It was as if the air had fled the apartment altogether; still, Dennis foolishly tried to take in a breath. "Mac, if you're mad at me, just yell at me." The vulnerability in his voice made him feel utterly exposed, but he couldn't stop himself from pleading. "I know that I can be a dick sometimes, but whatever I did, I can fix it."
"I'm not mad at you, Dennis." Mac replied with an edged tone that made his statement seem false. He sighed and continued with a soft expression of pure melancholy. "Believe me, I wish I was. It would make this easier."
"Make what easier?" Dennis recklessly burrowed himself in denial.
Mac sighed. "I realized that it's not fair for me to blame you. I changed, not you. You've just been trying to return to the way things were and I get it." Mac nodded. "I completely understand." He acknowledged. "But they can't. Things can't always remain the same." His brown eyes bore into Dennis. "No matter how badly we wished they would."
"What do you mean?" He found himself at a complete loss for words.
Mac sighed and met his gaze. "I'm going to start looking for a new place."
"I won't let you." Dennis heard the absolute childishness of his words and nearly cringed.
"You won't let me?!" He scoffed. "That's not how this works, Dennis. You, of all people should know that, especially after North Dakota." Dennis jaw clenched as he silently acknowledged the truth. Mac continued in a frustrated tone. "I didn't have to give my permission and even if I tried to, you never asked for it, you never gave me a heads-up. You just made up your mind and went." He sighed, sadly looking down. "Which was fine." The lie soaked his voice.
"It was your choice, and I knew that, I understood, and I respected you enough to shut my damn mouth." Mac aggravatedly shook his head, effectively stuffing down his sadness. "I still don't know why you even came back."
Dennis' brows lifted and he shrugged awkwardly. "I wasn't happy there; Mandy could see it and we both knew it wasn't right."
"Well, at least she cared enough to want you to be happy."
"Are you saying that that's what you want? To move out? That would make you happy?"
"Happier than I am now." Mac admitted sharply. "It's just too much."
"No," Dennis shook his head in desperation. "You don't need to do this." He sighed. "Is this about yesterday, with Terrence? Are you trying to move in with him? Is that what this is about?" He foolishly grasped.
"What? No, I'm not a lesbian!" Mac blurted before loudly groaning. "Why do you refuse to understand?" He sighed defeatedly. "This has nothing to do with Terrence and me. This has to do with you and me."
"I find that hard to believe when this all started yesterday."
"The only thing that started yesterday was this conversation, Dennis." Mac huffed irritably. "If I hadn't wasted so damn long avoiding it, I don't know," Mac sighed and shook his head. "Maybe it wouldn't be this bad, but regardless, it has nothing to do with anyone besides you and I."
"Yet, I get no say." He complained with as much passive aggression as he could manage.
"Not about my future, Dennis, no. You don't get a say in that." He asserted without a shred of complacency.
"Mac, this is crazy." Dennis wanted to shrug it off. "Things are so good right now. Don't do this."
"No, Dennis. They're good for you. In the past, I never wanted to jeopardize your happiness, so I let things go for too long, but I can't anymore." He shook his head. "The longer I stay with you, the more I push my own happiness off as an afterthought."
"No, come on, Mac." Dennis couldn't let the fight die, even if it had vanished from his voice. "We're stronger than this."
"There is no 'we' Dennis!" Mac bellowed impatiently. "There never was." He sighed. "It was always just two friends without properly established boundaries, that's all." Mac forced away the pain from his eyes. "This is going to be good for us, Dennis; you'll see."
"I don't believe you."
Mac almost shuddered at the transparent agony filling Dennis' face; his voice having never sounded so small. "Come on, Dennis." He gently tried to reason with him. "It'll be good for you. When was the last time you went on date?"
"What the hell does that have to do with anything?" Dennis asked with complete disinterest.
Mac was briefly taken aback by Dennis' apathy. "I guess, I just assumed you didn't want to end up alone."
"I never thought I'd have to think about it." Dennis admitted sadly.
Mac wanted to cave to the rare show of emotion, but he shook it off. "You shouldn't have just assumed that I'd never want my own life."
"I thought that is what this was."
"Not when you're trying to control me. The worst part is that I tell myself that it means you genuinely care about me as a person and then you completely disregard my most blatantly stated request."
