A/N: Hi! Miss me yet? Thank Spotify and my listening to Christmas music at work for this one. I couldn't resist contributing to the holiday fluff.

Disclaimer: Song is "Glow" by Kelly Clarkson and Chris Stapleton. I don't own anything, but you knew that already.


You're the only one, only one I got my eyes on

I don't need, I don't need but a second, then I'm gone


Elliot still remembers the very first precinct Christmas party he attended with Olivia. It was the first year of their partnership. Kathleen and Lizzie had the stomach flu and Kathy didn't want to come into the city and leave them with a babysitter.

"You going to the party tonight?" Elliot had asked her casually across their desks that afternoon.

"Planning on it," Olivia said, not looking up from the file.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Brian Cassidy's head pop up. The poor kid had it bad for her. Elliot almost felt sorry for him. She was so far out of his league it was laughable. She was intelligent, beautiful, and tougher than most of them. Cassidy didn't stand a chance.

"You bringing a date?" Elliot asked.

"Are you going to run a background check on him if I say yes?" she asked, lifting her head just enough to look at him and raise her eyebrows.

"No," Elliot said. "Just wondering."

"I'm not," Olivia said, scratching a note in the margin of the form. "Bringing a date, that is."

He saw Cassidy start to fidget in his seat, no doubt trying to work up the courage to ask her out.

"Go with me?" Elliot asked, causing Cassidy to stop fidgeting and Liv to snap her neck up so fast it cracked.

"I'm not sure Kathy would appreciate a third wheel," Olivia said. "What time is she coming in to meet you, anyway?"

"Half the crew has the stomach flu," Elliot said. "So she's homebound. I just hate walking into this fancy crap alone. Makes me feel like an idiot. Thought if you didn't have a date we could at least walk in together, make it less awkward."

"Oh," Olivia said. "Yeah, in that case sure, we can ride over and go in together. I think we're all supposed to be at the same table anyway, right?"

"Not if they let the same dream team from last year plan the party," Munch said. "I got stuck with a bunch of floater cops and Cap was at the narcotics table."

Olivia laughed.

"Even more reason to show up together then," Olivia said. "I'd prefer to not get stuck at a table with my old beat squad. They still haven't forgiven me for leaving them to volunteer for sex crimes."

The rest of the afternoon passed pretty uneventfully. The party started at six, and Olivia excused herself to the cribs at about 5:15 to go get ready. The guys gave her crap for it, especially because they were all just going in their work suits. She'd flipped them off, telling them there are very few days she gets to dress like a lady and a Christmas party is the perfect opportunity for it.

The guys were packing up when Elliot caught a glimpse of something red in his periphery and turned toward it. Olivia was walking, more like strutting, down the steps from the cribs in a curve hugging red dress and gold heels. She'd darkened her makeup and curled her hair slightly. It wasn't a secret that his partner was a beautiful woman. He'd noticed of course, as did the rest of the squad, and many of their perps. But tonight? She was simply stunning.

"Pick your jaw up off the floor," Munch whispered to Elliot. "You're gonna catch flies."

He immediately snapped his jaw shut when Olivia got back to her desk. He nearly jumped out of his chair when she bent down to put something back in her drawer and gave him a view that he was never ever supposed to have and that he'd probably never be able to forget now.

"I took the subway today because I figured I'd have some wine tonight and take a cab home," she said. "You okay with driving?"

"Yeah, driving," Elliot said. "That's fine."

Elliot heard how ridiculous he sounded and she must have too because her mouth pulled up into a smirk, but she didn't comment. She reached for her coat and he got up.

"Let me help you with that," he said, holding her brown leather jacket out for her to slip her arms into it.

"Man, if I knew dressing like this would get you to help out around here more I would have started doing it much earlier in this partnership," she joked.

"You said you wanted to dress like a lady tonight," Elliot said. "Only fair you also get treated like one."

And treat her like a lady he did. He opened the car door for her, led her by the small of her back through crowds, picked her up wine from the bar, and even asked her to dance to a sweet, slow version of White Christmas after dinner.

"Feels like I got the royal treatment tonight," she said, when they were finally back in his car at the end of the evening.

She'd insisted she'd take a cab. He insisted he'd drive by anyway to check to see if she made it home, so driving her would just save time.

"Kathy's a lucky woman," she said.

Oh, right. Kathy. His wife who he loved who was probably home right now ankle deep in tears, sweat, and vomit instead of all dressed up for a night out with her husband listening to Christmas jazz and breathing in the cool, crisp city air.

"Eh, you deserve the gentleman act every now and then," Elliot said. "Think we all forget sometimes that because you're so good at what you do and so independent that it might be nice for you to not have to be 'Olivia the cop' all the time."

"You mind putting that memo out to the rest of Manhattan?" Olivia said with a laugh. "Seriously, rent a billboard and alert the eligible bachelors."

They were silent the rest of the ride to her apartment, letting a Nat King Cole Christmas cassette break the silence.

"Let me walk you up," Elliot said.

"El, that's not necessary," she said as she collected her bag and slipped her shoes back on. "Look, it's starting to flurry. You should get over the bridge before we get anything more."

"It'll take three minutes," he said. "I've been a gentleman all night and I'm not gonna leave you to blink your lights like I just dropped you off from a stakeout."

"Fine," she said with a roll of her eyes.

