WHAT MOTHERS DO
"And we're at our destination, folks. If you're visiting the nation's capital, enjoy your stay. If you're coming home, thanks for flying with us."
The pilot's tinny voice floated over the hiss of the ventilation system and the soft murmurs of passengers anxious to gather their belongings and stretch their legs. Amanda waited for the seatbelt light to go off before she stood, rolling her shoulders against the stiffness that had settled there.
She'd barely eaten during the flight, and she'd been unable to sleep. She kept thinking about the conversation she'd had with Lee the Thursday before, when she'd called to check in and asked about her mother's appointment and he'd said, "Well, uh, funny thing about this morning." She'd thought he was going to tell her they'd overslept or he'd forgotten to pick Dotty up or something had happened with one of the boys, but instead he'd said, "She knows about the Agency."
"What do you mean, she knows?"
"She figured it out," Lee said. "We stopped for breakfast after her appointment and she laid it all out, the whole scenario. I mean I'm sure it was an educated guess but it was pretty accurate, and she had a whole list of questions. If I didn't know any better I'd think she'd been through Beaman's interrogation course."
"No," Amanda gasped. "What did you do?"
"What could I do, Amanda?" He sounded miserable. "I told her she was right. I know we were going to do it together before the wedding but she had me over a barrel. I don't think I've ever walked so blindly into a setup in all my years as an agent."
"Was she…." Amanda didn't even know what to say. She stood blinking, trying to find the right words.
"She said she's trying not to be angry, and she seemed okay when I dropped her off afterwards. But I don't know…." She heard a note of panic in his voice and felt a kernel of it start in her own stomach.
"I should call her," she said. But when she called there'd been no answer. She tried again on the weekend, while the boys were at Lee's, and hadn't had any luck then, either.
So worry had been gnawing at her ever since. It had hung over her the entire time she walked around London, as she looked for a wedding dress and toured Westminster Abbey and poked around the market in Covent Garden. It had followed her all through the city, until she met Emily Farnsworth at the doors to Harrods on Saturday afternoon.
Amanda couldn't think of a more level-headed person than Emily, and she poured out the story as they ate tiny sandwiches and sipped tea from delicate china. Emily nodded as she listened, and when Amanda finally finished, Emily set down her cup and folded her hands neatly on the table.
"Well, dear, in my experience, people who are left out of secrets like this are often quite hurt when they come to light." Emily took a petit four from the pastry stand and set it on her plate. "And think of the year you've had. My goodness. She nearly lost her only child, and now she's discovered you've been running around for years doing one of the world's most dangerous jobs, and so has her future son-in-law. She must be terrified."
Amanda sighed. "Do you think she'll forgive me?"
"Of course she will. She's your mother. That's what mothers do. You'll just need to give her some time."
And so she'd been thinking about her mother the entire way home, how she and Lee had put off telling Dotty this one significant thing because they were too afraid, when they could have laid it all out for her months ago. And now the wedding was less than three weeks away and Dotty had come to them with the truth anyway, which made everyone feel ten times worse, she was sure.
She wondered what the day would be like now. If they should push it back. She didn't think she could stand to go through the whole thing if her mother wasn't speaking to her or, God forbid, refused to come. What if Dotty decided to move out? What if the whole thing was so big her mother wanted nothing to do with her?
Amanda twisted her engagement ring on her finger and waited as passengers began filing down the aisle. She was catastrophizing and she needed to stop. Stop and just deal with whatever waited for her at home. She and Lee could figure it out on the drive.
Except they wouldn't, because when Amanda came through the customs gate, what she'd expected to have waiting for her at home was waiting there instead. Dotty looked tired and not quite like herself, and Amanda felt her throat close up with emotion — guilt and sorrow and some fear, too.
"I know you were expecting Lee," Dotty said when Amanda stopped short, "but I thought I'd come for you this time. Save him the trip, and maybe we can have a chat on the way home."
