(A/N) At long last, it's here! Sorry again for the lengthy wait, I tend to procrastinate a lot on these chapters but once I actually start writing them they seem to go pretty quickly. I've been having more weird days, but overall I guess I'd say I'm doing pretty well. It's hard to believe it's been almost a year since I first started this story...but enough about that. Let's get to the chapter and find out what happens next!
When school started back in January, Nick didn't feel any better than he did after his last conversation with Judy. In fact, things only seemed to be getting worse as time went on. At first, he tried to ignore the feelings, thinking they were only temporary and would eventually go away once he started to accept himself and get used to the mammal he was now. Trevor and Vanessa in particular continued to assure him this would happen, which only furthered his assumption that it was nothing to worry about.
But the more time went on, the more he started to realize that he didn't feel completely content with his life. As he looked back on the last few years, it honestly looked to him like the time he had spent hiding himself was overall better than his life was now.
"Are you kidding?!" Trevor laughed boisterously, upon hearing Nick's concerns. "But you're getting to act like a predator now, not pretending to be something you're not! Why would you want to go back to covering up your fangs and hiding from everyone?"
"I…I don't know," Nick admitted, starting to feel embarrassed after what his friend said. "I just don't feel right anymore; I don't know…"
"I think I know what's going on here," Vanessa said. "You're still ashamed of who you are, and you keep letting those whiny little prey animals get to you. Have you been talking to that bunny again?"
Both Trevor and Vanessa looked at Nick accusingly, and he sunk lower into his seat. He knew they were trying to help him, but he always felt like they criticized everything he did a little harshly.
"I guess I probably need to hear it…" Nick thought. "They know better than me how to embrace themselves, how to not let the fear of prey animals change how they express themselves."
"W-well…" he started nervously. "I did talk to Judy at the end of last semester… B-but she came to find me! And I told her I wasn't trying to be mean to anyone, and that all of the prey mammals I scared were already badmouthing predators…"
"So…from what I hear, you still act like a prey when you talk to her," Vanessa said. "I thought you said she didn't affect how you present yourself anymore…? But if you're going out of your way to make her comfortable…"
"I wasn't doing that!" Nick replied defensively. "I was just…well, I was trying to be nice and explain it to her because she's my friend! Or, at least…she used to be my friend…"
Trevor gave him a pat on the shoulder, looking mildly sympathetic…or at least as sympathetic as he could look.
"Hey, don't worry about her now," he said. "If she can't accept a predator as a friend without trying to change you, then you don't need her."
"He's right," Vanessa agreed. "Stop worrying about that bunny; you have us now! I'm sure once you get away from her, you'll get used to really being yourself, just like we did."
"I…I guess so…" Nick said, though he wasn't convinced.
That particular conversation had happened in the middle of January, and as the weeks went on, Nick's mood grew steadily worse and worse. He kept thinking over what the other foxes had said, telling himself it must be true. Trevor and Vanessa had always been much more confident than he had, so if they were telling him something, he should listen…right?
But it didn't feel right. As glad as he was for the other foxes helping him feel less ashamed of who—and what—he was, he didn't feel the same with them as he had with Judy. Back when they were friends, it seemed like they would do anything for each other, like there were no secrets between them and they could trust each other with anything.
"Not true," Nick thought bitterly. "She was all fine with me being a predator until it meant I actually like having sharp fangs and claws, and then the trust was all gone."
Still, he didn't want to give up on Judy, no matter how much his new friends told him it was the right decision. He still felt like if they just talked it out, they could eventually be friends again. Maybe she would come to understand why he wanted to be the way he was now? Then again, some days even he wasn't sure why he wanted to be the way he was now…
After weeks of his frustration building up, it finally bubbled over the surface. It started as just another normal day at school, and Nick was making his way through the hall to his next class, when he overheard a few rabbits talking about him nearby.
"…watch out for him," one of them whispered, though it was obvious who she was talking about. "He likes to scare prey at any chance he gets; you want to stay clear of him."
"I heard from Samantha that he'll eat you if you get in his way," another girl bunny giggled.
"Yeah, right," the third rabbit in the group said, this one a male. "I'd like to see him try and eat me!"
"Oh, really?" Nick snarled, whirling around to face them before he could stop himself.
