A/N: Hello all and welcome to chapter 13. Last we left off, Joan had just learned of one hell of a surprise and to what Ozzy boy was doing the night he married Qrow and Joan XD. Do I really have a set in stone plan? No not really. Do I care?
Nope. An Unlucky Drunken Marriage
Summary: Qrow just wanted to relax after a long time away on a mission. Celebrating by hitting the new nightclub that opened up seemed good in his mind. Too bad he ended up drunkenly marrying a cute blonde knight in the process.
*Staying Late*
Joan rubbed her temples and slowly processed the words that just left the headmaster's mouth. She shook her head and dug a finger into her ear to make sure she heard what he said correctly. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that? Because I could have sworn that I heard you say that your ex-wife is the fucking Queen of Grimm. Surely I'm just concussed, right? You're bullshitting me."
"I'm afraid not, Miss Arc." Ozpin took a sip from his mug, letting out a wistful sigh. "It was nice to be able to finally reconnect with her after all these years."
…
"Ozpin, forgive my language, but didn't anyone tell you to not stick your dick in crazy?" The blonde rolled her eyes.
"You're definitely taking after Qrow too much." The headmaster let out a grumble. "He said those exact words to me a few days ago, in fact."
"Gee, what a shock. The hell did you think he was going to do, throw a surprise party when he heard that?" Joan asked in exasperation.
"Oh don't you start with the same kind of sass too." He glowered at her. "Qrow gave me enough of an earful the last time he was in my office."
"Probably because you were getting sucked off in a meeting."
"…how did you know that?"
"Wait, seriously? I just said that as a sort of joke. Ugh. I don't want to think of that." Joan retched at the thought of her headmaster receiving any sort of sexual attention. Okay, maybe she had a bit of a dumb schoolgirl crush on him at the beginning of the year. Shut up, not funny.
"Before you decide to tarnish my good reputation, I can assure you that Salem no longer desires to wreak havoc on humanity. In fact, quite the opposite." Ozpin smirked. "She has already informed us of several breach attempts, including the ones who are behind the recent Dust robberies in Vale. Roman Torchwick has already been apprehended by General Ironwood and is currently locked up on one of the most secure battlecruisers on the planet. Rest assured, Salem's former accomplices will be persecuted."
"Lemme guess, she came around after you gave her some much needed stress relief?"
"That about sums it up quite nicely, Miss Arc."
Joan groaned and let her head crash into her hands. "What did I ever do to deserve this?"
"Maybe your obviously forged transcripts?" Ozpin looked at her surprised look with an amused smirk. "You might be able to fool some of the staff, but I can tell when someone is bullshitting about their training. You aren't the first nor do I suspect the last. Normally students who attempt to forge their way into my academy are dropped on the first day. However, I made a small exception to that rule with you."
"Do not give me that corny shit of, 'I showed leadership potential'." Joan rolled her eyes with a scoff. "It was sheer dumb luck that I didn't get killed in the forest during initiation. I came up with those tactics on the fly."
"And they worked. Recently, I will admit while you had shown improvements, it wasn't up to some of our professors' standings and for good reason. However, I have noticed a much more drastic improvement since Qrow took you under his personal tutelage." Ozpin gave her a reassuring smile. "Do not fret, Arc. You will not be dropped from Beacon if that was what you were worrying about."
"I'm not worried about that." She shook her head. "It's…complicated. I haven't told my parents about what happened between me and Qrow and I know I have to eventually. I just don't know how to do it. Or how to handle the whole, 'I'm married' situation entirely. I kind of didn't expect this to happen."
"I'll take responsibility for it," Ozpin said. "Don't give me that look, Joan. When I am not in a state of severe intoxication I am a responsible man."
"No, you misunderstand me." Joan sighed. "It's…well, Qrow. I think I'm beginning to like him? Even if he has less decency than anyone I've met." She tried to not laugh awkwardly.
"Go on." Ozpin sipped from his mug.