"Oh, Mother," Amanda said, letting go of the cart to give Dotty a hug. She felt relief when Dotty hugged her back, same as always. "I'm so sorry about everything."
"Well," Dotty said, when they drew apart, "you can stop being sorry and start explaining, young lady. I've already heard Lee's side of the story and now I need to hear yours."
Amanda nodded, brushing a hand across her eyes.
"I don't know why you're crying, Amanda. You haven't been crying since Thursday, have you?"
"No, of course not." Amanda sniffed and rooted through her purse for a tissue. "I don't know why I'm crying either." She mopped at her face and blew her nose. "It's a good thing Lee isn't here. He hates it when I do this."
Dotty made a small noise in her throat and nudged Amanda out of the way so she could push the luggage cart.
"I had a feeling you'd be upset," Dotty said as they walked down the concourse. She was moving fast, and Amanda had to move fast to keep up with her, dodging carts as she almost ran into people moving in the opposite direction. The place was packed for a Monday morning in September.
"I'm upset because you must be upset," Amanda said as they went through the doors and into the parkade. The smell of diesel fuel assaulted her nose and she wanted to sneeze.
"I don't know what to think," Dotty said. "I feel like I don't know you anymore."
"Oh Mother, you know me better than almost anyone in the world," Amanda said, tears clogging her throat.
"I don't know if I do, darling." They were at the car now. Dotty had parked in the short-term spaces, the ones that charged a premium and that Amanda always avoided unless the Agency was paying the fees. They were less busy and Dotty hated backing out in parking lots, enough that she was willing to pay for more room. Amanda reached for her bags as her mother opened the back of the Wagoneer and tossed them inside, along with her jacket.
'Of course you do. You know all the parts of me that count. Those haven't changed." She sucked in a deep breath, feeling as though her heart was going to hammer its way out of her chest. They hadn't even gotten out of the airport yet and she was already a wreck.
Dotty shut the back of the Wagoneer and pulled out her keys. "Let's go," was all she said, and Amanda got into the passenger seat feeling as if she were ten years old.
"What I don't understand," Dotty said as they drove, "is how after what happened to you this year you could even think about going back there."
"What happened to me didn't happen at work," Amanda said. "It happened on vacation, and I'm going to keep going on those whenever I can, too."
Dotty turned off the freeway and started down a familiar street. Amanda's spine straightened as she looked out the window, surprised. "Where are you going?"
"I'm returning to the scene of the crime," Dotty said, her mouth curling in a wry smile. "This is where Lee brought me the other day, and I thought we could stop again and get you something to eat. And you know the two of us are too polite to make a scene in a busy restaurant, so you can tell me the entire story and I won't cause a fuss."
"Oh, Mother." Amanda sighed as Dotty pulled the car into a parking spot in front of the Pie Plate. She unclipped her seatbelt and pushed the door open, snagging her purse from the footwell. She was exhausted and knew she looked terrible, especially now that she'd been crying. She took one last look at herself in the mirror and scrubbed at her eyes, trying to wipe away the traces of mascara underneath them only to discover they were actual shadows.
Brenda was working but she was across the room in another section. She strolled by with her coffee pot when she'd finished with her own customers, just to say hello and fill their cups. "I could use about ten of those," Amanda said as Brenda poured.
"Jet lag?" Brenda asked.
"How'd you know?"
"Your boarding pass is sticking out of your purse pocket," Brenda admitted, laughing. She nodded at Dotty and left them to their coffee.
"Now," Dotty said, when they were alone again. She lifted her cup to her lips and took a sip, and Amanda understood what Lee meant when he said he'd felt like he'd walked into a setup. Amanda had seen this before, though not since she was sixteen and had been caught sneaking out to go to a party at her friend Debbie Ann's. "Where shall we start?"
Amanda stirred cream into her coffee. "At the beginning, I guess."
Dotty nodded. "Lee told me he met you at the train station."
