A/N: Hello people and welcome to chapter eight. This may be a dumb humor fic that isn't meant to be taken seriously in the slightest, but I still am surprised the FNDM hasn't attempted to murder me for this heresy XD
An Unlucky Drunken Marriage
Summary: Qrow just wanted to relax after a long time away on a mission. Celebrating by hitting the new nightclub that opened up seemed good in his mind. Too bad he ended up drunkenly marrying a cute blonde knight in the process.
*Fire*
If there was one thing about Beacon that Salem didn't not understand, it was how there seemed to be a random fire pretty much every day. On Monday, a fire broke out because Team CRDL had accidentally hit one of their own fire dust crystals. Tuesday, it was that young redhead girl going on about heretical filth needing to be purged. That poor cat Faunus was still sobbing about her books.
Today was Wednesday and in between having filthy sex and helping Ozpin find ways to screw over the gods that cursed them, she didn't understand how a fire could possibly break out. It was just impossible! Even while she was hiding under his desk giving the headmaster the best blowjob he had ever gotten while he talked to Qrow.
Damn, that cute blonde he ended up married to was rather lucky. If she was single, Salem herself wouldn't mind trying to end up in Qrow's lap. The man was good looking. Or somehow find a way to bed Joan. She wasn't too picky after who knows how many centuries of not getting any.
Qrow had left after Ozpin had teased him about Joan getting a nice look at his ass and Salem lifted her head up to see that Ozpin's coffee mug had burst into flames. "How…?" She wiped a bit of saliva from her mouth, catching her breath from her work.
"I have no idea. I literally only just poured this fifteen minutes ago," he said earnestly. "Beacon, I swear…"
"Sounds like you have a lot of pent up stress, dear," Salem purred. "By the way, is the Council still trying to get you to hand over those two for their actions?"
"Oh yes." Ozpin nodded, using his magic to douse the flames before Glynda came in and had an aneurysm. Goodwitch? Ha, more like Good bitch. She was so proud of that little joke.
"What did you tell them?" Salem asked.
"I kindly told them to fuck off." Ozpin smirked triumphantly and took a sip of his coffee. "No doubt they are unpleased with my response, but I simply feel it is wrong to imprison them for that. All they really did was spread some very nice merriment around and indulge in some fun activities."
Salem chuckled and went back to the task at hand. Poor Ozpin. Not getting laid in who knows how long really did a number on him. She had at least eased some of the pent up stress that she admittedly did cause trying to find new ways to murder him, but there was still plenty to get rid of.
"Now now, move that tongue over a little. Ah, right there…" The headmaster let out a groan of content and eased back in his chair, whistling a cheerful tune as he continued to sip his coffee while receiving oral pleasure. "Hmm, I wonder what James is currently up to."
Smug bastard.
"So, do Joan's parents know of her union?" Salem asked, her voice muffled by the length in her mouth.
Ozpin responded by pulling out of her mouth and slapping the tip of his manhood on her forehead.
"Huh…guess not."
Back to stress relief time.
Qrow stared dumbfounded at the scene before him. He knew that Beacon was chaotic on the best of days between the students constantly trying to either use their semblances in the hallways for dumb shit or doing what hormonal teenagers did, but this? This was just ridiculous.
He sipped his coffee and let out a sigh of 'Oh goddammit', watching as Team RWBY and Team JNPR tried to desperately put out the fire that had erupted in his classroom. Well technically it was Port's, but for the time being he was using it. It still counted in his mind.
"I didn't know drapes were flammable!" Weiss protested, pouring what Qrow hoped was water on the flames.
"They've always been fucking flammable!" Joan groaned in despair and looked like she was two minutes from leaving to live the rest of her life in a cave away from everyone. "What the hell were you thinking using fire dust around them!?"
The flames grew larger in response.
"I didn't think this would happen!" Weiss snapped.
"You didn't think, no fucking shit," Yang grumbled, dumping another bucket of water onto the fire in a vain attempt to keep it from getting any bigger.
Spoiler. It didn't work.
"How can you be so smart when it comes to classes but have no ounce of common sense?" Joan added on, heaving a third bucket of water onto the inferno. "And I'm the one you called a dolt? Seriously? After this, I think you take the whole goddamn kingdom, Ice Queen."
Qrow put down his coffee mug with a sigh and picked up the nearest fire extinguisher, walking over to the students and dousing it effortlessly. Both teams stopped bickering and looked at the teacher, who was not amused by half of his classroom being set on fire.
"So, care to tell me why the eight of you are in my classroom during a free period?" he asked dryly. "And please refrain from insulting each other. As amusing as it is, my class was still on fire twenty seconds ago."
"Well…" Joan let out a nervous laugh. "Do you want the long version or the short version?"
"Short, please. I don't need any more headaches for the day, thank you." Qrow rolled his eyes.
Joan looked at Weiss and the heiress looked down in shame. "It was my fault, professor. I wanted to test out some new dust I had received and figured this would be the best place due to it being empty. When practicing my glyphs I bumped into Pyrrha and set the drapes on fire. I didn't think it would happen."
