(A/N) It is SO GOOD TO BE BACK!
Sorry again for the overly long wait, my depression/anxiety was getting almost unbearable during the later part of August and September, and as a result my writing slowed down dramatically. Luckily I'm now on medication for that and it's been getting better, so I've moved back upstairs to my bedroom (long story) and since October 2, I've been making an effort to write every day. In addition to this story, I have a few other projects I'm working on as well, which I'll start uploading once I have several chapters finished. Because I'm going to be writing more stories than just this one, I can't promise the updates here will be super fast, but I'm pretty sure I should be able to avoid any more two or three month long waits.
(Fingers crossed!)
Also, while writing this chapter, I used the phrasing 'a prey' and 'preys' because Microsoft Word told me to do so. I assumed it knew what it was talking about, but then my proofreader Zephyr Fyrian told me she didn't think it was correct. I honestly have no idea, so if anyone has any knowledge of how this grammar is supposed to work, it would be much appreciated. (I'm also embarrassed that I, of all people, don't know all of the proper grammar rules for the word 'prey' at this point.)
And as always, thank you again to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter!
After the last day of school was over and summer began, it wasn't long before both Nick and Judy missed each other and started begging their parents for another visit. They gave in soon enough and even after the visit was over, the two kits never ceased their requests to get together again.
Nick eventually lost count of how many times he'd been over at the Hopps' that summer. Sometimes it felt like he saw Judy just about every other day, and any thoughts of being nervous around so many bunnies were all but forgotten now. Both kits' parents got along so well now, not to mention Brendan was practically best friends with Judy's sister Mallory. Of course, some of the rabbits like James were still uncomfortable having foxes in the burrow, but they seemed to have accepted that their complaints wouldn't change anything at this point.
By the end of summer, Judy's parents had warmed up to the Wildes enough that they even took her over to their house for a visit. Mallory had come with them to visit Brendan, and for some reason Judy's older sister Chloe had decided to tag along too, though Nick wasn't really sure why.
"So," Nick laughed, looking over at Judy who was lying in the grass beside him, "what's it like, being in the fox's den? As scary as you thought?"
"Sure, it's terrifying," Judy giggled. "Really, though, Nick…it's been so nice to see you being yourself. You smile so much more now that you're not trying to hide your fangs anymore."
"Really?" Nick replied, genuinely surprised. "I…didn't even notice. You…don't mind, though, right?"
"Of course not!" Judy laughed. "Seriously, Nick, you don't see me trying to hide my ears or anything. If someone doesn't like your teeth, that's their problem, not yours."
In that moment, it seemed like everything was perfect. They had come so far in the first year Nick had been in Bunnyburrow, and it looked like the worst was behind them. In a few weeks, school would start back, and it was exciting to think about going back without being so afraid anymore. It felt like it had been so long since the day Nick stood up for Mark and earned the approval of half the school, and the days of having to feel embarrassed and hide were a distant memory now.
Before long, the first day of school arrived and Nick hurried to get ready and out to the bus. It was a bit of a cloudy day, but not as dark as the day he'd stood up for Mark back in the spring. His thoughts wandering, Nick was less outwardly enthusiastic this morning than Brendan, who was jumping around excitedly as he took his seat on the bus.
The trip went by uneventfully, as did the introduction to Nick's new teacher. Thankfully, Judy was still in the same class as him, though Sharla and Mark also shared a classroom with them this year.
"Hi, Nick!" Judy said cheerily, waving to her friend as he entered the room. "Good to have you back!"
Mark and Sharla smiled at him too, and he couldn't help but smile back at them. It wasn't until a few seconds had passed and Nick had taken his seat that he realized just how comfortable he felt. There was no apprehension, no attempts to conceal himself. Things were different this year.
By lunch time, Nick was already feeling confident about the year ahead. He stepped into the cafeteria beside Judy, Sharla and Mark following closely behind them, and hesitated for a moment as he saw how many other kits were in the room. He didn't know what he expected, but seeing so many preys in the room at once all peacefully going about their day made him suddenly a little self-conscious.
"They might get nervous if they see a predator acting so confident…" he thought. "Maybe I should try to tone it down a little."
Taking a deep breath, Nick followed Judy towards the line, resolving to remain calm. He shouldn't have to hide himself—or at least, he didn't think he would—but he would have to dial back his enthusiasm. After all, most of his classmates weren't used to being around predators, and he didn't want to frighten any of them.
Nick sighed. He couldn't help but feel a little disappointed; he'd thought that his days of having to keep his true self contained were over. Maybe that just wasn't meant to be.
