Disclaimer: Star Ocean doesn't belong to me. I couldn't even think of a witty disclaimer to tell you that today.
Date Posted: January 8, 2006 (The first chapter of the new year!)
Author's Note: Ah, yes. The tragedy continues. What shall poor Fayt do after Albel's tragic little incident? You probably don't want to hear me ramble about it, so read on.
Chapter 6: Regrets
Running, running, running. Fayt ran harder and faster then ever before, determined to get away from that horrible place. Albel's dead. Sophia's man stabbed him. He saw the scene replayed in his mind, running faster as he did. He had to get away. They'll come after me next. Sophia will take me back, because I'm not brave enough to shoot her.
The pain of losing Albel was greater then he had ever imagined any pain to be. There was a gaping hole inside of him, ripping open wider and wider, consuming his whole being with an endless pain. It was like falling down a hole with no end, just falling and falling, with nothing to save him. Albel had always been the one to save Fayt, and nothing could save him from the pain of Albel's death.
"Albel!" Fayt screamed into the storm, tears blending with the heavy rain on his face. He finally stopped to breathe, hanging his head and panting. He watched the fat drops of rain slide down his blue hair and splatter on the muddy ground. Where am I going? What am I gonna do with me life? I'm all alone… Lifting his head, Fayt examined his surroundings. The city lay behind him, he had outrun the endless buildings. This damn city….I'm finally out of it.
He looked ahead, wondering where he would end up. Wait…this city is on a cliff. If I keep running, just a little further…Can I end this? Fayt squinted past the rain, into the distance and sure enough, he could faintly see a cliff. He smiled and straightened himself, heading off towards the ledge.
Of course, Albel's coat was filled with weapons, and perhaps even a few poisons, which would have killed Fayt just as effectively. But he didn't want to end his own life with the things that had run his dead lover's. He was always off killing people. Always got back late. Not that it was his fault. He kept me safe, always, so safe. Hell, I was always back in the hotel sleeping while he was out killing, in danger, being shot at all the time.
At first it had been hard on Fayt, though. He remembered spending the long nights alone until Albel returned, worrying and wondering and pacing the room. Every night when Albel would leave, Fayt would try to act calm, watching the seconds tick by slowly, trying not to think of all the horrible things that could happen to Albel. And when Albel would come back, unhurt and covered in someone else's blood, Fayt would run to him and hug him tightly, silently wishing he would never go out again.
It was the times Albel was hurt that Fayt hated most. He would enter the room, covered in both his blood and the blood of another, and Fayt would run to him, asking if he was ok. Albel never acted hurt, he merely treated his own wounds, assuring Fayt he was fine. Those times especially, Fayt would wish Albel didn't have to do what he did. But if he stopped, if he tried to live a normal life, he would only he thrown in prison for a lifetime, or given the death penalty. And that would hurt more than seeing Albel in pain, or knowing Albel could be hurt.
Still, Albel always managed to keep both of us safe. Nobody will ever give him credit for it, but he did save at least one life, despite all the lives he took. And now he's dead, and it's my turn to die, too.
A cold breeze blew rain into Fayt's face as he marched on, remembering Albel. We never had enough time together, not even when we were younger. We could have had so much more…All the things we never did. He would have killed more people, but it would have been worth it to me. Maybe after living with Albel so long, human lives mean less to me. I guess it's a good thing. Then again, if lives really meant nothing to me, I wouldn't be crying over Albel's death.
Fayt's thoughts were disrupted by a loud clap of thunder. He turned his face upward towards the sky. "Still storming…" He decided it added to the drama of the moment and walked on, ignoring it. Lightening occasionally lit up the entire area, showing him how close he was to the cliff.
I wonder what Albel would think of this...my jumping off a cliff. Fayt felt guilty for a moment. He wouldn't like it. Albel always wanted what was best for me. So selfless. No one else will ever give him credit for that either. Everyone only sees the evil serial killer. If they could all know Albel like I did, they would understand why he did the things he did. Is it really his fault he wanted to keep me safe? I think few people would have the courage to do all that he did for one person in his situation. And how great it was to be that one person…
Did I teach Albel to love? I don't ever remember him talking about loving anyone else. Lusting after, sure, but loving? Never. Fayt smiled, a very small, pained smile. It might seem uncharacteristic of Albel, but love came easily enough to him. He was different than most were in love- he was more possessive. Fayt was his, and anyone else who touched him regretted it. I'm still yours, Albel. I belong to you, completely. Whether you're alive or not doesn't matter, you learned to love, and I'm sure you still know how. You had some good in you, buried deep underneath the killing and the violence and the hatred, hidden so no one else would ever find it.
