Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. If I did, I definitely wouldn't be here on Fanfiction writing about them.
"Good afternoon Sophie," Caroline smiles while putting her extra mouth accessories to use. True to form, she always wore a smile, but it was never as big as when she was with Max. Often times when she thought about her Caroline would have to repress the urge to smile so she wouldn't scare off the customers. "What can I get you?"
"Oh, Caroline, I wouldn't want to trouble you. After all, you must be pretty tired."
Caroline looks stunned for a moment. "Were you listening to us last night?" she questions in a mortified tone.
"Yeah, through the vent," Sophie wags her eyebrows. Just then, Oleg hits the service bell while peeking out of the window.
"So was I. We ate popcorn and listened until four in the morning." Sophie nod, adding – although not very helpful – "Yeah, it was better than any porn I ever heard."
Caroline furiously shakes her head as she stomps over to the door to go into the kitchen. There she sees Max eating a plate of french-fries off the counter. "We need to move," she says at once. "Sophie and Oleg have no respect for our privacy."
"Are you just now figuring this out?" she stands up straight, rubbing her hands together. They probably listen to everything we do all the time."
"It was different before."
"It was different before what?" Max asks, though already knowing the answer. "Before we got together? How is that any different?"
"You don't think them listening in on us being intimate is weird?"
"Not really and with the way you scream, China was probably listening too," Max laughs going into the walk in. Caroline follows. "Look, if it bothers you that much I'll ask them to stop."
"Really?" the blonde grins bigger than all the ones she formed that day. Her girlfriend never failed to cheer he up and, somehow, she always knew the right thing to say.
Max nods and goes in for a kiss, but that motion abruptly stops when Oleg wonders in with his phone. "I know you want us to respect your privacy and all that junk, but may I film this for my blog titled 'Lesbian Lovers'?"
The two groan in unison.
"Well, if we're not going to move we have to do something," Caroline says while pacing back and forth. "I mean, it might be-" she lowers her voice to imitate Max. "… 'totally fine' with you, but, with me, it's not."
"If you don't stop a rut will soon appear," the brunette wisecracks from the couch.
"Oh, I know. We can put something over the vent."
Max grunts. "Caroline, let it go." She suddenly turns her frown into a seductive smirk then saunters over to her. "You can brainstorm while we do it." She goes in to kiss Caroline, but the latter snaps away.
"Max, no," she wines, her body telling her to give in but her mind staying firm. "Besides, I wouldn't be able to think of an idea while we're freaking doggy style."
"Sure you could," Max reassures. "Allow me to demonstrate." She slowly walks to Caroline yet again. This time she almost gives in; however, sharp on her quick wits, she wiggles out of Max's hold, runs to her bedroom and locks it.
"Ha!" Caroline exclaims through the door.
"Why won't you just fuck me?"
"No fucking until I come up with an idea!"
Max huffs loudly as she goes to sit down.
"Earl, what did I say?" Han asks, coming out of his office and up to the cashier. "No smoking weed on the job."
"I'm on break. Besides, nobody is even here."
Han briefly glances over the diner and, rest assured, it was empty. Ghost town empty, which went along with the sand residue the health inspector had found last week. That – along with many other things – is why he had received a "B". Han has despised that woman ever since.
Earl goes to take another hit, but Han slaps it out of his hand. The joint spirals down and lands on the floor. "Okay, either I'm super high or Han just grew some balls."
"Oh, I grew balls, baby," Han brags. "No surgery required."
"That was my last joint," Earl complains. "What am I supposed to do now? Just sit here and be bored?" he lets out a strained, dramatic huff as if he was a child told no.
"There are other things to do then smoking weed all the time."
"Like what?"
"I bet you couldn't go a whole day without smoking a j."
"I most certainly couldn't," Earl admits. "And I bet you couldn't go a day without drawling one of your ugly ducklings."
Han gasps while clutching his chest, simulating mock and real hurt at the same time somehow. "They're not ugly, they're majestic and I most certainly couldn't!"
"You want to make this interesting shorty?"
"Bring it on, old man," Han smack talks. "Loser has to dye his hair farm field green."