"I'm sorry if I seemed uncompromising-"
"You have. Coming home from my date was so stressful." Mac sighed. "I just kept hoping you would be gone or in your room. I wanted to think you had heard me, that you would respect the very real possibility I might try to bring back a guy to the apartment. But you were just sitting there, and I understood that the thought never even crossed your mind."
Dennis knew how loudly his silence spoke. Mac cleared his throat and sighed. "You were on me immediately because things hadn't gone your way and you refused to let it lie. I know you're entitled, this isn't new, but you haven't let up an inch."
"Well, you keep upping the stakes." Dennis argued.
"They're not stakes. This isn't a game, Dennis. You just demand everything of me, and it makes me incapable of making room for anyone else."
"This is starting to sound like it might have something to do with Terrence." Dennis could hear the passive aggression in his voice as he interjected, but he couldn't stop himself.
"Get over Terrence for God's sake! It's over." Mac shouted.
"What?" Dennis sighed, feeling unjustifiably relieved. "Why?"
Mac sighed, annoyed that he had to unload everything, still he complied. "Before it even began. It was a couple things. Beyond me not being sophisticated enough for him and being so different, it was more that I realized I wouldn't even get the time to see if I wanted to overcome those things while I was stuck in this."
Mac downed his water bottle, having a rare craving for a cigarette. He leaned back against the counter, not wanting to look at Dennis. "I felt so trapped when I woke up this morning." He sighed. "I think I held my breath from door-to-door-to-door."
"What was the third door?" Dennis harmlessly ventured.
"Fridge." Mac answered equally gentle.
"Protein shake." Dennis knew as he nodded. Mac followed suit in response. The former sighed sympathetically. "That's a lot of breath holding."
Mac finally turned his gaze back to Dennis. The soft stare waiting for him made his gut clench and furthered his desperation to continue his argument. "I hated that feeling and I know it's never going to stop, because you can't help yourself. So, the thought crossed my mind and I tried to ignore it, but today." He sighed. "Nothing I said mattered."
"You treat me like I don't have concerns, cares or preferences; I'm just some supplemental, incomplete person to suit your needs and make your life simpler, but I don't want that anymore."
"Fine. What do you want?"
A puzzled expression overtook Mac's face. "I already told you what I want."
"No," Dennis steeled his nerve and stepped closer. "Moving out is your solution to get it, but what is it that you actually want.? That future you keep hinting at. What am I keeping you from?" Mac leaned further back, his eyes open and honest as he thought.
"It doesn't matter." He tried to shrug it off.
"You're saying that it does." Dennis genuinely wanted to know; to hear and picture it.
"I'm not sure I have the words."
"Try me." Dennis challenged.
Mac closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. "It's like I've always felt that I could be this great lover-"
Dennis snorted. "And people say I'm the narcissistic one."
Mac's expressive brows lifted even though his eyes stayed closed. "No, not like that, although," One brow lifted higher than the other before he shook his head. "No, what I'm trying to say is I always felt that I could give the strongest kind of love; that I would prioritize it over everything. I could study more to try and impress my mom, or I could try to be super tough for my dad. Whatever they wanted, if only they would just ask, but they never did." Mac forced a shrug, but Dennis knew his brown eyes were bitter molasses behind the lids.
As if he could hear Dennis' presumptions, he opened them, looking straight ahead and not at him.
"All I wanted was to give that love to someone who would accept it, who would want it." He cleared his throat. "And in a way, you did, for a long time. It's just that now I want something that is reciprocated. It's not enough to try and compartmentalize my feelings. I wish I could, but I know that I want something more."
"Sure, it's not all about holding hands, but I think I'd like that sometimes too. I want a relationship with physical intimacy and eventually I'd like a man to come home to."
"Well, what the hell am I then?" Dennis inquired, thankful to see that something in his voice caused Mac's eyes to meet his own.
"My roommate." He simplified.
"After how long we've known each other?" Dennis reminded.
"Of course, we're best friends. I never tried to dispute that. But friends are known to often spend hours apart. They're not usually a part of every category of one another's life. Regardless, that's not what I want."
"So, you want-?" Dennis swore he could feel the heat emanating from Mac.
"I want somebody that lets me touch them, that actually wants me to. A man to kiss and hold, maybe one day we might wake up in a bed that we share." Mac sighed. "It's not a lot, but it's more than I ever would've hoped to have and now I'm realizing that I still have a chance at it." He shook his head. "Maybe it's just a dream, but I have to try, don't I?"
"I thought you just wanted to date?"
