A/N: So how did this blasphemy take off again? Because I have no fucking idea how this has worked. I started this thinking I'd be executed.

Fuck. This did not go according to plan. Have filth because I gave in to the temptation of lood.

An Unlucky Drunken Marriage

Summary: Qrow just wanted to relax after a long time away on a mission. Celebrating by hitting the new nightclub that opened up seemed good in his mind. Too bad he ended up drunkenly marrying a cute blonde knight in the process.

*Positioning*

There was one thing Joan did like about Qrow's new apartment. For one, it was a lot more spacious than her team's dormitory and Ozpin had no reason to not visit her husband on off days. Plus, it got her away from having to be on damage control for awhile.

Ren was there to make sure Nora didn't do anything stupid like raid the cafeteria for syrup or try and break into Ozpin's office to steal his coffee supply. Nice try, Ren was in on the bullshit and took special care to use any methods he deemed necessary to stop her.

Apparently, having his head between her 'thunder thighs' worked. Thanks for the details. Really appreciate it. No, really.

"H-haaa~…" Joan let out a moan and glared down between her shaking legs at the pair of pale red eyes glowing with mirth. "N-no fair…I have to finish ahhhh~!"

Qrow's tongue swirled around her womanhood and he smirked victoriously. She knew this was just his way of getting payback for her stunt earlier in the week but it felt so damn good. The little voice in the back of her head saying it was a bad idea to agree had all but shut up now.

Her husband continued pleasuring her as she tried to finish an essay that Doctor Oobleck had issued them the other day, the blonde shaking too much to keep a steady hand. Her pen slipped between her fingers as a powerful tongue entered her and she fell limp in the office chair, her own tongue rolling out of the corner of her mouth. Joan didn't realise it at first but she was now clutching Qrow's messy hair to keep him in place. Her thighs trembled and she greedily moved her hips into his mouth, wanting more.

"M-more~…" A pathetic whimper left her lips and she crossed her legs behind his head. She didn't want him to stop anytime soon. To hell with this damn essay; it wasn't due until next Tuesday, which was plenty of time for her to get it done. She was already halfway done with it. Joan could afford to have a bit of fun with her husband and his talented tongue.

According to him, there was no better cure for headaches than having an orgasm. Makes sense. Somewhat. What the hell did she know besides the basics and the crap she picked up from Blake's terrible smut books? For the most part, she didn't have a clue. But luckily for her, it didn't take a genius to know that when Qrow said he was good in bed, he was good. Every prod of his tongue was precise, solely focused on the goal of getting her off.

And by the Brothers, he was succeeding.

Joan moaned, feeling his tongue writhe about and she felt an unbearable heat begin to build up in her core. If Qrow kept it up, she might as well forget about doing anything unless it involved cuddling him in bed and stealing his body heat. Just because she grew up in Anvil didn't mean she enjoyed the cold winter winds that came from the mountains.

"Q-qrow~!" Joan's thighs shook and her husband reached around to give her butt a firm squeeze. His pale eyes met hers and she nearly came at the slightest wriggle. He growled into her wet folds and she moaned again, the blonde being lifted a little so he could get better positioning. This was so not fair, but she wouldn't trade it. Not for anything right now.

If this was how he treated her when he was toying with her, she quivered in excitement at the thought of how he'd be going all out. Judging by this display, she'd wear the face of someone who had been fucked silly.

Now that would be something she'd never hear the end of if it ever got out. It would spread like a wildfire. The damn school already knew about their marriage; them having the rough and shameful kind of sex would give them fuel for years.

The day a teacher fucked the living shit out of his wife. Who also happened to be one of his students. It was more unusual that Ozpin was more than content to turn a blind eye to their extracurricular activities as long as they didn't get caught doing something inappropriate. Or, as shown in the meeting with General Ironwood earlier in the week, he'd try and encourage it if only to tease Qrow.

Heat spread to other places of her body as she recalled just how in tune Ozpin's innuendos were with her performance. Poor Qrow suffered through it, but he kept his cool throughout her entire handjob/blowjob. She was nervous as all hell at first when his length came out of his trousers, but her newfound confidence took over and she tried her best to give him something he'd remember.

And he definitely did. Hence why he was between her legs licking away right now. The noises she was making would make Blake blush, her mind going blank the more Qrow worked on her. Her release was drawn out and violent, her mouth open in a loud wanton scream. Her thighs trembled and she could feel herself trying to suck Qrow's tongue deeper inside. He didn't pull away until she regained her senses, the raven haired huntsman smirking in triumph. "Think I'll take that win."

Joan panted for breath and scooted back to let him get up, her legs feeling like two piles of Jell-O pudding. "Qrow…I can't feel my legs~." She whined as he gave her shaking legs each a quick kiss, but that complaint was quickly shot down when he pulled her in for a kiss of her own. The blonde blushed at the taste of herself on his lips, part of her enjoying the sheer lewdness of it. Her tongue swirled around his for a few moments, moaning into it upon feeling him grope her butt.