"Deal."
"Deal."
The two shake on it and the bet forms.
Max and Caroline walk in as Han retreats to his office muttering something about his ducks being beautiful.
"Hey, Ear-"
"Max, you have to help me," Earl pleads catching Max off guard. "I just made a bet I'm gonna lose. You have to help me. I mean, do you think farm field green would go great with my complexion? No siree, I'd rather accidentally marry a cactus again."
"Well, you wouldn't lose if whoever you made it against doesn't win," Max reasons.
"So, what you're saying is I have to sabotage him?"
She nods. "Exactly."
"Then sabotage I will," Earl grins, rubbing his hands together.
"Likewise," Max smiles, also maniacally.
They start to evil laugh about their newly developed plans. That is until Earl starts to cough starting a chain reaction that causes Max to start coughing as well. Caroline cuts in. "Is this private maniacal laughter or can anyone join?"
"Uh, Caroline, can I see you in the walk in?" Max smiles sweetly. "There is a, um a…pie problem?"
"Is that a question or are you telling me?"
"Uh, maybe it's both," she sasses. "Let's go."
Before Caroline can put up any more of a fight, Max grabs her arm nearly dragging her to the walk in freezer. Once inside, she blocks the door so Caroline can't get out.
"I'm starting to think I was tricked."
"Look, Sophie and Oleg will never respect our privacy for as long as we live. The sooner you get it, the sooner I can 'get it' if you catch my drift."
"Oh, I'm starting to catch one and believe me it is not from you," she grimaces, looking back at a gallon of expired milk.
"Well, I am not letting you leave until you do me so hard I forget my name," Max explains, crossing her arms.
Caroline suddenly gets an idea. She walks slowly to Max, dipping her hips. Caroline grabs her face and pulls her in for a steamy kiss. With Max distracted, she slyly changes positions. The blonde, now up against the door, breaks the kiss. In one swift motion, she opens the door and zooms out.
"I'm starting to think I was tricked," Max pouts.
"I have a problem!" the boss announces coming out of his office to grace his brunette employee.
"I could have told you that the second I met you."
"This is no laughing matter, Max," Han snaps. "I am going through a serious duck withdraw!"
"You think that's a problem?" Max laughs. "Caroline is obsessed with changing the balance of nature so much that it's unbalancing our nature," she sighs. "See, I'm so upset I didn't even make a dick-duck joke!"
"There are other things to do then having sex all the time."
"Oh yeah, says the little girl that's never had sex before."
"Well, someone sure is cranky," Han huffs indignantly. Just then, Caroline walks past the two clad head-to-toe in knockoff Chanel. He turns to her. "Word on the street is you're not pleasuring your woman."
"Max!" she scolds. "You told Han?"
"It's not like it isn't noticeable," he defends. Max shoots him the stink eye.
"Max, walk in, now."
Han turns to his office deciding he stirred up enough drama to keep his mind off his bet with Earl. In the freezer, Caroline crosses her arms as she looks to Max. "Isn't it bad enough we have Sophie and Oleg butting in and now we have Han?"
"Oh, please. Han is no big deal. He's no big anything and Sophie and Oleg butting in isn't the worst thing in the world," she reasons. "You've always said you wanted to perform. Now you have an audience."
"Not funny, Max," Caroline shakes her head.
"What will it take for you want to get into me? At this point I'd kill a national treasure."
"The knowledge that my sex life isn't being streamed live!" she exclaims. "This is humiliating for me."
"Oh, so being with me is humiliating?" Max reiterates, her voice getting soft.
"Max, you know that's not what I meant."
"I don't know what I know anymore, Caroline."
With that, Max exits hurt leaving a stunned blonde to rethink.
Han walks up to Earl with a fat sack of weed while smelling it for prominence. "Earl, I just got a little something, something of the first name Mary."
"Do you here that?" he smiles, cupping his ear. "I think it's a duck. Quack, quack, quack, quack."
The boss throws the baggy on the counter near the cashier. "Well, you're being a quack!"
"What was that, little girl? I couldn't hear you over all the ducks!"