Mac sighed. "Because I'm hoping one day it might eventually lead to something. I can't trust somebody overnight and I'm afraid to think how long it would take me to love someone or worse, how long it would take for someone to love me back."
"Not too long." Dennis admitted softly, reminiscing over his teenage years, how quickly he had gone from not knowing Mac to not being able let him go. How effortless it had been to come back directly after college. Now, more than 20 years later, Mac was his day and his night, the other person his life revolved around, and it felt right. He was his comfort and constant in a way that Dennis had never allowed himself to question, for fear what the answer might be.
Mac looked up at him and sighed. "Not everyone can be as self-assured as you, Dennis."
"I thought you wanted to be the ultimate lover." Dennis playfully teased.
Mac rolled his eyes. "That's not what I meant." He sighed. "I don't want to lose myself to someone else. But I'd like to share myself. I know it's confusing and doesn't totally make sense."
"I think I got it." Dennis offered.
"I just want to find someone I feel comfortable with." He tried to simplify.
"I feel comfortable with you." Dennis said with undeniable truth.
"It's not the same."
"I know." Dennis sipped his water and nodded, more to himself, as he acknowledged all the things, he had tried so hard to ignore. "I do, but I also know that if I had to pick only one person to spend my time with, it'd be you." It often scared Dennis just how much Mac truly mattered to him. What they had was effortless and constant. If anyone could ever know the furthest depths of him, it was Mac.
"That's how I feel too, but I'd hate to make that choice. I've never gotten the chance to be in love." He admitted sadly.
"Me either." Dennis cleared his throat.
"Not with Maureen…, I mean the first time." He clarified.
"No," Dennis shook his head and looked at him intently. "That was something else."
"Well, it's not like you care." Mac reasoned.
"Why do you just assume that?" Dennis refused to pout.
"Well, even though you don't want to live alone, you don't care about dating, so I figure a relationship is the last thing on your mind." Mac briefly bounced on his heels. "If you start seeing somebody, you'll be busy and maybe we could figure something out, it might be easier to fix this."
"I don't want to date." Dennis exhaled sharply, a foreboding tension beginning to grip his lungs.
"Dennis-"
"Mac, I-" Instinctually, he copied Mac's earlier example and clamped his eyes shut.
In his fabricated reality of darkness, he felt more inclined to unburden some honesty. "After Maureen and the divorce, even before, I realized that I couldn't see myself loving a woman for the rest of my life. Hell, I'm not even sure I could love one at all. There's a disconnect there and once my curiosity is quelled, my fleeting interest becomes the coldest indifference." He breathed deeply and opened his eyes.
"What are you saying?" Mac asked carefully.
Dennis gulped a breath. "The truth, even if I don't know what it means."
"You don't know what you're saying." Mac warned.
"Exactly!" Dennis sighed. "I'm good with the words when it comes to anything but feelings. Maybe that's the point."
"You're not making much sense." Mac tried to really listen.
"You make me feel more than anyone. A lot of the time it's frustration." He smirked. "But it's usually because I care."
Mac shook his head. "This isn't some ultimatum to force you to be with me."
Dennis cleared his throat. "I'm not saying that. There's just a thought I can't ignore. A question I have."
Dennis knew what he felt even if he couldn't find the words. Mac was his person and he never wanted to be without him, that wasn't what worried Dennis. It was that the attraction was not unrequited. He looked over Mac's familiarly handsome face, taking particular notice of the prickly beard that matured the sweet countenance and felt his chest constrict when Mac's eyes fell on him again. How many times had he touched him, had he ever been that close?
Mac sighed, his pained brows pulling together. "Dennis-"
"Would you do something for me?" Dennis' heart hammered violently in his chest, and he forced out steady breaths. When Mac's eyes met his own, he already knew the answer.
"What?" He spoke softly.
"Close your eyes."
"Dennis-" Mac's voice broke.
"I'm not going to kiss you. I'm just curious about something."
He sighed deeply and closed them. "What?"
Dennis smirked and huffed a quiet laugh. "Your beard." He admitted, feeling like the blood his veins was scalding magma threatening to catch him on fire.
"Just stay still." He instructed.
Mac obliged with a tremored exhale and Dennis hesitated for a breath. He watched Mac's trusting face for no more than a second before the insistence in his blood pulled him closer. He inhaled and stepped forward.
