Chapter 68: We'll figure it out.
Jay/Hailey. Set after series 7. At Kim and Adam's wedding, Jay and Hailey finally confessed their feelings and spent the night together and now they are back in Chicago and hiding their relationship from their friends.
Here is the next chapter. It is the longest chapter so far in this story! :)
It was a challenging chapter to write, but I enjoyed it. I am not a medical expert. This is a defining chapter for Jay and Hailey and would love to know what you think of it and where the story will go after this. I appreciate all of the reviews for this story so far :)
Please read, enjoy and review :)
It had now been almost 6 months since Hailey's phantom pregnancy. A.J was now 4 months old and Kim was back at work in the Intelligence Unit. She was missing her baby boy, but she also loved her work. For the past 4 months, Hailey and Jay had been trying to conceive a baby, but still no luck. Neither of them were as stressed as they had been when they had first been trying, since they had taken a break for a couple of months and Hailey saw her period arriving as a sign that it could happen, that it would happen. She and Jay had made a promise to each other; that they would have their baby, but it hadn't happened yet and Jay thought that it was time for them to have some fertility tests, as the doctor had suggested when they had experienced Hailey's phantom pregnancy, but both he and Hailey wanted to have those tests done at a different hospital. Will and Natalie didn't know about their problems to conceive and neither of them wanted to risk Will or Natalie finding out, even if they just saw them at the hospital. The only person who knew was Hailey's mum and she had no intention of telling anyone. She just wanted to support Hailey through this time. Neither Hailey nor Jay wanted anyone else to know, because they didn't want the pity or stress from anyone else, when they were doing their best to be as positive about it as possible, because they had each other. No matter what, Jay and Hailey had each other and they loved each other and, as Hailey's mum had said, they needed to hold onto each other, during this time.
In Intelligence, it had become clear that Vanessa needed a partner, so Jay had called in a favour and had Julie Tay, one of Kim's former partners assigned to Intelligence as Vanessa's partner. She was a good police officer, with great instincts and she and Kim were great friends and had kept in touch ever since they had been partnered together years ago. She had ever been at Kim and Adam's wedding. Tay respected Jay as their Sergeant of the Intelligence Unit and saw him as a very different sergeant from Voight. He was commanding, ruthlessly focused and caring and compassionate at the same time and it wasn't until Vanessa told her that she knew that Jay and Hailey were married. Detective Upton was married to Sergeant Halstead. Vanessa told her they had been partners for years before they had finally got together at Kim and Adam's wedding and that they had eloped. Vanessa thought it was romantic, but there was still a part of her that sensed that there was something she didn't trust about Jay. Tay knew, from Vanessa, that Jay had a daughter from a previous relationship, but Vanessa made it clear that she and Hailey were close. To Tay, it was clear that Vanessa missed the close friendship she had once shared with Hailey; so much had changed since she had left. When Vanessa had left, Hailey had had a mystery boyfriend and by the time she had returned, Hailey was married, to her former partner, Jay Halstead. Kim told her nothing about the team or about Hailey or Jay and Tay knew where Kim's loyalty lay, with Hailey and Jay.
As a newcomer to Intelligence, Tay was able to observe everything with a new eye. Sergeant Halstead and Detective Upton were clearly good partners; even though Sergeant Halstead was in charge of the unit and Detective Upton's partner was Ruzek, Kim's husband, it was clear that the Sergeant's de-facto partner was Detective Upton. Neither of them wore wedding rings at work, but on the odd occasion that Tay had seen them outside of work, the married couple had been wearing them, as well as an engagement ring on Hailey's finger. As a keen observer, Tay could tell that there was something troubling the married couple and she noticed that neither of them drank alcohol, or had coffee and Ruzek told her this was a new development. The two of them clearly loved each other and Tay guessed what their concern was, with regard to what they drank.
