A/N: Hello and welcome to the sixteenth installment. I don't have much to say about this one really. Except that I'm feeling slightly naughty about it.
An Unlucky Drunken Marriage
Summary: Qrow just wanted to relax after a long time away on a mission. Celebrating by hitting the new nightclub that opened up seemed good in his mind. Too bad he ended up drunkenly marrying a cute blonde knight in the process.
*Caged Bird*
Joan took a seat with the rest of her team and Team RWBY, trying very hard (and failing) to look pleased without being smug. The date with Qrow was easily the best night of her life at Beacon by far, and when she dug into her lunch she could hear Team RWBY's pestering about how her night had went.
"Come on, tell us!" Ruby begged. "How was it!? Did you kiss!?"
Joan was thankful she had a scoop of mashed potatoes in her mouth to prevent her from answering at first, for Weiss had decided to be the intelligent one and clasp her hand over her partner's mouth. "I'm sorry…you have no idea how hard it was trying to keep this one from ruining your night. Nice that you had a good time; you're not as moody anymore."
The knight swallowed and winked at Yang, who was staring intensely. The shock finally hit for the brawler and her fork fell out of her hand, clattering on the floor. "You did!?"
"Oh yes." Joan sighed dreamily. "It was quite romantic. For someone who is supposed to be a raging alcoholic who is too sarcastic for his own good, he does know how to treat a lady right. He can be quite the gentleman when he wants to. Oh, and Weiss, I left your heels in our dorm. I'll get them for you before the day is done, don't worry."
"Who initiated it?" Blake asked, having already devoured her tuna ramen in about five quick gulps.
"Me." Joan looked at their shocked expressions quizzically. "What? I'm an adult, dammit. I'm old enough to decide who I'm snogging in the middle of a jazz restaurant." 'Why does nearly everyone I know still think of me as some naïve dunce? Good God.' Was it really that hard for people to believe that she was of age?
Apparently it fucking was. God this being short shit sucked.
"No, it's not that." Weiss shook her head. "I personally don't care who you're kissing. It's more of…you were never that bold. He's had more of an effect on you than you realize."
"Yeah well, in my experience you tend to learn a lot about someone when you sleep with them. Right Blake?" Yang elbowed her cat Faunus partner in the side with a grin.
"Spare us the thought of you two attempting to procreate," Joan suggested dryly, Ruby falling onto the floor in a fit of laughter. Ren sighed and closed his eyes, taking a sip of what looked like algae. Knowing his insistence of being healthy, it was probably something close to it.
"Look, I just kissed him after a dance, that's it." The blonde rolled her eyes. God all of her friends were so fucked up in the head.
"Was it a slow dance?" Nora leaned over.
"Yes. Yes it was." Joan nodded, reaching for a bottle of water. "Don't look at me like that. I have a bit of class in me."
"Yeah, I'm sure Qrow stuck his class somewhere particu—"
"Yang, I'm going to have to stop you before you insinuate that I had sex with Qrow," Joan interrupted. 'Again,' she added silently. As far as Team RWBY knew, they just got married and didn't have what she assumed was the kind of freaky almost shameful sex. Look, their scrolls were covered in their bodily fluids. They definitely did some shit.
"Will Weiss Schnee and Joan Arc please come to headmaster's office at this time? Thank you. Bzzt."
"Oh for…what did I do this time?" Joan asked in exasperation, groaning in despair. "More importantly, what the hell did you do that would make you get called up to see Ozpin, Ice Queen?"
"I don't know." Weiss shrugged. "I just work here."
"Yeah, sounds about right. I guess we better go up and see what the headmaster wants." Joan sighed and stood up from her seat. Fuck it, she wasn't really hungry anyway. Not when she was still sort of dreaming of how she spent a good hour leaning on Qrow while they sat on some park bench in the middle of the night. Ahem.
"You'll live." Ren chuckled and placed his glass down. He ignored Nora leaning over to get a sniff only to wretch and folded his hands. "I'm sure it's nothing too serious."
Oh how wrong they were…
Qrow ducked under a sword swing from Winter, skillfully bobbing and weaving to avoid the stiff and predictable strikes from her rapier. For a Specialist, she was very, very easy to predict. Too stiff. Not fluid enough. Typical Schnee arrogance, fighting like it was a practice duel.
"If you want to hit me then stop fucking about and do it," Qrow taunted, his pale red eyes sparkling in mischief. Oh he knew she was going to be pissed at that remark; he hadn't even drawn Harbinger free and already he was making her sweat just to try and hit him. "I thought I was supposed to be this dusty old man who was washed up?"