"Oh no, I need to just learn to ignore them…" he thought.
One of the girl bunnies giggled nervously, the other one hiding behind her. The buck in the group—who Nick guessed was probably trying to impress the does by standing up to him—stepped forward and crossed his arms.
"Yeah!" he said. "You don't wanna mess with me, fox!"
Nick chuckled and stepped forward slowly, expecting the buck to back away. To his surprise, the rabbit actually held his ground pretty well, though he could still smell fear all over him. Surely it wouldn't take much to scare him off, and then Nick could get back to class without any trouble.
"You're awfully brave, standing up to me like this," Nick said, his voice cool and confident though he didn't much feel that way on the inside. "Didn't your friend tell you what happens to bunnies who get in my way?"
"You wouldn't dare try to eat me!" the buck challenged. "I know that's just a made-up rumor! You don't scare me!"
"Yikes, he's really pushing this farther than I expected," Nick thought. "I can't just back off, but obviously I can't really eat him…"
"If I don't scare you, then why are you shouting like that?" he asked. "Sounds like you're nervous to me."
"Th-that's not true!" the rabbit said defensively. "I'm not nervous, and I know you can't actually do anything to me, so just run along!"
Both of the other bunnies looked to be backing away, though after a glare from their persistent friend, they froze in place. Clearly he was trying to prove that he could stand his ground, that Nick would eventually have to give up on scaring him and move on to something else.
But Nick refused to let that happen. Maybe last year, he would have just admitted defeat and walked away, but ever since becoming friends with Trevor and Vanessa, he had tried hard to embrace his predator side and had built his image around it. If he just walked away, let this rabbit—this prey—mock him like this, then what kind of a predator was he?
Nick continued approaching the rabbit, this time letting out a low growl as he bared his fangs. Now he started to see some hesitation in the buck's eyes, though he still didn't back up or run away. He just kept staring the predator right in the eyes, despite his trembling.
"Get away from me!" the rabbit said. "I told you, I'm not afraid of you! I'm not your prey! So just get out of here and go bother someone else!"
At those last words, as Nick was closing the distance between them, the rabbit reached forward as if to push him away…and Nick reacted without thinking. He leaned down and bit the buck's arm, eliciting a pained shout from the smaller mammal. Just as Nick opened his jaws to let go, the rabbit yanked his arm back and scraped it across the tip of Nick's fangs. He let out another cry of pain as he jumped back, stumbling over onto the floor.
"Oh no…" Nick thought, a feeling of sheer dread tightening his chest.
Immediately, the two other bunnies rushed over to check on their friend, while Nick started retreating slowly backwards. His mind was racing, his heart pounding as he tried to calm his breathing. Suddenly the allure of being a predator was gone, replaced by an overwhelming sense of shame and despair in what he was.
"How could you do this?!" the buck screamed, his cries sending chills through Nick's entire body.
"I-I don't know…" Nick said, shaking. "I…I just…"
"Come on, let's get you out of here!" the louder of the two does said.
Together, the does helped their friend back to his feet, and the three went running off down the hallway without another word.
Still trying to process what had just happened, Nick turned and ran back down the hall in the opposite direction, not stopping until he reached the bathroom. Heart still pounding, he stood in front of the mirror and opened his mouth. His heart rate increased again when he saw the blood on his fangs, the blood he knew came from the frightened prey he'd just bitten. Thankfully, it wasn't much, but the sight was still jarring to him. Even in all of the months he'd spent scaring prey animals with his predatory attitude, he had never actually attacked anyone. For the first time in his life, the fact that he was a predator was genuinely terrifying to him.
"How could I have found it…exciting?" he wondered. "I…I'm dangerous…how could that ever be a good thing? What's wrong with me…?"
Realizing he'd need to get to class soon if he wanted to avoid suspicion, Nick grabbed some paper towels and wet them in the sink, leaning close to the mirror so he could see to wipe off all the blood. He was almost positive he was going to get in trouble for this, but at least he could try to erase as much convicting evidence as possible.
In reality, he just wanted to forget any of it happened at all. He didn't want to admit the fact that trying to embrace himself as a predator had led to him hurting someone else so badly, someone who wasn't strong enough to fight back. He didn't want to admit it to anyone—even to himself—that he was actually capable of doing something like this.
