An Epic Duel
Logan watched Rory stalk towards the car, the effect of her haughtiness somewhat dampened by the flouncing skirt and the pom poms and grinned to himself. The car ride was mundane enough. Or at least what was deemed mundane by their admittedly odd standards. Taunting remarks, sundry threatening retorts and Rory stewing over her current undesirable attire in a manner reminiscent of a five year old who has been told it could not go to the playground because it has a visit with the dentist. It only went down hill from there. They alighted from the car and stood staring put at the Harvard football stadium. Rory turned with a little shiver of apprehension to face her tormentor.
"Start explaining. What assignment required me to be seen in public in this ridiculous school spirit Barbie get up? It had better be good because I'm freezing my butt off in this skirt." Logan had staunchly refused during the car trip to expound on the details of their charge.
Logan gave her a teasing look "Come on Ace, time put on your game face, I am sensing a certain lack of effervescent cheeriness. Surely it can't be all that bad?"
"People have died for less." She continued in a thoughtful tone "Now that you mention it though I have to ask. How did the onus of this particular chore fall on me? I am hardly the epitome of ebullience and I am at best athletically challenged. Don't you think that Stephanie is more the poster girl for pep?"
She wasn't far from the truth, Stephanie had originally been cast in this particular role and it had been Finn's idea to swap her for Rory. He was beginning to see the genius behind Finn's own special brand of lunacy. The stakes in this particular game had just gone up. It would have been too easy to do this with a seasoned pro like Stephanie; this was much greater challenge.
"I don't know Ace, you've definitely got the vim down, you are just a little heavy on the vinegar. Lucky for you this role doesn't actually require any cheeriness. Maybe just a few gratuitous high kicks."
She gave him a sour look. "You'll be lucky if I don't kick you before the end of the day. Enough tongue in cheek slander. The sooner we complete our errand the sooner I can burn this outfit in effigy."
Logan cleared his throat around a chuckle as he pictured the bonfire, he could just see Rory cackling with glee as the offending garment went up in flames.
"Our mission, should we choose to accept it is to successfully challenge the Harvard mascot to a duel and steal his head."
She gaped at him. "Are you serious?"
"Deadly."
She was dumbfounded "You want to steal the Mad Puritan's head?"
He sighed in a long-suffering fashion "Let me guess, this in some way upsets your sense of propriety?"
Rory hesitated "Well, it does seem sort of, I don't know, unsportsmanlike I guess."
He gave her a disbelieving look "You do know you go to Yale right? As a member of the prestigious Bulldogs you are by definition the arch enemy of the Crimson cantabs?"
She pouted "I have a soft spot for Harvard, okay. You made your point. Now how are we going to get into the game in these outfits?"
He considered the question as he stared up at the football stadium "I guess repelling in out of helicopters is out of the question" she smacked him on the arm
"Very funny James, now how do we really get inside?"
He brandished two game tickets. "Actually that's the easy part, we have tickets."
"Okay, right.... so how do we get on to the field? I'm guessing they aren't just going to let us skip on by with a smile."
"How did you know?"
She looked at him perplexed "Did you bribe them or something?"
He shook his head in distress "Sadly no, my inside man on the Harvard Security squad retired last year. He is greatly missed I assure you."
She couldn't tell if he was kidding or not.
"We are using our most secret and deadly weapon, your feminine wiles."
She looked around as if unsure that he was talking to her and then put a finger to her chest "My feminine wiles?" Her tone implied that she was concerned that he might have suffered a stroke that had impaired all his important cognitive processes...not her voice noted, that there were that many of them to begin. This might very well be a fatal loss.
"You are the only female in present company are you not?"
She nodded slowly in the affirmative "Yes, that is biologically correct, however, it seems that I was born without the flirty, starry eyed, giggling gene. My mom, the self-annoited priestess of seduction tried to teach me the whole routine but the farthest she ever got was the strategic hair flip. I think she gave me up as a lost cause. I am without discernible wile. Not even the slightest bit wiley...and yes, I do know that is not actually a word but when faced with a situation such as this sometimes one must improvise."