He leaned against the doorframe as she pushed her key into the lock, drinking in the last of her in that outfit, the last of their unplanned but pretty damn perfect evening.

"See," Olivia said, stepping through the threshold and throwing on the lights. "No serial killers or kidnappers."

"What are you doing Christmas Eve?" Elliot asked, not quite sure where the question came from.

"I thought it was 'What are you doing New Years Eve?" she asked, biting back a laugh.

"Seriously, Liv," Elliot said. "You got plans with your Mom?"

She hung up her coat and kicked her shoes off before turning to him.

"She's not really one for the holidays," Olivia said. "I'm working, Christmas Eve and Day. How do you think your vacation got approved?"

She was giving him another playful grin but it hurt him a little that she'd be at the precinct, nearly alone, not looking half as festive as she did right now, just so he could be with his family.

"Well, if something changes, you're welcome at the Stabler home for food and chaos," Elliot said.

"Thanks," she said, looking up at him now, much shorter without her heels or her usual boots. "Now go get home to your family."

She shooed him back into the hallway, giggling as he went.

"Goodnight, Liv," he said, turning around to look at her one last time.

"Night, El," she said, shutting the door.

He waited out of sight to leave until he heard her lock click and her slide the door chain.

The entire ride home he kept replaying the evening in his head. Her laugh, the dress, their dance. He kept trying to convince himself everything was completely platonic. If he'd been there with Jefferies or Jo Marlowe or any other female cop he knew, things would have gone down the same.

Except as he pulled into his driveway with the snow fluttering around and their Christmas lights glowing into the street, realizing that her smile tonight probably could have lit up a city block, brighter than the entire street combined, he knew deep in his heart it was something a lot more.


But when the snow starts falling

Christmas ain't far and I'm feeling

In my heart, in my bones, you're the secret I hold and you'll keep it


Elliot still remembers the first Christmas Eve he spent with Olivia. It was the year he and Kathy separated. They'd agreed he could come over for a few hours Christmas Day and bring the kids his gifts and maybe have lunch or something.

But despite the fact that all the kids were too old to believe in Santa anymore and a lot of their old traditions were outdated, it still hurt like hell not to be there to read The Night Before Christmas or go with them to midnight Mass.

He'd tried to work, nearly begging Cragen for a shift, but for once in his stupid life there wasn't an open spot to fill. All those times he'd wanted to be home for something and couldn't catch a break, but the one time he actually wanted to work a holiday, nothing.

"You know," Cragen said to him over the phone. "Your partner isn't working tonight either."

"Your point?" Elliot asked.

"Maybe it'd be good for the two of you not to be alone for a little while this evening," Cragen said. "You especially."

"Merry Christmas, Cap," Elliot said, hanging up.

But the more Elliot thought about it, the less ridiculous the idea sounded. He looked around his barely furnished apartment. He'd put up a small tree and strung some lights around the window, but it was dreary compared to what they used to do at the house. He knew Olivia probably didn't even have a single decoration up. And it was starting to snow. And why should he have to spend Christmas Eve alone? Why should either of them?

So he grabbed one of his moving boxes and filled it up with everything he needed and hopped in the car before he could stop himself. He was at Olivia's in under a half an hour, and was pleased when he looked up from the street and saw her light on.

He knocked on the door like an eager child, the box at his feet.

"What the hell?" she said, pulling the door open.

Her hair was up in a ponytail. She was wearing the accidental joke gift he brought her back from that conference at Quantico. He thought he was getting her an FBI shirt since they both couldn't stand half the federal agents they met, but instead of reading Federal Bureau of Investigation on the back it said "Female Body Inspector," something he'd missed until she pulled it out of the bag. She laughed so hard she almost shot coffee out her nose.

"I cannot believe you're wearing that," he said.

"It's comfortable," she said. "I thought I was going to be alone, but here you are with a moving box. Your landlord kicked you out already?"

"In case nobody told you, it's Christmas Eve," Elliot said.

"Oh so that's why there's so many annoying songs on the radio today," she said, sarcastically.

"Hope I'm not interrupting anything," he said, hauling the box inside.

"You know, big night of reading a chick lit book and eating too many of the cookie Arlene at the desk in the lobby gives us all for Christmas," Olivia said.

"You're not even going to watch a Christmas movie?" Elliot asked. "No Christmas Story? No It's a Wonderful Life? No Christmas Vacation? You're not going to listen to Bing Crosby and look at the tree or the lights?"

"Nope, can't say that any of that was in the plans," she said. "Especially given the fact that there's no lights or trees, and I don't own any of those movies."

"Then you might want to go take a little look in the box," Elliot said, giving it a small kick.

"You didn't," Olivia said with a groan, popping open the flaps.

"Oh I absolutely did," Elliot said, bending down to pull out his little tree and the strings of lights from his window, a few movies, stuff to bake cookies, and a bottle of wine.

"Only thing I didn't bring was food," Elliot said, holding the tree in one hand and trying to figure out where to put it. "Figured we could order from somewhere nearby."

"You didn't have to do this," Olivia said. "I know you've been trying to get me to actively celebrate a holiday for years, but this is insane."

"This isn't really for you," Elliot said, making room on a table by the window for the tree. "Well, not completely. I didn't want to be alone. Don't think I could take all the quiet."

