Forever…. That fated word of his. Forever. The forever that I never set eyes on, the forever I will never have. Not because we didn't try. Oh, that inevitable prom night. I used to think to myself, so many centuries away 'If Edward hadn't taken me to prom…' Yet, now I know my true lament. If only I hadn't asked him to Change me. If only…
Yes, I am a Cullen now. Isabella Cullen. It has a ring to it, doesn't it? Bella Cullen. For so many years, I have mourned. So many people have been taken from my life, my prolonged life, as what Edward described as a 'monster'.
It is a monster of a life to live. Who would have thought that Edward and I would switch roles? We both knew, back then, if he didn't Change me, we wouldn't have that dreamed of forever. Yet, no one gave the thought to the idea that it might be me that looses our forever, the one that must live on with the knowledge that that the other is gone.
And Edward is gone from my life. He had been so worried that I would not be able to survive the pain, the fire. He never even thought that, perhaps, it would be him that couldn't face the hurt. We both never thought that it would be him, my Greek god, that would be the one half crazed with pain.
Alice never gave me the details of Edward's death. She was so distraught... Full of fury to herself that she had not seen this outcome in time to save him, my Edward. I never saw his last moments of what we call life. I was lost in the fire… Edward hadn't described the pain well enough, truthfully. It was worse, far worse.
Yet, however bad it was for me, my hurt was inferior to his. My Edward… He couldn't stand to see me in pain, screaming for him to make the fire stop rushing through my veins. I can only imagine the guilt in him, the guilt of how he had given in, put me through this. Even if I did say it was what I wanted.
He killed himself. Alice never told me how, and I wasn't conscious when he did. She and Jasper tend to coddle me, even after these years, these centuries. They are right to, the hurt lives on. It doesn't ebb as time passes, it grows. Already I can hardly stand to leave his room, my room now. Sometimes I need Jasper with me every moment, just to keep myself from damaging something, most likely myself, because however bad his guilt was, mine is far worse.
I cannot stop blaming myself for his demise. It's my fault for persisting in asking him to Change me. My fault for never giving him peace, it is my fault that we didn't even have a few more years together, let alone forever.
Sorrow is my constant companion, as is remorse and self-reproach. I love him, my Edward, and I hate myself. Rosalie pities me now, hunts with me, tells me that I can make it through the grief. Emmett can't stand to be around me, can't stand to see the pain I am in. I don't blame Emmett for it, don't blame him for fleeing a room if I appear. Carlisle and Esme try to help me in any way that they can, but they don't understand. Not even Alice understands how horrible it is to think, every moment of the day, every moment of the night, that I will never see his face again, never again see his anger at me for putting myself in danger once more.
I cannot possibly blame him for killing himself of guilt and shame. He loved me just as much as I love him. I hated to see Edward angry and I can only imagine what it was like for him to see me in pain.
For that is what I do, every moment of my life. Think of him, and think of how I could have spared him that ache, spared myself this hatred. Yet there is no way to go back, no way to change the past.
I can only look toward the future, the forever that I know I will spend thinking of how I ruined Edward, and how I ruined myself.
Isabella Cullen. Is that name worth what I have done to achieve it?