Logan gave her somewhat surprised looked at her adamant voice, sure that she was pulling his leg but when this was met with her earnestly anxious expression he had a sudden realization. Rory had no idea how effective her feminine wiles were on him or countless other hapless members of the male sex. Her artless innocence wasn't really artless at all it was sheer cluelessness. In this particular department she might just be as disconcertingly naive as she seemed. He was a little embarrassed actually that he, the great Logan Huntzberger, renowned killer of ladies, eligible bachelor extraordinaire had been brought to his knees by an amateur, of course, that was probably part of the allure of Rory. He shook his head in amazement she was dangerous enough as it was if she ever figured out her full power she would be a force to reckon with.
He forced his mind back from it's little sojourn and focused on the conversation. He patted her arm reassuringly "Don't worry Ace, I happen to be an expert on feminine wiles and with a few tips from me you will have the guards eating out of your hands." He assessed her like an artist about to put the first delicate stroke of paint onto a blank canvas. "How are you at crying on cue?"
"Maybe you should just wear the skirt." She said in a pleading voice. "I think you would look great in blue."
"Sorry blatant obsequiousness won't win you this one. Besides, I'm an autumn, and blue just is not my color. Now let me fill you in on the script for this little bit of theater." They bent their heads together and he explained the details of the plan.
She looked at him with worried eyes when he was finished. "I don't know, I have never been very good at lying and I am definitely no Blanche Dubois." She thought for a long moment before giving him a sideways glance. "Hey, wait a minute, if that is the plan then why do I have the pom poms?"
He shrugged and feigned innocence "You never know when they might come in handy as a weapon."
She put her hands on her hips "You are enjoying my humiliation a little too much for my taste."
He chuckled but quickly changed the subject back to the original topic. "Trust me Ace, stick with your strengths and you can't go wrong. One look with those baby blues and you will have those security guards on their knees."
He could tell she didn't believe him. How had he gotten himself in this mess? It was like giving little orphan Annies lessons in seduction. He had a feeling he was going to regret this little apprenticeship.
"Just picture yourself as the tragic heroine, Juliet with her Romeo or Catherine pining for Heathcliff." The wide eyed look would have reduced his knees to jelly if he hadn't steeled himself against it. Damn it was no fair going up against a beginner. At least with a seasoned coquette he knew they were on a level playing field and the rules were pre-determined. With Rory there were no rules to speak of.... only the cardinal one.... do unto others...or some such nonsense. He shuddered to think what she would do to him.
She narrowed her eyes slightly at him as she watched his face. "If I didn't know better I might actually think that you had read those books. Are you a closet Classics junkie? Have you been sneaking into the libraries late at night for your book fix? Maybe that is why you spend all your time at the paper napping. You are making up for lost sleep becaue you spend every night having clandestine rendezvous with the heroines of yore. I think you are more of a student than you like to pretend.... in fact I would bet Luke's coffee on it."
This threw him off for a moment "Luke's coffee? Why wouldn't you just bet money?"
She gave him a look that clearly said that she pitied his ignorance "Luke's coffee is the main currency in the Gilmore girl domain. Why bother betting money when you just end up using said money to buy Luke's coffee...this way it is less hassle...you just cut to the chase and get the coffee without the extra effort."
"Oh, well, now it's perfectly clear. You know what Ace, I think you and your mother should be studied."
"I'm choosing to take that as a compliment."
"Your prerogative.
"You know I've noticed that you do use a lot of big words. I bet you are one of those guys who got a 1500 on your SATs and never studies a lick! You just play the rich guy skating through school. You know what I think." She gave him a wicked grin as she delivered her killing blow "I think that you are secretly a lover of literature."
He looked so appalled that she burst into laughter and he hurriedly shushed her with a hand over her mouth. "I am begging you can we please get back to hatching our little plan and stop the spreading of vicious rumors involving my literary habits and SAT scores. My reputation would never survive the scandal."
"Okay Mr. Darcy what ever you say."
He answered without thinking "Yes, Elizabeth, now can we PLEASE..."
She pointed a victorious finger at him and crowed with glee "See, I knew it!"
At his censuring look she subsided "Okay back to work boss. Let's say your little ruse works to get me onto the field, how are you going to get out there? You are hardly inconspicuous in that costume?"
"Don't worry about me, I have friends in high places. Besides you are going to provide me a little distraction."
"I guess I can't think of any other impediments to success, except logic of course."
"Suspension of disbelief is a beautiful thing." He gestured gallantly for her to precede him "All the world's a stage my dear. Its time for your ten minutes of fame."
