A/N: So, apparently the FNDM hasn't murdered me yet XD. It is nice to see that this fic has picked up some decent traffic for a first chapter. Now if some of that love could go towards Joan Arc's Legend that would be awesome.
Excuse me while I continue to build my sin throne while listening to Hollywood Undead.
An Unlucky Drunken Marriage
Summary: Qrow just wanted to relax after a long time away on a mission. Celebrating by hitting the new nightclub that opened up seemed good in his mind. Too bad he ended up drunkenly marrying a cute blonde knight in the process.
*Rude Awakening*
Joan blinked her eyes open with a weak groan of pain, her head pounding as though someone smacked her on the head repeatedly with a mallet. A ton of regret hit her like a wave and she felt a powerful surge of nausea rise from her stomach. "I'm never going drinking again…"
She knew it was a bad idea to listen to Nora's suggestion to make JNPR's bonding session be at a new nightclub. Hell, they all knew it, and yet no one was able to resist the cute puppy dog stare she gave all of them. Joan was definitely going to give her an earful whenever she got back to Beacon.
The blonde was lying in a very comfortable bed and she sat up with a yawn, rubbing her eyes. She froze a few seconds later and all of the color drained from her face. Her eyes widened and she let out a high pitched scream at the sight of a man's toned ass in front of her. "AHHHH!"
The man turned around, failing to conceal any bit of himself. "Oh hey, you're awake."
Joan's blue gaze left his naked chest and stomach, trailing down to the impressive length he had between his legs. Blood rushed to her face at the sight of his manhood and she was sure that she just had a nosebleed.
"Hello? Remnant to Blondie?" The man waved his hand in front of her face, either unaware that he was completely nude or just not caring. "You in there?"
Joan regained her senses and pulled the sheet over her own naked body with a startled meep, blushing furiously and panicking at the thought of having drunken sex with a total stranger. 'Oh my God, oh my God! Did that really happen!? I just slept with someone I don't even know!'
'Oh no, Mom's going to kill me!'
While she was busy panicking about the many different ways her mother would tear her a new one, the man let out a loud yawn and nearly tripped over the pile of clothes that were folded up sloppily on the ground. "Well…great. This is going to be hard as shit to explain. Are you done freaking out now?"
Joan turned to glare at him and chucked the nearest pillow she could grab at him. "No! What the hell happened last night!? Why are we naked in the same bed!?"
"Read it and weep." The man tossed her a crumpled up piece of paper with a snort, blocking the pillow with a lazy flick of the wrist. "By the way, I'm not too thrilled either."
Joan took the paper with a glare and unfolded it to see what the hell this sleazy old (yet handsome) pervert was on about.
By the authority granted to me as headmaster of Beacon, I hereby declare Qrow Branwen and Joan Arc to be married.
"WHAT!?" she screamed. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE GOT MARRIED!? OZPIN, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"
"Get in line, Blondie," the huntsman, now known to her as Qrow, said with a grumble. "I have a few choice words for him."
Joan buried her head in her hands, feeling her heart thump rapidly in her chest. Her parents were not going to be happy with her and probably put her ass in a sling for the rest of her life. 'Oh no, oh no, oh no! I just turned eighteen! I can't get married yet! What the hell am I going to do!? What am I going to say to Mom and Dad!?'
She lifted her head from her hands and blushed again after she once again made eye contact with a very handsome albeit nude man in front of her. "C-can you please get dressed!?" She was just begging for something to go her way at this point.
"What?" Qrow looked down at himself and rubbed the back of his head with an awkward laugh. "Oh, right. That. Sure, let me just find my pants. Where are they again?"
"Real fucking smooth."
"Oh give me a break, will you? It ain't like I had intentions of waking up to this shit."
Joan hugged the blanket tighter around herself until all that was showing was her head poking out from the pile and she tried to keep her eyes from roaming.
"Now, where the hell are my goddamned pants?" he muttered irritably, digging through the pile of clothes while he was still nude. He eventually found them (annoyingly under Joan's skirt) and he let out an annoyed grumble before tugging them on, doing up his belt.
"There, is that better?" he asked sarcastically.
Joan's eyes looked up and down his chest, taking every bit of his toned body. She wouldn't deny that he was attractive; he was very easy on the eyes even with the messy stubble that grew on his jaw and unkempt hair.
'No! Bad brain!' she inwardly scolded. 'Now is not the time to be thinking about that! Even if he is good looking, he is a pervert!'
"Huh. So that's where we got married?" Qrow was looking at another copy of the marriage certificate. "Eh, I've had worse reasons to go there."
"Where did we do it?"
"Apparently we did it in the middle of the Vale Police Station."
If Joan was drinking anything, she was sure that she would have spit it out as fast as she could. "WHAT!? Are you fucking kidding me!?"
She didn't think it could get much worse now. First, she discovered she had drunken sex with someone she didn't even know. But finding out they also got married in front of a police station of all places? Yep, she was definitely in some sort of hell now. A hell she couldn't escape from.
Joan buried her head in her hands and let out a quiet sob. Her life was now ruined all thanks to a stupid mistake she made while in a state of severe intoxication. She didn't know what to do with herself now.
