Chapter 10: Old Habits Die Hard

Logan missed the look from Lorelai but he saw Rory blanch, every drop of blood drained from her face leaving it ghost white and her eyes took on the wild look of a cornered animal. Then he noticed the tall boy standing behind her.

He didn't know who the new arrival was but from the varied expressions of horror and panic around the table he would have bet money that it was the infamous boyfriend. The next words confirmed his conjecture.

Rory's voice sounded strangled "Dean, hi...wh-what are you doing here?"

"Maybe that's the question I should be asking you." The boy spat out in a disbelieving tone "Or more specifically maybe I should ask what you are doing here with him." He pointed an accusing finger at Logan. "Tell me we are not really doing this again." He snorted in disgust and turned "You are unbelievable Rory." With that he slammed out of the diner, the ringing bell on the door was the only sound that split the deafening silence.

Lover boy might be a man of few words but from the look on Rory's face they were effective ones.

Logan, in true Logan fashion, tried to make a joke "So that's the notorious Dean? Seems like a charmer."

Rory just stared at him and the wrecked look in her eyes had the laughter dying on his lips.

She looked around slowly at the group assembled at the table. She closed her eyes in horror as she pictured what it must have looked like to Dean, their chairs pulled close together, their heads bent forward as they hatched their devious plan and then the words, from her own mouth, the ultimate betrayal.

This was bad, this was way past bad, this was more in the zip code of atrocious or appalling... what was it with her and Dean that always seemed to end in a shipwreck...usually involving another guy.

She lurched up from her seat, unsteady on her feet. "I have to talk to him." She mumbled half to herself.

Lorelai stood as well "Are you sure that's a good idea honey? Maybe you should give him some time to cool off then you can explain this in a rational way."

Rory just gazed at them again with a blank uncomprehending look "There isn't a rational explanation for this. This should never have happened."

She spun on her heel and ran out the door after Dean.

The boyfriend's reaction to an innocent situation had seemed all out of proportion to an outside bystander but looking at the worried faces of Rory's mom and the man who was obviously a father figure to her Logan couldn't help but wonder what he was missing.

Silence reigned in the diner and three sets of eyes were trained on the window as they watched Rory catch up with Dean across the square.

Logan, still a virtual stranger to these people felt a little voyeuristic watching what appeared to be a pivotal moment in their lives but he couldn't seem to turn away from the tableau. It was sort of like watching a car wreck ...it was horrible, gruesome but part of you couldn't help but look to see if anyone survived the wreckage and rejoice that it wasn't you trapped in those twisted remnants.

"Dean" she yelled as she saw him crossing the town square, at first he didn't stop so she broke into a run still screaming his name. She knew he heard her because finally his shoulders slumped in defeat and he slowed his pace. The panic gave her a burst of speed and she caught up and fell into step with him.

"Dean, it isn't what you think. What you saw in there. It was all a mistake, a misunderstanding. Logan is just a friend who I ran into at my grandparents party." She grabbed at his arm in desperation begging him to stop. "Dean, you've got to believe me."

Finally, he stopped and turned towards her but he still wouldn't look in her eye.

"Dean, please..." it came out a broken plea as she choked back a sob.

At last he looked at her and she almost wished he hadn't. The devastation in his eyes punched her in the gut and had her sucking in a trembling breath. "Dean..." she reached out to touch him but he shook off her hand.

He spoke softly but his words seemed to echo in the square. "I thought you were at some party tonight, at your grandparent's house. Was that just another lie? Like with Jess...just explain to me why you didn't have time to spend with me but you found time to get all cozy with some complete stranger.... what the hell are you doing Rory? Am I just a toy that you string along when you have no one better to spend your time with and then leave high and dry when someone better comes along? I was so stupid to have even started this with you again...my life is in a shambles because of you and yet here we are again at an instant replay of the dance a thon. I probably deserve this pain since it seems like I am just too thickheaded to learn the lesson the first two times. I should have known I would just end up with my heart broken again. That is always how it ends with you, there is never a happy ever after."

After this outburst he stared up at the night sky as if he were asking for some kind of divine intervention. Then he sighed with resignation and rubbed a tired hand across his eyes before looking at her again. He felt a pang in his heart at the silent tears that coursed down her cheeks.

"Look Rory, I'm sorry. I am angry at you for tonight, and I think I have every right, what ever was going on in there was not as innocent as you want me to believe."

Rory started to protest but he held up a hand to stop her.