"Well, I guess the fitting salutation is break a leg. I just hope I don't break mine." The last part came out in a worried mutter.
She squared her shoulders and took a deep breath before she approached the gate with her ticket clutched nervously in her hand. The guard did pause briefly as he took in her garb but she sent him what she hoped was a friendly smile and he let her pass. She sighed with relief. The easy part was over, now for the hard part.
She approached the tunnel that led towards the field from the dressing rooms and entered it a bit apprehensively. No boogey men or monsters jumped out at her immediately so she tentatively continued. As expected she was met at the entrance to the field by a burly security guard with a grim expression. Apparently he wasn't a big Bulldog's fan.
She swallowed nervously and then stepped forward. He looked her up and down suspiciously and said in a snide tone "I think you must be lost miss. Only players and staff are allowed on the field during the game"
She took a careful breath remembering Logan's instructions, big eyes, tears, batting eyelashes...here went nothing. She went the easy route first with her most innocent expression...Bambi would have been proud. "Uh, I'm sorry sir, I am here to see Mark, and he told me that I could get in this way."
"Who?" his look was menacing and in silhouette he looked like an ogre guarding the entrance to some mythical castle.
She shivered but then pressed onward. "You know, the guy who plays the pilgrim, the Harvard mascot. I think he put my name on some list or something."
He paused and looked down at a clipboard in his hand "What did you say your name was?"
She craned her neck as if trying to see the list "Krissy, with a K, my real name is Kristiana but that's just horrid sounding so I go by Krissy." She babbled brightly as he scanned the list but stopped when he looked back at her with a shake of his head
"There is no Krissy on this list."
On to step 2, "What do you mean? He promised me that he would put my name on the list." She began to pace in an agitated fashion working up to hysteria "how could he not put me on the list. He promised. What does this mean? The jerk has probably forgotten my name." She stopped dead as she saw the mascot prancing down one side of the field towards the cheerleaders...here was her chance, she charged for the field but was stopped by a beefy hand on her upper arm as she was spun back to face the guard.
"I'm sorry miss, I don't know what this is about but this is a football game and I can't let you on the field unless you are on the list."
She didn't have to fake the tears after all as his hand bit into her arm "But you don't understand, I have to see him , I can't believe that jerk, all the promises he made me and look." She pointed her other hand in the general direction of the field, she could feel his hand loosening slightly at the sight of her tears. She turned up the pitch of hysteria in her voice "He's probably out there flirting with some other bimbo as we speak and here I am a pathetic mess over some idiot that probably doesn't even remember my name."
She wiped her eyes helplessly with her free hand and lowered her voice to desperate and heartbroken. "You must think I am totally silly and pathetic but I love him, or at least I thought I did. I didn't know him very long but I thought what we had was special. He said he loved me and now...now" she let out a loud sob and had the guard dropping her arm and reaching for a handkerchief She watched him out of the corner of her eye as she accepted the tissue and made a big show of wiping her eyes and blowing her nose.
She was amazed at the look of panic on the formerly dangerous looking guard. It seemed this was another area that she would have to bow in deference to Logan's superior knowledge. As he had correctly predicted it seemed even large scary looking men had a fatal defect in their emotional makeup...they hated to see a woman cry. She sniffled again and then looked up at him with apologetic eyes. "I'm sorry...Mr....I'm sorry what's your name?"
He patted her awkwardly on the shoulder with a large hand clearly feeling out of his league with hysterical females. "Frank, just call me Frank." He was trying to soothe her, which was kind of sweet, but she could see his eyes darting in desperation, looking for someone, anyone to save him.
"I'm sorry Frank, I don't mean to bother you, its just...well, I don't know what to do" she paused for effect and to add another swallowed sob "About the baby." This was accompanied by another onslaught of silent sobbing.
"Baby?" he stuttered and then looked angrily at the field. She put her head down in shame but saw his face through her lashes. He looked totally buffaloed and angry for her. She could see as clearly as day the switch in his loyalties, in that instant he had become her champion, . She gave a mental cheer. She was probably going to hell for this, but just might work after all. "You mean to tell me that jerk got you pregnant?"
She nodded with a shamed face "I guess its my fault as much as his, I shouldn't have believed him, its just he seemed so sweet and so kind. Not like the other guys. My friends are always telling me that I am just too naive for my own good but I never believe them."