"Shut your goddamn mouth!" Winter spat in anger and flung herself at him. The veteran huntsman yawned and stepped to the side, letting her soar past. He made sure to stick out an elbow to catch her in the ribs, the Specialist gasping as her Aura crackled from her momentum. "W-what was that!?"
"Oh I'm sorry, since when was there a rule that I had to use my weapon?" Qrow asked mockingly, using his Aura to knock her weapon to the side and land a punch right in the gut. "This isn't one of Jimmy's simulations. Though I'm sure you love his downward dog simulation, right? Is his wood actually made of iron? Asking for a friend who thinks he's rather cute." He didn't have a friend thinking James was hot. He just made it up.
Winter glared at him as she gasped for breath, rolling out of the way of his next few punches. If looks could kill, he'd probably be a pile of ashes by now. But, good news, she couldn't kill him with a look. Despite her being about as attractive as a basilisk. She had good recovery, he'd give her that. Too bad everything else was severely disappointing. 'I thought soldiers were supposed to have a thick skin. Too easy to rile up. James would be disappointed if he were watching.'
Or he'd be annoyed with how much Qrow was enjoying toying with her. He'd put his money on the latter.
Qrow didn't have enough fun playing with his food just yet, so he dug in a little deeper. "So, what was the point of this again? Because it seems to me like you just wanted to be shamed. Do you have a humiliation fetish or something that I should know about?"
Winter's face turned a bright red from either embarrassment or rage. He couldn't tell which was funnier. "You…you're dead! Dead goddammit!"
"So you do? Hell, you could've just asked for that instead." Qrow's Aura absorbed another blow, though this one he could feel in his shoulder. "Mind you, my services are rather expensive. Feel like emptying Daddy's bank account?"
Winter's response was to start using her glyphs. Okay, now was the time for Qrow to stop mucking about and actually take this somewhat seriously. But he was still going to talk shit. It was in his job description. Suck it the fuck up, buttercup.
He drew Harbinger and spun its broad blade in his hands to make short work of the baby Nevermores she summoned to pester him. Swatting them away was about as stressful as dealing with a fly or a wasp that just wouldn't leave him alone. "That's all you got? What happened to that spark of yours?"
Winter shrieked like a banshee as she charged him, only to run right into the side of Harbinger. He was being petty and making a fool out of her, he knew. But she never understood just what Willow had sacrificed for her children's sake. Jacque was a cruel man and she willingly put up with the abuse if it meant keeping her children safe.
"You never understood a damn thing, Winter." Qrow put away Harbinger and turned his back to the eldest Schnee daughter. "You have any idea what your mother put up with for your sake? For Weiss? Your brother?"
"What would you know!? You abandoned your daughter to do what!? Sleep with every barmaid who flutters their eyelashes at you!?" Winter snarled. "Weiss has lived through years of hell!"
"You think I didn't know that!?" Qrow hissed, letting his semblance ripple out like a tsunami. One of the lampposts lining Beacon's courtyard flickered and died, the bulb shattering. "You may have not seen me, but I was there when I could be. Your mother knew that if what we did got out, it would tear Atlas apart. And my specific line of work is not suitable for a child! I wasn't mean to come back from half of the missions I took."
Qrow's fury died away and he balled his hands into fists. "I wish I was there. I wish I could have taken you away from that sick son of a bitch. All of you." He was never good at this whole parenting thing. Between the missions he took and his damn semblance, it would be a miracle for any child to not die in a week. "I'm sorry."
"I'm not the one you have to apologize to." Winter very reluctantly lowered her rapier, though her face was set firm in a scathing glare. "Take some damn responsibility for what you've done for once."
"I have." The more experienced huntsman scoffed and slid his hands into his pockets, groaning as he saw the very pissed off shape of Glynda storming towards him. Her riding crop was firmly clasped in her hand and her teeth gnashed together at the sight of the ruined courtyard from his scrap with Winter. "Ah shit. Now we're both in for it."
"What the hell are you two thinking!?" the blonde professor hissed, waving her riding crop to repair the damage they had done. "Are you trying to cause a scene!?"
"Hey, don't pin this one on me," Qrow grumbled. "Trust me, I didn't start this one." He wasn't lying; he had been minding his own business enjoying his empty classroom when Winter sent him a challenge on his scroll. If Glynda really wanted to point fingers, she should start with her.
Glynda's eyes narrowed and she mended the lamp that had broken thanks to his semblance. "Both of you, to Ozpin's office. Now." Oh great, she was really pissed. Qrow couldn't blame her too much; as deputy headmistress she spent most of her time now fixing whatever sort of property damage done to the school on a daily basis.
