How
Far
Pairing: Sara/Catherine (slash) don't like don't
read
Rating: PG 13
Spoilers: none
P.O.V: Sara's
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving; go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far
(How far- Martina McBride)
"Damn it…what the hell did he do to you?"
I stopped, knowing instantly who it was stood behind me – I looked up at the reflection in the mirror and locked eyes with Catherine Willows, hell, I should have known she'd find out. She didn't waist anytime, she took hold of my arm and turned me so I was now facing her – I lent back on the sink and moved my eyes from hers to our feet. We were stood toe to toe…she was so close I could feel her breath on me. Usually I found it so comforting but right now, I felt suppressed, as if been held down. I felt scared – not of Catherine herself but of whom she was looking at, scared of me!
"I'm fine" I mumble – oh real convincing, I didn't expect her to leave it at that anyway.
"Look at you…your not fine" She sighed, she moved her hand to my face. I was too embarrassed to look up at her.
"Who told you?" my voice was low; too low as her fingers traced the side where I could already feel bruise.
"Grissom, he's worried. They all are" She explained softly, she protectively placed a hand on my waist – I don't think I knew what she was doing, she forgot I'm CSI though. We've been going out for a little over a month and a half and when she did this she was looking for answers but not directly asking – so she's not pressuring me.
"I'm fine" I explain, trying harder this time to make her believe it.
"You're not, your shaking…talk to me Sar" I closed my eyes, I tried to stop the shaking that I knew was running from my hand up my arm. I couldn't help it. This isn't how it was meant to be – I was supposed to be able to hold my own…not like this. Why couldn't she just leave me? Let me deal with it.
"Tell me what happened out there?" She wanted, she needed to know. I could tell that much.
"What they haven't already?" I asked a little cold – even I'll admit it.
Catherine became a little harsher, "They came into my lab, told me you were attacked…I didn't stop to get the details. I got up and came straight to you" I could tell she was pissed at the way I was acting but, this is how I dealt with things. Kept them locked up inside… the truth was I was having trouble dealing with this myself.
"We went to question the guy, things were going okay until…he…" Damn it, I can't tell her. Mostly because I don't want to worry her – that's all this will do. I look directly into the loving eyes that I know will be hurting if I push her away or hold back. "…he jumped me…he got to me before Brass got to him. I just took a beating...then he pulled a gun. The butt hit my face…" I looked up at her, it was as if she was waiting for me to say more, there was nothing more though – "That's all" I tell her.
"That's all? Sara…" She was pissed and caring all at once if it was possible.
"What" I shot back. "Don't Sara me…?"
"Why are you been like this…he could have killed you? I just got you Sara…I'm not losing you now" Catherine shouted at me, like I was the one who cause this. It wasn't me…I didn't do this shit to myself. I shook my head in disbelief and looked to my feet – I moved her hand from my waist and her hand from my face – she took a step back and looked at me. All I could see was hurt – and it was killing me knowing I caused that look - "Don't you understand…" She asked me if I understood. It was the only god damn thing I have been thinking off – damn it, I understood more than she knew.
"No I don't" I shouted. Stepping forward I threw the towels in the bin and then looked her dead in the eyes, "I don't understand how this ended up been a you and me thing"
"What?" Catherine growled in frustration, "You don't see how a gun been held to your head is a you and me thing. Let me break this down for you Sar…without a you…there is no us! You get me…and I don't want that"
"And I do?" seeing her like this pissed me off, I wasn't angry at her – I felt exactly like that – I was angry at the guy who did this. "Just…I can't do this…"
"I can't talk to you when you're like this…" She shouted, "Hell, I can't ever talk to you"
"Talk to me? Stop treating me like I'm a kid. God damn it…" I was taking this all out on her and it wasn't fair. But I couldn't help it. Our voices had now risen to a shout – I wouldn't be surprised if the lab could hear us now.
"Why are you doing this to me? Why are you pushing me away?" She asked. I didn't know how to answer that. I knew what the answer was…just not how to say it.
"Why are you acting like I left here, setting out to get shot?" I asked, now calm.
"I'm not saying that…"
"It's the job C, don't you get that…I can't control what someone does to me out there. And you can't take it out on me" Surprisingly anger had deflated between us – as I just looked at the woman that I loved.
"I'm worried about you"
"Don't be" I shot back. Man, I hate my self right now – why was I hurting her?
"Your reckless, you know that. You are out of control. Your not invincible Sara… believe it or not you can end up like all the victims we see. You can end up on the slab." Her voice was filled with anger I knew I was partly responsible for.
"You think I don't know that?" My hand was shaking and I could do nothing to stop it. "Hell, that's all I can think of – every time I walk through these doors into the lab, every time I'm at a scene – every god damn time I close my eyes. Don't you see why I don't want to talk about this? DON'T YOU?" My voice was filled with so much anger, I'd never shouted at her like this. She was now stood a little closer again – she hadn't ever seen this side of me, she actually looked a little shocked. "I'm terrified…" I explained with my tone lower, "I'm…" my voice cracked as I looked away to the floor.
