Chapter 70: Begin Again.

I do not own Chicago PD or any of the characters.

Jay/Hailey. Set after series 7. At Kim and Adam's wedding, Jay and Hailey finally confessed their feelings and spent the night together and now they are back in Chicago and hiding their relationship from their friends.

Chapter 70! I can't believe it. This is another long, emotional chapter for Jay and Hailey, just like the previous chapters. There are some hard times ahead for these two. I'm just using medical ideas for this storyline. I really enjoyed writing this chapter and I hope that you enjoy reading it, going on the journey this story is taking you. I really appreciate every single review for this story and I hope to hear your thoughts on this chapter and what might come next for Jay and Hailey :). I hope that you're enjoying reading this as much as I am writing it. :))

A week had gone by since Hailey and Jay had received the news about their infertility from Dr. Lawrence and their appointment with her was next week. Jay and Hailey were back working at the 21st District and everything seemed normal, but, at home, they were still in pain. Hailey was still crying herself to sleep most nights and Jay held her, holding back his own tears, but sometimes he shared them. It was a pain they shared. It hit them at random times in the day; they would be fine, happy, even, then, suddenly, there would be something that reminded them and they were taken back to that night in Jay's office when they had received the news. There was no point in hiding the pain from each other, because it was something they were going through together and they needed each other's support. When the doctor called to remind them of their appointment next week, Jay focused on that, reminding Hailey that, even if they couldn't have their baby naturally, there were other options; there were other ways for them to have a baby. Neither of them felt ready to have that conversation, still processing the fact that Jay's sperm had low mobility and Hailey had hostile cervical mucus, but it was something they could focus on. They had something in their sights. It would never be as wonderful as finding out that Hailey was pregnant with their baby, but it would be something and that was the positive that Jay was doing his best to focus on and to remind Hailey, in their shared heartbreak. They would figure it out, together, like they always did. As Jay had said when they had found out, they would figure it out.

It was days like today when Hailey wished that she could be with a partnered like Jay, Kim or Tay. They would give her space and quiet, but Adam just kept talking and talking and she just wanted him to stop. The only people who knew about the results were Avery and, through her, Gail and Danny, but Jay hadn't spoken to them. Hailey didn't know how she would tell her mum and Jay was avoiding Will for that same reason. Neither of them knew how to talk about it, besides to the other. Only they understood what their pain was, together.

On her phone, when Adam had been interviewing a witness, she had researched ways to have children when there were fertility problems, as a way of preparing herself for the appointment with Dr. Lawrence. She knew that Jay had started to do research and she wanted to do the same. She didn't want the burden of this to be on him, because he was in just as much pain as she was and Hailey knew that he needed as much love and support as she did right now. If only Adam would stop talking…

"Hey, Upton, how did I do with the witness?" Adam inquired when he made his way back to the car. "Are you going to tell me what's bothering you and Jay? There's something going on."

Hailey locked her phone and put it back into her pocket, before she looked at her partner. "You did well, Ruze. There's nothing wrong with me and Jay, don't worry about it."

Adam sighed. "Hailey, I know I can be an idiot sometimes, but I'm not when it comes to this unit. You guys are my family, you know that. You and Jay were off for 3 days last week. That's not like you or him. Now you're back, you both look really tired and stressed. I just wanna help." He paused, before adding, "Kim told me not to ask you guys about having a baby. She didn't say why, but I saw how you guys looked at each other when A,J was born. If you guys are trying to have a baby, there's nothing wrong with that. You can tell us."

Looking away from Adam and out of the window, Hailey replied, "Adam, I don't want to talk about. Like I told Kim months ago, Jay and I are working through some things and it's-it's been different since last week. We're dealing with it and I'm asking you to respect that. If it makes you feel any better, we haven't talked to anyone."

"Copy that. I'm not going to ask Jay- I think he'd bite my head off!"

"That is very true." With a smirk, Hailey nodded.

When Hailey and Adam returned back at the 21st District, Hailey saw that Jay was in his office. The office where they had received that awful news, where Jay had received it first-hand and repeated that news to her. She didn't know how he had been able to do that, because she knew that she wouldn't have been able to, if the roles had been reversed and she had been the one to receive the news from the Dr, first-hand.

