Disclaimer: By chapter 11, there are few original ways left to tell you I do not own the rights to Star Ocean. Thank God I'm not doing a one of those insane 50 chapter fanfictions.
Date Posted: March 2, 2006
Author's Note: Hello, and welcome to another angsty chapter! This one wins the award for most angsty. Congratulations. Also, it is March. The Miracle Month. The Holy Month. The month in which Kingdom Hearts 2 comes out (TODAY! But I didn't predorder... :( ), and the month in which there will be a new season of Avatar: The Last Airbender. YAY!
Chapter 11: I Miss You
A week had passed since Albel's death. Fayt had gone back with Sophia. The shock and depression didn't allow for clear thought, and it was the only place for him to go. Sophia had been in a good mood since Albel had died, firmly convinced this made Fayt straight. The press wouldn't leave her alone either, demanding she give details about her wedding day, and the day after. Fayt had been in a daze the whole time, though she took him on a talk show one time. She forced him to tell a story about how Albel kidnapped him, but once Sophia came he fought off Albel because of his love for her. She told the public they would still be getting married.
It was on the one week anniversary of Albel's death that his body was buried. His grave was an ordinary one, though it lacked the usual flowers left by mourners. Not that Fayt minded- Albel didn't care for decoration on graves.
Now, late at night, alone, Fayt traced over the letters on the stone with a careful finger. "Albel Nox 1989-2013" it read. The blue-haired man sat down next to the grave, the cool night air gently blowing through his hair.
"Hey Albel. I know it's strange of me to be here. I never liked cemeteries." Fayt's voice was soft, as one speaking quietly to a lover. "Maybe I just never liked the thought of death, because it's the only thing that could have ever come between us." A gust of wind swept through the graveyard, and Fayt tugged on the deep green designer sweater he wore, trying to keep warm.
"I remember we came here once. I don't know if you do. You were drunk." The ghost of a smile tugged at the corners of Fayt's mouth. "But you were drunk a lot and it never seemed to change your memory. Well, you complained about this city. You told me the rich were snobs, but we needed the money badly. You… you said this would be a horrible place to be buried." Fayt looked down, then added, "I'm sorry. They found your body on the floor of that bathroom, along with me and Sophia."
There was a silence, and Fayt found himself expecting Albel's voice to swear revenge on Sophia, or even for Albel to hold Fayt and comfort him. "I guess you can't answer me." He sighed. "Sophia's glad you're dead. I told her I'll always love you, but she says now that you're dead I can be straight." Tears gathered in Fayt's eyes, and he let them fall down his face.
"I miss you. I'm so lonely, Albel. Sophia's planning our next wedding. She says it's going to be bigger and better than the last one, because now she's really won me. She says this is great publicity." Fayt blinked away tears, looking up at the clear night sky. "I hate her," he whispered. "I'm not marrying her."
A red leaf floated idly onto Albel's grave, the slight rustling breaking the silence. Fayt reached out a hand and brushed it off, running his hand down the smooth stone of the grave.
"I think you'd be proud of me, if you were alive to see all this. I won't let her touch me. Not ever again. You wouldn't have let her do anything like that, after all." Fayt sighed. "I'm going to leave this place. I don't know where to go without you, but I'm leaving. I was so close to that perfect ending, me and you together. In just two days I found you, then lost you all over again. I miss you so much."
Fayt fell into silence, his mind racing, wanting nothing more than to be in Albel's arms again. Albel had been everything to him. Ever since they met, neither boy could live without the other. It was something Fayt felt he couldn't even begin to understand- the way they had been instantly attracted to each other, and never let go no matter what. And Fayt could remember clearly when he had met Albel, and fallen for him. He smiled faintly at the memory now.
It seemed like ages ago to Fayt, who had been only 13, Albel 14. They hadn't known each other, but Albel's tall, thin body had caught Fayt's eye in the locker room after gym class. The two shared a brief moment of eye contact, before Fayt blushed and looked away. But it was enough for him to know he was gay- and had a crush on the boy everyone was afraid of. He sat next to Albel at lunch, a sort of quiet understanding between them. Albel had been wary of Fayt at first, but they grew used to each other. It wasn't until one day in a wood carving class, which Fayt had only taken because Albel was in it, that he realized Albel felt the same way about him.