Now he looked like he would gladly pummel the pilgrim for her. She felt a little pang of guilt...but she was too far in to stop now. "What did he say when you told him? Don't tell me he told you to get rid of it."
She looked up anxiously and now she lay a reassuring hand on his burly arm "No, no, he doesn't even know yet. I was coming here today to tell him." She could see him hesitate torn in two directions
"Can't you wait until after the game?"
She had already thought of that one "No, my parent's are here with me and we are planning on leaving for Connecticut in an hour. After the game it will be too late. I figured this might be my only chance to see him and talk to him without my father there with his finger on the trigger. I don't want to force myself on him...until I saw this display I was hoping it would at least be a happy reunion." She watched the cheerleader and the mascot on the field for a long minute, letting her eyes display a tragic and wistful look "I guess I am on my own." She turned with a dejected sigh. "Thanks for listening Frank. I am so sorry for crying all over you, I am just such a mess." She turned and with a slumped shoulders and dragging feet and started to walk back the way she had come, the picture of despair.
She only got two steps before his voice stopped her. "Miss, wait. It's not right that you should have to deal with this by yourself. That asshole should have to take responsibility for his actions."
She was still facing the other direction so he couldn't see the exultant smile that lit her face for a brief flash before she schooled her features back to forlorn. 'What do you mean Frank? Will you help me talk to him?"
He hesitated a second longer and then she could see him crack "Yeah, I will help you."
She threw himself into his arms hugging him tightly "Oh, Frank, you don't know how much this means to me. Thank you so much. How can I ever repay your kindness?" she was babbling as he tried to extricate himself from the embrace.
He finally gave her a little push forward towards the field. "Just don't mention my name okay. I could get fired for this. Now you go find that jerk and tell him a thing or two, and don't let him sweet talk you. Thos Ivy league devils think they can get away with anything."
So true she thought as a picture of Logan flashed in her mind. This little acting session was proof positive that he was an expert at psychoanalysis at least of the male psyche. She only hoped he never tried to analyze her. That was the stuff of nightmares.
She turned with a last wave "I won't forget you Frank." She had a feeling she wouldn't be forgetting any of this weekend for a long time.
She blew him a kiss before she stepped out on the field and made her way resolutely towards the Harvard sidelines. There was no time for self-congratulations now; it was time for step three.
When Rory came walking out of the tunnel and down the sideline of the field with no brute squad in pursuit Logan breathed a sigh of relief. Despite his words of encouragement he had entertained a few doubts about her ability to win over the guard. She must have played it well though because soon he saw the gigantic security guard follow her out a few steps to stand at the entrance to the field. He looked ready to tear someone's arms off in Rory's honor. He would be wise to remember this lesson and stay on Miss Gilmore's good side; she seemed to have a knack for attracting allies from the least likely sources.
Colin nudged him from behind and he watched as Rory approached the Harvard mascot who was surrounded by a gaggle of cheerleaders. He had to admire her acting skills; even from here he could see that she practically radiated anger. He would not want to be that poor mascot when she cornered him. Luckily the crowd hadn't really noticed the scuffle brewing so she had a few minutes to set the stage. Whatever she said to the mascot when she reached him had the girls parting before her like the Red Sea before Moses and he guessed from the look on the poor mascot's face that he was about to have a religious experience.
Rory grabbing the huge head of John Harvard and attempting to kick it down the field was amusing enough, when she missed and kicked the poor guy in the shin instead Colin doubled over beside him convulsing with mirth. "Who knew Gilmore could do physical comedy? She is good."
Logan gave him a dubious look "Beginners luck."
Colin grabbed the binoculars out of Logan's hands and totally ignored his comment as he watched with rapt attention as the drama unfolded on the far side of the field. Rory grabbed the head with both hands and hurled it as far down the sidelines as she could, whether intentional or not the resulting bounce and roll that landed the head mid football field was nothing short of brilliant. "Genius." Colin whispered.
Logan shook his head in disbelief. Colin had a point. Leave it to Gilmore to even be good at being bad. "Yeah, she is a regular idiot savant." He grabbed the binoculars back from Colin and gave a sardonic little laugh. "Don't award the MVP trophy just yet though Colin. She has passed her first little test with flying colors, lets see what happens when we up the ante a little."