The sound of the buzzer was heard and Platt gave Hailey a small smile. Whilst Hailey hadn't told the other woman a single thing, Platt had been the one to find Jay and Hailey and she had driven them home, the night they had been told. Both Hailey and Jay thought that she probably had an idea about what was going on, but, luckily, Platt, like Kim, respected their privacy. "Goldilocks, Chuckles, there's someone here to see you."

Jay heard those words and immediately thought that it might be Dr. Lawrence, that there was something even more wrong and that she couldn't wait to see them until next week. His eyes connected with his wife's for a second, before he asked, in a controlled voice, "Who is in, Serge?"

Platt shook her head. "They say their names are Gail and Danny Corson. I think I've seen them around with your daughter."

Adam chuckled and remarked, "I still can't believe you've got a daughter, Jay! That's so cool!"

Jay ignored Adam's remark, but gave Hailey a smile and nodded at Platt as they followed her down the stairs to the front desk and both of them were feeling nervous. They knew that Avery had told her grandparents about their results, but the last thing they wanted to do was to talk about it. It was too raw to talk to someone else. Too painful. Jay's hands were moving nervously at his side and Hailey looked at her husband and gave him a reassuring smile, before he asked, "Gail, Danny, is everything OK?"

Gail pulled Jay into a hug and gave one to Hailey and Jay cleared his throat, nervously, watching as officers passing were watching and he knew that Platt, was, too. They were standing right in front of the front desk, after all, and he could feel Hailey's nerves as well as his own. Danny nodded and smiled, before Gail replied, "Everything's fine, Jay. We just wanted to come here to invite you two to dinner tonight. At our house, nothing fancy." She paused and added, with a motherly tone, "I'm guessing you two haven't been taking care of yourselves recently."

Before Jay could reply and refuse the offer, Hailey spoke up, with a small smile, "Gail, that would be wonderful. You have no idea how much Jay and I need a good, homecooked meal right now." She knew that Jay would be annoyed that she had answered for him, but, over the past week, Jay had done so much to support her through this hard time, and Hailey wanted to return that favour to her husband. He was in just as much pain as she was.

Gail and Danny shared a smile and Danny nodded, "Well, that's great! We'll see you at 7."

As soon as they were gone, Jay and Hailey exchanged a look and Hailey followed Jay into one of the interview rooms and Platt's eyebrows raised. Jay and Hailey were always so professional at work, but the past week had been different. Platt could see their pain and how it was affecting them. In an irritated voice, Jay asked, "Hailey, why did you do that? We can't be around other people right now. It's too painful. I don't even want to talk to the Dr about it, but we need to so that we know what our options are. The only person I can talk to about- this- is you."

Raising her hands slightly to calm him down, Hailey replied, calmly, "Jay, I was just trying to help you. You've spent the last week supporting me, holding me as I cry and I want to give you that same support. This is both of us, remember? It's not just me."

"But you didn't have to plan to my social calendar for me! I find these things hard sometimes with anxiety and depression- even before all of this!" Jay snapped, running his hands through his hair.

Hailey's blue eyes connected with her husband's for a second and her mood and her eyes changed. In a calm voice, she said, "Okay, fine, Jay. If you want to be pissed with me for something that I was trying to do to help you because of what we're going through together, then fine. You do that." Hailey glared at Jay, but her words were cold and steady, before she turned away and walked out of the room. Jay remained where he was, totally still, until he ran his hands through his hair again. The images of Hailey crying every night were in his mind, crying for the baby they would never have. He had just been trying to support him, but all of the stress had built up inside of him and he had taken it out on Hailey. The one person who understood what he was going through, because it affected both of them.

From her vantage point of the front desk, Platt had bene a witness to the whole exchange and she watched with careful eyes as Hailey walked away and back up to Intelligence. She could see the younger woman's pain, but as she was watching Jay, she could also see his pain.

In total silence, Hailey walked back into the bullpen and walked to her desk, ignoring what was happening around her, but her eyes landed on Jay's office, where they had received that news. She closed her eyes for a couple of seconds and ran her hands across her face, ignoring the fact that she could feel eyes on her. Hailey's hands found her wedding ring around her neck and she squeezed it tightly. It had been a promise, the promise of the lives that she and Jay would have together. The future they would have together. When Hailey opened her eyes, she saw that Vanessa and Kim were looking at her and so was Adam, but she ignored them and looked at her computer.