"I'm sorry, old man. This weed is just so fresh; I couldn't hear anything you said!"
"I know what you're trying to do and it's not gonna work."
"We'll see about that, shorty."
"Indeed we will oldie."
Han walks back to his office, but before he can actually get in, Max stops him. "Hey, Han, nice-
"I don't need it!"
"You didn't even know what I was going to say."
"Oh, I'm sorry, Max," he spites in a cynical manner. "Go on."
"Well, someone's on their period."
"Maybe I was a bit harsh," Han sighs. "I'm just really on edge about this bet. I have to prove I'm not just all smallness and ducks."
"Oh, that's not true, Han."
"Thank you, Max."
"You also have a really big head."
"I don't need it!" he shouts once more, continuing on to his office.
Max can't help but crack a grin at the man lacking in height. Sometimes it was just too easy. Lost in her thoughts, she didn't even notice a certain blonde coming up at her swiftly. "Hey."
Max's grin falls flat on the floor as she looks up at Caroline. She goes to turn, but the latter is quicker. "Max, before you walk away I just want to let you know I know how stupid I've been," she admits. "Screw it if they do. Honestly, I don't care who listens. Sophie and Oleg, Canada, Mexico, or even customer's here and of Whole Foods. I am not embarrassed to be with you." Caroline inhales from her rant while searching for an expression from her roommate. Seeing none, she goes on. "And if you still don't believe me after everything I said," she pauses, gets up on a table, and turns to all the consumers who already had their eyes on her. "Attention Williamsburg Diner! I am in love with Max Black."
The brunette shakes her head. "Caroline, get down from there."
The one with the long legs jumps down from the table as the clientele collectively shrug it off and go back to eating their Oleg prepared meals.
"You are such a dork."
"I know, but I want to be your dork."
"Caroline, you are already mine."
"I need to hear you say it back."
"Fine," she sighs. "I want to be your dork." Caroline cracks a grin, playfully slapping Max. "I'm only teasing."
"Say it!"
"Caroline, I love you."
She grins. "Let's get out of here."
"But we're in the middle of a …" she trails off finally catching on to the meaning of the grin. "Oh, you're dirty."
"And don't forget it," Caroline says, grabbing their coats and heading for the door. "Let's go home and fuck, doggy style."
"I am loving this new Caroline."
The two run out the door not wasting a second more. Earl sees Han advancing and holds up a notebook he was drawling in for hours. Han snatches it and flips through. "What the hell are these?"
"They're ducks."
He gasps. "These are not ducks! You're disgracing the duck community!"
"You know what they say: we all have to right to duck."
"No one says that!"
"Then show me how to drawl one."
Han opens the notebook to a clean page and right when he goes to grab the pencil, he gasps again. "You sneaky Susan! I know what you're doing!"
Earl curses him in his mind. Clearly he though his plan would work. Han was smarter than he looked, believe it or not.
Max and Caroline lay together. Side by side, hand in hand, hip to hip: they share a collective sigh.
"Channing you are a beast," Max exhales.
"I know," she chuckles. "I guess all the pent-up frustration was worth it."
"Right? We should fight and then have make up sex more often."
"So, who do you think is at home cracking right now?"
"My money's on Earl," Caroline says.
"Well, my money's on Han."
She shakes Max's hand. "Loser gives the winner a foot message."
"Ha, you're on."
The next day, the girls walk into the diner. They look over at the cash register, but see no Earl. Suddenly, Han and the man in question both come out of the boss' office with hair the same. Nobody's green.
"Hu, what happened?" Caroline asks. "Who lost?"
"We decided it's a draw."
"Boo! No fun! New outcome!" Max calls out. Caroline chuckles.
"Sorry to disappoint you ladies, but from here on out no more fights and no more bets."
"I guess that means we both owe each other a foot message," the blonde looks to her girlfriend. Max nods.
Oleg and Sophie barge through the diner door. Only, instead of a normal sight, they see Oleg wearing a dress and Sophie wearing baggy, zebra pants. "Don't ask," the two grumble in unison.
The End