As soon as his teeth looked clean, he tossed the paper towels into the trash, making sure none of the blood was visible. Hopefully someone else would come along and leave their trash on top of his, so no one would find the evidence. He was pretty sure that flushing paper towels down the toilet wasn't a good idea, and he didn't want to take any chances on doing something that could get him found out.
"Of course, I'm sure the buck is going to tell on me, so there's really no way out…" he thought.
Without wasting another moment, Nick ran back out into the hall and hurried off towards his class. He arrived just before the bell rang, and managed to slow down and calm himself as he entered the room, so that he wouldn't attract any unwanted attention. Thankfully, none of the bunnies involved in the incident were in the same classroom, so as far as he knew no one here had heard about what happened.
Nick sighed heavily as the teacher started talking. He had dodged the bullet for now, but he was sure this wasn't the last he was going to hear about what he'd done. He would have to brace himself for whatever was coming.
"So…" an old moose said, narrowing his eyes. "I'm guessing you know why you're in here, Nick Wilde?"
"Not really," Nick lied, his tone as calm and confident as he could manage.
"What am I doing?!" he screamed internally. "How am I gonna pretend I had nothing to do with it?! And directly to the principal himself?! I should just give this up now; I'm doomed anyway…"
Despite this, though, Nick kept up his confident persona and kept eye contact with the moose principal, hoping he could somehow get himself out of trouble. As long as the only evidence of what Nick had done was what the bunnies had reported…
"Don't play games with me, Wilde," the moose said, his tone firmer now. "I've been told by three different students that you attacked and bit one of them in the halls yesterday. Your teacher confirmed you were late to class that day, too. What do you say to that?"
"I don't know what they're talking about," Nick replied. "I haven't bitten anyone. They're just making stuff up to get me in trouble because they don't like me."
"You couldn't come up with anything more original than that?!"
The principal's eyes narrowed again, looking unconvinced. Still, Nick wasn't going to confess to anything just yet. As far as he knew, his parents hadn't heard about this yet, and Judy likely didn't know either…if he could just keep it like that…
"Then why is it one of the students has a bite mark on his arm?" the principal shot back.
Nick's mind worked frantically, trying to think of a good excuse. He couldn't say the rabbit bit his own arm; rabbit teeth and fox teeth were very different and that would be obvious in a bite mark. Maybe he should just give it up now…
"W-well…I don't know how to tell you…" Nick said, his voice now sounding small and nervous.
"Just say it," the principal replied. "I don't have forever."
"O-ok…" Nick started. "Well…it happened yesterday, when I was trying to go to class… A-and these three bunnies came up to me and th-they pushed me down and wouldn't let me get up. And I tried to reason with them, b-but they just said they didn't want to fox in their school… And then after a while one of them told me to b-bite his arm…and he said they would beat me up if I didn't… I really didn't want to and I tried to get up and run away, but they wouldn't let me move, s-so I—"
"Alright, that's enough," the principal interrupted. "You've made your point. And you're sure this is what happened?"
"Y-yes, sir," Nick answered.
"Very well," the principal sighed. "I will have to talk again with the other students and see what they have to say. I'm…sorry for wasting your time. It's clear this is hard for you to talk about, so I won't bother you with it anymore. You…seem like a good kit."
Those words went through him like cold icicles to his heart, knowing he was every bit as guilty as the principal had first assumed. Apparently his acting skills were better than he had thought, and he was glad to be out of trouble, but what happened…didn't sit right with him. He didn't know if this was going to get the other bunnies in trouble, and as much as they had irritated him at first he really didn't want that to happen.
But there was nothing he could do about it now. Standing up slowly, he quietly made his way out of the principal's office without another word. He figured he probably looked like he was still shaken from talking about the incident, when in reality he just felt ashamed. He was ashamed that he had bitten the rabbit in the first place, ashamed that he had spun the story on them to get himself out of trouble, and ashamed that even after all of it he still wasn't going to confess anything. All he wanted was to put this behind him, pretend it never happened at all, and move on.