With his eyes glued to Rory's face he gave the signal. "Lights, action, camera..." suddenly Rory's voice rang out in surround sound and the electronic scoreboards blipped once in protest before displaying a close-up shot of the soap opera playing out on the field. Logan smiled in appreciation at the triumph. Seth, the resident techie of the LDB was a verifiable genius.
He saw Rory's head snap around scanning the display and the instant narrowing of eyes, her nostrils flared ever so slightly and he congratulated himself on having the forethought to be on the other side of the field where her foot was far away from the more sensitive parts of his anatomy.
"Come on Gilmore, keep your eye on the ball." he murmured to no one in particular.
Rory turned back to the clueless boy and advanced on him with her hands on her hips the picture of righteous indignation. He was hopping on one leg, still holding the injured shin but he tried to make some sense of what was happening "Who are you?" he asked in a bewildered voice.
"Who am I? Who Am I?" It was said in a near glass-shattering contralto. "I can't believe your nerver...asking who I am, after the nights we shared together."
She poked a hard finger into the boy's chest and he dropped his leg and stumbled back a step. "Does the name Krissy ring any bells?" she said voice dripping rage and implicitly threatening violence. The boy looked like he was actually thinking about it and she rolled her eyes and all pity dissolved. If he couldn't even remember the names of the girls he had slept with then he deserved this comeuppance. She could practically hear the collective held breath in the crowd as they all waited for his answer.
"No."
It came out a soft guilty admission, and she repeated it on an incredulous shout "No? No? Those were some of the best days of my life and you are saying you don't remember me? I suppose you don't think you should help me with the baby either." She put her head in her hands and dissolved into tears. The crowd gasped, this poor guy was never going to live this moment down. She caught sight out of the corner of her eye of another set of security guards coming down the tunnel at a run but Frank, her loyal guard dog stopped them and she could see them conversing. She was sure of it now, this was going on God's roll books somewhere, she was going to hell for this. She was amazed when his powers of persuasion clearly worked and the other two guards subsided into stillness in identical stances of anger, arms crossed, legs spread wide.
She turned back and for the first time she caught a clear glimpse behind the mascot. She was speechless for a full second when she recognized the blonde girl practically wrapped around him. "You?" the shock was completely unfeigned as Darcy, dressed in a Harvard cheerleader's uniform and looking every inch the perfect Barbie doll gave her a secretive wink. Her mouth must have dropped open because she sucked in a lungful of cold air. Obviously Logan had left out a few key details in his run down of the plan. She was going to have a few choice words for him if they got out of this alive.
Since she was still knocked off her rhythm Darcy happily took up the reigns practically purring as she rubbed up against the startled boy "Just who do you think you are charging in here and making these ridiculous claims about poor Mark here?"
Rory regained her tongue with venom " Who are you the next slut of the week?"
Darcy's face was smug "you had better watch who you call a slut honey, I'm his girlfriend." She emphasized the word and Rory could practically hear the neener neener in the priggish tone.
"Are you calling me a whore?" Rory demanded in a tone that implied that she was barely controlling her fury...in truth she was barely controlling the guffaw that was lodged in her chest by sheer will alone.
Darcy, playing the role to the hilt stepped forward and gave Rory an insolent once over "If the cheap stiletto fits honey." The tone was contemptuous.
Going with the momentum Rory hauled back to slap her across the cheek; Darcy stopped her hand a scant inch from her face and gave her a derisive sneer. "Go home and play with your dolls honey, if that is the best you can do you better leave the playing field to the big girls." There was a frozen moment. All pretense of a football game had ceased entirely.
Mark the unwitting victim was looking wildly from one girl to the other and saw his life flash before his eyes and he prayed to god that his parents never saw this game footage, ever. He didn't know these girls, he was tongue-tied, things were snowballing out of control and he was helpless to stop it. He put a hand on Darcy's shoulder but she shrugged it off carelessly and continued to stalk towards Rory.
"You want to fight Princess, come on, bring it on."