He followed his friends towards their table, trying to be optimistic. He was so caught up in his thoughts he barely noticed Samantha and June's absence, though it didn't surprise him much. Judy's other friend Clara still joined them, but none of the rest of his fans from the day he'd stood up for Mark showed up.
"Oh well, guess I can't be a celebrity forever," Nick thought.
"Hi, everyone!" Clara said cheerily. "How was your summer?"
"Mine was great!" Judy replied. "Chloe, Mallory, and I got to go over to Nick's house a few weeks ago, and that was really fun."
"Mine was good too," Sharla said. "I'm surprised, but I didn't run into Gideon Grey all summer. Do you guys know what happened to him?"
"Huh…now that you mention it, I don't know that I've seen him since Nick and I met," Judy admitted.
Nick realized he couldn't specifically remember seeing Gideon since that day either; he hadn't really thought about it until now, but it did seem odd that someone Judy and Sharla were clearly familiar with hadn't shown his face in over a year.
"Maybe he's avoiding them because of me?" Nick wondered. "That doesn't make sense; he's a predator too, so he shouldn't really be scared of me, plus he's about twice my size if I remember correctly."
Still, something told him that Gideon's disappearance wasn't entirely a coincidence. Regardless, he didn't know nearly enough about Gideon to guess what exactly had happened.
"Who…who is this 'Gideon Grey' you're talking about?" Mark asked.
"Sharla's nemesis," Judy answered. "And mine too, I guess."
Clara snorted in laughter, while Mark just looked even more confused.
"He's…a jerk," Sharla explained. "He used to bully me and my friends all the time, but I haven't seen him since Nick stood up to him last year."
"He's also a fox, like me…" Nick added quietly.
"He most certainly is not 'like you,' Nick," Judy objected. "I mean, I guess you are both foxes, but Gideon only ever used being a predator as an excuse to push everyone else around."
"Yeah…" Sharla agreed. "That's why I was so nervous when I met you, Nick. Sorry about that…"
All his friends were looking at him now, but Nick was barely paying attention. His mind was playing the day he'd stood up for Mark over in his head, trying to make sense of what had happened.
"Can I really say I'm that different from Gideon?" he thought. "I used my teeth and claws to scare bunnies, just like he did. I guess I had a reason to, but…it feels like I went too far."
The rest of the day went by rather uneventfully. Nick's mind was still caught up trying to figure things out, but none of his friends seemed to notice. He supposed that was probably a good thing; none of them seemed to think his actions during the spring were anything short of heroic, but for some reason he couldn't shake the feeling that he had been too harsh.
Things did not get easier for Nick as the weeks went on. Initially, he'd expected his worries from the first day to fade as time went on, but instead they only seemed to get worse. Being a predator in a school dominated by prey, he had begun to feel as if his presence was perceived as a threat. He knew he wasn't here to hurt anyone, but the way some of the other students looked at him almost made him feel…like he didn't deserve to be here.
Once those thoughts had entered his mind, it seemed there was nothing Nick could do to make them leave. He started paying closer attention to everything he did at school, every move he took, determined to make himself appear less threatening, but none of it seemed to change anything.
Deep inside, he knew that his attempts to make the prey kids more comfortable around him were only making him feel worse. He didn't want to act like a prey; he was a predator! But how could he be true to himself—a predator—in a school filled with mammals who might be frightened of him?
Sometime in the middle of autumn, when the weather was already starting to grow colder with every day, Nick decided he couldn't hold it in any longer. So, after school, as he and his friends were walking back towards the bus, he spoke up.
"Hey…Judy?" he said. "Could I talk to you for a minute before we go…?"
"Go ahead, Judy," Sharla said. "We'll see you tomorrow."
Clara and Mark nodded as well, and then continued towards the bus with Sharla, while Nick led Judy over to the trees by the side of the parking lot. It was the same place where he'd defended Mark during the spring, though with the weather now crisp and dry, the area no longer looked quite the same.
"What is it, Nick?" Judy asked, her violet eyes full of concern and a hint of confusion. "Is…something bothering you?"
"Yeah, kind of…" Nick replied. "You haven't…noticed me acting different or anything?"
"Different?" Judy repeated, even more confused now. "No, I thought… You seem like you're adjusting to Bunnyburrow really well. Did something happen I don't know about? Wait…has my brother been bothering you? The next time I see him, I'm going to—"
"No, it's not that!" Nick said. "I haven't seen James in a while, actually. It's…well, it's really more something I've been doing, I guess. Are you sure I don't seem different to you?"
Judy paused for a few seconds, as if she was trying hard to figure out what her friend was referring to. Eventually, she shrugged.
"I don't know, Nick," she admitted. "But if something's been bothering you, you can tell me. I'll listen."