The unit was on a half-shift, so Hailey and Jay had spent the morning together, before Hailey had gone to have lunch with her mum, whilst Jay met up with Will to play basketball. After her father had turned up, Hailey had wanted her mum to know that she didn't blame her for what had happened. She valued the relationship she and her mum had built over the past years, especially now that she and Jay were trying to have a baby.
As Hailey shrugged her jacket off, Jay was sitting in the kitchen, reading the newspaper. He looked up and smiled, "Hey, how was your mum?"
She smiled back at him and nodded, smiling at the thought of the good relationship she now had with her mum, one which had not existed in previous years. "She was good. It was nice to see her and we put what happened with my dad behind us." Hailey paused, unsure about whether to mention to Jay that her mum had asked her how she and Jay's efforts to conceive a baby.
As if reading her mind, Jay bit his lip and told her, "I-er-I made an appointment for fertility tests tomorrow. We'll go and do our own tests and they'll give us the results in a couple of days." Hailey face fell and her shoulders slumped, so Jay walked over to her and put his hands on her shoulders, with his green eyes looking into her blue eyes, saying softly, "Hailes, I thought you wanted both of us to get checked. We've been trying to have a baby for over a year."
Hailey sighed and put her blonde curls behind her ears before she looked into Jay's green eyes. She nodded sadly and replied, "Yeah, I did. I do, because- something doesn't feel right, does it? It's just that- doing tests makes it feel real and scary."
"It is real. But we want our baby and we need to check everything's OK so we can do that."
Smiling at Jay's kind words and optimism, Hailey nodded, "You're right. Of course you're right, Jay, and everything'll probably be fine." She smirked and said, "But whilst we're waiting, can we try to make a baby again?"
Jay chuckled and shook his head. He kissed her and chuckled softly as he pulled her into a hug. "Unfortunately, we can't. 24 hours before the tests."
Hailey tilted her head and murmured, "That's such a shame, Jay Halstead." She paused, before she looked into his eyes and told him, "Jay, we're not giving up, no matter what the tests say. Somehow, someday, we'll have our baby. I promise."
"And I promise you." Their eyes met and they kissed softly before making their way over to the sofa and wrapping their arms around each other as they watched something on the TV. Jay wrapped his arms around Hailey's shoulders and she rested her head against his, closing her eyes. Hailey smiled to herself as she thought about her and Jay's efforts last month to conceive a baby. They enjoyed what they were doing and it wasn't as stressful as it had been before and, yet, they had still had no luck. They still didn't have their baby and Hailey was glad that they were doing these tests, wanting to be assured that everything was alright. It would just take time, but, ultimately, it was fine. Hailey and Jay loved each other more than anything and it should be that love that would create a baby. It was their promise to each other and Hailey knew that it would come true.
After their shift, Hailey, Kim, Vanessa and Tay made their way to the locker room, where they collected their bags at the end of their shift. Smiling, Vanessa asked, "Who's up for a drink at Molly's? I think we need it after that shift." It had been a shift with about 5 murders and it had been gruesome. "Kim, Tay, you in for shots?" Vanessa released her long, dark hair from its bobble and it fell across her shoulders as she put on her leather jacket.
Kim and Tay glanced at each other, before Kim smiled and replied, "Yeah, we're definitely in. I'll call the babysitter. She can stay for another hour, at least." She paused, then added, "I still can't believe I have two babies."
"I can't believe it! You didn't even have one when I went undercover!" Vanessa remarked, with a laugh, before she asked, "Hailey, are you going to join us for drinks?"
With a soft smile, Hailey nodded, "Yeah, I will." She reached for her overnight bag and picked it up and put it over her shoulder. Her eyes landed on the calendar in her locker, reminding her about her ovulation. She internally sighed. She and Jay had their fertility tests tomorrow at a hospital on the other side of Chicago, but she also didn't want to let Kim, Tay and Vanessa down. Vanessa and Tay left the locker room, but Kim stayed where she was, watching Hailey as she texted her babysitter. When Kim put her phone away, Hailey dropped her bag from her shoulder and said, with a smile, "Kim, if you have something to say, say it. If not, I'll see you at Molly's with Vanessa and Julie."