Then I felt her hand on mine, trying to stop it from shaking, "Your what?" she asked
I was trying to stop from crying, hell the tears burned my eyes but still I refused. "Sar – Hun look…please talk"
"Don't you see how hard this is for me…I deal by keeping it locked away. I can't just change" I looked to where her hand held mine; I knew that she wasn't going to leave this. "I'm used to been on my own. Cath, I don't do this well?" I was pleading with her,
"What? What is it that we are doing?" she asked me,
"We are ripping into me, you want me to talk and I don't do talking…not about my feelings" I stopped, and then locked eyes with hers. "I know you want me to talk but…I can't. I need time. Catherine, I've never had anyone who gave a shit before, I don't know how to do this. Please let me sort it out – and I'll come to you when I'm ready."
"When will that be? After the next mad man attacks you? After you're put in hospital? When?" She was holding onto my hand like if she'd let go she'd lose me – if she let go I know I may lose myself but, I needed space. Space to fix it all out in my head.
-----------
Hell I'd gotten my space – I drove far out into the desert off the strip – must have been for at least an hour before I pulled the Tahoe to the side and just sat. My mind was running over the case, about what happened there with Brass and then most importantly my relationship with Catherine. I had never cried like this – not in a long time and truthfully I have no idea what pushed me over the edge. It just felt as though my chest burned, what the hell was going on?
Now, it was eleven in the morning, as I drove back into the city the only thing that was running through my head was how close I got - too close to losing everything last night. I was on auto pilot …
Knocking on the front door I waited for it to be opened. She was probably asleep now – having only gotten home from shift a few hours ago. When it got pulled open I could tell she'd been crying –
"Sorry…if I…woke you" I offered softly as I lent on the door frame.
"You didn't…I couldn't sleep…" She blurted out straight to the point, I just looked to the floor – "I've called you…about six times"
I nodded my head, "I know…"
"You know…I've sat wondering what the hell was going on, where you where. If you were okay, I fucking convinced myself something had happened to you. Why didn't you answer?"
"Can we not do this out here?" I asked, realizing that the neighbors were starting to watch. She just turned and walked back into the house. Taking a deep breath I followed, shutting the door and walked through to where she was stood in the living room. Looking at me, arms crossed "How far are you going to push me away Sara, you can only push a person so far"
I don't answer her question, I'm just looking into her eyes until I realize I have to talk "Where's Lindsay?" I asked, not wanting to do this with her around.
"My sisters, I asked her to look after her for a little while" Catherine explained, "I didn't want her to be here when we did this"
"Did what?" I asked, wanting to know just what it was Catherine was thinking.
"Sorted this out…the balls in your court Sara, Do you want to end the relationship?"
I was shocked, "what?"
"You hared me…do you want it to end. Is that why you're pushing me away."
"No…" I tell her straight, I stand in front of her wishing none of this was happening "This is the only thing that I've got in my life worth holding onto. You're what I wake up for…I love you" I explain wanting her to see that. I hared her breath a sigh of relief, but I had to ask. "IS that what you want? I mean…I understand if it is because I'm…"
"No…Sara, all I want is for you to open up to me. Not to push me away." She explained.
"I'm…" I stopped, turning my back I looked behind me, before looking back at her, "I'm sorry… that I left last night." Looking into her eyes I knew she wanted me to continue, she wanted an explanation. Reluctantly I begin and my voice sounds weak even to my own ears "I'm just so scared; I'm so messed up right now. Don't you see that?" I asked quietly.
"Yeah, I do. I see that and I want to help you Sar" she was becoming less angered now, as she stepped forward towards me.
"I just had to sort it out up here…up in my own head" I explained
"SO, you ready to talk now?"
I shrugged, "As ready as I'll ever be…" I explain, "Look, last night when he jumped me I wasn't scared of dieing I'll admit that. And I know that it kills you because I'm so careless or reckless or what ever you want to call it – but last night I realized something – that I may never have seen you again. If Brass never pulled his gun in time, if he was just a second later- I'd never have been able to hold you in my arms, or love anymore. I was so scared. It was easier for me to push you away…distance myself from my fear. I love you…that's all there is to it. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone." I don't know if it's making sense, it's just all coming out of my mouth un controllably – my hands shaking again and the tears trail slowly down my cheek – defiantly - as I do my best to hold them back. I look up and lock eyes with her as she takes my hand to quieting me. I do shut up with the rambling and just look at her.
"I…" She stuttered, "I love you Sara…and I'll always love you" I nodded softly as I lent forward and shared a deep, long passionate kiss. When we pulled back for the much needed air she continued as she rested her forehead on mine – "I can't do this without you anymore Sara…you mean too much to me. If anything ever happens to you…"
I stop her by moving my hand to her waist, "I promise, after last night … it's going to change. My attitude when I'm at work. Before I didn't have anyone to hurt if I was killed or…you know. But now…I've got you. And, I'm not going to leave you. As long as you want me around…I'll be here."
Catherine buried her head in my neck, and pushed her fingers into my hair "I'll always want you here. You got that? Always"
well that's number 3 - I know it's a little longer than the others, just another way that Sara struggles to deal with having somone else to look out for her. Thankyou all so much for the review. Some Catherine POVs soon - promise. thankyou.
BTW if any of you have and little situations you'd like to see between C and S just post them in a review and i'll see what i can do or send me a PM.