Nick hesitated. He wasn't entirely sure how to explain it; he'd been positive that Judy at least would have noticed he was acting unusual, but if not…
"It's like…well, I've been trying to act more like a prey to fit in around here," he explained. "But I don't think it's working. I—"
"Wait, I don't understand," Judy interrupted. "Do predators and prey act that differently? Why would you need to act like someone else?"
"I…do you remember what I told you back in the spring?" Nick asked. "About how I always have to be extra calm here?"
"Yeah, I remember you saying that," Judy confirmed. "Do you still feel that way? Because I haven't seen you trying to hide your fangs anymore, like you used to."
"I…I don't know, I guess maybe I don't do that anymore…" Nick replied. "But it still seems like I'm always afraid that any little thing I do might scare someone, so I've been…holding it all in."
"I'm just not sure what it is you're 'holding in' now," Judy said. "You seem fine to me… Are you sure it's not just in your head? Maybe you're just thinking about it too hard."
"I guess… Maybe you're right," Nick said, though he wasn't entirely sure he believed it.
"Hey, if you need to talk to me about it, I'm always here," Judy said.
Nick smiled.
"Thanks, Judy," he said. "Guess we'd better get back to the bus now, huh?"
"Right!" Judy agreed. "Come on, let's go!"
And with that, she took off running back towards the bus, Nick following behind her.
Several weeks later, Nick was walking down the hall towards the door when he saw a bunny in front of him trip and fall, dropping several papers on the floor. As she got to her feet and began to pick them up, Nick knelt down beside her.
"Hey," he said, "do you want any help with—?"
"Aaah!" the bunny squeaked, looking up at him with wide eyes. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to get in your way! I just need to pick these up and then I'll go! Please don't hurt me!"
Stunned, Nick watched as the terrified rabbit frantically gathered all the papers she'd dropped, before sprinting off down the hall without another word.
"What did I do?" he wondered. "Was it seeing my fangs that scared her off? Is there anything I can do to keep these bunnies from being afraid of me, or is it always going to be like this?"
Feeling exhausted, Nick continued down the hall towards the door, soon catching up with Judy and the others. From the looks of it, they were all in good moods.
"Nick!" Judy exclaimed. "What took you so long?"
"After you went running off," Nick said, "someone dropped some papers, so I… I don't want to talk about it, ok?"
"Oh…" Judy said, her expression turning downcast. "Well…are we going to see each other over the winter? Because Sharla and Mark were just saying they could come over to my house too if you wanted to—"
"I…I'll think about it," Nick replied. He had completely forgotten that today was their last day of school in the fall. "Look, I…really need to go. I'll see all you guys later."
He turned and headed off towards the bus before Judy could stop him. He tried to distract his mind, but no matter what he did he couldn't get the image of that terrified bunny out of his head. He kept replaying the events over in his mind, wondering if there was something he had done wrong, if there was anything else he could have done to keep from scaring her.
By the time the bus reached his house, Nick was so overwhelmed that he went straight to his room, wanting some time to think over what had happened.
Thankfully for Nick, the next few weeks offered plenty of distractions from his thoughts. With the holidays to focus on, he didn't worry much about what would happen when school started back. He knew in the back of his mind that he'd have to deal with that eventually, but for now, he was just going to enjoy this time.
During all of the holiday excitement, however, Nick couldn't help but think back to the previous year, when he and Judy had secretly performed the Trust Ritual at her house. Back then, he had been worried about how the other students perceived him, and now that worry seemed to be resurfacing.
Nick also didn't see Judy at all during winter break, nor did he see any of the rest of their friends. His mother had asked him a few times if he wanted to get together with Judy and their other friends, but Nick had turned her down.
He knew it was ridiculous to worry about accidentally scaring any of his friends, especially Judy, but for some reason the interaction with that one bunny on the last day of school kept finding its way into Nick's thoughts. He couldn't help but feel like his friends would be more comfortable if he was like them, if he was a prey.
"Don't be ridiculous, Nick," he told himself. "If you weren't a predator, you wouldn't have been able to scare off those bunnies who were bullying Mark! You wouldn't have been able to do that Trust Ritual thing either! And Judy clearly has nothing against you being a fox, so why do you keep stressing about it so much?"
Nick knew he wasn't going to get an answer from himself; he had no idea why the differences between predator and prey continued to bother him. No matter how many times his friends accepted him for who he was, it seemed nothing was going to get better until he could accept himself. And he didn't know how he was going to accept himself when he continued feeling quietly ashamed every time he realized he liked being a predator.