Fayt was trying uselessly to carve a circle in a piece of wood- something he should have been able to do ages ago according to the old teacher. Albel had smirked at him and quickly offered to help him, standing behind Fayt and guiding his hands. Fayt remembered enjoying the experience- Albel was standing very close to him, so close Fayt could feel the boy's warm breath on his neck. And he had taken a small step back to bump into Albel and find him very hard.
Fayt had turned around, smiled at Albel and whispered, "If you wanted me you should have said something."
Albel grabbed his wrists and whispered back, "I don't just want you like that. I want… to know you. I… think I love you, Fayt."
Staring at Albel's grave now, Fayt let a tear run down his cheek, wishing he had more than old memories to cling to. "Seems like forever ago, doesn't it?" He was answered only by the blowing of the wind. "Feels like we haven't been home in forever." There was a pause. "I guess we won't go back now. You never did like it back home though, did you?"
Soon after that day, Fayt knew everything about Albel. Even how suicidal he was. It had always scared Fayt knowing he could lose Albel any day. The boy had often shown up at school with fresh cuts on his wrists, though never deep enough to have killed him, not after he was with Fayt.
Fayt remembered perfectly the day that had scared him most. Albel hadn't been at school that day, and Fayt was getting worried about him. He ran frantically through the neighborhood, checking all of his favorite hide-outs and escapes, but couldn't find Albel.
Then it hit him- he hadn't looked in the old, empty lot at the end of town. Running as fast as he could, Fayt got there just in time. Albel was sitting against a brick wall, staring down a loaded gun.
"Albel, don't do it!" He had yelled, running towards Albel. Fayt knocked the gun aside, tackling Albel, hugging him firmly.
"Fayt, what the hell are you doing here?"
"I didn't see you and I got worried, and here you are trying to kill yourself!" Fayt's voice broke and he clung more tightly to Albel. The older boy kissed his lover gently, calming him down.
They had spent the rest of the night talking quietly, Albel holding a softly crying Fayt in his arms. It was early in the morning, before the sun had even begun to rise, that Albel promised Fayt he would live and protect him.
Fayt's mind was flying back now, remembering all the things he and Albel had shared after that. One of his best memories was about a year after they had started dating, the night he lost his virginity to Albel. Fayt's family was gone for a week, and because the uncle Albel lived with didn't care if he went missing, Albel was spending the week over there.
It was late Wednesday night, and both boys were still awake. Albel was particularly restless that night, constantly grabbing Fayt to kiss him roughly. It was when he slammed Fayt down onto his bed, hands working their way up his shirt, mouth moving along his neck, that Fayt gave up.
"Mm, Albel… I'm yours." Fayt half-moaned.
"We both know that," Albel answered in a low voice.
"I mean it, Albel. If you want me, go for it." Fayt struggled to keep his voice under control.
To Fayt's surprise, Albel pulled away and looked into his eyes. "You're sure?" he asked softly.
Fayt grabbed the back of Albel's head and kissed him fiercely, breaking off to breathe heavily. "Absolutely."
"You were always so… caring." Fayt spoke softly, tears still in his eyes as he gazed upon the grave. "Maybe you knew how much I would need someone to love and protect me. You saved me from my own family when they hated me for being gay."
Tearful green eyes stared at the grave, his mind now racing through every moment of Albel's life. It had been a short, violent life. Nearly fourteen years of suicidal rage until he fell in love with Fayt. Seventeen years of abuse from his uncle until Albel killed him, which was followed by seven years of non-stop murdering.
Even so, Fayt had loved every second of the time he had with Albel. A million fragments of memories flashed before his eyes- Albel staring into his eyes, Albel holding out slit wrists, Albel kissing him softly, shooting Sophia's men, running from the police, driving away from another murder scene.
Tears fell down Fayt's cheeks unhindered, his heart ripping apart to fill with incompleteness, sadness. There was nothing left of Albel, nothing but this empty stone with his name engraved on it.