A couple of minutes later, Jay walked into the bullpen and it was clear that he was not happy just by his walk. Without a single word, he walked straight to his office and closed the door. Once inside, he put his hands on his hips and paced for a couple of minutes before his eyes landed on the phone on his desk. The phone which had destroyed his and Hailey's dreams of having children, then his eyes went to Hailey, who was outside, in the bullpen.

The bullpen remained in total silence, before Vanessa finally asked, in a very concerned voice, "Hailey, are you alright? You-you seem very upset."

Keeping her eyes focused on her computer screen, Hailey just replied, shortly, "I'm good, Vanessa. We've got a case to work."

Kim, Adam, Kevin and Vanessa exchanged looks. It was so clear that there was something wrong and Adam and Vanessa thought that they deserved to know what was happening. Jay was their Sergeant and Hailey was Adam's partner.

Because of this, when Jay left the bullpen and went downstairs, Adam followed him and Hailey closed her eyes, not wanting anything to bother Jay today. He needed space, not Adam bothering him with questions. "Jay, man, I was talking to Hailey earlier and I'm gonna tell her what I told her. You guys, this unit- you're my family. I saw how you and Hailey were when A.J was born. Kim told me not to ask you guys about having babies. If you guys are trying, you can tell us. We'd be so happy for you."

Turning around quickly, Jay glared at the other man and snapped, "What's your point, Ruzek?" His tone was harsh.

"Well, you and Hailey were off last week. That's not normal. Your behaviour- both of you- isn't normal. And it's affecting the team and we need to know what's going on." He paused and added, "We're family. I'm looking out for you guys."

Jay shook his head slowly and raised his voice, "Back off, Ruzek! I don't need you or anyone else telling me what to do today! Hailey and I don't need this crap right now! Go back inside and do your damn job, Officer. Is that understood?"

"Yeah, boss. I get it. But Hailey might be your wife, but she's my partner. This isn't over, Jay."

Adam returned to Intelligence and his eyes connected with his wife's before he sat at his desk, opposite Hailey. In Jay's old desk. He sighed and asked, "Hailey, is there anything you wanna tell us?"

"No, Adam. We need to focus on this case."

Sighing, Adam nodded and replied, "Yes, ma'am." It was clear that husband and wife had the same way of dealing with whatever was happening by pretending as if everything was fine at work, when it was clear that that was not the case. Their pain was clear. They had been off for 3 days last week. There was something wrong and Adam just wanted to help his friends. It was Jay and Hailey.

The rest of their shift continued in the same way. Jay and Hailey had very little interaction and this was painfully clear, but they were both dedicated to solving the case. Platt noticed their dedicated behaviour. This case was something they could solve, something they could fix, but their fertility problems was something they would never be able to solve. They would never be able to fix it and both Jay and Hailey were carrying pain and guilt, which the other knew, but that didn't make it any easier.

It was the end of their shift and Hailey was tidying her desk and Kim, Vanessa and Tay were doing the same and Jay was making himself and Platt a coffee. They had a meeting later in the evening, before dinner with Gail and Danny, but Hailey wouldn't be surprised if Jay found a reason to avoid that, too.

In an instant of impulse, Hailey asked, "Kim, Julie, Vanessa, are you guys free for drinks tonight? How about we go to Molly's, in a couple of hours?" The surprise on the other woman's faces were clear and Hailey added, with a smile, "I could really do with a night out, guys."

Kim smiled and nodded, accepting the invitation and Tay did the same, but Vanessa frowned, confused. Jay and Platt walked out of the breakroom and his eyes connected with Hailey's and they shared a look, before Hailey headed to the locker room, saying that she would see the other three woman at Molly's in a couple of hours. Jay didn't look surprised, because he wasn't. Hailey needed this. She needed a night to have fun and forget about what they were going through. Hailey was surprised when Vanessa followed her into the locker room.

"Hailey, what are you doing? You haven't been drinking for over a year. Why the sudden desire to drink?"