'Christ. How much did Yang have to pay you to say that? Didn't think a Schnee would ever apologize.' Qrow pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Consider yourself lucky I am not in the mood to hand out punishment for setting fire to my classroom. Now get out of here before I change my mind."
"You're changing your mind? And you think the new one will be any better?"
"Yang, five laps around Beacon."
"Oh come on!" Yang groaned. "What did I do?"
"Insult my husband, for one," Joan pointed out dryly. "Who also happens to be a professor here."
"Part time." Yang grumbled and kicked the floor as if it insulted her.
"Details are unimportant." Joan folded her arms and stared the brawler down, refusing to budge. Qrow was impressed. Not many could stare down his niece like that unless they had a death wish or were too dumb to know any better.
Yang growled and glared accusingly at Qrow for several seconds. "Somehow this is your fault. Why is she all of a sudden the queen of sarcasm?"
"Some things are just hardwired," Qrow answered with a shrug. "Trust me; I had nothing to do with corrupting Blondie over there." He ignored the protest of 'Hey!' from the knight in particular and folded his arms. "Now come on, let's get those sprints done. Quicker you finish them, the quicker you can return to teasing your partner about her horrible taste in literature." He took pleasure in seeing the girl in particular blush furiously.
One of the worst kept secrets ever was that the emo cat Faunus had terrible taste in books. Almost all of them were porn with somewhat of a plot. He wasn't surprised when Yang gave him the message that Ruby went on some sort of crusade with a flamethrower declaring that all the heretical filth must be purged in the name of the Emperor. He couldn't blame her. There was no time for heresy in the world. He'd have been less surprised if Ruby didn't go on a fiery crusade.
"Qrow, can I talk to you for a moment?" Joan asked.
"Sure. What's on your mind?" He picked up his coffee again and took a much needed sip. Good Oum Beacon was already beginning to drive him insane and he had only been teaching for about two days now, give or take. He understood Glynda's pain now. Poor woman, having to deal with this and Ozpin's bullshit. He refused to believe Glynda approved of Ozpin's idea of launching students off a cliff as initiation. Just…no.
"Can it be alone, please?" She gave her teammates and friends uneasy glances. Sure they kind of gotten over the fact that she was now married to one of the best huntsmen in all of Remnant, but he could understand wanting to be cautious about it. Rumors in Beacon spread faster than the damned flu.
"Go get 'em Uncle Qrow!" Ruby cheered.
"RUBY!" Joan's face lit up bright red. "No! Bad idea! Stop reading Blake's books!"
"Dunno, sounds like a good idea to me~," Pinky sang. "Be sure to send pictures~!"
"Shut up Nora!" Joan scowled. "Ren, take away her pancake license for the next three months."
"Sure." Ninja Kid yawned in boredom. He didn't seem to give a single fuck about it which was admirable in a sense. Sometimes, you just have to not give a shit. Qrow respected that. Seeing them interact was a lot like the good old days in Team STRQ. The constant trouble they got into, messing around with Team FLME and FLWR, competing in the tournament…good times.
Too bad Raven had to go and fuck it all up. Rotten bitch.
Qrow sighed and nodded. "Sure thing Blondie. Come on; I know a spot where we won't be disturbed or found."
"Bow chicka bow wow." Yang smirked, stretching as she got ready for her laps around Beacon.
"Shut up Yang." Qrow was putting in a request for a pay raise after this. He was not paid enough for the headaches he now had to deal with. Damn you Ozpin.
Ignoring the teasing wolf whistles from his niece and Pinky he and Joan left the classroom behind, hoping to the Brother Gods that they would be left the hell alone and wouldn't have to deal with any more bullshit today. Too early in the day and he was really hating Ozpin's statement about him having to be somewhat sober around the students while the headmaster was allowed to literally stick his dick in pure evil.
Qrow led his wife through the many corridors of Beacon until they reached the rooftop and the blonde looked down at the fall. "Um, Qrow? I know that I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around this whole mess we're in, but I'm not that depressed. Jeez."
"Har har." Qrow rolled his eyes and leaned against the door. "You asked me to lead you somewhere nice and quiet so I did. What did you want to ask of me anyway?"
"It's…well, you know I'm not exactly the greatest fighter," she admitted. "I kind of get my ass kicked every time in Goodwitch's class. So could you…I dunno, teach me? To be a better fighter?"
Qrow frowned. He had watched the tapes from Goodwitch's sparring class every chance he could, mostly during his free time. She wasn't wrong; she really was not good. Still, he could work with that. Even if she didn't have a semblance that he noticed.
He walked over to her and pushed her to the ground with one easy shove.
"H-hey! What was that for!?" Joan glared at him.
"Your feet are too close together, Blondie." Qrow smirked. "Try spreading them a little further apart."
…
"Bow chicka bow wow?" Joan tried.
Qrow groaned. "You are spending way too much time around Yang."
Still. Could be worse.
At least his newest protégée wouldn't attempt to beg cookies out of him.
A/N: A nice little quickie. *Bow chicka bow wow* Sorry, sorry, been watching way too much RvB lately XD. I'm not sorry. See you!
A Lovestruck A2#5371