"You get used to it, eventually," she said, rooting through a drawer and pulling out a few menus.

"Well, tonight isn't going to be that night," he said, wrapping the lights up around her entertainment console to frame the TV.

He plugged them in and was satisfied things were cheery enough, he joined her at the counter to pick dinner. After she called it in he started heating up the oven.

"We're not seriously baking cookies, are we?" Olivia said. "You've relentlessly teased me about my cooking for years."

"Look, if Dickie can make peanut butter blossoms you can too," Elliot said. "Especially if I'm here to supervise."

It wasn't a Christmas Eve like any he'd ever expected to have, but it was exactly the one he needed. They split their Chinese, drank the whole bottle of wine, threw flour at each other, and laughed harder than he had in a long time.

She'd chosen A Christmas Story for their movie, claiming she'd never seen it. Elliot was shocked, given that it was tradition in the Stabler house and he swore he could quote the thing line for line by now.

She'd wrapped herself up in a blanket on one end of the couch, eventually conceding to share it with him just about the time Ralphie got his decoder ring. She'd moved closer so they could share it, then slowly nodded off, her head dropping to his shoulder, missing the fight with Scut Farcus and the incident with Santa at the department store.

By the time Ralphie's parents were enjoying their quiet Christmas night she was completely out. He'd fit his arm around her and she'd been using him as a pillow. He glanced out the window to see the snow reflected in the lights of the tree, the notes of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas," playing from the credits.

He didn't dare wake her, just reached for the remote and shut off the TV. They stayed on the couch the entire night, waking up Christmas morning in more or less the same position

"El, I'm so sorry I fell asleep," Olivia said, sitting up, trying to tame her morning flyaways. "Didn't mean to trap you in like that. You should have woken me up."

"It was snowing anyway," Elliot said. "Didn't feel like driving back to an empty apartment. Roads are probably clear now, or clear enough to get over to Kathy's and take the kids their presents."

"I'm just going to go brush my teeth," she said. "Help yourself to anything breakfast-like you can find. Coffee is in the top cabinet."

She'd skittered off to the bathroom and he started the coffee and grabbed a bagel from the bread box, the only thing that looked remotely edible aside from their leftover cookies. He slid her present under the tree, too, intending to leave the decorations, hoping she'd find it later.

"Tell the kids and Kathy I said Merry Christmas," Olivia said as she walked him to the door. "And Merry Christmas to you too, El. Thanks for coming over last night. It was fun."

"It was, wasn't it?" Elliot said. "Merry Christmas Liv."

He wondered how long it would take her to find her gift. He'd spent more on it this year than he had in the past, but she was worth it. It was just a gift between partners. Except it wasn't.


If you ever need me, if you find yourself alone

Christmas is a season, lights like you glow all year long


The second half of the year, following what happened with Jenna and putting in his papers, it all felt like a blur. Somehow, suddenly, it was Christmas again.

Eli was four. It would probably be one of the first Christmases he'd remember, and Elliot wasn't in the mood to celebrate at all. He hadn't been in the mood to do much of anything since the day he pulled that trigger. It was meetings with IAB and missed messages from Liv that he never returned because if he heard that tone of voice she used, the one where she dropped her words and whispered like they were the only two people in the world, like she was the only person who got him… he would never have been able to hand Cragen his papers and leave that squad, that precinct, or her.

He knew it was over the second the bullet left his gun. He couldn't be in Special Victims anymore when he'd killed one, a teenager no less. He couldn't be the partner Olivia needed and deserved. Couldn't risk freezing in a dangerous situation and doing something that would get her killed. Couldn't wrangle with Tucker and put her job and reputation on the line. Especially after he'd commented years earlier how when you find a dirty cop usually their partner has secrets too.

But the hardest part of it all had been leaving her without a word and leaving her alone.

He knew her well enough to know it would feel like an abandonment. That it would confirm all her worst fears that she couldn't trust or rely on anyone but herself. That she'd think there's something she could have said or done to make him stay. And that's why he knew he was a chickenshit coward. Because as wrong as all those thoughts of hers would be, she'd have them anyway and believe them because he wasn't man enough to do what needed to be done and still give her the courtesy of telling her goodbye.

It was worse tonight, on Christmas Eve. The self loathing, the shame, the anger. He'd always tried to make Christmas special for her in some way, whether it was leaving a gag gift on her chair or surprising her with that movie night a few years ago. What was anybody doing for her this year?

Elliot made an excuse to get out of the house. Told Kathy they'd forgotten batteries and they'd need them tomorrow morning after Eli opened his toys. He drove to the only grocery store in Queens that he knew still had a payphone and he stood outside, freezing his nuts off, calling the precinct.

"Manhattan Special Victims, Detective Benson speaking, how may I help you?" the voice said on the other end of the line.

He didn't say anything. Couldn't say anything. He just let out a sigh.

"Hello?" she asked. "Anybody there? We can help you."

He could hear somebody else mumbling in the back, sounded like a woman's southern drawl. She wasn't alone, and that's all he wanted to know for sure. He didn't say anything else and hung up the receiver.

He forgot the batteries altogether and when Kathy asked where they were he lied and told her the store was out of them.


Nothing has changed, I still wish you could be

Wrapped up in my arms, spending Christmas with me


This was the first Christmas the Stabler clan had been back in New York in five years. They'd been in Rome where he'd taken to working private security, but after stumbling upon a crime syndicate with ties to New York during one of his jobs, he became reinstated and was working for the Organized Crime Task Force.