He pulled away, letting her drape her arms around his neck and wrap her legs around his waist, carrying her with ease. "Enjoy it, Blondie?"

"Very much." Joan let out a purr and nuzzled his chest. "What time is it?"

"About half past ten. Why?"

"Bed. Now."

"Hey now." Qrow smirked. "You trying to say something?"

"I want your heat." Joan pouted. "I don't like the cold." Her puppy eyes still worked, for he didn't bother trying to put up a fight and carried her over to bed like a gentleman. The blonde cheered happily and pounced the second he joined her, burying her head into tight packs of muscle and latching onto him.

"You are a heat vampire," Qrow mumbled.

Joan purred in response.


Ozpin took a sip of cocoa and smiled at General Ironwood, handing out his hand towards a very angry Glynda standing to his right. "I believe you owe me? A bet is a bet."

Glynda glared at the headmaster and reluctantly slapped a pile of lien cards into his hand. That would cover the coffee expenses for the next week or two. "James…how did you not notice!?" She groaned in despair.

"I didn't believe Qrow was the type of person to allow it," James admitted. "There were no indications that he was receiving…" He trailed off and his face turned pink, pulling at his collar awkwardly. Ha. The general was embarrassed to say it.

"A blowjob?" Salem offered helpfully.

"Silence, wench. Go back to Horny Jail."

"James."

"What? She no longer wants to kill humanity because you slept with her," James deadpanned.

"He's got a point," Glynda added. "It's in his trousers, but it is a point nonetheless." Was old age finally getting to him, or did Ozpin actually see Glynda tilt her glasses down to look squarely at the general's crotch? And how did James not notice?

Must be the lack of caffeine. He hadn't been able to make a fresh cup of coffee since this morning. He needed it to function; thank fuck he now had money to put towards the school budget. Forty percent of which was dedicated solely for keeping the coffee flowing; he might have been the headmaster, but he never forgot how brutal the final exams at the end of the year were. Part of him felt pity for them. No one should have to suffer with so much paperwork.

"Moving on," Ozpin hastily interrupted before his academy turned into a haven for debauchery. Qrow was bad enough on a good day. He did not want to think how he was occupying himself at the present time. "Glynda, do please remind Team RWBY that venturing out into the Emerald Forest unsupervised is forbidden until they are at least a second year team, because if I have to do it myself, I'm making them fill out that during their detentions."

He pointed to the desk in the corner covered by an actual mountain of paperwork, the wood groaning under the strain of who knows how many pounds of paper sheets he hadn't bothered to sign or fill out yet. One leg looked like it was going to fall off and Ironwood snorted. "That's nothing. You should see how many after action reports I have to fill out on the daily."

"So in reality, you didn't come to watch the tournament. You came to get away from the horrifying evils of paperwork."

"That is correct."

That was honestly more believable than Ozpin liked. "How are your students progressing?"

"Well enough. Some of them could use a little steadier aim, but they are as ready as they'll ever be. It should be quite the event." James folded his hands behind his back. "Would you like to take part in another friendly bet? Credits as usual, of course."

"Depends." Ozpin sipped from his mug. "Is the wager on who wins the festival this year? Because I'm not sure if anyone is quite capable of being able to defeat Miss Nikos." She might have only been a first year student, but she was a generational talent; Nikos was the kind of huntress who only came onto the scene once every decade or so. He had monitored her progress ever since she won the Sanctum Academy tournament for the first time and knew talent when he saw it.

The last team that had her potential was the now defunct Team STRQ. Part of that mess was his fault. Raven had never liked him and was always suspicious that the immortal mage was hiding something. Well, it wasn't exactly hidden now, thanks to Salem crawling into his lap to steal her favorite source of heat, but still. Raven was always a bitch. Now she was a rotten bitch with about eighteen years worth of child support due.

Shit, now he was partially tempted to send Qrow out to bring her back from that stupid bandit tribe just to make her suffer through the paperwork she'd have to file. Qrow wasn't by any means a perfect angel himself; his affair with Willow was proof enough of that. But he at least would admit he would be a shitty parent thanks to his semblance. Good chance any baby would die in the womb not to mention problems with the birth itself.

At least, before his marriage. Write in the 'Thank you' cards anytime now. 'I believe the words Qrow should say are something along the lines of, 'Thanks for helping find a way to make me less miserable and control my semblance better'.'

James looked at Salem wiggling in Ozpin's lap and decided he had enough of an amorous immortal witch for one day. "I'll get back to you on that bet at a later time. I feel a headache coming on all of a sudden and I have no desire to be around her when it hits." He pointed at Salem.

"Who, me?" the witch asked innocently. "I haven't done anything in years. Besides turn the cowardly lion."

Ozpin snorted into his mug. Great way to word that. "You may be correct. That doesn't mean I like it."

James and Glynda decided enough was enough and sodded off. "Call us when you two are done. I have work to do."

