Chapter dedicated to AilciA, because without that little idea she threw into her review I wouldn't have continued:)
"The pollen stimulates the ovaries to produce eggs, which the queen lays in batches of 4 - 16 on the ball of pollen, this is then covered with wax." A british woman's voiceover was heard loudly out of the small television speakers.
"The ball of pollen with the eggs is placed within reach of the honey pot; this enables the queen to brood the eggs and drink honey at the same time."
"Oh Lord," House groaned and rolled his head back as the image of a few bumblebees clumped together appeared on the screen doing.. something.
He looked around the room while the annoying woman's voice talked on. They were all practically asleep. The one they called 'Sunshine Diaper Guy' was sitting upright in his motorized wheel chair, chin down at his chest, both arms curled around the handles. The one they called Gene was sitting in the middle of the couch intently watching the show (maybe), with a bowl of oatmeal or some other goop sitting on his lap untouched. Ernest was asleep, Faith was asleep, Daphne was drooling, and Pete was in the corner playing a game of chess with himself.
House and Wilson sat just beyond the tv viewing area, wheelchairs side by side "watching" the bumblebee show that one of the nurses had put on for them. No foul words, no backstabbing, no nudity, no anger, no reality, and no drama at all. Everything House loved in a good old fashioned tv show. The nurses figured one heart attack was one too many, so everyone suffered. Not like anybody was even aware of anything but House and Wilson.
"- Bumblebees are very hairy, but the underside of the abdomen has a bare patch, and so the heat from the queen's body-"
"That's it, I'm changing the channel." House spotted the remote sitting beneath the tv on a shelf and started wheeling himself in that general direction.
"Come on, bumblebees are.. interesting," Wilson called out to his back.
"Do these people look interested?" he turned his head to the side and asked back not stopping his crusade for the remote.
Wilson glanced around at all the oldies collapsed around the room and raised his eyebrow. He hadn't noticed before, but him and House were the only two people actually "watching" the television.
"And what are you going to put on, some horror movie with walking zombies stalking after young women with big breasts? You'll kill these guys!" Wilson motioned towards the room who had most likely not even heard a word he'd said.
"You'd like that wouldn't you?"
House put the remote on his lap and wheeled back over to Wilson, going around a couch to get back.
"Well I-"
"-You're nasty that's what you are, nasty, nasty Wilson."
"-I am not-"
"You're nasty and old. And I have just the show," House said and looked down at his watch to make sure his internal tv guide was right. The remote was held up and he flipped the channel.
Some sort of new-age pop/rap/techno stuff started blaring from the speakers and House upped the volume a few notches.The screen was newly covered with skin as young people danced on a beach wearing nothing but skimpy string bikinis and sunglasses.
"Don't you find this just a little bit creepy?" Wilson asked, but didn't tear his eyes from the screen. A cute blonde was getting some good air time.
"What," House asked, his eyes also sitting on the blonde, even though he preferred brunettes, really. But hell, he was 85 years old, he'd watch anything that didn't play bingo.
"When those girls were born, you were in your sixties. You could easily be one of those girls' great grandfather and not even know it," Wilson grinned to himself hoping that would spark a horrified response out of his aging friend, but nothing could horrify House. Except for the image of Cameron with white afro hair wearing floral Sunday dresses bouncing her grandkids on her knee when her arthritis would let her do it.
"But I'm not, so it doesn't make me as perverted as you," House said deviantly.
"What? Now I'm perverted? When did we come to that conclusion?"
"When I saw the look you were giving that hot little number Sandra, over dinner tonight," House took his attention off the television and pointed to a Japanese woman sitting in the corner of the room with a respirator hooked up to her face and an IV bag hanging on her left side.
Wilson snorted and was about to say something equally 'observant' when one of the oldies woke up and noticed the new program on the television.
"What happened to the bumblebee! I want the bumblebee, what did you do with the bumblebee!" Gene sat up wildly and shouted in a hoarse voice to the people on the television screen as if they had came and scared the cute bumblebees away while he had slept for 5 minutes.
"Calm down Grandpa, this is better. Maybe you could pick up a few tips to get it on with Grandma back in your room," House called out and settled back in his chair, remote still in his power.
"You're mean," Wilson smiled, took a sideways glance at him, and then back to the tv. Now the people on screen were pretending to play summer sports like frisbee and volleyball.
"I'm helping another brother out, he needs to get laid."
"And when's the last time you got laid, huh?"
"About two minutes ago," House aanswered seriously and Wilson burst out in laughter not expecting to get that response at all. House smiled smugly and didn't even glance the whole time at Wilson.
"My granddaughter likes bumblebees, put it back on!" Gene said angrily from the couch not even looking to see who held the magic remote.
House rolled his eyes at the guy's desperation.
"Your granddaughter is probably thirty," House mumbled back, playing around with the remote in his right hand.
"Bumblebees!"
House sighed loudly, dramtically lifted up the remote and pressed 'last'. The british woman was back and now talking about the bumblebees' mating lifestyle.
"Well, at least the bees are having fun," Wilson sighed and said more to himself than his wheelchair buddy.
"Can you keep a secret?" House suddenly asked, cutting his 'heavy concentration' with the natonal geographic show and turned to Wilson.
Wilson looked at him wondering why he would even have to ask that question. Who was he going to tell?
"Of course."
House looked around the room to the left and right making sure nobody was even attempting to listen and then he leaned over his wheelchair handle, blue eyes as blue as winter ice.
"I'm breaking out of this joint," he said quietly and then looked around again for prying eyes and ears.
"You're what? You're breaking out of a Retirement Home, have you absolutely lost your mind?" Wilson asked and then he leaned in quickly, eyes narrowed, voice lowered, "You'll never make it. The watchtowers, the guards.."
House held up his hands, "I'll figure it out. Picture it Jimmy.. Pepperoni pizza, a few beers, good music." He looked up into space and Wilson joined as they both stared at an imaginary picture in the air.
Wilson tore away from the image and shook his head.
"No, you'll never make it-"
"Oh I'll make it, and you're coming with me."
"Why? I love retirement homes." Wilson could barely even get it out with a straight face.
"Fantastic. The plan goes down in my room at 0800 hours." House sat straight in his chair again and pretended to be engrossed with the bumblebee show, even making the faces to match his intense fascination.
Yes, Wilson thought, this was going to be...interesting.
A/N: Thanks to all the great reviews! I'm keeping this one light hearted, so if you see any stereotypes about Retirement Homes, then ignore them because this is just for some light reading :) I've never even been to a Home, so believe it or not, my only source of information for one is Grandpa Simpson's Retirement Castle on The Simpsons LOL.