"That's right. I was dropping Dean off one morning and — well. He was in trouble and he asked me for help."
"What were you thinking, Amanda?"
Amanda blinked. "I was thinking he needed help. So I helped." And that he had beautiful eyes, she'd been thinking that, too. And that she'd been almost numb with boredom and when he'd grabbed her arm and asked her to walk with him she'd felt a jolt of adrenaline so surprising she'd almost run away.
"But once you found out what he was involved in, and how dangerous it was, why did you keep helping? You had two little boys at home."
"A lot of agents have families," Amanda said, trying to sound calm and rational.
"They also had training," Dotty pointed out. "They must have."
Amanda nodded. "I have training now," she said. "And Lee was always very careful to keep me out of trouble whenever he could. Mr Melrose was, too."
"Lee said you had some close calls," Dotty prodded. "So obviously he couldn't protect you from everything."
"No," Amanda admitted. "Not everything." She wasn't going to tell her mother about all the times she'd had a gun pointed at her or that she'd flown a helicopter on her first day or that she'd ended up in the hands of a terrorist for almost a week. Those things were in the past and she'd come through them, and things were different now.
She couldn't look at Dotty, then. She kept her eyes on her coffee cup. She felt Dotty's hand cover hers.
"Amanda," her mother said, and she had to look up then. "I just want to know you're all right."
"Oh, Mother." Amanda had to suck in a deep breath to keep her voice even. "I am. I really am. Things were rough for a while and I know you probably saw it, but they're very good about making sure we have people to talk to when something goes wrong. And… and I had Lee. He understood everything."
Dotty was silent, appraising her. Amanda shifted in her seat, waiting for her mother to speak again, and when she did the question wasn't what Amanda had been expecting. "Does this job make you happy?"
Amanda ducked her head, carefully choosing her words. "Yes," she said, finally. "It makes me happy to think I'm making the world safer for Phillip and Jamie."
Dotty sighed. "I guess I can't argue with that. It just seems so dangerous, is all."
"What I'm doing now is not dangerous," Amanda told her.
"What about Lee?" Dotty said, then. "I asked him if he was still putting himself in danger every day and he didn't give me a straight answer."
"He's… trying not to," Amanda said. "Did he tell you that?"
"In a roundabout sort of way, yes." Dotty waited as their waitress delivered their plates of food, a pastry for her and Amanda's usual eggs and fruit. When they were alone again she sat, deep in thought. "I had a lot of time over the weekend to think about everything, and I decided the details don't really matter."
"They don't?"
"Not really. Not the way I thought they might. I just want to know if you're going to be safe."
"I'm doing my best," Amanda said. "We both are."
Dotty sighed. "I guess that's all I can ask."
"But Mother, you know if you want to ask me about any of it, and I can tell you the answers, I will."
Dotty nodded. "Lee said the same." Amanda expected a question, but Dotty fell silent, cutting her cinnamon bun into little pieces in a way Amanda knew was purely to distract herself from what she really wanted to say. She had never once eaten in that way.
"I know you must be angry," Amanda began after a minute, unable to stand the silence any longer.
Dotty gave a sharp little laugh, and nodded her head. "I am angry, actually, but not about what you think." She set down her fork. "I'm angry that you kept that lovely man a secret for so long, and I had to get to know him under the most stressful circumstances possible."
"You mean in California?"
"Yes." Dotty frowned. "You have no idea how awful it was getting that call from him, and he was practically a stranger. I had my suspicions about what you were doing on that vacation and you denied them, and then he called and tried to pretend you weren't together, and —" Dotty shook her head, as if shaking the memory loose. "And then, when we were both sitting there, I realized how much he loved you, and I felt absolutely cheated that you'd kept him from us all for so long."
"I'm sorry." They never talked about what that had been like, Amanda realized, about what had happened when Lee and her mother were waiting to see if she'd live or die. They'd all just tucked it away and moved on, dealt with the things they needed to as they came up.