As he made his way to class, he thought about how much things had changed since he moved to Bunnyburrow. Something like this would never have happened back then, when he first became friends with Judy Hopps and was still as good a kit as the principal thought he was now… If only he could go back to those days, he would hold on to his friendship with Judy and wouldn't mess it up again. He would try to find a way to be comfortable with himself without being unnecessarily mean to others. He would…
"Oh," he thought, a realization hitting him. "So that's what I have to do. Ugh…why does the universe have to be so cruel…?"
With his new path in mind, he continued on his way to class and took his seat in silence. His confident persona was gone now; he felt like he had just been hit by a bus. He knew the way forward, but he didn't know if he could muster up the courage to do what he had to. And he didn't know what would happen to him if he did, because there was no way to go back in time and change everything that had happened…
But he would be free. That much he knew for sure. And maybe that was as much as he could hope for right now.
When lunch time arrived, Nick met up with Trevor and Vanessa and took his usual seat with them. Both of them were smiling and seemed to be in as good a mood as they always were. Nick sighed; this wasn't going to be easy, but he knew he had to do it.
"I heard what happened!" Trevor exclaimed. "Is it true that you…bit that rabbit? For real?"
"Well, I'm not going to hide it from you guys, so yeah, I did," Nick confessed. "It all happened so fast, though! I didn't mean to do that to him, but I reacted without thinking and—"
"No need to explain yourself!" Vanessa laughed. "I'm impressed. You finally used your fangs for what they're made to do! You weren't afraid to use them to defend yourself and fight back."
"But you don't understand!" Nick insisted. "I didn't need to defend myself because I was the one who started it!"
"Well, duh, that's how we predators are supposed to be," Trevor said. "I mean, it's not like we were born with fangs so we could defend ourselves."
Both he and Vanessa laughed at this, and Nick shifted uncomfortably. This conversation was starting to take a weird turn that he wasn't sure he wanted to follow any further. But because he was curious, he couldn't help himself.
"Are you talking about the ancient times when predators hunted prey for food?" he asked bluntly. "Because…I mean, well…we don't really do that anymore…"
"Where is this even going?" he wondered. "These two are really pushing the whole 'predator' thing pretty far…"
"Well, sure, maybe we can't eat anyone these days," Trevor said.
"But we can still use our fangs and claws to get what we want, just like our ancestors would have," Vanessa finished.
"Um…ok…?" Nick replied. "But I just don't know if that's the best way to look at it, because our ancestors killed other mammals for food… They really weren't the best."
Trevor and Vanessa frowned, glancing at each other. Nick wasn't sure what about what he'd said was confusing to them, but he sighed as he braced himself for another lecture. These two foxes always seemed to have an answer for what a 'real' predator was supposed to do.
"Nick…predators ruled the world back then," Vanessa said. "Don't you see? It wasn't like it is now, where we're looked down upon and constantly put down. Back then, we were in control, we were respected and feared…"
"For all the wrong reasons," Nick added.
Both foxes gave him another look, this one even more disdainful than the last. He realized that he would be getting into dangerous territory if he kept going, but…he wanted to know. He wanted to understand what exactly it was that these two thought predators were supposed to be.
And of course, he was procrastinating doing what he knew he needed to do.
"What does it matter what the reasons are?" Trevor asked. "The fact is, we predators were designed to be on top, not treated like garbage the way we are now."
"They want to suppress us because they know what we're capable of, and they're afraid," Vanessa said.
"I…I guess so?" Nick replied, at a bit of a loss for words. "B-but…just because we have sharp fangs doesn't mean we should just go around biting prey animals, just because we can. Maybe they wouldn't be so afraid of us if we just showed them we don't mean them any harm…"
"You mean, by acting like a prey?" Vanessa said disgustedly.
"Nick, the moment you start changing your behavior to appeal to the prey, you lose what makes predators so incredible to begin with," Trevor said. "And we're designed to be aggressive, to take what we want, not to hide what makes us special and act like nice fluffy bunnies."
Trevor gave Nick a pat on the shoulder, though if he was being honest it didn't feel at all like a sign of friendship. Regardless of how Trevor and Vanessa viewed Nick, he couldn't see them as best friends anymore when they seemed to ignore everything he said.