They'd come home to spend Christmas with his mother, and for him to meet some of his New York contacts in person. Many people on this trip had asked him how they ended up in Rome in the first place. The suburban Stablers taking on an ancient city. He'd spewed every lie from a change of scenery to making up for lost time with his wife. But the truth he wouldn't admit to anyone was after that first year he couldn't take being in New York anymore and never seeing Olivia. It hurt too much, so he literally ran across the globe to ensure there would be no chance of catching a glance of her on the subway, or running into her as he rounded a corner in Manhattan.

It didn't matter though, he still saw her everywhere he went in Rome, in the faces of strangers and the works of art. In his own dreams.

Being home for Christmas somehow made it worse. He'd already gone past her apartment, not finding the courage to go up and see her, assuming she still lived there. She could be married by now, maybe even moved out of the city. In fact, who knew if she was in New York anymore at all?

They'd taken Eli to do all the Christmas touristy things they could in New York, to give him some of the memories their siblings had of Christmases past. The Macy's windows, the tree in Rockefeller Center. And at each stop, he couldn't help but picture Olivia there with them, telling stories about each thing's history to a wide-eyed Eli, the two of them holding hands as they walked. His son and his guardian angel.

It wasn't that he didn't love Kathy or the family they'd built, but Olivia and New York would always be intertwined in his mind. And he knew how she got at Christmas. He knew how she would throw herself into work, take shifts so other people could spend time with their families. She'd make a big deal of decorating the office while she left her apartment bare. She'd buy gifts for the squad and half the people in the 1-6 without expecting a thing in return. How she would do everything in her power to make everyone else feel the joy of the season and nobody would put that same effort into making sure hers was just as magical.

He used to be the one who could at least try. He never missed a gift or a Christmas party, or finding some way to make her smile that real Olivia smile, the one she only got when she somehow couldn't fathom why someone would do something just for her, just because they could, and actually mean it. It was his favorite smile because it meant he'd truly gotten through to her, to getting her to think that her presence in this world was worth it.

As the entire family descended on the pews for midnight Mass, Elliot wondered where Olivia was tonight. He'd considered calling SVU again like he'd done a few years ago, but if she wasn't there, if there was the possibility she was alone tonight, he wouldn't be able to stop himself from finding her, which at this point, after 6 years of radio silence, probably wasn't the best idea.

So he sat dutifully in the pew, shaking hands at the sign of peace, kneeling when it was time, bowing his head before taking communion, all the while praying that wherever Olivia was, she was with someone who was making her holiday merry and bright.


When it gets cold is when I notice the most

With all the lights on the trees, even Christmas can't compete with your glow


At this point, Elliot had spent nearly as many Christmas seasons with Olivia as he did without her. It was like clockwork as the chill would hit the Italian air in November, he'd get wistful for the bustle and chaos of the city that started with the Thanksgiving Day parade and didn't end until the ball dropped on midnight for the new year.

When the calendar turned to December the ache would settle in his chest. It'd been 10 years since their last Christmas season together. She'd been so broken that year after everything that happened with Calvin. It'd been the hardest thing he ever had to do, holding her back as child services dragged the boy away, telling her the arrangement was always temporary. It gutted him. Just because it was true didn't mean it was what she needed to hear, but he'd said it anyway.

He tried to make up for it one night in mid December. He told Kathy he was taking Eli Christmas shopping, which he did, after they made a detour to Liv's apartment. He truthfully didn't know if it would make things better or worse to show up unannounced at her door with a three-year-old so soon after what happened, but it turned out to be a win. She cuddled with Eli on the couch and read him a few Christmas storybooks Elliot had snuck into his diaper bag. They sang some Christmas songs together which dissolved Eli to giggles when she pretended to get the words wrong.

God, he knew she'd always be a fantastic mother, and he just couldn't understand why the universe wouldn't let it be.

"Go give Aunt Olivia a big hug and kiss before we go," Elliot said after zipping Eli's coat up.

The toddler was all too excited to launch himself up into her arms and plant a sloppy kiss right on her lips.

"Thank you for coming to visit me, Eli," Olivia said, setting the boy back on the ground.

"Daddy, you hug and kiss Livia too," Eli said, standing expectantly at her feet.

The adults in the room looked at each other and Elliot made the decision for them, striding toward her and pulling her into his arms, giving her a peck on the cheek. Before pulling back he whispered in her ear.

"It's going to happen for you, Liv," Elliot said. "You're going to be the most incredible mother and I can't wait to see it all. But for now, you've got one nephew who clearly loves you very much."

He didn't miss the way her eyes mist over when he called Eli her nephew.

"You know, you might break his heart if you don't come see him on Christmas," Elliot said.

"I work Christmas Eve," she said. "Kathy might not want to entertain somebody on the holidays."

"They're for family, Liv," he said. "You're family. Come for just a little bit."

She eventually agreed and came bearing gifts for all of them. She spent the majority of the day on the floor with Eli, playing with his new toys. It was a memory he still held onto to this day as his sweet boy turned into a surly teenager before his eyes and his partner was nothing more than one of the most important people in his past, those memories shining brighter than the lights on their Christmas tree.