Kim locked her phone and rested her side against her locker as Hailey crossed her arms against her stomach. Her hair was up in a ponytail and Kim could see the dark circles underneath her eyes. Kim bit her lip and shrugged. "I just wanted to check in on you, see how you're doing. We haven't really talked and the last time we talked you said that you and Jay were working through some things. Are things better now, Hailey?" She paused, then added, "Hailey, I'm not trying to pressure you, but you know I'm here, whenever you're ready to talk." Kim gave her friend a small smile and walked towards the door, but stopped at the sound of Hailey's voice.
In a soft voice, Hailey bowed and shook her head. "Things are getting better and they will get better. I have-" she paused and bit her lip, "I have something to do tomorrow, which I'm really nervous about and Jay is too, but he's trying to be so positive about everything. I wish he'd admit that he's as scared as I am."
Kim walked back over to Hailey and just nodded. "Ok. Okay, well, maybe you should tell Jay that? You guys are always honest with each other." She didn't ask what the test was, but she guessed, but Hailey hadn't told her, so she pretended that she didn't know. It most definitely wasn't her place.
Hailey just nodded and murmured, "Yeah, maybe." She paused, before she added, with a smile, "Let's go."
When Hailey allowed herself to relax, she actually enjoyed her evening with Kim, Tay and Vanessa and it was nice to just be with the three of them. Adam and Kevin were also at Molly's, but they were playing pool. Hailey didn't know where her husband was, but she assumed that he was still at work. Hailey always went over to the bar by herself to order a non-alcoholic drink. She didn't want Kim or Vanessa to see that she wasn't drinking. She wasn't ready to deal with that.
As their evening drew to a close, Kim called a cab and so did Vanessa and Tay, but Hailey called Jay, but he didn't answer. Avery called her and told her that she was close and she would give her a lift.
Sitting in Avery's car, Hailey smiled and asked, "Hey, do you know where your dad is? He isn't answering his phone."
Avery kept her green eyes on the road, before she replied, "Yeah, he's gone for a run. He called me and asked me to make sure you got home safely." She paused, before she said, "Hailey, I know it's not my place, I'm just your stepdaughter, but I can see there's something going on. I can see how stressed you and Dad are and I want you to know, if you want to talk, I'm here."
Tilting her head, Hailey smiled softly and nodded, "Thanks, Avery, but it's your dad's place to tell you, not mine." She was glad that Avery changed the conversation to talk about her university work and friends and, as Hailey watched her, like Jay, she wondered what Avery had been like as a baby, as a toddler. Would their baby be like that? The baby they would one day, somehow, have? Their baby, made from their love for each other.
By the time Hailey returned home, Jay was changing after his shower and Hailey kissed him and indicated that Avery wanted to talk to him, so she had a shower, leaving the two of them to talk. Avery was her stepdaughter, and it wasn't her place.
Jay and Avery sat down and Avery told her dad what she had told Hailey in her car. Jay sighed and ran his hands through his short, dark hair before he began, "Avery, it's something we haven't told anyone, besides Hailey's mum and I need you to be really mature about this." His daughter gave him a look, with a raised eyebrow and Jay smiled. In some ways, she was so like him. "Hailey and I have been trying to have a baby for over a year. Tomorrow morning, we're going for tests, to check our fertility."
Avery hugged her dad and told him, "Dad, I've never seen two people who are better than you and Hailey and you two are meant to have children, I'm sure of it. I really want a baby half-brother or sister." She added, with a smile. "Night, Dad, and tell Hailey I say night and good luck tomorrow."
In silence, Jay watched his daughter leave the house and sighed before he made his way to the bedroom, where Hailey was changing into her PJs. Her blonde curls were wet and very curly and Jay smiled, wishing that they could make love. In silence, Jay lay down on their bed and pulled Hailey close to his chest.