"We used to eat other mammals!" he thought, practically berating himself at this point. "That isn't something to be proud of! How can you be proud of having those fangs, when their only purpose was to hurt and kill innocent prey?"
"Why does it matter, though?" another side of Nick's mind replied. "I don't want to hurt anyone, ever. Why is it so bad to like that I have these sharp teeth and claws, if I never use them to hurt anyone?"
Needless to say, the eleven-year-old fox's mind was an exhausting place to be right now. It was going to be a long winter.
After a moderately relaxing holiday season, Nick wasn't sure how he felt about going back to school. He was looking forward to seeing Judy again, as well as the others…but he also felt a bit nervous about seeing them again. Even with his weeks of time spent pondering his status as a predator and what that meant for him as a mammal, he hadn't really figured anything out. The only thing he knew for sure was that he was confused. Very, very confused. And he couldn't see it getting clearer anytime soon.
The first day back to school in January was dry, chilly, and windy. The wind was so frigid that even with his fur, Nick felt like his face might freeze off. He wouldn't dare skip wearing a coat on a day like this.
"Wait for me, Nick!" Brendan called, running outside to catch up with his brother.
"Someone's in a good mood today," Nick remarked as they walked down the driveway.
"Aren't you excited too?" Brendan asked. "You get to see Judy again!"
"Yeah, I know…" Nick replied.
Brendan frowned, clearly aware of his brother's lack of enthusiasm, though he didn't press him for more details. Nick felt a little bad; he didn't want to upset his younger brother and ruin his day too, but there was so much going on in his head that it was hard for him to even fake excitement. He didn't know whether to be eager to get back to school or concerned, and constantly going back and forth between those two emotions left him in a state that was just…neutral.
The bus offered temporary refuge from the crazy weather, but it did nothing for Nick's anxious mental state. The whole ride to school, he went over the same questions he had been obsessing about for months, as if the answer to all of his problems was out there somewhere, just waiting to be found.
Unsurprisingly, by the time the bus reached the school, he felt no more certain about himself than he had that morning. As he followed the crowd of other students back out into the frosty air and towards the school, he wasn't sure whether he was going to keep trying to act more prey-like to try and fit in, or if he was finally just going to be himself. He was so emotionally numb now; it didn't seem worth it to try and do any of those things. He just wanted the war inside his head to stop.
Nick was relieved when he stepped inside the school and out of the freezing cold, but internally there was no relief at all. He continued down the hall towards his classroom in silence, no longer glancing at every student around him to make sure he wasn't somehow scaring them.
"I was definitely way too worried about that last fall," he realized. "There's not much I can do if someone gets scared from just seeing me walk down the hall. But still…if I'm one of the only predators in a school full of prey, does that mean I should be more careful how I act in front of them?"
Thankfully, Nick soon arrived at his classroom and was greeted by Judy's enthusiastic welcome.
"Nick!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms around him. "I missed you! Did you have a good winter?"
"Not exactly," Nick thought.
"Yeah, it was ok," he lied. "What about yours? Did Sharla and Mark come over?"
"Yeah, they came to visit once," Judy replied. "It was…fun. Right, guys?"
She turned back to glance at Sharla and Mark—both of whom were sitting at their desks already—and both nodded. Nick thought that something about their enthusiasm didn't seem entirely genuine, but he didn't dwell on it.
"Well, I'm glad you guys had fun," Nick said, walking over to his desk to sit down. "Sorry I wasn't there; maybe some other time."
"Sure, that sounds good," Judy agreed.
As expected, school seemed to go on forever. Though Nick was relieved for several hours in which he wouldn't have to worry about interacting with prey, his restless mind would not let him focus on what the teacher was saying. He had never been nearly as attentive as Judy, but he was usually able to make himself concentrate when he needed to. Today, however, that clearly wasn't happening.
When lunch break finally came, Nick breathed a huge sigh of relief as he followed his classmates out into the hall. Judy, Sharla, and Mark followed nearby, though Nick was surprised to see that Judy wasn't nearly as lively as usual. She almost always had something to say when they got out of class, and even if Sharla and Mark weren't feeling particularly conversational, Judy usually found a way to break the ice. But not today.
By the time they reached the cafeteria, Nick realized that Judy and the others were lagging behind a bit, so he turned back to rejoin them. Unfortunately, he bumped into a deer, who immediately whirled around and glared down at him.
"Watch it, fox!" he shouted angrily.
Before Nick could respond, he heard a snarl from nearby. The deer's eyes widened in surprise, and for a moment Nick wondered if he had made the sound unknowingly. Then, he glanced to the right to see two foxes walking up to them; one was female and looked about the same age as Nick, while the other was male and looked like he was closer to Gideon's size than Nick's. Nick thought he vaguely remembered seeing the two in the cafeteria in the past, but he had never interacted with them before.