Fayt kicked a rock, pondering Albel's life further. You know, it really wasn't his fault he did all the things he did. Nobody ever taught Albel how to do anything in a non-violent way. We only do what we are taught, what is instilled in our minds when we're children. He fought to get everything he had, and fought to keep it. I think that's fair, more fair then the rest of the world, even. Someone like Sophia wouldn't last a day in Albel's life. Albel's life…that's over now, isn't it? He never realized how well he lived. I don't know if he knew, before he died, how much I needed him. And how much I still need him.
"But all that is over now, isn't it?" Fayt remarked to himself. "I can want him, need him, all I want and he's not coming back. Albel…I can't live without you…"
He stopped walking, closing his eyes. He could picture Albel's face, a million different memories of Albel- shooting down Sophia's men the day Fayt was captured, kissing away everything bad, comforting Fayt every night, protecting him from the rest of the world… All of them held the same feeling he longed for now- safety. The safety that only comes from being in the arms of someone who's not afraid to take as many lives as he needs to. Everything was ok with Albel around. Albel was his own anti-hero, Albel wouldn't let him down. And he never did let me down. His death was only so I would be ok. He just wanted what was best for me… that was his weakness. I was Albel's deadly weakness.
"Does that mean this is all my fault? I only weakened Albel and I knew it, but I stuck with him, right until the very end. I wonder…could I have left him?" If I did, would he be ok? Maybe as he was my weakness and strength, and I was his. Without him, I can't survive, yet with him I only gave him a weakness- love.
"It's all so complicated," Fayt whispered to himself, "But I know I loved him. What really matters is he's dead, and I'm going to follow him to the grave. So very complicated. Maybe without Sophia, this wouldn't have happened. She didn't know how much she toyed with out very lives, creating a love this sick love triangle, this lethal triangle…" He sighed, blinking away more tears. "She doesn't care how many people she kills. As long as she doesn't do it directly, it's not murder. I wonder what her precious public would think if they knew."
"The public," a new voice said, "will never know about any of this."
Fayt spun around to face the speaker. He found a tall man, obviously Japanese, wearing one of Sophia's red suits. "No, it seems they won't."
The man stepped closer. "Do you know why they won't?"
Fayt summoned up the courage to smile at the man. "Because I'm going to meet Albel now, and neither of us will be able to speak of this."
The Japanese man spat on the ground and laughed. "Albel is dead. Didn't you see, he was stabbed? You can't go meet him, unless you intend on joining him in hell."
"That would be more than I could hope for. I would be glad to spend an eternity in your made-up hell just to be with him instead of what I'm going to get. I'll never see him again."
The man frowned. "You plan on dying, then?"
"Yeah. There's a cliff over there." Just leave me alone so I can get on with my plan. I don't need Sophia's men screwing this up.
The servant raised an eyebrow and laughed lightly. "How romantic. Albel is murdered and his lover leaps to his death. A real tragedy."
Fayt glared at him. "Tell it to the your precious press. I know what I'm doing."
"What you are doing is going to upset Miss Esteed greatly."
"And what she did upset me greatly," Fayt mocked.
The servant's cool expression turned to anger. "Do you think I serve her for money, or publicity! I love Sophia. I know you don't understand it, but I can't stand to see her unhappy." His black hair whipped in the wind, flying over his eyes. "You're my rival Fayt, but if I let you die she won't be happy."
"I'm no one's rival. Th only thing I am is Albel's lover, I belonged to him and him alone."
"Don't be so stubborn," the man snapped. "Albel is dead. And you are in my way. I want Sophia, but I want her to be happy, to choose me when she could have you."
Fayt shot the man a cold glare. "I'll never give her the option of having me. I'm not straight, and never will be. I loved Albel, and I'm not going to fall for the bitch that had him killed."
"I can find you a man to cheat with. Just don't let her know. Keep her happy, because dammit this world could use a little more happiness."