"I have to wonder if this is what you want, or at least deserved," Fayt said softly. "You killed a lot of people. No doubt you would have been given the death penalty if they found you. And for so long, you wanted this. It hurt, that you wanted to die. It still hurts more that you're dead and you didn't choose to be. You… were invincible to me, Albel. I always thought you'd choose your own death."
Fayt sighed. "Damn it, either way I miss you. And I'm talking to your grave, now. I think you'd laugh at this. You never believed in an afterlife. Maybe talking to the dead is useless."
The dead. Fayt moved closer to the grave, reading the words written on it again, still unable to believe it was really Albel who was dead.
"Albel…" he whispered, letting his voice fade away into the night. "I would give anything to see you again, just once." Fayt sighed, looking up at the moon. It shone brightly, now a less than full moon.
"I still love you. Even though you're dead. Foolish, maybe, to depend on a dead man. I just don't know where to go from here without you. Maybe death is the best thing for me now. If I died, I could join you down there."
He shuddered at the thought of Albel's lifeless body lying deep in the ground. It had been odd enough to hold Albel after he was dead, feeling his body grow cold as they waited for the police. Fayt had never liked anything to do with death, and he had cried the whole time they waited. Now he clenched a handful of dirt, trying to stop more tears and failing.
"So here I am, crying at your grave. I guess you could call this your funeral. I told you I'd be here, alone maybe." Fayt sniffled, hugging his legs to his chest. "What should I do, Albel? You wouldn't want me to stick around this city with Sophia, would you? Not after everything she did to me."
Fayt closed his eyes, trying to block out the memories. Still they flooded his head, echoing in the emptiness. Images of Sophia kissing him, touching him, undressing him. He wanted to scream, but he had learned not to over those three years. Tears fell harder silently, wishing Albel were there to make everything better.
"You tried to save me from her. And she shot you. You could have made everything ok, you always did!" Fayt's voice was rising as he opened his eyes, burning green, glaring off into the distance. "You'd want her dead." His voice was cold. "You'd want me to give her what she deserves. And someday I will. I promise."
With a defeated sigh, he looked down. "Albel, I'm in no state to do anything like that now. Damn it, all I can do anymore is cry. We needed more time. There was so much that was never said, never done. I loved you more than I ever thought I could love anyone, and I need that back."
There was a silence broken only by the blowing of the wind. Fayt struggled to find words, but finally opened his mouth and spoke again. "Sophia tried to comfort me in her own way. She still says I never loved you. She's wrong. It almost makes me feel guilty, just that anyone could think I didn't love you. I hope you knew that when you died. I hope you knew that you were everything I ever needed."
"It hurt to know you had to risk your life every day, partly just to help me survive. I don't know why I'm like this. I'm so weak when I'm alone. Other people can live alone, they can be independent. For some reason, I had that dependence on you." Fayt bit his lip, staring at the grave, it's words imprinted firmly in his mind now- he knew this was something that would haunt him forever.
"It hurts more to know you did die because of me. If you hadn't been trying to make sure I was ok, you could have lived. Damn it, if one of us had just pulled the trigger faster we would both be ok. Why did you have to die!" Fayt's nearly shouted words echoed around the cemetery, his tears pouring onto the dirt below him.
"It's not fair! You shouldn't have died, not so young! No one, no matter how many they've killed, deserves what you got, not anyone so damn selfless!" Fayt inhaled sharply, running out of tears, sobbing. "All you cared about was me, never yourself. I miss you Albel. You were a murderer, but I still love you more than anything!"
Fayt shook as he reached out to the grave, feeling the cold stone against his skin. "I'll always love you," he whispered. "I won't forget. Every night I spend alone, every day you're still dead- I'll never forget you."
Slowly Fayt stood and turned his back on the grave. The wind howled, blue hair flying over his eyes, hiding the tears. With a finality he wished he didn't need, Fayt walked away from the cemetery. Of all the dead buried there, the one that would be missed most was the only one that had no flowers.
Author's Note: Ah, yes. Chapter 11. One more to go! Ahhh! I'm going to leave you all a super long author's note at the end of the next chapter, with all sorts of fun explainations for things I never got to use. Mmyes. REVIEW. REVIEW! I love everyone who reviews! And it makes me happy, and it makes me want to post the next chapter sooner, yes? Yes.