Oh, reckless spending as I'm dreaming about how to get you alone

A little wine, slow dance, and making memories to mistletoe


The last year had been hell. It started with a car bomb and ended with Eli trying to run away from home. Elliot still wasn't in his right mind and yet he felt compelled to try to make some kind of Christmas celebration for the kids.

It was their first one back in New York and there'd just been so much pain and avoidance all year, they needed family time. He was racking up credit card bills buying presents and decorations and food. He knew it was ridiculous, but he couldn't stop himself. He needed to do something to feel something to bring that magic of Christmas back, even for just a few hours.

He knew what would do it: having Olivia and Noah there to celebrate with them. Noah was young enough to probably still believe in Santa and all that childhood wonder that made Christmas as special as it could be. And if Olivia came over to spend it with them there was a chance they could have some time alone, a glass of wine, a dance, some time under the mistletoe? Something like some of their past Christmas celebrations, only better because there weren't any lines they had to avoid anymore. They didn't work together like they used to. Neither of them was married. Wherever something went, it could go now.

"What are you doing Christmas Eve?" he texted her one evening in mid December.

"We've been over this," she replied. "It's 'What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?'"

"That joke wasn't funny years ago and it's not funny now," he answered.

"Noah and I usually bake cookies and watch a Christmas movie on Christmas Eve," she answered.

Memories of the Christmas he and Kathy were separated flooded back to him.

"Feel like having a change of plans?" Elliot asked. "Or at least change of location?"

"You need to be with your family," Olivia said. "The first one after a hard year is always the most difficult. You don't need us hanging around."

When was she going to understand that she was family and he was always going to need her.

"I believe I've told you before that you are family, Liv," Elliot wrote. "Please say yes."

"Only if Eli and the others are okay with it," Olivia answered.

"They are," Elliot said. He hadn't asked exactly, but rather told them he was inviting Olivia and her son to join them. "Pick you up around 4 on Christmas Eve."

"We'll be ready," Olivia said. "And we'll bring the baking supplies."

He couldn't stop the grin from spreading across his face, not just because the Bensons were spending Christmas with them, but because he'd also get to meet Noah officially for the first time.

His next thought was how he could get the kid to fall asleep early so he could spend time alone with Olivia.


Did you know that I thought about telling you a hundred times before?

And I'm standing in the hall 'cause I couldn't wait anymore


Elliot's palms were sweating as he stood in the hallway and knocked on Olivia's apartment door. He hadn't been here since the night of the drugging incident, something he'd rather forget.

"You made it," Olivia said, opening the door. "Sober even."

He saw her smirk. She was enjoying his discomfort.

"Hardy har," he said, stepping into the living room.

He noticed two small bags by the door. He'd told them to dress comfortably but bring something nicer for later. He was going to try to convince them to come to midnight Mass with him after he'd gotten their bellies full of Mama's Christmas ham and given Liv jusssst enough wine that she'd agree because she was too relaxed for a full-fledged argument.

Noah came out of his room pushing a box of presents across the floor.

"Ready," he said, standing up and wiping his hands on his jeans.

"Noah, I'd like you to meet my friend, Elliot," Olivia said. "Elliot, this is my son, Noah."

"Nice to meet you," Elliot said, crouching to Noah's level and sticking out his hand.

"You too," Noah said. "Have I seen you before?"

"I met your mom at the park one time earlier this year," he said. "You were sledding."

"Oh yeah," Noah said. "But you're also the guy from the pictures. Except you had more hair."

"The pictures?" Elliot asked, confused.

"Ok, Noh, let's go," Olivia said, pushing him toward the coat rack. "El can you get the box of gifts, I'll get the baking stuff, and Noah you can get the two bags by the door."

The ride to the apartment was short, and his mother and the girls made a big fuss over them when they arrived. Noah was the center of attention. Even Eli broke his newly developed cool guy persona to ask Noah about his interests and then invite him to play Mario Kart with him and Dickie on Nintendo Switch before dinner.

Elliot stood off to the side for a minute, watching the bustle of everything unfolding before him. The boys parked in front of the TV, the girls fluttering around the table, his mother in the kitchen. It was clear that Kathy was missing and that hurt, but he wasn't sorry for the scene in front of him. Especially not after he nearly lost it all to the Eddie Ashes undercover operation.

"Whatcha thinking about?" Olivia whispered to him, coming up beside him and startling him.

"How different things are this year," Elliot said. "But not all of it's bad."

"Thanks for inviting us," Olivia said. "Noah's in heaven having some guy time."

"I wanted you here," he said. "You know I…"

The words caught in his throat. He almost told her he loved her again. But he didn't want to ruin things, make them complicated.

"I missed a lot of Christmases in New York, missed seeing you have a real Christmas with Noah," Elliot said. "I didn't want to let that go on another year."

"Ham's ready," Bernie called, sending the kids, including Noah, running for their plates.

"I'm glad you didn't," Olivia said, squeezing his bicep and going to retrieve her own plate.

He watched her help Noah fill his plate, smile at his mother, and give Kathleen a side hug. This felt right, all of them here together, and he smiled in spite of himself.


I could make you laugh, I would never let you down

My list in the past, Santa is indifferent now


Dinner and the evening had gone well. They told stories about past Christmases and Noah hung on every word. Olivia even told stories about Kathy and a few incidents with getting presents for the kids that Elliot hadn't even heard.

