A/N: Hello all and welcome to chapter seven! I am trying to be a little more consistent with this one (which is a goddamn shock, I know XD), especially with me putting a few fics on hold until a couple are finished or reach a point where I can put it on hold without worrying their respective audiences.
An Unlucky Drunken Marriage
Summary: Qrow just wanted to relax after a long time away on a mission. Celebrating by hitting the new nightclub that opened up seemed good in his mind. Too bad he ended up drunkenly marrying a cute blonde knight in the process.
*New Aunt!?*
So far today, things hadn't been a total disaster at Beacon for Joan and Team JNPR. Sure, there was the issue of having her husband as a temporary teacher, but that wasn't too big of a problem. No, throwing a newspaper at him while he laughed and called her cute nicknames did not mean they were flirting. Shut up Nora.
Plus, it was nice to see Qrow get away with making sarcastic comments and quips at Cardin. Jackass never did like her from the moment they laid eyes on each other. He was an asshole through and through. So he did technically deserve every single remark thrown at him. Besides, she was pretty sure even his own team disliked him occasionally. The only one who wasn't a total ass was Russell, though that was mainly due to him obsessing over his hair. He paid more attention to it than he did his classes.
Joan picked at her food, not feeling too hungry, and she was tuning out the conversation between Pyrrha and Team RWBY. There was too much for her to think about. Mainly, her getting her head around the fact that she was now Ruby and Yang's new aunt despite being the same goddamn age. Curse the legal system.
Actually, curse Ozpin for allowing them to marry in the first place. Seriously, what the hell was he thinking allowing one of his own students to marry someone easily twice her age? Or perhaps even older? 'I mean, it's not like he's a bad looking guy or anything. In fact, Mom probably would've attempted to snag him for herself if she was single. And now I'm purging that thought. Blegh.'
"Hey, Joan? Remnant to Joan?" Nora waved her hand in front of her face and the blonde blinked.
"Oh crap, sorry. What were you guys talking about?" she asked.
Nora wore a devilish smirk on her face and Joan shuddered. "Oh no…please do not—"
"So Yang, how are you liking your new aunt!?" Nora exclaimed. Ren facepalmed and Joan let out a groan, slamming her head onto the table and drawing a few snickers from some of the other students in the cafeteria.
"Goddammit Nora." The blonde thumped her head on the table a few times to make sure she wasn't dreaming some horrible nightmare. Nope, she wasn't that lucky. She'd had preferred waking up screaming bloody murder instead of dealing with the surprised squawks from Team RWBY.
"WHAT!?" Weiss spat out her drink.
"UNCLE QROW IS MARRIED!?" Ruby shrieked.
"Qrow got married!?" Yang raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Bullshit!"
"That drunk's your uncle!?" Blake lifted her head from her smut book.
Ruby bounced in her seat, eyes wide in excitement. "Ah! Who's the lucky woman who married my awesome uncle!?"
Ren, Nora, and Pyrrha all stared at Joan.
The blonde knight lifted her head and sighed in exasperation. "Traitors."
"Wait, seriously!?" Weiss scowled and glared at Joan, who shrank away under the heiress's accusing stare. "You're married to him!? When!? How!?"
"Do you want the long version or the short version?" Joan asked weakly, wishing she could disappear. Goddamn this was so embarrassing. She didn't think it would take this quickly for Team RWBY to find out about her secret.
"Short please. And spare us the part of you two procreating." Weiss rolled her eyes. "I do not want to hear that, thank you very much."
Joan sighed and opened her mouth to start explaining how when Ruby practically leapt across the table and into her lap, knocking her out of her seat. "AH! Joan's our new aunt! But she's the same age as us!"
"Ruby. Get. Off," Joan mumbled from underneath the scythe wielder.
Ruby leapt off of her with her silver eyes wide and waiting to hear the inevitably scandalous tale and Joan got back on her seat. "Okay…well you know how we went to that new nightclub that opened up on the other side of Vale?"
"Devil May Cry? Yeah I know about it." Yang nodded with a smirk. "Picked up a really hot monkey Faunus last time I was there. Had a damn good set of abs."
"Shut up Yang," Weiss and Blake chorused. They were used to this song and dance from the busty brawler. "Let her explain."
"Well…I took a seat next to Qrow. Mind you I had no idea who he was at the time. We were both having a few drinks when one of us asked the other for a dance. I don't really remember anything after that. Next thing I know, I wake up with his ass in my face," Joan answered, her face red as she recalled just how toned of a rear end the huntsman had.
"Pfffft!" Weiss spat out her drink again, spraying Nora and Joan again. "You got drunkenly married!?"
"What do you want from me, a fucking poem?" Joan snapped back. "That's all I can remember and I'm sparing the other parts I'd really not want to think about!" 'He did have a nice ass now that I think about it.. Definitely top notch.'
'NO! Bad brain! Do not think about that!'
"So…who even married you guys?" Blake asked curiously. "I thought Vale had a set of laws in place to prohibit that."
"Ozpin…" Joan answered with a huff of embarrassment. "He apparently has a massive pull on the Vale Council and that means he can get away with anything short of starting a war. His influence in the Kingdom is currently preventing me and Qrow from being charged with public intoxication and criminal mischief since we apparently broke into a jewelry store and made out in front of the Vale Police Department." She still called bullshit on the headlines in the newspaper.
"…you're telling me our esteemed headmaster actually let a huntsman and one of his students get married to each other?" Yang scoffed. "No fucking way."
"Do I have to get Qrow here to verify this?"
