Chapter 69: In sorrow and in joy.
Jay/Hailey. Set after series 7. At Kim and Adam's wedding, Jay and Hailey finally confessed their feelings and spent the night together and now they are back in Chicago and hiding their relationship from their friends.
I do not own Chicago PD or any of the characters.
Here is the next chapter. The last chapter was very emotional for Hailey and Jay and so is this chapter. There are some difficult times ahead for Jay and Hailey. I'm not a medical expert. I am only using medical ideas for this storyline. I'd love to know what you think of this chapter. I really appreciate all of the reviews so far for this story and where the story may be going after this.
As always, read, enjoy and, please, review :)
After watching something on the TV after receiving the news, Jay and Hailey had gone to bed and held each other and started to cry again, with both of them feeling guilty because both of them had fertility problems. It was both of them. As a man of action, a former soldier, Jay called Dr. Lawrence the next morning to make an appointment, to talk about their options, for having a baby in different ways. The appointment was in a couple of weeks, but he and Hailey needed to hold onto each other and have hope that everything would be alright when they were both in so much pain. Platt texted to say that she didn't expect to see either of them at work for a couple of days and she assured Jay that she was taking care of the role of Sergeant of the Intelligence Unit whilst he and Hailey needed the time together. Jay wanted to work, to have something else to think about, to focus his mind on something else, but he and Hailey needed this time together. Hailey was fighting against her instincts to emotionally shut down, because she couldn't do that to Jay. He was her husband, her partner, who was in just as much pain as she was and, yet, he was managing to still be positive, reassuring her that they would figure it out. She had never loved him more than she did now.
Jay and Hailey spent the next couple of days in sweatpants and old jumpers and watching films together on the sofa or in their bed. They didn't want to see anyone else. They couldn't, until they had worked it through, together. The only way they could get through this was together and they needed to deal with their own pain regarding the situation. Hailey felt as if there were a massive whole inside of her, as if there was something missing that she would never be able to replace or find, but she did have Jay and she appreciated how great he was being, when she could see that he was in just as much pain as she was. Neither of them were trying to hide their pain from each other, because they needed each other. Jay kept assuring her that they would figure it out. They were partners and always would be.
Of course, Avery called, to ask how the tests had gone and Jay had started to stand up, to take the phone into other room, but Hailey had held his hand and shook her head lightly, so Jay sat back down and told Avery. Hailey watched as Jay told his daughter, feeling so proud of him for saying those awful words outload to someone else, and, as soon as he was done, he put the phone down and Hailey pulled Jay into a hug, because Hailey could see the pain her husband was in and she wanted to be there for him, just like he was for her. No more than ever, they needed each other.
Hailey and Jay's absence was noted at the 21st District and it worried Kim. She had guessed what Jay and Hailey were going through and it was very unusual for the two of them to be away from work for a couple of days. She was worried that there was something wrong and she was right. She hadn't texted or called Hailey or Jay, not wanting to cause any more stress than they might be going through.
On the third day of their absence, when Platt came up to Intelligence, Adam called to her and asked, "Sarge, where are Jay and Hailey? It's been a couple of days and we haven't heard from them. It's not like them."
Vanessa nodded, in agreement. "Adam's right. It's not normal and I've called and texted Hailey and I haven't heard anything."
In her usual tone, Platt replied, "Where Chuckles and Goldilocks are is, right now, none of your business."
"But he's our Sergeant and we've got case and Hailey's my partner. I should know why she isn't here." Adam protested. He didn't like feeling as if he were in the dark about something, especially when it came to the Intelligence Unit. Along with Kim, Maria Lexie and A.J, they were his family.
"And she's my best friend. There's something wrong here. I just know it!" Vanessa insisted.
Kim said nothing and wasn't surprised when Platt invited her into Jay's office. Wisely, Kevin and Tay said nothing, and Kim was glad. Quietly, Kim sat down, waiting for Platt to speak and the older woman sighed and began, "Kim, I'm not going to break their confidence here, but I'm not going to insult your intelligence, either."
Nodding slowly, Kim replied, "Hailey's never said anything to me directly, but she did say that her and Jay have been working through some things. I guessed that they were trying to have a baby and they were struggling with it." She paused. "Now neither of them are here and I'm worried about that. It's not like either of them to not be there and I'm worried about what that means, for them. Sarge, what can I do to help them?"