"You mean Mom asked you if you could find the Amazing Amy doll I wanted so bad?" Lizzie asked.

"She looked everywhere," Olivia said. "I think she was calling for your dad but I picked up his phone because he wasn't at his desk. It took us two weeks but we tracked down the doll."

"That's crazy," Lizzie said with a laugh.

It was good to see his kids laughing, to see Olivia laughing. He was so in awe of watching her be a mother. It was everything he knew she could be and more. They all baked peanut butter blossoms and settled in to watch a Christmas movie while they were in the oven.

"What are we watching?" Elliot asked, walking to the DVD cabinet. He refused to pay for streaming and instead made them schlep all their discs back from Rome.

"A Christmas Story," Noah piped up. "That's the one Mom usually picks. And yet she always falls asleep before the end."

"Is that so," Elliot said with a smirk, looking at Olivia and seeing her cheeks redden. "The rest of you cool with that?"

"It's Stabler family tradition," Maureen said from her place on the loveseat with Carl. "We've been watching that since I was a kid."

"Maybe we'll keep Liv up for the whole thing this year," Elliot said, popping the DVD in the player and then taking his spot between Noah and Eli on the couch.

Every time he saw her start to drift, Elliot poked Liv in the shoulder or encouraged Noah to tickle her so she'd stay awake.

"I guess I've always missed the best part," Olivia said, taking a bite out of a peanut butter blossom. "That scene over the credits is gorgeous."

"We tried to tell you," Elliot said, Noah nodding right behind him.

"It's getting kind of late," Olivia said. "We should probably start thinking about heading back home."

"Actually, I was kind of hoping you'd both come to midnight Mass with us," Elliot said. "That's why I wanted you to bring dress clothes.

"Oh El, that's awfully late for you to be driving us home," Olivia said.

"I don't mind," he said. "I'd like it if you were there."

"You sure the church won't burst into flames if I walk through the doors?" she asked with a smirk.

"Hasn't done it when I've walked in yet," he said. "You're probably safe."

"Noah, do you want to go to church with the Stablers?" Olivia asked him.

"Sure," Noah said.

"We'll probably leave at 10 to get a pew," Elliot said. "If you guys want to start getting ready. You can take my room."

Olivia herded Noah off to Elliot's room so they could change. She got him situated, all except for his tie, and sent him back out so she could get dressed. Elliot was half dressed himself, buttoning up his shirt when Noah came out.

"You need help with your tie, buddy?" Elliot asked.

"Mom said she'd do it when she came out," Noah said.

"Want to learn how to do it yourself?" Elliot asked.

"Sure!" Noah said.

"Alright let's go over to the mirror," Elliot said, leading Noah to the mirror in the entryway.

He stood behind Noah, explaining how to move the tie to get it into a knot. The kid did a pretty good job. All Elliot had to do was straighten it for him. When he looked up, Olivia was standing there watching him.

She was in another red dress, different from the one she wore nearly 25 years ago, but looking just as radiant. She was curvier now, her hair was longer, curly, her makeup a little more natural but still stunning. He was suddenly 30 again, and had forgotten how to speak.

"Noah, did you do that all by yourself?" she asked, bending down to get a look at his tie, giving Elliot an eyeful that this time he could admire and enjoy without guilt.

"Elliot taught me," Noah said.

"I guess he did," Olivia said, straightening up and looking him in the eye with one of her smiles of disbelief.

"We ready?" Dickie asked, emerging from Eli's room with the teenager in tow. The rest of the girls piled out of Bernie's room all glitzed and glammed.

They piled out to their respective cars. Maureen and Carl were heading home tonight and spending tomorrow with his family and Lizzie had an early shift at the nursing home. Dickie and Kathleen would be back over tomorrow but weren't spending the night.

Mass was beautiful, though Noah almost fell asleep halfway through and Elliot carried him back to the car. What none of them anticipated was the snow that fell while they were inside.

"I knew we should have gone home earlier," Liv said.

"We'll all go back to my place," Elliot said. "It's closest to church. Everybody can stay the night."

"But what about Santa," Noah asked. "He won't know how to find me at Elliot's apartment."

"Well honey, even if Santa comes to our house you can get your presents tomorrow," Olivia said. "Everything will be fine."

Elliot could tell she was disappointed that Noah might be sad or anxious, but he was selfishly a little excited to have all the kids and Olivia and Noah spend the night for Christmas Eve.

Kathleen had been the one to take charge back at the apartment, hammering out sleeping arrangements: all the boys in Eli's room, Lizzie and Mo in the living room, Kathleen and Bernie in her room.

"You forgot Liv," Elliot whispered to Kathleen.

"No, I didn't," Kathleen said.

"Yeah, you did," Elliot said. "You have to take another one of your sisters into Grandma's room with you so I can have the couch and Liv can have my bed."

"Your Christmas gift kinda sucks this year," Kathleen said. "So why don't you just take the sleeping arrangements as a special one from me to you, alright?"

Eli let Noah borrow some sweats and Elliot let Dickie and Olivia borrow some from him. Somehow all his girls had gym bags with t-shirts and yoga pants in their cars. They found an air mattress for Kathleen and two sleeping bags for Dickie and Noah, and extra blankets and pillows for the girls on the couches.