Resting her head against his, Hailey kissed Jay, before she rested her forehead against his and looked into his green eyes. Blue eyes met green, just as they had done on the night they had got together, at Kim and Adam's wedding. In barley a whisper, Hailey asked, "You're nervous about tomorrow, too, right?"
Jay pressed his lips together and nodded softly. "Yeah, I am. But everything'll be fine. We'll have our baby, Hailey Halstead. That's a promise, remember."
Hailey smiled and nodded, "I do remember, Jay Halstead, and I love you, so much."
The next morning, as always, Jay was first one awake, at 5, but Hailey was only asleep for an hour longer, because of her nerves, so Jay brought her coffee and they made breakfast together and they distracted each other, totally forgetting about what they were doing today. After showers, Hailey changed into a pair of blue jeans and a black jumper and Hailey straightened her curls and Jay into a pair of jeans and a green hoodie. They were going to go to work after their tests, but, for now, their wedding rings remained in their rightful place. As always, Hailey's engagement ring was left in a safe place and she left her blonde curls down.
In the waiting room, Jay's nerves became very clear. His legs shook and Hailey took hold of his hand and told him that everything was alright. Ever since returning from Afghanistan, Jay hated hospitals and today was no exception and Hailey understood how it made today even more stressful for him.
In different rooms, Hailey and Jay did their separate tests, then they met up in the waiting room and left the hospital, making their way to 21. In a confidant voice, Hailey told her husband, "Everything will be good, Jay, I promise. We'll have our baby, but I'm glad we checked, just so that they can reassure us that it's all good."
The Intelligence Unit had a 12-hour shift and both Jay and Hailey were glad of work, because it meant that they were distracting from thinking about the results of the tests. Ever since the phantom pregnancy, they were both being as positive as possible, but, for Hailey, today had been scary. She and Jay had never talked about what to do if there were problems, but they were a team. No matter what, they would always be good. They were partners and they always would be.
By the end of their shift, there was only Hailey left interviewing a witness and Jay was in his office, going over files and reports. He loved this role as Sergeant of the Intelligence Unit, but it was different from being a detective. The sound of the ringing phone made Jay jump and he stood up, steadying himself before he answered it. "This is Sergeant Halstead."
"Hello, Jay. It's Dr Lawrence."
Jay stood up abruptly and started to pace. This was it. The Dr was calling with the results and he swallowed against the lump in his throat. "Hi, Dr. Lawrence."
"Is Hailey there with you? I'd like to speak to both of you, if Hailey's available, too." There was a pause, then she added, "I'm not calling with good news and it might be better if you're together when I tell you, Jay."
For a couple of seconds, Jay closed his eyes and exhaled a deep breath, before he opened them and replied, in a tight voice, "You can tell me, please." He rubbed his eyes, then put his free hand on his hip, trying to do something to work with the stress and tension that was building in his body. I'm not calling with good news. Even that sentence had sent something horrible through Jay's heart.
There was silence on the other end of the phone, before the Dr began, "Jay, I'm right in thinking that you served in Afghanistan, aren't I? Whilst you were there, did you encounter any toxins of any kind?" Jay focused his eyes on a spot on the wall of his office and took in deep breaths, trying to banish the smell of those toxins. Of the bodies. He needed to be in control. He couldn't have a flashback now, not when Hailey needed him. "Because, Jay, because of those toxins, your sperm has very low mobility, which means that the chances of the sperm fertilising an egg is very, very small."
Jay rubbed his eyes and closed them for a couple of seconds, trying to process what he was hearing. All that he could say was, "Ok, Dr."
The Dr continued, "But the situation is all the more complicated because of Hailey's condition. She has hostile cervical mucus, which means that, even if the sperm made it there, there's a good chance it wouldn't survive. It wouldn't fertile an egg."
The lump in Jay's throat was so hard that he wasn't sure if he could speak, but he chocked out, "So, what does that mean?"