"They keep saying I need to be more aggressive because that's how predators are supposed to act," he thought. "Whenever I suggest treating prey animals more gently, they say it's because I'm repressing myself. But what if…what if being an aggressive 'real' predator isn't who I am inside anyway? Maybe…they're the ones repressing me! They're keeping me from being compassionate, from being as kind as I want to be, all to mold me to their image of what they think predators 'should' be! It's no different from how being around prey used to make me feel like I was repressing myself, having to hide my fangs and acting calm all the time!"
And suddenly, it all made sense. That was why being friends with Trevor and Vanessa didn't feel like the freedom it should have, because they were repressing him just as much…only from a different side. He wasn't being any more true to himself, he was just exaggerating a different side of himself to the point where it no longer felt comfortable to be that mammal.
"I have to get out of this," he thought. "I have to do it now, before—"
"Are you ok, Nick?" Vanessa asked.
"Huh?" Nick said, jumping in his seat. "Oh…yeah, I'm fine…"
He sighed in defeat, knowing he had just missed another chance to say what he needed to. But after everything that had happened today and yesterday, he felt too overwhelmed to work up the courage to say it now. He promised himself he would do it as soon as he was ready, which he hoped wouldn't be too long from now.
As the weeks went on, however, Nick found it increasingly hard to get the words out. Trevor and Vanessa had started treating him more and more like he was really one of them, and even though he knew now that they weren't really letting him be himself, they were the only friends he had right now who accepted him at all. And he wasn't sure he was really ready to let go of that security yet.
But despite this, he had the feeling he wasn't going to ever feel truly free until he let them go. He had realized that after his talk with the principal, and that realization hadn't changed at all now. No matter how scared he was to do it, he would have to cut ties with the other two foxes if he wanted to stop this feeling, this pain of not being fully true to himself.
It was once again a choice between comfort and freedom. He felt safe with Trevor and Vanessa, just like he had with Judy and her friends, but he knew they were holding him back.
But as winter turned into spring, and the end of April drew near, Nick decided he had to give his friends at least one last chance before he made his decision. If they really were his friends, then they would understand why he didn't want to be their image of what a predator was supposed to be. If not, then he shouldn't feel any shame in cutting them out of his life…right?
He decided one morning that today was going to be the day to talk to them, and he swore to himself he'd stick to that decision no matter how scared he got. He got ready and got on the bus just like any other day, but his mind was anywhere but on school. It was a conscious effort all morning, trying to force himself to focus on class and not spend every moment stressing about what he was going to do later. He couldn't make the time move any faster, and worrying wasn't going to help him. So whenever he felt his heart start to pound faster, he took a deep breath and told himself to focus on class, and he was able to get through it.
As lunch period approached, it got harder and harder to avoid worrying, but Nick did his best and discovered he was much better at faking confidence than he used to be, even to himself. He supposed that was how he had gotten out of that mess he'd caused when he bit that rabbit…
Finally, the bell rang and the last class before lunch was over. Nick was the first one out of the room and went running down the hall as fast as his legs would carry him. He hoped that if he kept himself from thinking too much about his plan, he wouldn't have as much time to worry about it or give up at the last second.
Thankfully, when he reached the cafeteria, he quickly spotted Trevor and Vanessa. Unfortunately, he froze up the moment they made eye contact with him and quickly came to join him in the line. They both looked so upbeat as usual, and Nick felt bad that he was about to basically give them an ultimatum for remaining his friend. They had been nice to him, right? Was this really the right thing to do?
"They're jerks!" Nick thought. "Not only do they take this predator stuff way too far, but they're never going to truly accept me unless I act just as aggressive as them and push down any empathy I ever feel so far that no one will ever see it!"
"Hey, Nick!" Trevor said casually. "How was your morning? Had another run-in with James Hopps, but he didn't stick around once he saw me coming."
He and Vanessa snickered and fist-bumped each other. Admittedly, Nick didn't think highly of Judy's brother James himself, but the way the other foxes seemed to enjoy being feared was…unsettling. It was even more unsettling because Nick himself understood the feeling, even though he still didn't know why he felt that way. All he knew was that he didn't want to be known for scaring and hurting innocent mammals who never did anything to deserve it. No matter how much he embraced being a predator, he didn't think that was ever ok.