"Mom, do you think we can still put out milk and cookies for Santa," Noah asked. "Just in case?"

Olivia looked at Elliot and he nodded.

"I don't see why not," Olivia said.

The older kids made a pretty big show of helping Noah pick a plate and a mug for the milk and cookies. Dickie suggested beer and nachos instead, causing his twin to elbow him in the ribs and Eli to laugh.

"Should we read The Night Before Christmas, too?" Maureen asked. "I swear that was always Dad's favorite part, holding court, imitating Fonzie."

Everyone gathered in the living room for Elliot to read the story. It was well beyond midnight by now but it was a perfect way to end the evening. Olivia and Elliot got Noah tucked into his sleeping bag, bid goodnight to the other kids, and both retreated to his bedroom behind an unlocked door… just in case Noah needed Olivia in the middle of the night.

Elliot didn't miss the fact that not one of his kids raised an eyebrow at him and Olivia sharing a room tonight, and if the only reason it happened at all wasn't because of snow, he would have thought the planned the whole thing.

He grabbed a pillow off the bed and an extra blanket folded up at the foot.

"I'll just crash down here tonight," Elliot said, arranging the items on the floor.

"Are you on the naughty or nice list this year, Stabler?" Olivia asked, perched on the side of the bed.

If he thought she looked good in her dress tonight she looked even better in his clothes.

"As much as I'd like to think I'm on the nice list, I think we both know that's not the case," Elliot said.

"That's probably a good thing," Olivia said. "Because I don't think someone on the nice list would share a bed with me with seven of our family members outside that door. But somebody on the naught list might."

"Liv, I'm fine on the floor, really," he said.

"That wasn't a request, Detective," Olivia said, her expression serious but her eyes dancing with humor and danger.

Elliot picked himself up off the floor.

"Copy, Captain," he said, returning his pillow to its rightful place and sliding into bed next to her.


Just so you know

Nothing has changed, I still wish you could be

Wrapped up in my arms, spending Christmas with me


"Do you remember that Christmas Eve you came over and we ate takeout and watched a movie?" she asked him after a few minutes of laying side by side, stiff as boards.

"Yeah," Elliot said. "Tonight kinda felt like that. Cookies, movie, and all."

"You remember how that night ended?" she asked.

"You fell asleep before it was over," he said. "On my shoulder and held me captive all night."

"Well you said tonight was a lot like that one," she said. "Why don't we make it a complete repeat performance?"

Elliot swallowed hard. It's not that he didn't want that. Boy, did he want that. But being widowed, being in a bed, being away from her for so damn long… he didn't know if he could control himself. But, it was worth a try to have her close to him.

Tentatively, Elliot slid closer to the middle of the mattress and he felt her do the same, until he had his arms wrapped around her. They both shifted, trying to get comfortable and he snagged a finger on her necklace clasp.

"Sorry," he said, leaning down, trying to shift it back into place.

The golden chain and the heart charm caught his eye, and he slid a finger down to capture the charm in his hand. Examining it, there was an "O" scratched into the front and he knew there was a clip on the right side where it would open.

"Liv," Elliot said. "You still have this?"

"Yeah," she said. "I'm still a little disappointed you left it under the tree all those years ago instead of giving it to me yourself."

"I was a chickenshit," he said. "Didn't know how you'd react."

"Didn't know how my separated partner would react to him giving me jewelry for Christmas?" Olivia asked. "A heart shaped locket with a picture of us at our first precinct Christmas party inside?"

"Exactly," Elliot said.

"It was a bold little move, Stabler," she said. "I wore it a lot while you were gone. Made me feel closer to you. Until one day Rollins asked me what was inside and I got defensive and wouldn't show her. Stopped wearing it after that. At least to work."

A lump rose in his throat thinking about all the time they lost. All the time she felt she had to hide him from the people who became so important to her.

"I added a little something though," she said. "Hope that's all right. Pop it open and see."

Slowly, Elliot unclasped the charm to open the heart. The picture of them from the Christmas party was still there, but on the other side was a picture of her and Noah on what looked like his baptism day.

"So I could have my two favorite people close to my heart," she said.

"I don't know what to say," Elliot said.

"Just tell me Merry Christmas," Olivia said. "And we'll see where things go in the morning."

"Merry Christmas, Liv," he said, leaning down to place a kiss on her forehead.

"Merry Christmas, El," she said, snuggling into his chest and falling asleep.

He laid awake for a while, staring out the window across from his bed. It eventually stopped snowing and he heard a plow go up the street. He checked the time, 2:30 a.m., and got a wonderfully perfect idea.

He slowly slid his arms from around Olivia, grabbed a hoodie from his closet and his running shoes. Then he found her purse in the kitchen, took her house keys, and slid out the terrace door to make a little Christmas magic happen.


When it gets cold is when I notice the most

With all the lights on the trees, even Christmas can't compete with your glow


The roads were clear enough to make it the fifteen blocks to Olivia's apartment without incident. The cold nipped at him, and Elliot realized he should have worn a heavier jacket, but he hoped this wouldn't take long. He made his way into Liv's apartment and easily found her present hiding spots and grabbed Noah's presents to her, probably from his secret Santa workshop at school, and piled them all into two boxes.