The tough follicles tickled and prickled Dennis' skin, biting at his clean-shaven face. Just as it dawned on him that he enjoyed the sensation, Mac's erratic breath warmed his neck. Without a sliver of control, the hairs stood up on the back of Dennis' neck and his pores engorged in obnoxious goosebumps.
Suddenly, the softest voice hummed for him and Dennis too, fell to the need to close his eyes, leaning a bit closer to hear his words. The movement was entirely unconscious, but somehow Dennis had pressed his hand to Mac's chest, to steady himself, he had reasoned.
"Is it too sharp?" Mac gently whispered.
The warmth of Mac's skin did something to him, something he couldn't explain or even really understand. The fluttering feeling in his chest, made Dennis ache to look into Mac's eyes.
Just barely he pulled back, grateful that Mac had anticipated his unspoken need.
They were so close, their breath mingling in anguished anticipation, and a familiarly foreign realization dawned upon him. Mac's eyes were the safest place he'd known. "Mac-" Dennis croaked, unable to stop himself from letting his eyes graze across his best friend's inviting lips. "I think I lied-" He inhaled and surrendered to the ache in his gut, leaning and kissing the perplexed pout of Mac's lips.
Nothing had felt quite so natural in all Dennis' life. Of course, he would be kissing Mac, he was his favorite person. Every memory he held dear, centered around the man in his arms. Everything felt safe, and their problems so far away when Mac's heart pounded beneath his own clumsy and earnest touch.
After a minute, itt was Mac who pulled away. His heavy and warm breath seemed to echo in Dennis' lungs. "Dennis, don't…" His voice was sad and soft. "This isn't you."
"I know." Dennis nodded. "My whole life this isn't who I've been and my whole life I've felt angry and empty, chasing temporary conquests to feel stronger and to trick myself into thinking I'm in control."
"Dennis-"
"You make me feel feelings Mac, some that I've never felt before and it makes me afraid, but even that feels welcome." Mac sighed and Dennis felt tension grip his gut. "My heart is crashing in my chest, and it feels like some winged things are flying in my stomach."
"Do you mean butterflies?" Mac asked incredulously.
Dennis' brow lifted. "Is that what this is?" He had a sudden urge to laugh giddily, but he settled for a smile. "I never thought that sounded pleasant, but it actually feels exciting."
"What are you saying, Dennis?" Mac was having a hard time breathing, trying to wrap his head around the idea that he was possibly witnessing a revelation.
"I've never felt butterflies kissing someone." Dennis swallowed a breath as he thought. "I've never felt anything kissing anyone, it was always just a formality to reach a goal, but that-" Dennis looked back into Mac's eyes.
Mac was grateful for the fortunately placed countertop that kept him standing.
"That was something else." Dennis could hear the desire infiltrating his husky whisper. "Could we, um… maybe try that again?"
Mac first needed to re-capture his breath. "Let's take a moment."
"Was it bad?" Dennis hated the strength of his insecurity in that moment.
Mac bit his lip and smirked. "I didn't say that." He moaned playfully. "It's just a lot."
"You wanted this." Dennis defended his desire.
"I've thought about it." Mac nodded. "Once or twice, seriously." He touched his lips. "I didn't expect it to feel quite like that." There was awe in Mac's voice, and it eased the anxiety in Dennis' breath.
"Has it been a moment, yet?" Dennis asked with earnest impatience.
"Dennis." Mac reached out and touched his chest. "What if this is a mistake?"
"What if it's not?" Such hopefulness was foreign to Dennis, but it still was nice to feel. "Can't we take some time to figure it out? I mean, that felt really good, didn't it?"
Mac nodded. "I don't want you rushing into something you don't understand." He asserted defensively.
"I'm a grown man, Mac. I'm not trying to make promises, it's just that what I do understand is-" Dennis gently cleared his throat, meeting Mac's warm gaze. Nothing else seemed to exist in that soft silence. "That I enjoyed kissing you just then, and I'd like to try again."
"Are you sure about this?" It scared Mac to think how attainable it all felt in that moment, and he was afraid to think it could be over soon.
Dennis moved his hand from Mac's chest to rest on his face, his eyes pleading to him. "Just, let me feel this?"
It was the raised inflection that touched Mac. Dennis was actually trying to take his feelings into account, even if everything felt at risk. With a sigh, he nodded. "It's just, I can't-"
"I know." Dennis understood that Mac was still too uncertain to make the move. "It's okay." Instinct moved Dennis' thumb to graze across Mac's bottom lip. He was immediately rewarded with a husky sigh that charged his blood.