Rory wasn't exactly a street fighter; the closest she had ever come to kung fu was the chicken variety from Al's Pancake World when he was featuring Chinese cuisine. Darcy gave her a light shove and as she stumbled back she did the first thing she could think of and threw her pom pom at the other girls head. The flying fringe momentarily obscured her vision and when she tried to spin towards Mark the mascot she miscalculated her aim and launched her other pom into the rest of the gathered cheerleading squad. She stumbled over a water bottle on the ground and felt herlsef falling. For once her lack of coordination was a boon. She managed by sheer luck to take Darcy down with her and they landed in a graceless heap with arms and legs and pom poms twisted. Rory was pretty certain there was going to be a shot on national television of her underwear. Thank god she wasn't wearing a thong.
Darcy gave her a sardonic look as they untangled their legs and whispered, "Good show kid, but you fight like a girl." The mascot was pacing nervously in front of the two fallen combatants and the attention of the whole cheerleading squad was focused on them as they leaned over his back.
Logan looked at Colin and winked. "I think that's our cue my friend. Its time for a little chivalry of the type long lost in the annals of history."
Darcy and Rory picked themselves up and straightened their skirts before they started circling one another. Rory felt a little like a WWF wrestler, maybe her stage name could be Lorelei the Lusty or ... No one saw Logan until it was too late. He came out of nowhere at a run and landed a hard left on the pitiable Mark's face.
Suddenly darcy and Rory were back to being bystanders. Mark gave the new arrival in the bulldog costume with a stupefied look. Rory figured at this point he was only praying that this was all some nightmare he would wake up from back in the land of sanity. "You hit me?!" he said in a whine with a hand cradling his cheek where Logan's punch had landed with a resounding thud. "Who the hell are you?"
Logan stepped right into his face in a menacing stance. "I am Krissy's big brother and I am about teach you a lesson or two about messing with a Finkelstein." Darcy and Rory tried resolutely not to look at one another determined not to lose the battle with laughter. It was like being in the middle of a Jerry Springer show and clearly the rest of the crowd was equally entranced.
"What do you have to say for yourself man?" Logan asked the dazed Mark with a shove.
Mark finally found his voice again "I...I don't even know you people. I don't know your sister or this crazy blonde who claims she is my girlfriend. This is all just a huge mistake I swear.' He was shaking his head and backing away, clearly trying to get as far from the lunacy surrounding him as possible.
Logan wouldn't let him have an inch and stepped back threateningly into his personal space "You disgust me. Not only have you cruelly used my sweet innocent sister but you are a liar and coward on top of it and you are dressed like a fucking Pilgrim for god's sake, do you have no pride?" this got a gasp of shock form the crowd who seemed to be of mixed loyalty at the moment.
Mark clearly didn't see a great way out of this situation that didn't risk him being flayed alive by either this crazy bulldog or his parents. He stuttered as he looked at Rory and said the first thing that came to his mind "She doesn't look that innocent to me."
Those were fighting words. Logan grasped the front of the pilgrim costume and hauled his opponent up a good inch off the ground until their noses practically touched. He was just getting in to the role, playing the protective elder brother to the max now. "Surely you did not just insult my baby sister."
Mark's eyes bugged out of his head. "Ugh." was about all that came out.
"That's what I thought."
Logan looked up and saw the rest of the cheerleaders and a group of Harvard football players looming at the Mark's back. Logan released him in contempt and he stumbled back a few steps before regaining his balance. Logan gripped his hands behind his back and began to pace in front of him like a judge and jury trying to decide his sentence.
"Well, Mark, it seems we have ourselves a little problem here. In the name of family honor I am duty bound to beat you to a pulp" he gave him an assessing look "but its pretty clear that you wouldn't stand up long in hand to hand combat and I do so hate a quick ending to a fight like this. Plus" he waved magnanimously at the assembled Harvard athletes "I would hardly wish to reenact the nastier parts of West Side Story since we are slighlly out numbered." Rory hoped that Logan knew what he was doing because "slightly outnumbered" was the understatment of teh century and she really did not care to call mother from the Emergency Room after being tackled by a thre hundred pound football player.
Logan continued. "I think we should end this quickly so these nice fellows can get back to their little game." He stopped suddenly as if struck by a brilliant idea. The bulldog head covered his face but Rory had no doubt that his lips were curved in a sly smile. "I've got it. The perfect solution. It defends my sister's tarnished honor and it gives you at least a tiny chance at survival." he held out a hand to Mark and said in a grandiose tone " Mark, I challenge you to a duel."
