CHAPTER FOUR:
The Emperor was covered in little pink dots. It might be a notable remark at the moment that it is not everyday that you will see the Emperor surrounded by people dabbing chamomile lotion on his scars. So I recommend you take advantage of this situation and get a camera. It's definitely a Kodak moment. And shut up, I know you can't really take pictures of text. But you can try to draw it, right?
Unfortunately, it's not as satisfying of a mental image as the image of Jabba the Hutt with chicken pox, because the Emperor, being xenophobic, lacks cute little Twi'lek girls in metal bikinis to proceed to cover him in pink stinky glop which supposedly helps remove the itch. I cannot speak in favor of this as my only relief from the pox was showering a ridiculous amount of times a day. I also cannot speak in favor of the idea of wearing a metal bikini. Particularly on Hoth. That would be utmost torture. One wonders what would happen if Jabba the Hutt was stranded on Hoth...
He (the Emperor, not Jabba the Hutt, as the latter was busy being interwoven into a situation that could potentially get him stranded on Hoth, or, at the very least, Manitoba) scowled at his hand, covered in itchy spots. The Emperor looked mummified enough as it was, being coated in blots of chicken poxes wasn't exactly a great asset to his appearance. In fact, it just made him look like a mummified freak covered in little red dots.
Wait a second.
I'm considering this.
Ignore my previous comment. This was an aid to the Emperor's looks. At least not all of his skin was a horrible paisley tone any longer.
One might consider the situation. The leader of the Galactic Empire, down with the chicken pox? Well, up, and scratching, really. Would the Imperial domination crumble into nothingness as the universe was plummeted into agony as their ultimate leader suffered from itchy torment? Would he suffer a slow and painful death as his fingernails slowly dug into his skin in an attempt to tear the tormenting patches of skin from his body? Would he peel his own self into strips in the hopes to end the torment! Would he fall to the darkside and attempt to murder each little bacteria or virus (or whatever causes the chicken pox) with Force lightning!
You know what? I don't know.
I do know for certain though that Lord Vader was far worse off. At least Palpy has fingernails and skin. Unfortunately for Darth Vader, being more machine than human, he was suffering grave torment indeed.
Did Darth Vader get the chicken pox, you ask? Alongside of the nasty cold that permitted phlegm to drool from the slats in his helmet in disgusting slimy rivets, was he also suffering a dreadfully itchy and agonizing illness?
Of course not. On Tatooine, many, many years ago, Anakin Skywalker had been forced to undergo his shots and had received the vaccine for the chicken pox. His mother had been smart, tying the child down as Watto sat on his feet and a medical droid administered all of young Skywalker's shots. For this reason as a child Anakin never found himself on the receiving end of a cold.
However, masks tend to collect bacteria and other evil strains of this universe. As incredible as Darth Vader was, even the great Dark Lord of the Sith could not stand against the plummeting downpour of a ravage of billions and billions of tiny bacteria and viruses weaving up his scorched nostrils. Even the Darkside was no match for the onslaught that had taken him and forced him to suffer the vilest of vile! The flu!
And yet... somehow, in the midst of his agony, his attempts to keep his helmet from clogging up and causing Lord Vader to die of a very ironic death— asphyxiation within his own helmet... it had grown worse. How, Vader wondered, was it possible to become this much harder on his already tormented system, as he had to deal with the flu, the sniffles, the excess of mucus clogging his nasal systems, the horrid stench of his own breath fogging up his helmet, and at the same time keep his chicken pox stricken Emperor from killing too many stormtroopers. It took some time to grow and train them up, after all, even if it seemed as if stormies grew on trees.
In fact, the Emperor had taken great pleasure in printing out pictures of Jedi Masters, drawing billions of little red dots over their faces, and then throwing darts at them.
How could it possibly be worse!
And, for the one thousand one hundred and thirty-eighth time, Luke Skywalker yanked on his father's sleeve. "But daddddyyyyyy! The Emperor wants my darts! He's impaling Yoda's head! Can't I go and heeeeeeeeeeeeelp!"
"No." Darth Vader would've breathed menacingly if this wasn't at the moment threatening to his health. However, breathing menacingly now only proceeded to make it impossible for him to comfortably keep breathing, his helmet clogged with a layer of silt, mucus, and bacteria of various shapes and sizes, every one of them taunting them with their evil and tormenting little grins...
"Why?"
"Because I said so."
"Why did you say so?"
"Because I am perfectly able of articulating Basic speech. Because you spread an epidemic throughout my Emperor's Death Star. For the last time, my son, where is the Rebel base?"
Luke looked around distractedly. "If I tell you can I have one of the stormtrooper outfits?"
Vader sighed. Or nearly sighed, until he thought better of it and merely exhaled carefully. "Anything."
The young Jedi Knight let his eyes wander the throne room, the Emperor bouncing about like a chicken and attempting to scratch at his pox marks and all the while attempting to skewer a printout of Yoda with a set of darts shaped like Star Destroyers. He scratched mindlessly at his hand, several red marks marring his rough skin, tanned by hard work under the suns of Tatooine before he had left the old rock.
The Sith Lord cast his son a glance. The son in mention had some reddish patches on his face as well.
"She's hot." Luke sighed.
Darth Vader looked in the direction that his now distracted son was staring in. His eyes would've widdened had it helped anything. Unfortunately, they were hidden underneath his helmet. "Uh... Luke..."
"She is."
Darth Vader though wistfully of Padmé for a moment. "Luke. No. Just... no."
"Why not?"
Vader wondered if this wasn't one of his son's favorite lines.
"You're just saying this because you're mad at me for the dartboard incident still and then Palpatine told you you had to babysit me."
Well... yes. "Luke, if you must ogle girls, we will find you a safer girl to ogle." The Sith proceeded to steer Luke towards a nearby holonet access computer and showed him how to use an image search engine and found him a couple of singles webpages. Luke cast a rueful glance back at the redhaired woman, though. Pictures just weren't the same.
"Whoa!"
Vader's eyes did widen this time, and he hastily moved to hit the x on the window before Luke could get too much of an eyeful. Though this was prevented, he was still cast an itchy and icy scowl from his Emperor. Vader wondered if Palpatine had ever seen that much of a woman exposed before.
And decided against letting his thoughts carry on that pattern.
"I feel cold," Luke complained.
"Hm."
Luke scratched a bit more vigorously at his hand. "I'm going down to medical, dad."
"Oh. Yeah. Sure." The Jedi Knight vanished from the throne room and left Vader to contemplate the computer.