Dennis moved slower this time, anticipation electrifying every nerve in his body. When their lips touched, a pleasant dread began coursing itself through his veins. He realized that he didn't want to stop. It was as if decades of their indescribably close connection finally came into full view. Dennis floundered to realize that he had never once allowed himself to question why it had always felt so different with Mac, why he had never been able to let go of him.
Grasping at clarity regarding his feelings for Mac threatened to throw Dennis into a state of panic with an enticing side of a mid-life identity crisis, but it didn't. The anxiety in Mac's posture finally calmed as he leaned into the warmth of Dennis pressed against him.
Dennis understood that there was a natural state of progression, even if specific steps eluded him. His mind and plethora of experience seemed entirely ignorant and unapplicable to what he was feeling, so he relinquished control to his body. He felt like a teenager again, nervous and excited, a part of him wished that he was; he imagined being 16 again, standing a breath away from that same man pressed to him now, Mac's brown eyes watching him closely as they huddled beneath the bleachers to split a joint.
A sigh built in his lungs, straining under the strength of the kiss, his hand that had rested on Mac's chest moved to the solid foundation of the counter behind him. Instinctually, his other hand gripped one of Mac's bare biceps, pulling him closer.
Just as Dennis began to feel stirrings that would make his arousal visually evident, a fear trickled into his thoughts that he had no idea what he was doing. Uncertainty, insecurity and pain wrapped around his unspoken words until they no longer felt coherent in his head; still, Mac remained his focal point.
Just when Dennis thought his lungs might collapse, Mac pulled back the slightest bit, his lips still hovering a breath away. "Dennis-" Mac moaned in a breathy whisper.
It was as if a switch had been flicked in Dennis' brain, erasing all the hesitance and anxiety, leaving only affection and excitement. He marveled at the realization that he had touched Mac thousands of times for hundreds of different reasons and despite the utter familiarity of his skin, Dennis' own now felt like it was on fire. But this was Mac, much closer than family, far more important than friend. It all pushed Dennis even further to the question of why it had taken him so long to understand what now felt obvious and inevitable.
"Wait." Mac spoke again, barely able to hear himself over the loud drumming of his heart; desperately, he pushed off from the counter, stepping barely passed Dennis. Flustered, Mac tried to regain and settle his labored breath, unintentionally quickening Dennis' in the process. He wanted to appear calm and collected, as if he could answer all Dennis' questions and quell his concerns, but he quickly came to the assumption that such a service might not be necessary if his friend continued with such fervent and urgent enthusiasm.
"I appreciate your eagerness, Dennis." He spoke with a huff punctuating every other word. "But," Mac gestured between the two of them. "This feels fast, and I don't want you rushing yourself." He reasoned.
"I know my own limits, Mac." Dennis forced his familiar façade of confidence.
"Okay, well then-" He breathed heavily. "I'm going to need to introduce you to mine."
That stopped Dennis in his tracks, and he worried that he had gone too far, as a brief unpleasantness hit him. He had never felt any sense of commitment and very little affection for any of his past sexual partners. He had always wondered why it was so lack-luster and now he knew it was because of how simple it'd been, how simple he had been to think that there was no emotion in sex.
Yet, he had only kissed Mac and already his emotions were in uproar over the possibility that it was unwanted. Without thinking, an apology formed itself behind his lips. "I'm s-"
Mac quickly reached out to grab Dennis' hand while shaking his head. "Don't apologize, Den." He sighed, trying to wrap his mind around everything that had just happened. "By limits, I don't mean boundaries." Dennis gave him a puzzled stare that was so uncharacteristically adorable, it pulled at Mac's heartstrings. He had always been far too apathetic to communicate with anyone he'd ever slept within the past.
Mac cleared his throat to elaborate, reluctantly dropping Dennis' hand so that he could focus on anything beyond his magnetizing warmth. "I don't often think of you and I having any boundaries with one another; maybe it's because we immediately clicked or because we've known each other so long," Mac had to look away as he shrugged, unable to act unshaken for the man before him. "But I don't mind it. I don't want any boundaries that restrict us or how we feel." He looked down and sighed. "Still, I don't think we should go any further." Mac spoke sturdily, even if his brows couldn't help but pull together.