Hailey raised her eyebrows and asked, directly, "Since when do I need a reason to go out with my friends and have some drinks?" In a quick motion, she closed her locker and added, "Make sure you wear a nice dress, V. I'm planning on wearing a great dress."

Vanessa frowned and remarked, "You don't normally wear dresses."

Tilting her head, Hailey chuckled softly, "Well, tonight I do, and I really want to drink. I'll see you at Molly's, V."

As soon as Hailey returned home, she chose a bright, red dress, before she went into the shower, allowing the warm water to sooth her body. With steady breaths, she closed her eyes. She knew that Jay would be ok. She needed him to be ok. He was her husband, her partner, and they were going through this together and Jay needed to accept help from her, too. He was so focused on helping her and with research that he was trying to forget about the pain of his own fertility. It had only been a week, but it felt like another world since Hailey and Jay had been trying to have a baby. A totally different world.

After her shower, Hailey dried her hair, changed into her dress and spent time straightening her hair, something she rarely did, but tonight was special. She needed this. A time to forget and she didn't want to spend another evening at home, crying.

The sound of the front door pulled Hailey from her thoughts, but she remained where she was, brushing out her now straightened hair. If Jay still wanted to be annoyed with her, he could do that. All she had been trying to do was help him, just as he had been supporting her since the start of all of this.

It felt as if the whole house was filled with silence as Hailey looked at herself in the mirror, wondering why her body had done this. Why had it failed her, making her unable to conceive a baby? The silence continued until she heard the sound of Jay's footsteps walking up the stairs and the sound of feet was the only sound as Jay walked into their bedroom, carrying a box of Hailey's favourite chocolates, which he placed on their bed, but Hailey continued to look in the mirror. She could see him in the mirror, anyway.

Jay exhaled a deep breath and began, in a soft, yet sure voice, "Hailey, I'm so sorry. I had no right to talk to you like that. At all. I'm really sorry. There's no excuse." He paused, then added, "And I know you were only trying to help me. I've been so focused on supporting you and research for… other options for having a baby- I've pushed the other stuff down. And we both know that doesn't work." He realised a dark chuckle, before his face turned serious. "It's like your mum said. All of this- all of this crap of both of us having fertility problems- will mean nothing if we don't have each other. And it does feel like one massive pile of crap, but we'll get through it, Hailey. I love you, more than anything, and I wish- I wish our dreams hadn't died. More than anything. But we have each other and we always will."

Slowly, Hailey turned around and allowed herself to smile as she crossed the space between herself and her husband as she pulled him into a hug and she could feel the tension in both of their bodies. Looking into Jay's eyes, "Jay Halstead, you always know the right thing to say."

With a smile, Jay rested his head against hers and told her, "I'm glad to hear it. And, Hailey Halstead, you look amazing in that dress." He kissed her quickly before he added, "Have a great time tonight."

Hailey chuckled softly and kissed Jay again before she replied, "I'm planning on it, Jay. I'm going to drink and have fun. I need this, tonight, but I didn't realise how much until I asked Kim, Vanessa and Julie. I love you."

A soft kiss was placed on her forehead, then one onto her straightened hair, before Jay mumbled, "I love you, too."

An hour later, Hailey was on her fourth whiskey. Kim, Vanessa and Julie were only on their second. Hailey wanted to drink as much as she possibly could and she was glad that she was there with her friends. The other three women were watching her closely, because Hailey was drinking as if there was no tomorrow and that wasn't like her. It was clear that she was trying to forget something. Hailey finished her drink and asked for another glass of whiskey. Kim reached a hand out to Hailey and suggested, "How about you stop after this one? You don't want to be working tomorrow with a hangover, do you?"

Drunkenly, Hailey shook her head and replied, "No, I'm good, Kim, I can hold my drink." Her head slumped, before she added, "Give me a minute, guys." She rested her head on the table and her straightened hair fell across her face, as she hid her face in her arms. Kim exchanged a worried look with Vanessa and Tay.

In a gentle voice, Kim said, "Hailey, please tell us what's going on. You were there for me when I needed you and so was Jay. Please, Hailey."