"What seems to be the problem here?" the vixen inquired, glaring at the deer while maintaining a smile.
"I…what?!" the buck exclaimed. "This fox attacked me; that's the problem! What do you—?"
"Back off right now or we'll give you some more problems," the bigger fox said, his voice deeper than any of the other kits at the school.
"What—what kind of problems?!" the buck said, sounding nervous now.
"You don't want to know," the fox replied ominously. "Now you'd better get lost before my friend and I get hungry, prey."
He snarled again for emphasis, which sent the deer running across the room. Nick himself was stunned, trying to process what had just happened as the bigger fox approached him and held out his paw.
"Name's Trevor," he said. "This here is my friend, Vanessa. We predators gotta stick together, am I right?"
"Um…um…" Nick started.
Trevor rolled his eyes.
"Come on, I'm not gonna hurt you," he said. "We're the same. I'm trying to help you."
"But…" Nick said, "that was a little harsh, the way you scared him, don't you think? He didn't even hurt me—"
"Pfft, what does it matter?" Trevor interrupted. "He was pushing you around. You can't let other mammals do that to you."
"I…I guess you're right," Nick agreed hesitantly.
Just then, Judy finally pushed her way through the crowd and came over to see what the drama was all about. Sharla, Mark, and Clara followed behind her.
"Nick, what happened?" she asked. "I couldn't see; did you growl at—"
"Nick…so that's your name," Trevor said. "Cool, it suits you. Are you friends with this bunny?"
"Y-yes," Nick answered. "This is Judy. And the other three are—"
"Cute name," Trevor remarked. "So, Nick, how would you like to sit with me and Vanessa today? You really should hang out with your own kind more."
"Nick doesn't care about that!" Judy shouted angrily. "We're all his friends, even if we're not the same species!"
"Are you sure you're really the best friends for him to have, though?" Vanessa inquired, walking up to join what was quickly becoming a confrontation.
"What does that mean?!" Judy demanded.
"Well…" Vanessa said, "it's just that he can't really be himself around you, can he? You prey might be content being all cute and cuddly, but that isn't enough for us predators."
"I don't know what you're talking about!" Judy shouted. "Just because Nick is a predator doesn't mean he wants to hurt anyone!"
"Judy…" Nick said, looking his friend in the eyes. "I…I think I might… Can I talk to you alone?"
"Ok…" Judy said, confused.
Nick led her away from the others and off to the side of the cafeteria, heart racing as he thought about what he was going to tell her. He felt so bad about it for some reason, and yet…
"Judy…" Nick said gently, "I think…I want to sit with them. At least for today."
"What?" Judy replied. "Nick, you can't really believe what he—"
"No, I know," Nick said, putting a paw on her shoulder. "And I still want to be your friend and all that, and I…I don't think you're any less of a friend just because we're different species. But…I'm the only predator in our little group, and…I don't…"
"Stop!" Nick internally shouted. "Pull it together! You can't start crying here, in front of everyone!"
"Nick…?" Judy said. "Are…you ok?"
"I just think it would be nice to hang out with other foxes some, too…" Nick explained. "I mean…you'd feel the same way if you were one of the only bunnies in a school full of predators, right?"
"Well…ok, you're right," Judy admitted. "It's just that they don't seem…very nice."
"I know," Nick sighed. "They were a little harsh to that deer I bumped into… But they don't seem too bad, at least not like Gideon Grey. And they were trying to help me out, even if they were a little too aggressive."
"I guess so," Judy agreed. "And I guess I can't tell you who to sit with anyway, so…go ahead."
"You're…not mad at me?" Nick asked.
Judy smiled.
"No, I'm not," she said. "But you're going to need to get back over there before your new friends get tired of waiting!"
"Right!" Nick replied, turning to head back towards the others. "I'll see you later, Judy!"
He ran back up to Trevor and Vanessa, who looked as if they were having a staring contest with Sharla, Mark, and Clara.
"Make a decision yet?" Trevor asked. "We don't have all day, you know."
"I…I'm coming to sit with you today," Nick said. "That is, as long as you still want me to."
"Awesome!" Trevor replied, smiling. "Nick, you're going to love hanging out with us, I promise. Come on, let's get out of here."
(A/N) WHAT COULD THIS MEAN? XD
I want to reassure everyone, again, that I do fully intend on seeing this story through to the end, even if it takes another ten years to get there. With how much better my mood and my writing have been in the last week or so, though, I expect it shouldn't take too long.
Thank you all for being patient with me, and I hope to see you again soon! (figuratively, of course)