He got everything out to the SUV and into the house without anyone noticing. He crept to the tree and spread the presents around, along with the ones they'd brought earlier and all the other Stabler presents to and from the kids. He downed the milk and bit into the cookies for good measure, then crept back to bed, wrapped his arms around Olivia, and settled in for a long winter's nap.

Which turned out to only be about four hours of sleep before Noah came bounding into his bedroom at 8 a.m.

"Mom, Elliot," Noah whispered, loudly. "Santa came! He found me!"

"What baby?" Olivia said, rolling over and looking over Elliot at Noah.

"Santa came," he said. "You have to come see!"

Elliot could hear sounds of commotion out in the living room. He could hear his mother cursing at the electronic coffee machine and Maureen helping her. Eli and Dickie were bickering over who had more presents. Lizzie and Kathleen had Noah shaking presents, trying to guess what was inside.

"What's he talking about?" Olivia asked, sitting up and rubbing her eyes.

"Christmas miracle, I guess," Elliot said, sitting up with a yawn.

He grabbed a long-sleeve t-shirt out of the closet and tossed her a hoodie and they made their way out with the rest of the family.

"I told you Santa found me, Mom," Noah said. "He must have stopped at our house and realized we weren't there. He even brought my gifts for you here too."

Elliot couldn't help but grin like a Cheshire cat at the way Olivia's entire face lit up. It was the thing he'd been trying to do for her for 25 years, put some magic in this holiday.

"That Santa is something," Olivia said, sitting down on the couch next to Kathleen. "He deserves a bigger reward than milk and cookies."

"You might not want to let him hear that," Elliot said in a whisper, coming up behind her. "He might hold you to it."

Elliot had to stifle a chuckle because Kathleen heard, made a grossed out face and shook her head.

"Can we start opening now?" Noah asked.

"Pass stuff out to everybody, kid," Dickie said. "And let's get this party started."


It's a shame you can't see

Even Christmas can't compete with your glow


The morning was a tornado of paper flying, hugging, squealing, and laughter. Bernie made cinnamon rolls. Lizzie and Maureen got on the road to get to work and other obligations. Kathleen was busy straightening up the chaos while the three boys all tried to figure out how to work Noah's new robotics kit, batteries included.

Elliot had gone out to the terrace to breathe for a minute. He'd loved every minute of last night and today, but it suddenly hit him that Kathy wasn't here. She wasn't a part of everything that went down. And despite the way things ended, despite her dictating the letter and just everything that went down, he missed her.

He was trying to get himself composed when he heard the terrace door open.

"You okay, partner?" Olivia asked, stepping outside and shutting the door.

"Just taking a minute," Elliot said.

"It's okay to miss her, you know," Olivia said. "All those firsts are hard."

"Didn't think you'd be the one to be her cheerleader after the letter and all," Elliot said.

"She was your wife, El," Olivia said. "You loved her. She and I clearly had more differences and obstacles than I thought, but I'd never expect you to just forget her, or ignore her memory just because Noah and I are here."

"I didn't think it'd hit this hard," Elliot said. "But Kathleen in there, straightening up like that. That's what got me. She looks just like her mother."

"She was a good mother, Elliot," Olivia said. "They were lucky to have her."

"Noah's lucky to have you too," Elliot said. "I wish I hadn't missed those last seven Christmases with you, seeing the first time you guys got a tree or the first time he was able to open his presents by himself."

"Well, maybe you'll be around for the next seven, or more," Olivia said.

"Maybe," Elliot answered.

"It's really cold out here," she said, rubbing her hands together. "You ready to go back in?"

"Sure," he said, following her back through the glass door.

They stood there for a moment, side by side, watching their boys building and talking and laughing. It felt right. Elliot looked over to Olivia who, too, was beaming with pride.

"You two are standing under the mistletoe," Bernie said, passing by them to get to her chair, a cinnamon roll in hand.

They both looked up. That hadn't been there five minutes ago when he walked outside. He was sure of it.

He glanced over at Kathleen who was putting the stepstool back in the hall closet and realized they'd been set up.

"What happens if you break tradition, El?" Olivia asked. "If you walk out from under the mistletoe without a kiss?"

"I'm not sure," Elliot said. "But I don't think I want to take the chance and find out."

Slowly, he lowered his head until their lips met. It was a sweet, slow, perfectly respectable-for-being-in-family-company kiss, but it set Elliot's body and soul on fire. When they pulled back Olivia was beaming. Her eyes were sparkling, her cheeks rosy, her skin glowing. Elliot reached a hand up to cup her cheek.

"God, you're beautiful," Elliot said.

"You're not so bad yourself, El," she said.

"You have a good Christmas?" he asked.

"The best one yet," Olivia said. "Thanks for making it magical."

"You've been making things magical for me for over 25 years," Elliot said. "It was long overdue to repay the favor."

"Only thing now is, how are you going to top this next Christmas?" Olivia said with a grin.

"Don't worry," he said. "I've already got something in mind."

Elliot took her hand and led her to the couch. Kathleen had cued up her Christmas playlist and "O Holy Night" was playing softly in the background. He stole one more glance at Olivia, watching their kids, the lights giving her face a warm glow. And in that moment he was certain, things didn't get much better than this.


A/N: Absolute shameless fluff. Can't wait for that crossover next week even though there's like a 90% chance it's going to leave us fuming. If I'm not back before December is over (but I have another half-written one shot, so I might be), have a safe and happy holiday season, everyone!