Platt shook her head and remarked, "You're a good detective, Kim, and, unlike Vanessa, you respect their privacy. I know they'll appreciate that. As for helping them, I don't know. I was going to take some food round there later, maybe you could come with me?" Platt paused for a couple of seconds, before she added, "There is something that would help them: Stop Adam and Vanessa from talking about it."
"Copy that, Sarge."
At home, Jay and Hailey were in sweets, snuggled together on the sofa. Hailey had only just had a shower, after being persuaded by Jay, whilst he had gone for a run. When Hailey had been in the shower, she had started to cry and the tears hadn't stopped and Jay had found her, on the floor of the shower, crying. Crying for the baby they would never have, the baby they had prayed and tried for for so long. Those dreadful words rang in her head, again and again. Jay had held her, trying not to cry himself; when he had been on his run, Dr Lawrence's words had been all that he had heard, as well as Hailey's cries into his shirt after he had told her.
Now, they were cuddling on the sofa, trying to think about something else, but Hailey had finally stopped crying, but her eyes were red and sore and so were Jay's. "I'm here, Hailes. I'm not going anywhere. It'll be OK. We'll figure it out." Were the words that Jay whispered in Hailey's ears and she smiled to herself, not understand how he was able to be so strong. He had cried, of course he had, but, whenever she cried, he held her. The memory of the two of holding each other, clinging to each other, was clear in their minds, both going through the same pain. The same loss, feeling betrayed by both of their bodies.
The sound of a knock on the front door made both Hailey and Jay jump and Hailey ran her hand through her messy, blonde ponytail, before she stood up to answer the door. Both of their phones were turned off, with Hailey ignoring texts and calls from her mum and Vanessa and Jay, texts and calls from Gail and Danny because he knew that Avery had told them about the fertility results. The only person he had spoken to since the news was Avery. The kindness that Platt had shown the two of them that night had been amazing and they were so grateful.
For that reason, Hailey wasn't too surprised when she opened the door to see Platt, carrying two bags of takeaway food. With a small smile, Hailey asked, "Trudy, what are you doing here?"
With a small smile, the desk sergeant replied, "I thought you and Jay might not be eating, so I brought some food for you. I hope it's okay- Kim's here with me, too. She wanted to help. Can we come in, Hailey?"
Kim and Platt walked into the house, going straight to the kitchen and Hailey followed them into the kitchen and Kim looked at Hailey, seeing how drained she looked. So sad. Without saying anything, Kim pulled Hailey into a hug, before she helped Platt to put the food out on the table and Hailey sat down, looking disengaged in everything that was happening around her. She was glad, at least, that Kim and Platt weren't asking her questions or talking for no reason. Jay walked into the kitchen and nodded and said, "Thanks for the food, Sarge, Burgess."
With a small nod, Platt just said, "Anytime, Jay." She passed the takeaway food to Jay and Hailey, saying, "Food's served. Dig in."
Hailey shook her head and said, "Kim, Trudy, you didn't have to do this."
Before Platt could reply, Kim replied, with a smile, "We wanted to, Hailey. You and Jay have always supported me and we're here to return the favour and you couldn't keep Platt away. You know that." She paused, then said, "You guys… look really tired."
Jay raised his eyebrows and remarked, dryly, "Yeah. Neither of us has really been sleeping." He paused, then added, in a softer tone, "I really do appreciate the food."
"Don't mention it, Chuckles. No, really, don't. I don't want anyone to think that I have a heart. I have a stern reputation to maintain." Platt joked, before turning to Hailey, "You both know where I am, if you want to talk. To me or Kim."
Jay nodded and Hailey gave her and Kim a small smile. "We do and thanks, and, Kim, thank you for not calling and texting me constantly. I've actually turned my phone off." Kim and Platt left and Hailey looked at Jay. His eyes were off somewhere else, so she took a chip and walked over to him. In a soft voice, she asked, "Jay, where are you right now?" PTSD was triggered by stress and the results had been upsetting for her husband, as well as stressful. They were both suffering from the pain of the news of their infertility, and it was showing in different ways, but they needed each other.