Qrow slouched over and started what he liked to refer to as the Walk of Shame. Goddammit, this was definitely karma being a bitch.
Weiss and Joan stepped out of the elevator and into Ozpin's office, the headmaster looking rather weary. He looked up when they entered and extended his invitation. "Please, take a seat."
Joan shared a glance with Weiss but the two students did as they were told, taking a seat in front of Ozpin. Normally, one was only called up if they did something really stupid or started a fight. However, Joan had been behaving as she still had three days worth of detentions with her husband for calling Goodbitch out on her shit and she really, really didn't want to give the disciplinarian another reason to be cross with her.
"You must be wondering why I called you two up here," Ozpin said quietly, taking a sip from his mug. "I can assure you, it was nothing either of you have done. In fact, in the past few weeks you have been performing admirably, despite some minor bumps in the road every now and then." He looked knowingly at Joan, hinting at her unorthodox union with Qrow.
Weiss remained silent, fidgeting a little in her chair. She definitely didn't enjoy being in here and Ozpin gave them a reassuring smile. "Would either of you like a cup of coffee? I just made a batch twenty minutes ago and it is still hot."
"Yes, please." Joan nodded hurriedly. "Black, if you can." Look, she dealt with Nora. She needed caffeine to not have her sense of murder spike.
"Milk and two sugars in mine, please," Weiss requested politely.
"Of course." Ozpin retreated to the coffee pot to pour two cups, putting milk and sugar in Weiss's and handing them their respective cups. "You two can breathe easy. Neither of you are in trouble. Rather…it's who you are related to that has caused the issue."
"Huh?" Weiss looked at Joan in confusion. "What happened?"
Ozpin sat behind his desk and looked up as the elevator pinged open again, this time a furious Glynda (shocker), Qrow, and Winter stepping out. Winter looked just as cross as Goodbitch and Qrow looked like he didn't want to be here.
Joan knew immediately what was going to happen. 'Oh no…this is going to be ugly…'
The blonde took a sip of coffee and braced herself for the oncoming storm. "Um…is this many people really necessary?"
"Glynda, if you may be so kind as to take the students out on a small trip in ten minutes," Ozpin suggested. Good way to get her out of everyone's hair. "This will be stressful enough and the students need someone to take the lead while Qrow is here."
Glynda took the hint and nodded, giving Qrow one last glare. To Joan's surprise her husband didn't even bother try retaliating. He just sighed in exasperation.
Once the elevator descended, Ozpin resumed explaining why they were called up here. "As you know, Qrow is a very trusted associate of mine. Once a member of a team that set the standard for all other huntsmen teams to be judged and a man who has successfully completed more dangerous missions than anyone alive today. However…there is something you should know, and it would be best for him to say it."
Qrow's pale gaze met Joan's and she nodded subtly. It had to be said, here and now.
The older huntsman glanced at Winter reaching for her rapier and he sighed, walking over the office to Weiss. "Weiss…do you remember the crow that flew into that Gheist Knight's face and pecked out its eyes when you were training?"
"Of course." Weiss nodded. "I told Mother about it and she said I could go to Beacon regardless of what my father said. Never explained why, just said that I would be kept safe."
"Well…to tell you the truth…" Qrow scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "Jacque isn't your father. Your mother, Willow, knew the entire time who was. So did I, and so did your sister. Weiss…I'm your actual father. That crow that followed you around so much when you were a kid was me."
Weiss was silent, though Joan could see the tears starting to drip down her cheeks and she grasped her skirt tightly. "So that's it, then? That's why Father always hated me. Because he knew I wasn't even his. Why nothing I did ever pleased him. And you knew!" She stood up, glaring at the huntsman. "Why didn't you tell me!?"
"Your mom didn't want a scandal to break out," Qrow answered softly. "We both knew what would happen if word got out that the heiress to the SDC wasn't even Jacque's child. The papers would run stories and all the negative energy it caused would have ripped Atlas apart. I'm…I'm sorry. I wish I could have stayed. Raised you, your sister, and your brother. Kept your mother out of reach of Jacque. But my life…it would have taken a miracle for you all to live to the age you are now."
"Bullshit!" Joan was surprised to hear the heiress swear and she took a swig of her coffee to make sure she wasn't dreaming. Nope, still awake.
"I'm afraid that Qrow is telling you the truth," Ozpin interjected. "I had my suspicions when James told me about how unnecessarily ruthless Jacque Schnee had become eighteen years ago and Qrow was in Atlas on a job for me. But I received a call only this morning from Willow Schnee herself confirming it. By all rights and technicalities, your actual name ought to be Weiss Branwen."