"Well, it all turned out in the end, I suppose," Dotty said, sniffling a little.
"I suppose." Amanda smiled, weakly. "We never wanted to hurt you, Mother. Really we didn't. He just loves you, you know."
"I don't think he loves me so much after last Thursday. But it doesn't matter. What matters is how much he loves you, and I have absolutely no doubt about that." Dotty sipped her coffee, her expression soft, now. "You two are really very lucky to have found each other, you know."
"Oh, I know." Amanda felt her chin wobble and gulped her coffee to hide it, almost burning her mouth.
"You've really been so much happier since you met him and started this crazy job, haven't you?"
Amanda smiled. "Yes."
"Can you convince him to quit the dangerous part, do you think?"
"I don't think I need to convince him. I think he's already convinced himself."
Dotty nodded, drawing in a deep breath and letting it out again. "Well that's good. Let's hope he does sooner rather than later." She pushed her plate away, and Amanda felt as if the motion said 'case closed.' The interrogation was over. "Tell me about your trip. I mean, if you can."
"Oh. I can." Amanda laughed. "I spent about four days in a little conference room with two MI6 agents and a stack of files this big." She held up her hand about a foot above the table. "We ate dinner in the same pub every night and they told me all about their kids. And then the last three days I went shopping a little, and did some sightseeing. Emily took me to tea at Harrods one day, and last night I had dinner at her house with her and her husband."
"Does she have a lovely house? I bet it's lovely."
"It's a townhouse and yes, it really is very lovely. And her husband is lovely, too." Amanda nibbled at her toast, thinking about how warm and relaxed the Farnsworths were. Dinner hadn't been fancy, but it had been full of lively conversation and plenty of laughter, and Emily had sent her home with a wedding gift and made her promise to visit with Lee before too long. "I brought you something from Harrods."
"You'd better have," Dotty said drily. "It had better be pretty and completely impractical."
"It's both those things, I promise. Emily helped me choose it." It was a silk scarf, a beautiful shade of blue she knew Dotty would love. Amanda had chosen it in part because the color reminded her of her father and his favorite tie.
"Did you find a wedding dress?" Dotty asked, suddenly.
"No. I found shoes but no dress. I didn't want to buy it without you, anyway." She'd thought about wearing the same suit she'd worn in February, then decided against it. It felt wrong, like flaunting their secret in front of everyone. In fact she'd almost gotten rid of the suit altogether, but Lee had convinced her to keep it even if it never saw the light of day again. He was far more sentimental than she was about things.
"That's sweet, darling, but you're really cutting it close. What if it needs alterations or something?"
"It'll be fine," Amanda insisted. She rubbed her eyes as a wave of exhaustion rolled over her. "We could go today," she said. "I have to stay awake all day anyway."
Dotty's eyes widened in surprise. "We could, I suppose. I don't have anything planned and the boys won't be home for a few hours."
"They'll let themselves in," Amanda said. "They're fine on their own. You know that."
"I do, yes, but they promised to clean up the mess they left this morning and they won't do that if one of us isn't there to stand over them."
"Well that should be me, not you. You're supposed to make them cookies and spoil them rotten." Amanda hesitated, setting her fork down and looking carefully at her mother. "I hope you know that I couldn't have done any of the things I've done in the last few years without you. I probably don't say it enough, but I really am grateful for everything. Especially this last year. It's been so hard but just… I'm so glad you're here."
Dotty lifted one shoulder in a shrug. "That's what mothers do, Amanda. You know that. You'd do the same for the boys."
Amanda nodded. She would. Of course she would. "If I'd told you right at the beginning that I'd met a spy and was going to start working with him, what would you have said?"
Dotty laughed. "Well, I'd probably have told you that it was crazy and to forget it. But now that I've gotten to know him —" Her eyes sparkled with a mischief Amanda recognized all too well. "Now that I've gotten to know him, I like to think I'd have told you you'd be crazy not to."