The elevator door shut with much more force than it ever had and Salem wiggled her eyebrows at her favorite thing to ride. "So…are you busy this afternoon? I found some new rope~."

Fuck that mountain of paperwork. He was no not in the mood to deal with it, mainly because he didn't want to remember it. Ozpin was by no means a stranger to seeing some of the dumb things teenagers would get themselves involved with; Team STRQ was nearly expelled on a few separate occasions with the ones responsible being the Branwen twins.

But this…this was new. Now he understood why Joan had fucked off entirely to Qrow's apartment for the weekend and needed the break before her mind exploded out of honest to God sheer irritation.

Call it luck, but he just happened to be on a nice stroll through the Emerald Forest when he witnessed one of the most extreme circumstances of someone taking an order too literally. Miss Valkyrie of Team JNPR and Team RWBY were dragging giant combs through the forest. Upon him asking what they were doing, Nora proudly proclaimed they were following orders and combing the forest.

Ozpin's brain melted when he heard that. The first thing he did after his brain just sodded off was immediately raid the captain's quarters of James' ship for the strongest alcohol he could find. Normally he would frown upon drinking heavily having seen what it does to people (mainly Qrow), but after that, he needed it. Screw the inevitable hangover he'd get.

'Poor Joan has to deal with that for four years. I do hope Miss Valkyrie grows out of it. Otherwise…Team JNPR will be in for a world of trouble in the future.' "Why…do you have rope?"

He shuddered at Salem's evil grin and clicked a button under his desk to keep his office locked. "Right then…"


Joan whined and pressed her body firmly against Qrow, the blonde trying to wiggle her way into a much more comfortable position. Her husband smirked and wrapped his arms around her, the blonde purring as his hands settled on her stomach. "What, can't get comfortable?"

"Have trouble sleeping," Joan murmured. "Sometimes, it feels like I'm beating my head against a wall when it comes to dealing with my teammates." By that, she meant Nora. And Pyrrha's not so subtle crush on Weiss. Either the heiress was just painfully oblivious or just didn't care, but if neither of them acted she was going to shove them both into a janitorial closet and refuse to let them out until they stopped being dense.

"That bad, Blondie?" Qrow grimaced.

"Ugh." Joan groaned in annoyance. "Did I tell you what Nora got detention for? Or did Yang and Ruby fill you in?"

"Nope. That was one piece of news Oz spared me from. Just told me they were being idiotic."

"They were literally dragging a giant fucking comb through the Emerald Forest."

Qrow choked. "They were what?" He dug a finger into his ear and twisted. "My, uh, hearing isn't what it used to be. What the hell did you say they were doing again?"

"Dragging a comb through the forest and tried to claim they were following orders," the blonde deadpanned. "No, I'm not joking. They took the words that literally. I'm just glad Ozpin was the one who found them doing so instead of me, because I'm ninety percent sure my brain would have exploded out of pure annoyance and I'd start wringing necks."

"I didn't know you were into choking. Should I take notes?"

"Qrow!"

"Ha! You're cute when you blush." Qrow gave her a peck on the cheek and ducked under the lazy swipe. "Missed."

"Oh bite me." Joan rolled her eyes and yelped when she felt him nip her shoulder. "A-ah~!" She did not mean to make it sound like a moan. But it came out as one. Her face burned a tad bit hotter and she buried her head into a pillow with an embarrassed meep.

Shut up, she was not trying to prevent her thighs from rubbing together either.

"Sounds like someone has a naughty little secret." Qrow's breath felt good on her exposed neck and she bit down when he sucked away to leave a few bright red marks. "Want to talk about it?"

"…maybe I am a bit of a masochist at heart," Joan admitted, her voice muffled from the pillow over her head. "…please don't stop."

"Not worried about someone seeing you all marked up?" Qrow wiggled his eyebrows with that smug fucking smirk. Son of a bitch.

Joan shook her head and turned around to face him, one leg wrapping around his waist. "Not in the slightest~. Besides, it's not like our marriage is exactly secret anymore. We all know half of Beacon knows; they just don't care."

"So…is that a—"

"Oh fucking shut up and put that mouth of yours to work somewhere else."

The offer was there. Qrow looked down at his trousers, muttered something under his breath, and did as requested. "Fine, your highness."

"Aw, you gonna treat me like a princess now?"

"Nope. Like a queen." Qrow nipped along the back of her neck before stopping at her ears. "Oh, and wear something nice tomorrow."

Joan purred in content. Going somewhere that wasn't Beacon or a bedroom with her husband was always such a delight.

"Something that goes nice with those cute thigh highs."

The blonde could only shiver and it wasn't from the cold.

A/N: *looks for 'Sorry'. Item not found* Nope. Couldn't resist. "Are we being too literal?"

"No you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it."

Also, back pain can fuck right off. Shit sucks. Thank God edibles exist. Don't forget to check out the poll and as always, enjoy the lewdness.

-Kagerou#0007