"I am angry at you, but more than anything I'm angry at myself. What I just said to you wasn't entirely fair, it isn't your fault that my life is in a shambles, it's mine. I made my own decisions, I got myself into this mess."

Rory could see now that Dean was on the verge of some kind of inner chasm. "Dean, lets sit down and talk about this at least."

This time he didn't fight her grasp as she led him to the steps of the gazebo. He sat down and placed his face in his hands with a dejected sigh. She gingerly sat down next to him feeling the melancholy engulf her as well.

She opened her mouth but wasn't sure what to say and sighed as she closed it again. She stared up into the dark sky; the pale moon was higher now and illuminated the square with a strange ghostly light. They sat that way for a long time Rory looking at the sky and Dean at the ground.

Two different perspectives on the world, Rory thought. That was probably why they had worked so well together in high school, they were so different but they found a sweet balance in each other. They had love and that was all they needed.... well, until Jess came along, Rory thought with a pang of remorse.

So many mistakes had been made and yet somehow they had found their way back to each other. Wasn't that fate...true love like you read about in fairytales?

Rory let herself exist in the idyllic world of memory for a long moment. Then she did what she knew had to be done, what she had been avoiding since the beginning...she ripped aside the shroud and looked in the mirror.

She didn't like what was reflected there, she had known she wouldn't. She didn't like the person that she had become, a person who would sleep with a married man because of fear and insecurity. Last year she had ventured out into the real world and it had terrified her. For the first time in her life she hadn't felt safe and she yearned for that warm cocoon of stability. She had stood at a crossroads in her life and she had taken the coward's way out. She had settled for what had been instead of what could be, too afraid to take the risks and blaze a new trail. She had trapped herself in the cobwebs of the past and her actions had threatened everything that was dear to her. Her own mother, her best friend was ashamed of her. Not because she had slept with a married man, those wounds would heal in time, but because she had gone against everything that Lorelai had struggled her whole life to teach her, daring, courage, a belief in her self, independence and imagination.

She had been lying to herself since day one. She hadn't found her way back to Dean because she had never really left. Had never allowed herself to move on, to move forward. He had been her safety net and she had used him without thought of the consequences.

The spark wasn't there anymore and in her heart she had known that since waking up next to him in her bed but she hadn't been able to stop herself from trying to reconstruct what they had once had. It was true they still had love.... it just wasn't enough anymore.

Irrevocable decisions got made in the silence that stretched between them and finally she spoke. "Dean, you aren't alone in the blame. We both made bad decisions. We got carried away in the heat of the moment and did things that we both regret. I love you, and I don't regret the time that we have spent together, but I think that maybe we both knew it wouldn't last forever. So much changed for me this year and I was so scared that all I could think about was how perfect you were, how perfect and happy we were. Now tts time to face the facts, that isn't reality anymore and I don't think we can make it real again no matter how hard we try.

Dean looked at her then and resolution had replaced the anger in his eyes "Rory, I love you, I have always loved you since that first day I saw you and I still feel that but we are too different. We want different things. It has taken me a long time but now I realize that some obstacles can't be overcome. I didn't want to see the truth because it hurt. I don't know what I am going to do yet, what I want to do but maybe that has been the whole problem, I'm so mixed up and I don't know what I want. I was lonely and scared and I loved you and that made sense, that was easy, so I took the easy way. "

Rory nodded in understanding "I think we both did."

Rory leaned up against him, smelling his familiar comforting scent and remembering all the good times they had together. He was her first for a lot of things and he would always hold a special place in her heart but the time for the past was over.

Finally she pushed away and stood up.

"Dean, I want to be happy, I want you to be happy and I think the only way to do that is to start fresh. I know that we will still see each other around, in a town like Stars Hollow it is virtually impossible not to and I hope that someday we can be friends but I think that right now that isn't good for either of us."

Dean lowered his head but nodded "I agree."

Dean slowly stood and looked down at her as he whispered "Goodbye Rory."

She gave him a last imploring look and said with a half smile. "Be happy Dean, you deserve that." He nodded once before turning and walking away.

She watched until she could barely make out his form at the far end of the street, the pain wasn't over she knew, there would be time for tears and she would feel heartache but for now all she felt was numb and clean.

She realized now that all the pent up fear was gone, she didn't like what she saw in the mirror but she still had the chance to change it. The important part was that she wasn't afraid to look anymore. "Goodbye Dean" she whispered almost to herself.

Then she turned her back on the past and walked towards the diner, towards an undefined and unexplored future.