"I'm sorry, Jay. It means that, for you and Hailey, the chances of naturally having a baby are very low." There was a pause, then she added, "You can make an appointment with me to go through your options. I'm very sorry."
The sound of the phone was all that Jay could hear, before he mechanically put the phone down in the holder. He reached for dog tags and held his wedding ring in his hand, processing what the Dr had told him. Toxins from Afghanistan. Hostile cervical mucus. The chances of having a baby naturally are very low. Closing his eyes, Jay sat down at the edge of his desk and inhaled and exhaled deep breaths. He wouldn't allow himself to cry. He wouldn't. He couldn't. Hailey needed him. She needed him to be strong. Jay's heart broke as he realised that he had to tell Hailey. He had to break this news. After trying to get pregnant for over a year, after the heartbreak of the phantom pregnancy and the fun and the time they had put into trying again, it seemed it had been doomed from the start. After the phantom pregnancy, both Jay and Hailey had been more positive, reassuring each other that it would happen. The dream, the prayer they had asked to be answered every night. Their baby. Their baby. Their baby would only ever exist in their minds, in their dreams, in their prayers. Their baby would never be a someday. It would never matter how much they tried, or, indeed, how much they loved each other, how much they wanted to have baby. They would never, ever have their baby. To Jay, the pain of the phantom pregnancy felt like nothing compared to this.
Jay stayed that way for about 5 minutes, totally still and silent and he was so fixed on keeping himself together, for Hailey's sake, that he didn't hear the several knocks on his office door.
The door opened and Jay's head snapped up, to see Hailey and she smiled, but her eyes met with Jay's and she looked at his body language and his eyes and she walked over to him, worried, putting her hands on his shoulders, looking into his eyes. "Jay, what's wrong? Jay, can you hear me?" Jay looked up at her, feeling as if he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. As soon as their eyes met, Hailey knew. She knew. Her heart broke inside. How did this happen? What had the results said that meant that they couldn't have a baby. Slowly, Jay stood up and Hailey's arms fell to her side. In a chocked tone, she asked, "Jay, what did the results say, what did the Dr say?"
Slowly, Jay cleared his throat and swallowed, before he began, in as strong as voice as he muster right now, "My sperm has low mobility. It can't reach the eggs. Because of Afghanistan and the toxins I was close to there." Jay was fighting back tears, but he could see that there were starting to form in Hailey's bright, blue eyes and he rubbed his eyes before he continued, in a shaky voice, "And, Hailes, you have hostile cervical mucus-which means, even if sperm did make it there, it wouldn't survive."
For a couple of seconds, Hailey looked down at the ground and shifted on her feet and Jay closed his eyes again, keeping his tears at bay. Hailey raised her head, put her hair behind her ears and swallowed the lump in her throat. Her bright, blue eyes were shining with tears that were threatening to fall as she asked, "So, Jay, what does that mean?"
In a heart-breaking tone of voice, Jay told her, "Hailes, it means that- even if we keep trying, this probably won't happen for us. We'll probably never have a baby naturally." He chocked and shook his head. "I'm so sorry."
The tears escaped Hailey's eyes as she whispered, "I'm sorry, too." Without another word, Jay opened his arms and Hailey fell into them, wrapping her arms around Jay and Jay wrapped his arms around her whole body. Hailey rested her head against Jay's and they cried, together, holding each other. They needed to hold each other.
Jay allowed his tears to fall now and he held Hailey as tightly as he had ever held her. Her whole body was shaking. They needed each other, clinging to each other for dear life. In a whisper, Jay told Hailey, "We'll be okay, Hailey. We'll figure this out."
Hailey wanted to believe her husband's words of comfort and she loved the fact that he was trying to comfort her, to tell her that everything was going to be alright, when she knew that he was hurting just as much as she was. In the same whisper, Hailey nodded, clinging to Jay, "I know, Jay." Hailey closed her eyes again and gave into the tears and Jay did the same and both of their breathing was shaky. Their hearts, their dreams, were broken, and they needed to hold each other. Their love for each other was all that they had. Their efforts to have a baby had been doomed from the start.