"Are you old-fashioned or uninterested, Mac?" Dennis didn't want to be so blunt, but his raging heartbeat needed to know.
Mac looked at him closely, his usually soft eyes, now chiding. "Neither Dennis." He sighed and forced himself to look down. "You know how I feel, I'm just a bit thrown back right now and I'm afraid of immediately jumping into this."
"We've known each other for decades." Dennis interjected his defense.
"Exactly!" Mac ardently agreed, looking back at him. "We've known each other for so long… in a strictly friend/roommate capacity." He breathed heavily. "You don't just cross that threshold because you're caught up in the moment. If we don't think this through, it could ruin our friendship."
"Do you actually think that?" Dennis asked, defensively.
"Consider the situation, Dennis. I'm an out gay man that you have openly rejected numerous times, we've spent the entire day drinking, and now I'm a prude for not immediately trying to have sex with you?" Mac exhaled, trying to dilute the anger in his voice. "I'm not ready to go any further when you could easily wake up tomorrow and call it a mistake. And I won't sneak-send a text of consent from your phone." He quickly accused before continuing with a shake of his head. "No one else would know and you could just go back to the way it was before. I can't."
Despite Mac's imposed distance, Dennis stepped closer to him. "Well, what if I wake up tomorrow and tell myself that this was just a drunken dream I need to forget?" Dennis couldn't deny the possibility, even if every part of him rebelled at the notion. "What if I get scared and I lose you?" His chest constricted painfully.
Still, Mac smiled at him with honest and affectionate eyes. "You're never going to lose me, Dennis. I think you've always known that." It was just shy of an accusation, but it rang true to them both. "I will always be your friend, Dennis." It all seemed inadequate; that wasn't what Dennis wanted anymore, not now that he understood how he felt. Even so, he wouldn't push Mac like he always had. "I just don't think it'll be so simple for me if we continue forward tonight."
Dennis wanted to fall into the moment; he wanted to feel the delectable feelings that Mac pulled out of him. It would be so easy to follow his instincts and yield to the intoxicating indulgence he felt with Mac, but he stifled his pushy nature, reading his withdrawn invitation, loud and clear.
Finally, he swallowed his disappointment, questioning the depth of Mac's hesitance. "Tonight?"
The air was tense for a minute. Mac's brown eyes illustrated his affection for Dennis, and though no words of commitment or devotion were spoken between them, the feelings they shared were unmistakable. Finally, he answered softly. "Ask me again in the morning, once you're sober."
There was a finality to his tone that goaded Dennis to speak up as Mac shifted away. "Hey," He pulled him back. "Look, I get your hesitance and even if I'm not happy, I can respect it. But don't undermine tonight by blaming the booze." Dennis insisted with certainty, before continuing slightly softer. "And don't act like you're going to walk away. We aren't done yet."
Mac smirked, charmed by the clumsy sincerity behind Dennis' words. "You are so damn pushy lately. What makes you think you get to make all the rules?"
"I never said that." He defended immaturely.
"No," Mac stepped closer and cradled his cheek, almost overtaken with wonder that Dennis wanted his touch now, after so much time had passed in calculated indifference. "But, you sure do act like it." He smirked.
Dennis covered his hand with his own and spoke as gently as he could manage. "I know, but that's not what this is." He stood taller. "It just feels wrong to say goodnight now."
Mac's smile warmed his eyes. "We don't have to." He encouraged in considerate understanding.
Dennis nodded and grinned in relief. "I'd say we have a lot to discuss."
"That feels like an understatement." Mac grinned and grabbed Dennis' hand, pulling him to the relatively safe couch. "Where do we even start?"
It was quiet for a few seconds before Dennis timidly asked. "When did you know? That you were gay."
"Before or after the years of denial?" Mac tried to laugh off the dilemma that had dominated the first 40 years of his life. "Why do you ask?"
"I'm trying to figure a few things out, I think." Dennis admitted.
"I guess that would be the best place to begin." Mac leaned back, thinking. "It's funny, you remember, when I came out?"
"Over $14?" Dennis prodded purposefully.
Mac eyed him sharply for a second, before shaking off the taunt. "I went back home and started to try and pinpoint the exact moment." He laughed. "I was nowhere near prepared for how obvious it should've been for so long."