"Well, he is crass, crude, and knows how to be a sarcastic jackass better than anyone, even Yang." She rolled her eyes again. "But…he has this certain kindness about him. He's caring." 'And pretty damn good looking. Holy shit, half of my sisters would want a piece of him.'
The more she thought about it, the more she realized that Qrow had unconsciously ignited a bit of a fetish she didn't know she had until now. 'Oh God I have an older guy fetish. Fuck me. What's next, Nora having a brother complex for Ren?' By Oum her team was so messed up.
At this rate, she wouldn't be surprised if all of her friends had weird kinks.
"Something wrong?" Ozpin smirked. "Let me guess, you're remembering seeing a specific part of his anatomy."
"Oh, haha. Very funny." The blonde glared at the older man, noticing that her face was burning from embarrassment. It was true; she did think of Qrow's toned ass being her introduction to him. "I'm dying of laughter. Please, let me check myself into a hospital for my sides have completely fallen off. Or, better yet, check you into the nearest psyche ward for letting this happen in the first place."
"Qrow already tried that." Ozpin laughed at Joan's groan. "Currently, the psyche ward in Vale is not accepting patients from Beacon."
"Do I want to know?" she asked with a sigh.
"Professor Port's doing," he answered promptly, his eyes getting misty as if he was recalling a fond memory. "I'm afraid that in one of his nights of drinking, he once…did something horrifying beyond measure. It was before your time by a good four or five years. Qrow was actually teaching at Signal when it happened."
"…go on…" Okay, now she would admit she was a little nervous about hearing what the moustached professor did. What the hell could he do that was so horrifying that even a hospital didn't want to deal with it?
"I'm afraid…that Port had stripped down completely until he was as nude as the day he was born." The headmaster shuddered. "During one of my speeches just before the first years were sent on their first mission, no less. Needless to say…the psyche ward had such an abundance of trauma patients that they couldn't deal with it."
Joan retched at the thought of the old professor being nude. "Ugh! That's fucking disgusting!"
"Tell me about it. I've been the headmaster for many long years so I've seen a thing or two, but that might be the worst." He grimaced. "I definitely did not enjoy the screaming. I was concerned that I would go blind."
"I'm gonna need some brain bleach to forget about that." Joan groaned.
"I'm afraid I cannot in any regard help you with that. As your headmaster it would be irresponsible for me to allow you attend detention while under the influence of any sort of alcohol." He idly sipped from his mug, frowning as it now appeared to be empty. "Blast. I thought I had more. Oh well."
"So…does this mean I don't have to deal with Goodbitch?"
"For today at least."
"Fuck."
Qrow looked up from his newspaper as he heard the door to his office open, feet propped up on the desk. "So, I heard you got into it with Goodwitch."
Joan gave him an exasperated look as she flung her books down and took a seat across from him, folding her arms with her cheeks puffed out in a huff. He had to admit it was pretty cute.
"I'll take that as a yes." He chuckled and folded his newspaper, tossing it into the corner over his shoulder. "So, what happened exactly? Oz was a little foggy on the details, if you don't mind me asking."
Joan lowered her head like she was getting scolded and looked down. "Well…it was because of a sparring match against Cardin."
"That Winchester idiot? Please tell me you didn't turtle or something." Qrow raised an eyebrow, curious.
"No." She shook her head. "I fought dirty and won. Goodbitch didn't like it very much and tried to say something when I went loose. I didn't mean to snap out like that; I'm just tired of being belittled for every little fucking thing."
Qrow leaned forward and clapped her on the shoulder, giving her a reassuring smile. "You didn't do half bad, kiddo. You're not the first one to let Glynda hear it nor will you be the last. Her ways aren't kind to everyone. She means well, but I agree her methods aren't the best at times."
"So…you aren't pissed off at me?" Joan looked up hopefully.
"Yeah, let me scold my fucking wife and punish her." Qrow rolled his eyes. "Oz just gave it to you as an excuse for us to be alone and catch up without anyone getting suspicious."