He's trying to do the right thing, I know he is. I just don't belong in a world without Albel. "I know you want her to be happy, but I don't want just any man. It's Albel I love. And it's Albel I'm going to, not Sophia."
"You fool. If you just give Miss Esteed a chance, I'm sure you could love her. Wouldn't you rather be alive and in love then dead?"
"I'm not the foolish one here!" Fayt yelled. "I will never love the woman who so easily ordered Albel's death! Do you think she really cares about me? She had the only thing I loved in this world killed, and you expect me to run crying to her? I won't. Sophia never loved anyone, only the publicity she could gain from falling in love."
"That doesn't mean you can't try, give the world a second chance, give Sophia a second chance!" The man looked desperate now, pleading with Fayt.
Fayt answered in a surprisingly calm manner. "No. I can't do that. You wouldn't understand, being from a normal family, living a normal life. All I ever did was love Albel, and the world hated me for it. Why is that? I can't love without being hated. No, this world isn't where I belong. The only place I need to be is wherever Albel is, and if he's dead, so be it."
Fayt ran away from the man, running toward the cliff. So many memories of the past, so many opportunities that would never come now, not without Albel. He heard the footsteps of the other man, chasing him, hunting him down to force him to be with Sophia again. Fayt wouldn't give in to her, he would die and never see Sophia again.
The Japanese man tackled Fayt, pinning him to the ground. Fayt kicked wildly, but the man ignored it. "I'm taking you back, like it or not!" he shouted above the increasing storm.
Fayt attacked, biting, kicking, punching, anything to get away from the man who was preventing him from dying. He bit the man's arm, holding him with his teeth. The man rolled over, trying to free himself from Fayt's grasp. As he did so, he freed Fayt, who immediately let go and ran.
The cliff wasn't far now, and Fayt ran as fast as he could, his lungs raw from the cold air as he panted heavily. The man caught up with him again, though they were both bleeding and weaker now. He punched Fayt, knocking him back a little.
"Come on Fayt, I'll give you anything you want. Don't do this to Sophia, please, don't!"
It's sad that once Albel's gone, the only reason anyone wouldn't want me dead is so Sophia can be happy. "What I want is Albel, and you can't give me that! He's dead. If Albel's dead, the only thing I can want is death itself."
"No, there has to be something. Every human has a weakness, something they would do anything for."
"And mine is Albel." But Albel's not really a weakness. He kept me from being weak.
"Money? Sex? There has to be something. Maybe you want a proper burial for your lover?"
"Albel's dead, it doesn't matter what you to do the body, he's not coming back!"
"I can try to get Sophia to free you, then you can do whatever you want, just go back to her now!"
"There's nothing you can do!" Fayt yelled. "Albel is gone and I want to die with him, I want to die, that's all! Let me go!" Fayt tried to run around the man, but was blocked. Why does he care? If I'm dead he has a better chance with Sophia. Just move, I NEED TO JOIN ALBEL! He ran into the man, knocking him over so his head hit a rock. Satisfied, Fayt ran to the cliff edge.
He stopped there, staring down into the canyon below the cliff. It was far to the bottom, though he wasn't sure if the impact alone would kill him. If I land properly, on my head, I should die. Then again, if the fall didn't kill him, maybe whatever broke it would. The bottom of the canyon was littered with junk- rocks, spare wood, tree branches. If Fayt was lucky, he would land on something sharp and die.
I wonder who will find my body. Will they come looking for me, only to find my remains at the bottom of the cliff? Or maybe years from now, when Sophia's gone too, my bones will be found, and this whole scandal will be uncovered, bringing down Sophia's legacy.
Fayt turned his head up to the sky, staring at the rain clouds. If I don't jump, what will become of my life? Will I spend every night thinking about him, crying myself to sleep, dreaming about him, only to find him not there each morning? How much longer can I live without him?
He looked back to the cliff, knowing now what he had to do. Albel…we never got to be everything we wanted. Your life was cut short. Too short, even by serial killer standards. Albel's life, Fayt knew, would not be greatly missed, except by him. He had killed people, lots of them. More people then some of the disasters the world mourned.
And still, it was all worth it. There was so much I never got to say while he was alive. So many times he left me all alone while he killed. I never got to tell him how lonely I was while he was gone. How some days, when his mission was particularly dangerous, I would sit and wait and do nothing but wait until he came back. Everything in my life was empty before him, and it just got a whole lot emptier. He knew I loved him, but did he know just how much?
