A/N: Hello all and welcome to chapter four. Figured it's been enough of a delay XD. But it's time to answer a very important question that has been asked. When does this story take place?

During the beginning of Volume 3, but more of an AU of it. So there will be a lot of fuckery involved. Especially since Yang and Ruby don't know Qrow is in town to watch the Vytal Festival.

Also, the change in username is to reflect my love of NieR Automata. Epic game and if you've got a PS4, I highly recommend it. Be prepared for a lot of heartbreak though.

December 17 edit: I edited this chapter to change up some shit, as some of you guys really had a point…

An Unlucky Drunken Marriage

Summary: Qrow just wanted to relax after a long time away on a mission. Celebrating by hitting the new nightclub that opened up seemed good in his mind. Too bad he ended up drunkenly marrying a cute blonde knight in the process.

*Confession*

Qrow was in his usual slouch when the door to Ozpin's office pinged, fully prepared to yell at the headmaster for the predicament he had gotten him into with a damn student. The huntsman was about to let out a stream of curses that would make a Mistrali pirate jealous when his jaw dropped to the ground at the sight in front of him. "What…what the hell…"

Ozpin was tied down to his desk and completely nude, but that wasn't the immediate problem. No, the goliath in the room was the evil queen of despair currently bouncing on Ozpin's manhood like it was the best feeling in the world. "H-ha~! Don't stop Ozma~!"

Qrow checked his pockets for his flask and was ever so grateful when his fingers brushed against the cold metal. He took it out, shook it to check its contents, and pulled off the cap to take a massive chug. 'Nope, nope, nope, nope, and nope. No way. Nada. Negative.'

He refused to believe that he was witnessing Ozpin and Salem having sex. 'Nope. I'm not drunk enough for this shit. Nope. I'm done.' To hell with yelling at the headmaster about marrying him to a student. He was too sober for this and planned on rectifying that.

Qrow turned around and started to make his way back to the elevator when he heard Ozpin call out. "U-um, Qrow? This isn't what it looks like, I swear!"

Qrow faced the headmaster with a scowl, folding his arms and trying not to look at Salem's bouncing breasts as she continued to ride Ozpin. "Really? Because it looks to me like you're having sex with our enemy. What was the one rule I told you?" 'Apart from cutting back on the coffee.'

"Um…is now really the time!? Kinda busy here…" Ozpin asked pleadingly, not bothering with struggling against the rope binding his hands together.

"Don't stick your dick in crazy." Qrow ignored him, stalking over to them with a hand on Harbinger's handle. "Now, give me one good reason why I shouldn't run her through right now?"

"Because I am enjoying my ex-husband? And he's enjoying me?" Salem asked dryly, her dark eyes narrowed. "And because it wouldn't amount to much. If I could be killed by such brutish methods, I'd have been dead centuries ago."

"Besides," she added, slamming her hips fully down on Ozpin and making both of them moan out. "Don't act like this is the strangest thing you've seen today. Or that you're not enjoying this."

Her hand reached out to scrape his stubble and he shivered, the temperature of the office seemingly dropping a few degrees. 'No, no, bad! This is Salem! Our enemy!'

'…and she's got a nice ass. Fuck I'm not drunk enough for this.'

Qrow looked at both immortal lovers and sighed, rubbing his temples. "And what's to stop you from murdering us like you've done countless times before? I'm not stupid. There has to be something you want." 'How the hell did she even end up in Vale without anyone noticing!? The entire city should've been in a panic!'

Now that he thought of it, Salem had every opportunity to summon a horde of Grimm and crush Beacon right now. So why the hell wasn't she? She could kill both of them and take the Relic of Choice very easily. He didn't know why she wasn't seizing the opportunity and he definitely did not like this one bit. His huntsman senses were screaming at him to leave and call James to bombard the tower with every airship he had at his disposal.

His dick though was singing a different tune and he cursed himself for it.

"You know, Qrow, you look like you could really use a break after last night's activities." Gods, he wanted to smack that shit eating smirk right off of Ozpin's face. He was enjoying this too, the bastard. "And I can assure you that Salem is more than willing right now." One look at Salem's blissful expression was enough to prove that.