There was a long silence and Hailey knew better than to touch Jay at times like this. Suddenly, Jay shook his head and inhaled a deep breath, with a faraway look in his eyes and his voice was very low. "I remember that day. The day with the toxins, for the first time. It was-it was awful, but I survived it." Jay shook his head again and his eyes focused on Hailey's blue ones, as he asked, with great pain, "How come I accidently got Allie pregnant, before Afghanistan, and now when I'm trying to have a baby with my wife, it can't happen, partly because of the toxins of that day? Maybe it's part of my punishment. Punishment for what I did oversees."
"Jay Halstead, I won't let you think or talk like that. You're a good man and I won't let you fall down that trap, not now. Not when you and I need to be strong and you've been so positive for this whole time." Hailey insisted and swallowed against the lump in her throat. "Neither of us should feel guilty, because we didn't do anything wrong. It just happened. Jay, I need you here, because we're in this together and we share this pain, Jay."
With a small smile, Jay sighed. "I'm sorry. It just- it all crept up on me, all of a sudden. The guilt, the shame. I'm sorry, Hailey."
Fighting back tears, Hailey gave him a smile and whispered, "There's no need for you to be sorry. We're dealing with a lot at the moment, I can't believe that we were only told a couple of days ago. All of our hope, all our dreams- gone."
Jay kissed her forehead and Hailey fell into his arms and she wrapped her arms around his neck, wanting to be as close to him as possible. Jay wiped away Hailey's tears and his green eyes met her blue eyes as he told her, sincerely, "I love you, Hailey Halstead. We'll get through this pain together. We'll figure it out and we'll work out what to do next."
With a sad smile, Hailey nodded, "Yes, we will, and no more crying today, for either of us." They looked into each other's eyes and held each other close.
The next morning, both Hailey and Jay were woken by the sound of Jay's phone. Last night, they had fallen asleep on the sofa, after eating the food from Kim and Platt. The two of them had been so emotionally exhausted that they had fallen asleep in each other's arms, just wanting to be as close to each other as they possibly could. They needed each other. Jay was the first to wake. Hailey stirred, but she kept her head where it was, snuggling into Jay's chest. In a second, Jay looked at his wife and smiled. She looked so peaceful, which was a nice relief from seeing her in pain. Quietly, Jay answered his phone. It was Platt. "What's up, Sarge?"
"Jay, I'm really sorry to do this. I didn't want to disturb you and Hailey, because I can see that you're struggling at the moment, but I had no choice."
"Trudy, it's no problem. Hailey and I are good." Jay replied. It wasn't a lie, but, of course, it wasn't totally the truth. "What's going on?"
There was a sigh of the other end of the phone. "Two officers have been shot and it looks like it's a targeted attack. The Superintendent wants Intelligence to run the case. So, that's you and Hailey." Platt paused and added, "Again, I'm sorry, Jay. I know you guys are going through a lot right now."
Jay shook his head and had a small smile, even though Platt couldn't see him. "It's no problem, Sarge. Hailey and I will be there in about 10." Jay put his phone down on the arm of the sofa and looked down at Hailey, who was still soundly asleep on his chest. She looked so happy, so peaceful and he wished that he didn't have to wake her, to bring her back to the real world. He had to go back to the office, the office where they had received that news and it was only now he realised that he didn't want to go in there. Jay shook his head, moving that thought from his head and he woke Hailey up, kissing her cheek and her hair that was still up in a messy bun from after her shower yesterday.
Hailey didn't want to wake up. In her dream, she was somewhere without the pain of her own infertility and Jay's. In her dream, she and Jay were trying to get pregnant, she was happy and they were happy together, but she knew that she had to wake up. It was only a dream. Her blue eyes opened and she looked up at her husband. Yawning, she asked, "Do we have a case?"
Jay ran his hands through her messy curls and nodded. "Yeah, Platt just called. Two of her patrolmen were just killed in an attack. I told her we'd be there in 10 mins." His hands lingered in Hailey's hair, before he asked, softly, "Where were you, in your dream?"
Raising her head from Jay's chest, Hailey sat up and put her arms around Jay, before she ran her hands across her eyes. With a sad smile, she replied, "In my dream, we were trying to have a baby and we were having fun. We were happy and we were talking about what we'd do when the baby's born. In the dream, neither of us had fertility problems and we were so happy, Jay. I guess- I guess I still can't believe that it's true and I'm processing it, just like you, but you're so much stronger than me."