It's not until someone is gone that they can be truly appreciated, and it wasn't until Albel died that even Fayt realized how much in love he was. This time, he couldn't sit and wait for Albel to return. He was never coming back.
Then again, maybe Albel didn't mind being dead. His life has been short and violent, true, but not all of that violence was from him. Albel had suffered more than his fair share of pain. Not once had Fayt seen him smile happily, not even when they were alone and he was more gentle. No, Albel had been in pain for much of his life. His childhood, which Fayt didn't know some parts of, had been filled with abuse, hatred, and violence. Albel told Fayt he has learned young to fight for what he wanted. And finally, at age seventeen, Albel struck back with force, committing his first murders.
No, life wasn't fair or kind to Albel, and he was never fair or kind to anyone but me. That's just the way everything works. Maybe Albel wouldn't have been such a violent person, had he not discovered so young that violence will get you what you want. None of what he did was his fault. He lived like he was taught to live. And it worked for him, just not for long enough.
However, Fayt wasn't even sure if Albel could have lived without killing anyone no matter what. He had known Albel since he was thirteen, and Albel had never once shown any real kindness or caring to anyone but Fayt. True, he tolerated, and even sometimes enjoyed talking to others, but it was really only Fayt he cared about. Maybe some people are just born violent. Maybe Albel would have hated people no matter what. Either way, he did what he did and it can't be changed.
Fayt kicked a rock down the cliff, watching it bounce off the cliff walls, falling out of sight. There's nothing left to do but jump. Albel wouldn't like it, but he's dead now, and death is the only choice left for me. "I'm so sorry, Albel. I'm so sorry it had to come down to this, to me ending my own life because you were gone. I'd go through all of this again just to see your face."
He felt a tear run down his face and blinked away more. "You died rescuing me. Your death…it was meant to save me, to keep me from having to suffer more. I can't even begin to tell you how much I'm suffering now."
Fayt lacked the words to really say how he felt, to explain to his dead lover the giant rip in his soul that would consume him entirely, that maybe had already filled his whole soul, until all he could feel was a great emptiness, and the need to be back in Albel's arms.
That won't happen, you idiot. Albel isn't coming back, you're just going away. He's not going to save you anymore, he did the best he could and that's what got him killed. Be happy he loved you until the very end, even when it caused him more pain then he already had to suffer through.
Fayt scooted a little closer to the edge of the cliff. His instincts screamed at him to be afraid, and he was a little afraid. It's only human nature to fear what comes after life, to fear pain. But Fayt knew he had to overcome his fear, to make the leap anyway.
He closed his eyes, seeing nothing, feeling only the cold rain and hearing the loud crashes of thunder in the distance. It was almost peaceful, being alone in the dark and cold with nothing but pain. I have to jump now. Now or that man will come stop me. It's now or never.
Slowly, certain of his actions, Fayt leaned forward, over the cliff edge. With one final push, he allowed himself to fall down, spinning through the air. Albel's never coming back. He's gone, he's dead, I won't see him anymore.
Fayt felt like he was falling in slow motion, spinning slowly, almost hanging in the air. He saw parts of his life replayed, like he was watching a movie of every moment. Him as a young child, him kissing Albel for the first time, his family hating him for what he was, Albel saving him then, and lastly, Albel, looking calm and in control, with the knife pressed to his throat that took his life.
I loved you, Albel. I know you loved me, I know you didn't want me to hurt, but I have to be hurting, you're dead. You aren't coming back to me, and it hurts, so very badly. I don't want to feel this hurt for the rest of my life, or ever.
Fayt fell further, the wind blowing through his hair, tears falling down his cheeks silently. He opened his eyes for a second, to find himself inches away from the ground. "I love you Albel," he whispered, before his body slammed into the rocky ground.
Author's Note: Now, if you feel discouraged and want to stop reading this story right now so the mean author can't destroy your beloved pairing any more, please don't. I promise, there is lots more stuff to come with these two boys. Just believe in me and keep reading, the best hasn't come yet. And review. I need some reviews here, I feel like I'm getting less. Has my writing gotten worse or something? Either way, reviews are greatly appreciated.