All she knew was that she was royally fucked and she didn't know what she was gonna do. Apart from buying a pregnancy test as soon as she possibly could. She didn't want to get pregnant off of a drunken mistake. It would ruin her dream of becoming a huntress and following in her father's footsteps.
With Qrow now mostly dressed she glared at him and motioned to her clothes. "C-can you at least leave so I can get dressed?"
She felt her clothes smack her in the face and she removed them to glare at the huntsman. "Don't. I'm in no mood for jokes right now."
Qrow merely scoffed and left the room, muttering something under his breath.
The blonde knight made sure the door was closed before she took the covers off and got dressed. The smell of sex and alcohol lingered in her nose and she grimaced as she pulled on her skirt and underwear. She would definitely need to do laundry when she got back to Beacon. If she could get back; she had no idea where the hell she was and Vale was still not a city she was all too familiar with. It was nothing like Ansel.
She finished pulling her shirt over her head when she heard a knock on the door. "Oi, hurry it up in there, Blondie. We have too much shit to do and don't have time sitting around here moping."
"Can't a girl have some goddamned privacy!?" she yelled indignantly. By Oum this man was going to give her a migraine.
"Oh just hurry up already," Qrow grumbled. "I need to find my damn scroll so I can yell at Ozpin for getting us stuck in this predicament."
He did have a point there. Right now, Joan really wanted to give the headmaster a piece of her mind for getting her in this shitty spot. 'I'm gonna wring his damn neck if I get the chance. What the hell was he even thinking, allowing a student to get married!?'
She really didn't see how things could get any worse. She was married to someone she didn't know, had drunk sex, and had no idea where she was.
Qrow walked in once she was finished getting dressed and looked down at the bed. "I found our scrolls. And just when I thought shit couldn't get any worse, it did."
"Why?"
"Look."
Qrow pointed and there were their scrolls, sticky with an assortment of bodily fluids. "That's why."
Joan sank to her knees and groaned. Scrolls weren't cheap by any means and it would take quite a few lien to replace hers. She doubted cleaning it was an option.
She wanted to yell at Qrow and tell him it was all his fault she ended up in this mess, but she knew it wasn't. At least not entirely. She had a hand in it as well, getting drunk when she knew she didn't inherit her father's amazing alcohol tolerance. She was drunk after only one drink, whereas her father could chug liquor all day and only get a small buzz.
Still, she had an urge to slap the man for ruining her first time like that.
"If you want to hit me, go on ahead," he invited as if he could read her mind. "Won't change anything though."
Despite knowing that it wouldn't do anything but give her a bit of satisfaction, she was tempted to take him up on his offer. 'Can't believe the first time I have sex is like this. I had something much more romantic in my head.'
The blonde hung her head with a sigh and carefully picked out her scroll, looking at it in disgust. "Ugh. This smell is gonna be stuck in my nose for days."
"Could be worse." Qrow shrugged and wiped his off with a rag he found on the floor. "Could stink like beer and piss." If she weren't stuck in a living hell, she would have laughed at the thought.
Joan decided not to hit him and settled for giving him dirty looks for now. 'No point in it, as much as I want to. Ugh, this sucks!'
She kicked the ground with a grumble and looked at him. "So, what are we going to do?"
"First things first, we go to Ozpin and get some fucking answers." Qrow scowled at that bit. "Then we get this shit fixed. I ain't marrying a kid."
"The hell is that supposed to mean!?"
"Means I'm old enough to be your damn dad, Short Stack."
"What's with all the nicknames!? You can at least call me by name!" Joan snapped. "It's Joan! Short, sweet, rolls off the tongue nicely?"
"Eh, Short Stack is much easier for me to say." Qrow smirked and slicked his bangs back before he opened up his scroll, presumably to dial Ozpin and yell at him. He held it up to his ear and let it ring, however he got no answer. "What the hell are you doing, Ozpin? You're always awake at this hour…"
Joan looked at him and folded her arms. "Not answering probably because he knew he fucked up."
Little did she know that she was right. Partially.
Ozpin let out a groan of agony and lifted his head up from what felt like a giant soft pillow. "What the…what happened?"
He turned to his right and started to sweat nervously. "Um…hi?"
Next to him, completely naked and with an amused predatory glint in her dark eyes, laid his ex wife who had attempted to murder him on more than one occasion. "Hello, Ozma. Such an embarrassing spot to find yourself in."
"Oh fuck me."
"Already did that."
Ozpin reached for his cane to defend himself, only to find that his hands were completely tied to the bed and he was silently wishing he didn't agree to try out Port's new liquor as Salem mounted him with a husky purr.
"Don't think you're going anywhere anytime soon," Salem purred. "You and I have a lot of catching up to do."
Yep, today already sucked for the immortal headmaster.
Though secretly he did enjoy looking at Salem's ass again.
A/N: Oh yes Ozpin. You done fucked up lol. The idea of Salem and Ozma getting back together for nothing more than sex came to me when I was talking to a buddy and he was like, "What if everything's just a lie and secretly they have like some sort of fuckin' hate-fuck relationship?"
I decided to run with it. *continues building sin throne*
C. Strife#5371
