

"Hm, legally I think I am but no, not blind." Somewhere deep inside Yoji something started to simmer and he wasn't sure if he should fight against it or not, his head already reeling with what Ken had told him.

"Why didn't you tell me?" the blond hissed and Ken raised an eyebrow in question to the angry tone of voice. "If I had know that you could see I would've…"

"Yoji!" the brunet barked and shot to his feet. His brown eyes were practically blazing as they nailed themselves to Yoji's the best they could. "The fact that I can see has nothing to do with you, it changes nothing between us now, nor would it have done earlier. I told you to let go! Why can't you just let it go Yoji?" The harshness in his voice tapered off and Ken suddenly seemed very, very, tired. "Please, let it go."

"Let it go?" Yoji had to really turn his head inside out in order to keep up with his former lover. And between all that he also had to find the time to mentally kick his own ass for being an ass… again. "I'm not sure I can." Ken didn't comment on that and they just sat there, staring at each other.

"If that bullet would've missed me, or if it had hit me in the arm or somewhere else that wasn't dangerous…" the brunet suddenly said, his tone flat, "you wouldn't have done what you did." Yoji swallowed and looked away. He wasn't sure if that was a question or not or exactly what Ken was claiming he wouldn't have done, and Yoji really wished that Ken didn't sounded like… well… Aya.

"I…"

"No, I get it, I do. I still don't understand why you hate me now but if you hadn't thought I was going to be blind forever you wouldn't have left me, right?"

"Ken, that's not…"

"Fuck you Yoji! I needed you and I thought that you'd be there for me, but you just walked away. You told me I was going to be blind for the rest of my life and then you just walked away! I'm sorry I got shot. I'm sorry I didn't see that guard. I'm sorry!" Stunned by the guilt Ken's words had inflicted on him he stared at the floor. It was fucking hard to defend himself against accusations that were true.

"It was never about you being blind," he finally said quietly and heard how Ken snorted at him. "It wasn't and I'm sorry I made you think that."

"Why then, why?"

"You almost got yourself killed Ken," the blond almost growled and met his former lover's eyes again. "And I hated you for that." Ken's eyes lit up with shock and his mouth dropped open. "I almost lost you because you were stupid enough to try and stop a bullet with your own body!" The brunet shook himself to recover from Yoji's words.

"I was trying to save your life! I did what anyone would've done for someone they love!" Yoji shot to his feet and didn't care that he was practically spitting as he screamed.

"Who the hell asked you to save my life? That's a fucked up thing to do for a loved one Ken! Do you have idea what that feels like? What it was like to see you lying there bleeding to death because you thought I wanted it that way?"

"Yotan…" The blond shook his head and ignored the fact that there were tears pressing against his eyes.

"You almost made me lose you and for what; some fucking sense of obligation? I saw that guard Ken, I SAW HIM and I didn't say anything because he hadn't seen you!" One tear escaped and Yoji turned around before he wiped it away. "He was aiming at my chest and he was dying, barely had the strength to keep his eyes open. And I knew that he only had one shot and as long as he aimed it at me it would be all right." Ken moved behind him, shifted on the bed.

"So it would've be okay for you to do what I did?" the brunet grated out and Yoji couldn't stop himself from letting out a bitter laughter.

"Ken, I was wearing a vest! You told me to always wear one and I always did."

/&/

Yoji's words kept echoing inside Ken's skull. He had lost his sight for no reason; he had almost gotten himself killed in vain. As the impact of the whole thing hit the brunet he started laughing, first as a quiet chuckle and then almost hysterically as he wept. What a fool he had been! But what if that guard had gotten two shots off? What if he had aimed higher? What if? Whatifwhatifwhatifwhatif?

Ken shook his head to stop those two words from stringing themselves together until it drove him insane. Maybe Yoji would have been all right without Ken interfering but it was still just a maybe. Ken had to be honest with himself and admit that even if he had known that his actions could cost him his sight and that Yoji might have been okay on his own he would still have thrown himself in front of that bullet all over again.

The blond had stalked off somewhere and Ken was tired, emotionally exhausted. He rose, wiped the tears from his face and for a long time he just stood there squinting at the door.

His head was throbbing slightly but it didn't seem to be the start of one of the horrific headaches. A normal one he could handle and he knew just the thing to ease it. With a determined look on his face he changed into a pair of sweats and a ratty old t-shirt before he left his room, heading for one of the other bedrooms. The door was unlocked and the darkness inside did nothing to slow him down anymore, he was used to fumbling around in it. He could here the telltale breathing from a sleeping person from the bed and he didn't hesitate to follow it.

Carefully he slipped into bed and turned his back against his sleeping teammate. It was only a matter of seconds before a chest was pressed against his back and a strong arm snaked around his waist. Ken settled down to sleep, his entire body relaxing at the familiar feeling.

"Good night Yoji," he murmured, grabbed the blond's hand in his and fell asleep.

TBC

Um I don't really have anything to say... Ja/Atsureki