Weiss buried her head in her hands, only pulling back to look desperately at her sister. "This is real…isn't it?"
"It is…" Winter answered stiffly.
"Why? Why did you never take responsibility?" Weiss asked Qrow.
"My semblance…isn't like most. It would have gotten you killed. There's a reason why I got my name." The huntsman reached for his flask, but a sharp look from both Joan and Ozpin made him lower it. "Some people can summon and some can burst into rose petals. Me? I'm just an unlucky son of a bitch. I bring misfortune, wherever I go. Sometimes, I can't fully keep it under control. Being tied directly to my mood doesn't help."
"I'm afraid it gets somewhat worse," Ozpin added. "As I'm sure you are aware, Joan is legally married to Qrow, who happens to be your real father."
Weiss's pale face grew even paler and Joan shrank to the floor with a groan. "Oh no…I'm technically her stepmom now, aren't I?"
"For all legal purposes, yes."
…
"You asked me out to the goddamned dance!" Weiss hissed and pointed a finger accusingly at the blonde next to her, anger and despair fading away to embarrassment and horror. "You know what that means!?"
"Stay off the internet for awhile?" Joan offered helpfully. "Or maybe have Ruby burn the rest of Blake's books? In my defense I didn't exactly plan on this. Nor did I know at the time. Since when do you care that much?"
"Because somehow, we're the same age and yet you are my stepmother? Has that crossed your mind? What am I going to tell my team!?"
"Nothing. It doesn't need to get out. Qrow and I talked about it last night on our date. Only you needed to know. Simple as that."
Okay, to be fair, it wasn't that simple. Hell everyone in the office knew it was a lot more complicated than that.
"So I get dragged away from lunch to hear that some drunken old huntsman is my biological father and that you, the dunce who once asked me out, is now my stepmother." Weiss looked like she wanted to live out the rest of her life in a cave. "What did I do to deserve this?"
"Hey, you got some of my charm," Qrow said encouragingly. "You don't take shit from anyone, and you have a drive to get better than you are now. And with you now out of Atlas…Jacque can't lay a hand on you anymore. You're free of his influence."
"I doubt I'll ever be free of that man," Weiss said sourly. "Not unless he ends up in a prison and the company gets passed down to me. Which now that will never happen. Why would he hand the company to me when I'm not even his daughter?"
"Jacque is a cruel man, I agree," Qrow murmured. "But if he's aware that you now know the truth, he won't try anything."
"Why? He isn't scared of anyone." Weiss scoffed.
"That's…actually not true," Ozpin corrected. "There are several he is frightened of. One of them is myself for the power I used to help create Atlas. The second is James Ironwood, the headmaster of Atlas Academy and General of the entire kingdom's military. The third is Qrow, a man who specializes in taking down rogue huntsmen and huntresses and has become somewhat of a global celebrity, known for his work."
"And his poor taste in alcohol." Weiss wrinkled her nose. "I can smell the cheap whiskey from here."
Joan gave her husband a firm stare and he put his hands up. "Hey, I haven't had more than a mouthful. Scout's honor."
"Not the goddamn point, Qrow." Joan scowled and stood up to march over and jab him in the chest. "Just because it helps numb your semblance for five minutes doesn't mean you should be day drinking!"
Ozpin merely sighed and looked over at Weiss as the blonde began to tear her husband a new one. "Rest assured, your father cannot harm you while you are here at Beacon. With the threats safely contained and Mistral needing a new headmaster after their late one met a tragic end, he will be focusing entirely on the profits he can make there."
"Thank you sir." Weiss bowed her head respectfully, glancing over at Qrow. "It's just…hard to believe that he's my dad and not…"
"An utter piece of shit?" Qrow offered helpfully. "Look, if we could have gotten away with it without having to go through miles of red tape and scandals, your mom and I would have been able to do a lot more and provide for you. I don't think sending the lien to custom make your weapon was enough."
"I wondered where Mother got that money from. She said it wasn't from…him."
"You're welcome. Doesn't make up for not being there, but you're on the right path. You've got a lot to learn still, but you'll go far as long as you never stop learning. One day in the field is about the same as one month here."
Joan folded her arms with a huff, facing the heiress and leaning against her husband to prevent him from trying to sneak more drink. "Trust me, while I'm sure all the stepmom jokes in the world won't ease this, at least you have family here. Yeah, I know. My husband is a jackass."
She ignored the, 'Hey' of protest and continued on. "But I know that he'll do whatever it takes now to be the father you never had. Even with his semblance."