"You know, it's kind of sad that I find that a hell of a lot more believable." She laughed bitterly. "And…Qrow? While talking with Ozpin, I sort of…realized something about myself." Uh oh. Here came a heartfelt confession from his adorable wife. This ought to be good.
"And what was that?"
"I…have a thing for older guys."
…
Seriously?
Qrow searched her features for any trace of this being her idea of a lame joke. No such luck. The massive blush on her face was enough to tell him she was dead serious and didn't want it known.
"Oh…" he said after an awfully pregnant pause. "Right then…is it because you realized most guys your age are selfish arrogant pricks who just want to feed their ego?"
"Yeah that pretty much sums it up." She shrugged and looked at him with her blush deepening. "Plus…I mean…I really don't want to say it…"
"Oh no you don't. You don't get to blush cutely and get away with it. Spill the beans."
"Pleaaaaase?" She pouted. Damn her and those soft lips begging for him to kiss them. No, he would resist. Married or not he was still a teacher goddammit and he would not fall into the temptation.
"Now." He put his foot down. Literally.
"Ugh, you're horrible," Joan whined. "Fine…well, I did actually like the parts of you I got to see…"
Ah, she still remembered that the first part of him she was his own naked ass. Hey, he worked out to have this body. Most people his age were already showing signs of flabbiness. Thank God he had enough self respect as a huntsman to keep his image looking nice. Unlike Port. Old bastard had really let himself go.
"Well thanks for the flattery." He smirked. "Anything else you want to point out that's painfully obvious?"
"Yes. Quit saying I look nice in thigh highs." She scowled. "Not funny."
"I'm just saying. I liked what I saw." He put his hands up in mock surrender.
"Yeah well…I can't like that which I can't see." The blonde winked.
'No, behave. Casual flirting does not give you an excuse to pound your student wife,' Qrow mentally scolded. His jacket was beginning to feel a little warm around the collar and he very subtly tweaked the air conditioning to set it colder. Not funny.
Shut up with those snarky comments. It was hot.
"Flattered." He sighed. "Now look, can't you mess around on your scroll or something? I have tests to grade, you know."
"Hmm…nope." Without any warning she crawled over his desk to sit in his lap, wiggling a little to get comfy. Qrow sighed inwardly and really wished parts of his anatomy didn't stir.
"…you're not drunk again, are you?" he asked, half hoping it was true so he could drag her back to her team's dorm before their impromptu dance class.
"Sober as a bird, dearest husband." Joan leaned back, resting her head just under his chin. She was close enough that he could feel his stubble against her soft hair. Fuck.
"…you're horrible." He groaned and let one arm wrap around her. "What are you trying to get out of this?"
"A date," she answered promptly. "Why are you surprised? I literally just told you like five fucking minutes ago that I like older guys. So yeah, I'd want to go out somewhere with you. Preferably after dance class so I don't have to worry about Nora."
A date? Qrow couldn't even remember the last time he had even been on one. His semblance and dates didn't exactly go hand in hand. Usually it caused a lot of issues and ruin it, hence his hesitation.
But then he took one look at that puppy dog stare and caved in. "Yeah, sure. I think I know a few places. Bite to eat, have a nice walk around town, enjoy ourselves for once without having to worry about school. I could use a bit of fresh air myself."
Well it was settled. He would be taking her out on a date after the dance. But, ah, there was a bit of an issue in the trouser department.
"Joan…would you kindly mind getting off?" he asked wearily. Curse this newfound flirty behavior.
"Nope~." She stuck her tongue out to be childish.
Qrow could only sigh and resign himself to his new fate.
"Fuck…"
A/N: *whistles innocently and looks out for any mobs demanding my execution* Nope, nothing to see here. Nothing at all. Hang on…is that a MAC cannon? In atmosphere? Yeah nah…I'm out.
-Classiest#8332