"Um…Nick?" Vanessa said. "Are you ok? You're just staring again."
Nick took a deep breath, and looked the foxes in the eyes, glancing back and forth between them. He wasn't going to draw this out any longer.
"Alright, guys, look," he started, trying his best to ignore his pounding heart. "I really appreciate how you guys took me in and helped me not be ashamed of who I am and everything…but for a while now you've been saying things that don't add up. You say you don't want me to 'repress' myself, but whenever I say I want to stop being mean to prey and…and reassure them I don't want to hurt them, you tell me I can't do that. You tell me I can only be a real predator if I act like how you want me to. But what if I really don't feel that way? What if being aggressive all the time isn't who I am inside?"
He stopped there, waiting for their reaction. They both stared at him for several moments, glancing at each other as if genuinely surprised. They clearly hadn't expected him to say anything like this. For a moment, Nick almost spoke up again, but they finally replied.
"But you said you liked being predatory," Trevor said, confused. "When we first met you, you said you felt like you couldn't be yourself around the prey mammals because they made you feel like you needed to hide your fangs and act calm all the time. You do still want to be a predator, right?"
"I…look, yes, I was feeling repressed then!" Nick replied. "I hated having to hide and feel like I should be ashamed just because I'm a predator! I want to be able to show my fangs like it's no big deal, to let out a playful growl every now and then without anyone thinking I'm going to eat them, but…but what you keep trying to make me do is way beyond that! I never wanted to be cruel, to act like the predators in ancient times did! I just…I just want to be myself, but…what you want me to be isn't that."
Vanessa scoffed, looking deeply offended.
"So I was right, then," she said snootily. "You do just want to be a prey! Were you just lying to us when you said you enjoyed being one of us, having the prey fear you? Having the smallest sliver of the fear and respect we predators are supposed to have?"
"…What the heck…?" Nick thought.
"That's not what I said," Nick retorted, crossing his arms. He glared at her, giving himself a second to calm down and regain his confidence so he wouldn't look like a scared kit. "And I never cared about being feared or whatever by everyone. I don't want to be better than everyone else; I just want to be myself and not have to make everyone else uncomfortable by doing so. The thing is…I remember what it felt like when I was ashamed of myself. Ashamed because I'm a predator, a fox. And that day when I talked to June—Samantha's sister—and she was afraid of me but I let her know I wasn't going to hurt her…I felt more like myself than I ever had before. Because I wasn't ashamed at all when she noticed my sharp claws. I didn't try to hide them, and I wouldn't have even if she asked me to. Honestly, there's a part of me that still kind of liked it when she told me I was scary…and that's something I don't really understand, but I made it very clear that I wasn't going to hurt her. She was kind to me, she needed help, and I would never go out of my way to scare her just because she was a bunny, because…because I know how it feels to be looked down on for my species. And I won't do that to anyone else, ever."
With that having been said, he took another deep breath and waited for his friends to respond. When they just stood there silently, Nick had a moment of panic. Had he been too harsh?
"No," he told himself. "Everything I said was true. I'm not going to hide it just because they don't like the real me. I was probably too quick to trust them anyway, so desperate to find someone who would accept me for who I am…"
"Anyway, that's all I have to say," Nick said. "If you want to get over yourselves and be friends with a fox who isn't a living nightmare to be around, come find me. Otherwise, just forget about it. I'm so done here."
And he turned and walked into the line alone, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted. Neither of the other foxes followed him, but he didn't look back. He guessed they were probably seething, but he didn't care about that right now. Even if it meant sitting all by himself, at least he was free. He didn't have to put on an act, didn't have to pretend to be way more gentle or aggressive than he was. He was simply Nick Wilde, and if anyone wanted to be his friend, they would just have to accept that.
When he got to his table, sitting far away from the rest of the students, he let out another heavy sigh.
"It's over," he said quietly. "It's all over."
(A/N) ...yeah, those two are kinda crazy.
Nick is starting to figure things out! Of course he's all on his own again :( but maybe he'll talk to Judy again before too long...?
I doubt I'll be updating this story until after Christmas, so MERRY CHRISTMAS to everyone and HAPPY NEW YEAR just in case it takes me two or more weeks to get the next one done! XD