"Qrow, if I may, how has your semblance been lately?" Ozpin asked. "I have taken notice that there aren't nearly as many accidents around you in the past few weeks."
"Thank Blondie here." Qrow patted Joan's hair, the blonde purring at his touch. "She was the one who noticed that my semblance is tied to my mental state. Shit mood, bad luck. Good mood, good luck. Neutral, no luck period."
"So your union, as unorthodox as it was, has turned out to be quite a pleasant surprise for you. I think the words you are searching for are, 'you're welcome'." Ozpin smirked a little.
"Not happening." The raven haired man snorted. He and the headmaster shared a brief chuckle before Qrow turned to Winter, the eldest Schnee daughter standing rigid at attention as if she expected General Ironwood to walk in at any moment. "I'll keep her safe. I promise."
"You better. Otherwise I'll hurt you. More," Winter threatened.
"Oh please will you two shut up?" Weiss rolled her eyes. "God. It's like dealing with a bickering couple except you haven't been sleeping together."
"Recently." Ozpin pushed his glasses up his nose. When Winter faced him with a horrified look and Weiss retched, he sighed. "Oh please. Own up to it already."
"N-not—"
"Winter, stop talking."
Qrow scowled and started to slowly walk towards the elevator, trying to be as discreet as possible. However, he wasn't as stealthy as he liked to think he was, for Joan and Ozpin both watched him trying to get away from the two squabbling Schnees.
Ozpin cleared his throat loudly, staring at Qrow with the corner of his lip twitching in amusement. "Going so soon? And I was just about to make some tea."
"I, um…" The red eyed man looked briefly at Joan and pulled the biggest lie that had ever been told at Beacon. "I have to go finish grading some tests. A little behind with it thanks to this fiasco." Weiss let out a cough that sounded suspiciously like, 'Bullshit'.
So did Ozpin.
'Help me out,' Qrow mouthed at the blonde.
"He also has my detention to oversee," Joan added, hoping to get out so she wouldn't have to deal with the endless teasing. She knew Ozpin was a bastard like that.
"That isn't due for another three hours," the grey haired headmaster deadpanned. "Try a little harder."
"Okay fine. I want to use this free period to kiss him." Joan rolled her eyes. "Is that what you want to hear?" Now truth be told she hadn't actually intended on it, but now it was looking like a great way to get out of the most awkward family meeting ever. The only way it could be worse was if her parents came in next.
Ozpin stopped for a moment, coughing into his mug. "I, um…ahem. I must have misheard you, because it sounded to me as if you wanted to use your free period to make out with your husband. Who is also a professor here."
"You heard right." The blonde folded her arms. "Now can I go?"
"Of course. Please do not let me stop you. I still a few moments with Ms. Schnee here." He glanced at Weiss. Oh boy, the paperwork he'd have to fill out for this one. "Qrow, you are also free to leave. James will be calling soon too."
"See you around later…Weiss," Qrow said softly, glancing over his shoulder at his biological daughter.
"Sure…" Weiss fidgeted with the hem of her dress. "Later…"
Joan and Qrow both went to the elevator, fully knowing that everyone else was staring at their backs. The minute the doors pinged shut, the huntsman let out a sigh of relief. "I can't believe that actually worked. Good thinking."
"Oh will you just shut it." Joan pounced on him, pinning him against the elevator wall to kiss him. Her husband grunted as his back slammed into the wall and briefly broke apart to regain his breath before they dived back into it.
The blonde jumped up and he caught her, her legs wrapping around his waist with her arms locked around his neck. She let out a squeak as he felt her backside, weaving her hands up to tug at his messy hair.
"Aren't you feisty today?" Qrow rumbled. Oh God how that growl sent a shiver up her spine.
"Haven't been able to stop thinking how good of a kisser you are." Joan let out a weak mewl as his lips traveled up and down her neck, gripping a little tighter. "O-ooh~…"
The elevator stopped and when it opened they were greeted by one of the school's janitors, mopping the floor. He looked up at them and snorted in annoyance, grumbling something about horny young adults not knowing how to keep it in their pants before going back to his task.
Joan looked at Qrow and didn't mind that she was dangling off the ground. "So…how long till your next class?"
"About thirty minutes. Why?"
"I can think of a good way to spend that time~."
"You are horribly naughty." Qrow laughed and repositioned to drag a thumb over her lips. "I think I'll oblige."
A/N: No they aren't fucking. Just a nice kissing session because I'm a sucker for it. Don't give me that look; it is fucking amazing to be in an office chair making out with your significant other. Especially if you got some slow jazz playing.
-Classiest#8332