Mac cleared his throat, the consideration in his eyes capturing Dennis. "It felt as if I had been looking at my life like some big, daunting equation; just these confusing signs and symbols that I could never make any sense of; but after coming out, it was like somebody plugged in the formula that I needed to solve the problem." Mac exhaled contentedly, sharing his reassuring gaze with Dennis. "All of a sudden, I was able to understand the things I always thought and felt." Mac sighed in relief. "It was like, once I finally understood myself, I stopped feeling like I was wrong and broken. All that confusion and anger I had lived in for so long, just faded away and I felt whole, like I had discovered a vital piece of myself."
Dennis felt overcome with frightening familiarity; still, seeing Mac be so honest and fulfilled, sweetened the former's stifling emotions until he felt hopeful. "So, things just finally began to make sense?" He asked curiously.
Mac shrugged, leaning closer. "I know it's not super helpful, but that's genuinely how it felt." He sighed. "And just because my life suddenly made sense, doesn't mean that it got easier, because it didn't, at least not at first."
"Have you ever regretted it, coming out?" Dennis stomach coiled at the meek tone of his voice.
Mac's brows pulled together as he vehemently shook his head. "No, not even at my lowest. I mean," He shrugged and forced a smirk. "If little gay Mac could see me now, living my own life as my most honest self, he'd be so relieved."
"So, there were signs all along?"
Mac nodded. "I just refused to see them."
"Would you tell me about it?" Dennis encouraged, sitting back as he rested his head against his hand while he leaned back on the couch, thankful to create a little space to breathe easier.
Mac watched Dennis very carefully for a moment and the latter had to push against the urge to kiss his perplexed countenance. Luckily, a second later, Mac relaxed his expression though his gaze still appeared slightly suspicious. "It's a long story." He warned.
"Well, I'm definitely not tired," He smirked with a playful implication that almost seemed deserving of a wink, but he refrained. "And since you won't go to bed either-" Dennis lightly challenged. "Why not?"
Mac still seemed uncertain. "You were there for a lot of it, Dennis, so I doubt you'll find it entertaining." He confided.
"I wasn't paying all that much attention." Dennis admitted, remembering how pre-occupied he'd been as a teenager. Back then, all he remembered was striving to earn his place as 'man of the house', to prove himself capable, what with Frank gone all the time. He knew that part of his motivation for asking was self-serving, but he couldn't admit that moreover, he wanted to understand how Mac had found himself, despite all the obstacles and prejudices he'd inherited from birth, only to come out the other side, happy and free. "How about illuminating?"
"Well, that, I can't answer that for you." Mac replied softly. "Everybody has a different story."
"Remind me of yours." Dennis challenged, playfully lifting his brow.
"You weren't my first crush, if that's what you're hoping." He rebelled under Dennis' provokingly cocky demeanor.
"That's not what I mea- Wait, who was your first crush, then?" Dennis balked slightly at his offense, trying to remind himself that Mac would have, of course, had a crush on someone by the time he met him in high school.
Mac cleared his throat. "The first man to steal my heart will always have a piece of it."
"Well, who?" He ignored the shrill tone of his voice.
"He-Man." Mac replied with the most deadpanned sincerity. "The ultimate 'Man's Man'."
"What?" Dennis deflated.
"I guess you could say I have a type." Mac teased, bumping his arm.
"You are not seriously comparing me to that blonde, bowl-cut cartoon!" Now, the offense felt genuine for Dennis.
"Hey." Mac scolded with a humored tone. "Just because you're jealous, doesn't give you the right to insult the true Golden God."
An antagonistic atmosphere snapped into place. "What did you just say?"
"Dennis, if you couldn't successfully be a Golden Goose, what makes you think you're capable of being a Golden God?"
Dennis faltered, having completely forgotten the defeat of his winning streak. "Today was-"
"Me, not going easy on you for once." Mac bragged.
"Excuse me?" Dennis laughed. "We've played dozens of games and you've never won a single time until today. Are you seriously trying to say that you could've been winning this entire time?"
"I mean, no." Mac admitted and before Dennis could nod in agreement, he continued. "I've never been so determined to hurt you as I was today."
The guilt in Mac's voice made Dennis realize just how true the statement was. All Mac did was prioritize Dennis over everything; he had purposefully ignored it until now. After the way they'd been fighting lately, it wasn't the least bit surprising that Mac would push back; if anything, Dennis was more shocked that it had taken this long.
"You didn't really hurt me until you threatened to move out."
Mac's soft eyes nearly clashed with the sharp tone of his voice. "It wasn't a threat, Dennis. It was a solution."