A couple of silent minutes passed before Hailey raised her head and her bright, blue eyes were full of hot, angry tears. Her chin wobbled and the tears started to fall from her eyes and Hailey gulped, trying to control her tears. She looked at her three friends, before she gulped again. In a broken voice, with tears spilling from her eyes, Hailey told them, "Jay and I have been trying to have a baby for over a year. I've been trying to get pregnant for over a year. We started trying after Maria's first birthday, then I thought that I was pregnant, but it was- it was a phantom pregnancy. That was devasting and I thought that was the worst I'd ever feel in my whole life and Jay and I took a break from trying, but we started to try again after A.J was born. Seeing and holding him reminded us of how much we wanted our own baby." She gave him a soft smile, before she continued, her whole body shaking. "A week ago, Jay and I did fertility tests and they came back the same day. I went into Jay's office and he looked broken, but he stood there and he gave me the news. I have hostile cervical mucus, which means a fertilised egg wouldn't survive there and Jay- Jay's sperm has low mobility because of toxins in Afghanistan, so we'll never have a baby naturally. Our prayers, our hopes- All gone, because our bodies betrayed us and I don't understand why. Why-why did this happen? I was upset, then angry, then just… so sad, feeling empty and now I-I don't know what to feel." All of Hailey's walls broke as she burst into tears, hiding her face in her hands and Kim moved closer and put her arms around her crying friend and, in her drunken state, Hailey accepted the comfort. Kim's heart broke for Hailey and for Jay. She had guessed that they had been struggling to have a baby, but she would never have imagined something like this.

Not knowing what else to do, Tay said, "I'll call for a cab."

"And I'll call Jay on the way back." added Vanessa, her heart breaking. She felt so bad for having so many questions for Hailey, knowing now what she and Jay had been going through. She felt awful about it. Hailey was her friend and she needed her support.

Kim guided a very drunk Hailey to the front door, where she was met by Jay and they led Hailey inside and placed her onto the sofa and Jay covered her with a blanket. Vanessa had called Jay and told him what had happened and Jay was very upset.

Kim looked at Jay and shook her head. "Jay, I'm so sorry. I want you to know that I'm here for you and Hailey, no matter what. If you need anything, you let me know."

With a small smile, Jay nodded, "Thanks, Kim. I appreciate it." After Kim left, he sat back down on the sofa, next to Hailey. When she started to stir, he smiled and told her softly, "Hailes, I'll take you to bed. Come on."

In an instant, Hailey sat up, with a seductive smile on her face and she started to kiss her husband. "Jay, I don't want to go to bed. I want you, right here, right now, on this sofa." Her hands went to Jay's belt buckle.

Jay froze for a second, then reached for her hands and told her, "Stop. Hailey, stop." Under normal circumstances, he would have been with his wife tonight, but not when she was this drunk and emotionally vulnerable.

With her wide, blue eyes filling with tears again, Hailey stared at him and sat back on the sofa. In a quivering voice, she asked, "Why don't you want to be with me anymore? We haven't had sex since before the tests, that's over a week ago, Jay. Is it because I'm a failure, because my body failed, because I can't give you a baby? Because I'm broken?"

Those words shattered Jay's heart into a million pieces and his own tears started to cloud his eyes. He took hold of Hailey's hands and told her, "Hailey, if you're broken, I am, too. But we're not. You could never be broken and we'll get through this, together."

Shaking her head violently, Hailey cried, "No, you don't want me, Jay! You'll never want me again!" She slid off his sofa and burst into tears, hiding her face in her arms. Jay stayed where he was and allowed his own tears to fall, before he finally slid down onto the floor next to Hailey and they cried, together.

Eventually, Hailey fell asleep from crying, so Jay wiped his own face, then Hailey's before he carried her into the room and placed her softly into their bed. She looked so peaceful now that she was asleep and he brought some water and Ibuprofen for beside their bed, for her hangover tomorrow morning before he slipped himself into their bed, wrapping his arms around Hailey. He kissed her temple before he whispered, "We'll get through this together, like we always have. We'll wake up tomorrow, ready to begin again." He paused, before he added, "I love you more than you know, Hailey Halstead." He closed his eyes and drifted off into an uneasy sleep, with his arms wrapped around Hailey as they slept. We'll wake up tomorrow, ready to begin again, like we always do."