"I…I can't deal with this right now." Qrow shook his head and shifted his pants so that Salem wouldn't notice the growing bulge. "This is ridiculous and would warrant my execution. Not to mention I'm married now thanks to you." Ozpin was not getting out of that one so easily.

"Oh, he told me all about that." Salem groaned out as Ozpin smacked his hips against her glorious rear. "A cute little thing by the name of Joan Arc."

"Shut up Salem." Qrow gritted his teeth. He did not want to be reminded of sleeping with a student. Again. James still wasn't pleased with him banging one of his fourth year students last year.

"Qrow. Look at me."

"I'd rather not. Not while you're naked."

"Qrow." Ozpin narrowed his eyes. "For the love of Oum. Get. Your. Ass. Over. Here."

If it weren't for the slightly murderous aura the headmaster was emitting, Qrow would've been a smartass and backed towards him with his rear end jutting out. But he decided that he actually valued his life somewhat and approached him, pinching his brow with a reluctant sigh. "I am not drunk enough for this, I swear…"

"Good." Ozpin's expression changed to that of a triumphant smirk and he looked at Salem. "Now enjoy yourself."

Qrow opened his mouth to snap out with a nasty remark, but his mouth was soon bombarded by Salem's. His body froze and his eyes widened in both horror and shock. He was a huntsman, a hero supposed to help people, and here he was making out with the Queen of Grimm.

James would kill him if word of this got out. 'Well then, you best be sure that this doesn't get out.'

He hated it when his dick did the talking instead of his brain. Not that it could do much with the amount of alcohol he consumed on a daily basis, but still. He did not want to talk with his dick.

And right now, it was talking very, very loudly. His pants became tight and uncomfortable and he let out a grumble that Salem probably took as a moan. The dark goddess reached down to grip his hardening manhood and he groaned out.

"A-aren't you two supposed to, you know, hate each other?" The possibility of him getting out of this was nonexistent now. Salem had him. Still, it couldn't hurt to try. Maybe his semblance would kick in.

"True." Salem shrugged. "However I found over time, Ozpin was right about a lot of things. I just didn't want to admit it then for I was still angry at the Gods. But now? Now, he and I have…come to an understanding of sorts."

"And that is…?"

"The Gods can go fuck themselves. They're assholes."

Qrow pinched his brow. Real smooth. "Thank you, Ozpin. May I remind you that I am married and this is technically wrong? On more levels than I can be bothered to list?"

"This doesn't seem to agree with you." Salem smirked and her grip on his firm length got a tad bit tighter. "Besides, it's not like you actually have a relationship with the girl."

"Apart from getting drunk and marrying her, of course," Ozpin added cheekily.

"Ozpin, do not help her." Qrow facepalmed. "And that is another thing I want to yell at you about. Why the hell did you let us get married?"

"Um…" Ozpin gave him a nervous chuckle. "Salem? A little help?"

"Oh no. You're completely on your own with this one." Salem smirked and continued to enjoy her ex husband. "So, Drunk Bird—"

"It's Qrow." He gritted his teeth. "Bitch."

"Asshole," Ozpin muttered.

"Shut up Ozpin." Qrow glared at him. "Explain. NOW."

"Um…I was drunk?" Ozpin tried.

Qrow looked at his weapon and back at Ozpin. Weapon, Ozpin. He sighed and walked back towards the elevator. "Call me when you're done. I'm hitting the fucking bar."

'I am seriously not drunk enough for this. Hopefully Joan has it better.'


When Joan woke up, the first thing she remembered doing was crawling over to the bathroom to once again release the contents of her stomach. The second?

The second thing was the regret of listening to Nora. Let's go to a nightclub, she said. It'll be fun, she claimed.

Yeah, riiiiiiight. Note to self, don't ever listen to Nora again.

Joan groaned and stood up on wobbly knees, clutching the sink for support to prevent from once again falling over. Her hair was a matted mess and she stumbled out of the bathroom to greet both Ren and Nora. "H-hey guys…"

"Ah, hello there Joan," Ren replied cheerfully. "Have a good rest?"

