One of those times
Pairing:
Sara/Catherine (slash) don't like don't read
Rating:
PG 13
Spoilers:
Committed
P.O.V:
Sara's
"Baby – are you okay? What happened tonight?"
I turned my head and looked up to where she was stood in the door way, you're blond hair falling softly to your shoulders – the loving concern from your eyes. You have spoken to Grissom – or more like he came and found you to tell you to go hold your girl is that it? Did he tell you that I need you? I could have been killed – is that what you want to hear? Of course not because you worry enough as it is. "I'm fine" I tell you.
I remember, the moment her pushed that blade into my neck – the only person that I could think about was you. The only person I wanted to be with was you. Now though, I feel weak, like I failed you. I'd always promised that there was nothing to worry about; nothing would happen to me and promised that I'd always be here for you. I don't think anyone will ever realize just how close I came to losing you today, to losing everything.
"You don't look it" is that fear I hear in your voice. I shrug my shoulders and stand up, walking over to my locker I pull open the door.
"You know how to make a girl feel good" I mumble, feeling that you need some of my overly used sarcasm. To let you know you haven't fully lost me into the pain of what tonight brought.
You know when I'm trying to get away, you always know. I hear you walking through the locker room until you're behind me. "You look like shit" you tell me. I have to smile, and slowly I turn – I'm facing you.
"What did he tell you?" I ask, needing to know what Grissom had said.
"That you were in here, and that I might want to make sure you're okay. What happened at the scene?" You ask.
"I fucked up" I smirk, a sad smile even I know that, "what's new?" I ask
"I'm worried about you" You tell me after a short silence, you don't like the way I'm avoiding your concern – is that it? Would you rather I folded up into your arms and cried. I can't, I'm sorry.
"I'm here aren't I?"
"I'm not sure – are you? Are you here with me?" You ask, "You seem like your off in you head somewhere"
Yeah my safe place, the one where I don't have to deal with all this shit - I think.
"I'm right here" I tell you instead.
It's in this moment you decided to test me; you want to know I'm with you – so you lean forward and you press your lips softly against mine. I don't respond, I feel your tongue gently glide across my lower lip I realize that you want more than I'm giving you. You want more than I can give. I don't respond. I'm not here with you at all am I? You get the picture – you pull back slowly and look into my eyes – I'm no where near here.
"What's happened?" you ask again.
I don't respond this time, I'm just looking into your blue eyes, filled with so much concern. Moving your hand from where it was on my waist you brought it up to my neck and slowly pusher the hair from my face and behind my ear. It is here, at this point, that you see the red mark that runs across my neck where the ceramic weapon had been held to my throat – the look on your face changes. You're angry yet still sensitive and loving. "I fucked up" I tell you with a shrug.
You run your finger softly over my wound and then lock eyes with me again – "Who did this?"
"Doesn't matter" I tell you as I pull away and walk around the locker room so I'm on the other side of the bench – it's putting some distance between us. I turn to face you –
"It does to me" You shout.
"You want to know then read the case file – ask Grissom, I just don't want to talk about this" I tell you. I can't talk about this. My voice holds the pain, the failure. I turn and walk away.
"Where are you going?" You shout. I don't know what has you more angry, that I'm walking out of her away from you – or that I let someone do this.
"Need to be alone"
I need to break down, I need to crumble. I need space –
You know what, to be honest I have no idea what I need, I just know that I need to get away from here. To get away from this job, this life of mine – I need to get out of this place – and you know why? Because I'm scared, for the first time I'm really scared.
"Sara"
I shake my head, and leave you, standing in the Locker room.
You'll understand, at some point. May not be today, or tomorrow or in three years – but some day you'll understand – some things I just need to do by myself. And this, it's one of them.
This is one of the many times in our relationship that I walk out on you, while all you want to do is hold me. It's just how it is. I can't change that…
Just know-
I'll always come back.
Once again thankyou so much. For reading, and for reviewing the last chap. it means alot :)