"Not a very good one." Dennis complained.
"You try being into your long-term codependent roommate without losing your mind."
"Well, I think it's pretty obvious I've dealt with the first part." Dennis flirted gently, smirking when Mac became bashful.
"Yeah," Mac reminded while looking down. "But you failed at the last part."
Dennis was tempted to argue but couldn't provide a valid counterpoint to explain away his manic traits and often, cruel behavior. "Failed seems a strong word."
Mac's brow inquired against such a weak defense, before he sighed. "It was becoming too painful, every single day." He turned his gaze directly back to Dennis. "I thought it was the best chance to save our friendship, since neither one of us is comfortable establishing boundaries." Mac shrugged. "I just knew I couldn't say 'no' to you."
"I think you've done a pretty good job of it tonight." Dennis reminded.
He nodded, not quite taking the bait. "Every once in a while, my sense of self-preservation wins out."
"Are you that afraid of me?" He couldn't help but ask.
Mac started to shake his head but thought better as he explained. "I'm that afraid of how much you could hurt me."
Dennis exhaled through his nose. "You're making me feel like some abusive boyfriend or something."
Mac's brow pulled up to illustrate his surprise over Dennis' presumptions, before forcing a smirk. "It's not like that. Your outbursts don't bother me all that much."
"I don't believe that for a second. You guys are always giving me a hard time about it."
"Because you are impossible to talk to until it's all out of your system. "Nobody wants to have to wait that long." He pressed and Dennis' mouth went agape. Mac continued, shaking his head as though he hadn't noticed. "No, it's never been your anger that hurts me. It's always your indifference."
Dennis could read that Mac's honesty was free from any kind of manipulative intention; he was explaining his own hesitance and anxieties. Somehow, simply knowing that, made Dennis feel all the more guilty, as he thought over his decisive need for deflection and distance and how it had affected their relationship over the years.
"So, what, you think He-Man wouldn't be emotionally withholding?" He teased to soften the pained atmosphere.
Mac graciously acknowledged the topic change. "No, I don't." He shook his head. "If anything, He-Man would be emotionally fulfilling."
"I refuse to compete with this ridiculous cartoon." Dennis immaturely complained.
"Well, it's good you concede them, because you couldn't compete with him, even if you tried."
"I beg your pardon?" Dennis asked, antagonistically flabbergasted.
"Come on, Dennis." Mac teased, trying to bite back his smile. "You can't compare yourself to some all powerful and super handsome cartoon." His grin grew to see the vain outrage explode across Dennis' features. "You can't compete with a fictional character."
Dennis narrowed his eyes, as he watched Mac closely. "You're right." His skeptical tone revealed the deception of his words. "I mean, a fictional character can't do this." Dennis gently leaned in, kissing Mac with merely a fraction of his uncultivated passion.
It wasn't until Mac pressed his hand against him and moaned ever-so-slightly in his mouth, that Dennis reluctantly pushed himself away. "I guess I really can't compare." The heat in Mac's eyes almost caused his words to fumble, but he forced them out with a smirk. "I hope you and He-Man are very happy together."
"Shut up!" Mac tried to admonish Dennis' taunt, but his eyes distractedly sought out his lips. It felt like some drug-induced dream, from not touching, to being kissed like it was the most natural and inevitable thing. It didn't feel real and for all Mac knew in that moment, it might not be, even so, it was incredible. "You know, you couldn't either, for a long time." He accused.
"It's not that I couldn't."
"You wouldn't."
"I didn't." Dennis began decisively. "Because I wasn't ready to even acknowledge the possibility." He sighed. "It felt safer, more sustainable that way."
"For you."
"I know." Dennis nodded. "That's why I'm asking." He cleared his throat to steer them back. "So, no one besides, He-Man?" Mac rolled his eyes and a sudden curiosity revealed itself to Dennis. "What about Charlie? Was there every any-"
"What?" Mac laughed, taking a brief second to imagine such a scenario. "No, we were always buds." He shrugged. "I mean, we grew up together."
"You and I grew up together too." Dennis countered.
"No," Mac's voice was soft as he shook his head before latching his gaze onto Dennis. "Things changed after you."
The certainty in Mac's voice struck something inside Dennis. "Tell me about it." He prompted, causing Mac to offer him a dubious glance. Dennis sighed. "I think it would help me if I could see it through your eyes now."
Mac bit his lip and smirked. "You asked for it."