"Somewhat. Still feel like shit though," the blonde answered, rubbing her forehead to hopefully ease away her headache. "What I wouldn't do for a bottle of painkillers and a hot bath right now."

"I have some left. Take only two of them," Ren warned, handing her a small bottle of pills. "Pyrrha's on her way too and should be here in any minute."

Joan groaned at the thought of having to deal with the lecture her partner was sure to give her for this. She hadn't even told everyone the bad news of her getting drunkenly married yet. She winced; she could feel the swats on the back of her head by both Pyrrha and Nora. Not only that, but she wasn't even sure if she could get a divorce. 'Definitely not how I planned on spending my time at Beacon. If one told me I'd get married to some drunken excuse of a huntsman, I'd have smacked them.'

Hell, she still wanted to smack Qrow even though it wouldn't change a damn thing. 'Goddammit this sucks.'

Joan opened the bottle and popped two of the red pills into her mouth, swallowing them easily. Her aura was active and trying to reduce the pain she was in, and she was thankful for having such massive reserves of it. She probably had more than anyone else in their year, being able to tank hits that would floor even Nora.

She stood up straighter and rubbed her headache with a sigh when she heard another door open. "Ah shit." 'And that's Pyrrha here. She is going to have my ass in a sling now.'

Her partner was standing across the kitchen from her, her hair slightly disheveled and a few splotches of lipstick on her neck. Joan gave a nervous laugh and waved half heartedly. "Um, hey?"

Pyrrha closed the distance in two bounds and wrapped the blonde in a bone crushing hug, making her squeak. "Gods, I was worried about you! Where were you last night!?"

Joan tapped her partner's arm, her face changing color from the lack of oxygen. "A-air!"

"O-oh! Sorry!" Pyrrha let her go and Joan gasped for breath, panting heavily.

Joan took a seat at the kitchen table and put her head in her hands. "Ugh…where do I even start explaining what happened? So, I'm sure you guys all remember that guy I was dancing with, right?"

Three nods confirmed yes.

"Well, I don't remember much else," she confessed. "When I came to, I was in a hotel room with him naked and this new piece of jewelry to go along with a marriage certificate." She showed off the wedding ring that now adorned her finger.

"So how was he in bed?" Nora asked after an awkward silence that felt a lot longer than ten seconds.

"Nora!" Joan and Pyrrha shouted at the same time, the blonde glowering at her. "This is serious! How the hell can I expect to continue to train as a huntress!? I'm now married to some huntsman!"

"What's his name?" Pyrrha asked. "Chances are someone will know who he is."

"Qrow. Qrow Branwen."

Nora's smirk grew wider and Ren facepalmed. Joan started to sweat a little at their reactions and could tell that this was not good news for her. "W-what's with those looks?"

"Joan…do you not know who that is?" Ren asked. "He's one of the world's most elite huntsmen. Every kingdom knows who he is. And…"

"What?"

"He's Ruby and Yang's uncle."

Joan's eyes widened in horror as the realization sunk in and she slumped down in her seat until her head was barely poking above it. "Y-you mean…I'm…?"

"Yep. Not only did you drunkenly marry one of the best huntsmen in the world, but you are now Ruby and Yang's new aunt. Congratulations." Ren took a sip of tea to hide his smirk while Pyrrha blushed.

Joan promptly fell on the ground with a groan. 'Why? Why the hell did it have to be me!? I swear if those two hear about this, I'll never hear the end of it.'

She got back up with assistance from Pyrrha and dusted herself off, taking a breath. Okay, things looked like shit, but she was team leader for a reason. She could handle it. "Right. Two things. One; what was said does not leave the four of us. I do not need to hear the teasing from Ruby and Yang."

"And the second thing?" Ren asked.

"Nora, you're banned from pancakes for a month." Joan glared at the bubbly hammer wielder.

"NOOOOOO!"

"And I'm never listening to your suggestions for a team bonding exercise again."

Well…it was a start, at least. She hoped Ozpin was getting chewed out by Qrow for landing them in this predicament.

A/N: And so ends this chapter. Will Ruby and Yang find out about their new aunt? Yes. Oh yes. Most definitely. This wouldn't be any fun if I didn't have them find out XD See you all again soon!

A Lovestruck A2#5371