"…yes. Because I'm seriously calling bullshit."
"No need to, Firecracker." Qrow had appeared out of nowhere as usual, sipping a cup of coffee. "Every last word that Blondie just said is true."
"Uncle Qrow!" Ruby tackled him to the ground and he fell with a loud 'Oof!'. "Oh it's so nice to see you! So Joan's really our aunt!?"
"Yep." Qrow got off the ground, wincing a little. "Though I certainly wish the circumstances were a little better. I blame Ozpin for that."
"Will Professor Branwen please report to the headmaster's office immediately? Thank you. Bzzt."
…
"You totally had that one coming," Yang said with a snort.
"Shut up Yang." Qrow let out an annoyed huff and went back into his usual slouch, hands in his pockets. "Better go see what I'm in trouble for this time. Catch you later Firecracker, Blondie."
"Will you stop calling me that!?" Joan flushed red. "People are going to gossip!" 'Not any more than they usually do, but still! I don't want to walk around the hallways and here everyone gossiping about how I'm married to one of our current professors. The school would go nuts, Mom and Dad would come up here demanding his head, and Saph…well, she'd probably attempt to murder me for not introducing her first.'
She did know one thing. She sure as hell did not envy Qrow right now.
Qrow sighed as he stood in the elevator that led to the headmaster's office, tapping his foot as the small metal box slowly made its way up the shaft. 'For hell's sake, I haven't even done anything irresponsible yet and already you're calling me up to lecture me about something that I didn't have a lot of say in. Goddammit Ozpin. Why the hell is this always the case?'
He had wondered how both of his nieces would take the knowledge that he was now married to one of their own friends and to his surprise they took it rather well. Yang of course denied it until he said something, but she was no doubt giving Joan a nice lecture on how if she broke his heart, Yang and Ruby would kill her in a whole assortment of unimaginable and horrible ways. Ruby probably took it the best. She seemed excited about having a new aunt.
The doors pinged open and Qrow was greeted by Ozpin. The headmaster was thankfully clothed this time around and he sat at his desk, hands folded and he tilted his glasses down to look at the huntsman. "Qrow. How nice of you to join me. Care for a cup of coffee?"
"Sure." Qrow shrugged and went over to pour himself a cup. Judging by the hazelnut smell, it was the brand that Ozpin often drank in order to deal with the massive amounts of chaos that Beacon caused. 'Smells nice.'
He poured a little bit of milk from the mini fridge and gave it a swirl with his finger to mix it before he raised it to his lips. "Ah. That's what I needed. So, what are you calling me up here for? Did Autumn die? You want to lecture me about something I haven't even done yet?"
"No." Ozpin shook his head. "I wanted to discuss some very important news with you, shared to me by Salem. She has told me that Leonardo Lionheart is in fact not on our side and helping some of Salem's former accomplices sneak into Beacon."
"Pfft!" Qrow promptly spat out his coffee. "WHAT!?"
"I've already secured General Ironwood's permission to utilize his forces and take them into custody." Ozpin took a sip from his own steaming mug. "You may not believe it, seeing as it goes against nearly everything I've told you, but Salem no longer expresses a desire to see humanity destroyed. We've…come to an understanding of sorts."
"…you mean you've been having tons of sex to make up for what you've been unable to have." Qrow narrowed his eyes and pointed to the headmaster's desk, eyebrow twitching. "She's under there, isn't she?"
"My, full of accusations today." The immortal headmaster smirked. "What gives you that impression, old friend?"
"Oz…do not lie to me." Qrow facepalmed. "Salem is hiding under there and there's no way in hell you have pants on." 'I do not get paid enough for this, even with the pay raise Ozpin offered me when I took Port's position.'
"I neither deny nor confess to those claims." Ozpin sipped from his mug with a smug smirk on his face. "However, this does leave us with a bit of a problem. I doubt that these individuals are working on their own and they have some sort of outside help apart from Leo. However, since we are in a time of peace, I cannot simply barge down Haven's doors and arrest Leo as tempting as that may be."
"What are you suggesting?" Qrow folded his arms.
"What I'm suggesting is that I would not object to Leo succumbing to an unfortunate accident based on one individual's semblance." Ozpin chuckled. "Or, I could go for a slightly more…direct approach of disposing him. Salem does in fact have a Seeker stationed in his office and we both know what they are capable of. I seem to remember Raven having an odd fascination with their appendages."
"Do not remind me." Qrow rubbed his face with a groan. If he didn't hear the words, "Use your tentacles more!" ever again it would be too soon.
"Do as you wish." He shrugged, ignoring Ozpin's laughter. "I for one am not interested in your complicated love life. Just stop sticking your dick in crazy."
"Salem's not crazy."
"She wanted to kill all of us!"
"She's got a great ass," Ozpin objected. "Now you are free to go back to teaching your class. Nice to see your nieces don't seem to mind you having a wife."
Qrow had turned to leave when Ozpin said something else to him. "Oh, and Qrow?"
"What…?"
"Joan got a rather nice view of your backside, didn't she? I noticed in her class with Glynda that she had a rather dreamy expression on her face."
Ozpin didn't even get annoyed when his coffee mug just burst into flames.
A/N: And that's all for now. Do I plan on more for this fic? Oh yes. This is the replacement fic for A Drunken Marriage to Schneeze At after all and I aim on being a little more consistent with its updates. Though this one will actually have somewhat of a plot. Unusual in my RWBY works I've noticed…I usually just want an excuse to write filthy smut XD
A Lovestruck A2#5371