"I'm not, Hailes. Trust me. I'm dying about in inside, but I have to be strong, for you."
With a small smile, Hailey nodded. "I know and you have no idea how much I appreciate how strong you're being, for both of us, because I can see that you're hurting just as much as I am." Hailey's eyes clouded over and she just whispered, "We'll never have our baby, Jay."
In that second, Jay's eyes filled with tears and Hailey's heart broke, but he shook his head and reassured her, in a shaky voice, "No, Hailey. We'll work it out. I love you."
"I love you, too, Jay, so much. We've got each other's backs, no matter what." Hailey wiped away her tears and stood up.
Jay did the same and looked into her eyes, before he kissed her forehead and told her, "You and me, Hailey Halstead. Always."
Hailey and Jay changed into clean clothes and put their wedding rings around their necks before they left the house, both of them dreading going to work, of having to interact with people, but they knew that they had no choice. Hailey was wearing one of Jay's blue jumpers because it reminded her of him and, right now, she needed something like that to hold onto.
As soon as they arrived at the 21st District, they practically ran up the stairs to the Intelligence bullpen, where Platt already was, as well as the rest of the unit. Hailey went to her desk and Jay took off his jacket and walked over to Platt, "Sarge, what do we know?" Adam and Kevin were setting up the board. Hailey could see the concerned and confused looks their teammates were giving them, but now wasn't the time to think about that.
Platt briefed Jay, then the unit went through the board together, before Jay told them, in a commanding voice, "Burgess, Atwater- see what you can track down with the tech guys. There can't be a hit like this with no chatter online. Upton, Ruzek- go to the crime scene and gather everything you can and Tay and Rojas, co-ordinate with the FBI. It should be Agent Lindsey, so put a call into her right now. Let's go!" Without saying another word, Jay left the bullpen, to talk to another Sergeant.
With a smile, Adam remarked, "Well, there's something up his ass alright. It's more than these shootings."
"Adam, now's not the time." Kim told her husband, in a kind, but firm way.
Adam nodded. "Copy that. Upton, you ready to go?" When Hailey didn't reply, he repeated, "Hailey? Hailey, you there?"
Pulling herself out of her thoughts, Hailey nodded and stood up quicky. "Yeah, let's go, Ruze." She gave Kim, Julie and Vanessa a small smile as she walked past. "See you back here later, guys."
12 hours later, all of the unit was back at 21st District. They had found the shooters and Jay and Hailey were interrogating them. In the bullpen, Vanessa shrugged and asked, "Is everyone just going to pretend as if Jay and Hailey haven't been off for the past couple of days? As if this is normal? As if Hailey hasn't been ignoring my calls or texts?"
Adam shrugged and remarked, "Yeah, Hailey's not acting like she normally does."
Kim sighed and told her husband and Vanessa, "Guys, stop talking about it. If Jay or Hailey hear you, it could upset them to know you're talking behind their backs."
As soon as Hailey and Jay returned home, they collapsed in their bed, too tired to even change into their PJs or have showers. Hailey took off her neckless and put her ring on her finger and Jay did the same, before Hailey's eyes fell on the photograph of their wedding day. It was such a simple, happy photo, just like the day had been. Hailey rolled over to face Jay and told him, with a small smile, "Marrying you, that night in Wisconsin, in that church, when we were at the cabin, was the best decision I've ever made. It felt so right, for both of us. It was just us, together. I didn't want to wait another day to be your wife." She paused as she whispered, "I've never loved anyone as much as you."
Resting his head against hers, Jay nodded and kissed her forehead. "It really was, Hailey Halstead." Jay paused and bit his lip, before he added, "Like we said when we got married, the future isn't perfect, but it's ours."
"In sickness and in health, Jay Halstead." Hailey repeated, remembering that night in the church, when she and Jay had married and she held him closer.
Jay's green eyes looked into Hailey's blue ones as he said, "In sorrow and in joy, Hailey Halstead." He ran his finger against her wedding ring, before he repeated, in barley a whisper, "In sorrow and in joy."
Hailey's eyes were swimming with tears as she added, with a small smile, "Till death do us part." Her hand found Jay's wedding ring and she held it, tracing it with her finger, looking to Jay's green eyes. They looked into each other's eyes and held each other close, before they finally drifted into an uneasy sleep.