A sudden fit of anger crossed Hailey and she stepped away from Jay, with her anger overtaking her. "This isn't fair! It's not fair! There are people who have kids who don't even want them! Kim's got two babies, and they were accidents and all that I'm trying to do is have a baby with my husband and I- I can't do that! I've only ever wanted kids since I've been with you and now that'll never happen! I- I really wanted our baby, Jay! I really did, so much and now we'll never have that! It doesn't matter how many times we try, I'll never be pregnant! The sight of my period isn't a good thing, because it all means nothing now! Nothing!" Hailey ran her hands through her hair so that she had something to do with her hands when she was this angry. She needed to do something and right now, that was to shout, because she was feeling so broken inside.
Jay sighed and shook his head sadly as he just said, "Hailey, so did I. Meeting Avery made me realise how much I wanted kids with you. You know that." Hailey ran her hands through her long hair again and Jay gave her space for a couple of minutes. It was 2 minutes of two people who loved each other going through the worst pain they had ever known. Slowly, Jay walked over to his wife and tilted his head. In a soft voice, he told her, "Hailey, we'll get through this. We will. Everything will be OK." He swallowed as he whispered, "I love you, Hailey."
All of Hailey's anger disappeared and her tears returned, but she wasn't alone. Tears were coming from Jay's green eyes. With her eyes shining with tears, she whispered back, "I love you, too, Jay, so much." Without saying anything else, she fell back into his arms. Resting her head against his, their lips met in a soft, loving kiss, before Hailey rested her head against Jay's chest and they both started to cry again. Everything they had dreamt of, everything they had wanted for over a year, would never happen. Their baby would never exist.
There was a knock on the door which neither of them heard, but the door opened and Platt walked inside. Normally, Jay and Hailey weren't affectionate at work, but, with the shocking news, they had forgotten where they were. Hailey left Jay's chest and looked at Platt, whilst Jay tried to look anywhere else. He didn't want Platt to see him crying. Neither Jay or Hailey said anything. They didn't know what to say. Platt's heart went out to young couple, because she had never been such a heart-breaking scene in front of her. She had seen how they were clinging to each other, as if for dear life, and crying. She never thought she'd see the day when she would see Jay Halstead cry.
In a stern, but caring voice, Platt said, "You're in no fit state to drive, either of you. Grab your stuff and I'll give you a lift home." She offered them a small smile, before she left the room, to give them privacy. Turning back to Jay, Jay wiped away her tears and Hailey did the same before turning to face Jay. He gave her a small smile, before she stepped out of the office.
The car on the way home was silent, but Platt hadn't expected anything else. Hailey was staring her hands and Jay was looking out of the window.
The silence of the house was deafening and Jay was the first inside, taking off his coat and putting it down, but Hailey stayed where she was, in the doorway. She closed the front door, but that was all. Finally, she exhaled a deep breath and walked over to Jay. She found tissues and wiped her eyes, before she looked at Jay and asked, "What do we do now?"
With a slight shrug of the shoulders, Jay shook his head, before he kissed Hailey's temple and inhaled. "I guess, I'll call the Dr at some point and make an appointment. But now we snuggle on the sofa and watch something? Take our minds off this?"
"I'd like that." Hailey replied, with a small nod, so the two of them went to the sitting room and sat down, holding each other as close as they could and Hailey put her head on Jay's shoulder, with her arms wrapped around him. In barley a whisper, Hailey said, "We'll be alright."
"Yeah. We'll figure it out." Jay said that to Hailey and also to himself. All of their dreams, their prayers, had gone unanswered, in the worst way possible. They would never, naturally, have their baby, but Hailey and Jay had each other and, when they were together, they could work through anything and they weren't going to give up, even when it felt as awful as it did. They would get through this, together, and they would figure out what to do next.
