Yo! ...Wow. I can't believe how many of you like this. And here I've been told I'm not funny. Weird. Thank you to all readers so far! This is freaking insane guys!

Once the initial shock and confusion wore off, the bravest Gryffindors moved along the table to take a peek at the contents of the package, soon followed by the most curious members of the other three Houses.

The next few moments were filled with students running out of the Great Hall, gagging and retching. The less brave and curious were too apprehensive to go look too. That, or they already knew what the box contained and had no desire to see it first hand. *Cough*The Slytherins*Cough*

The professors were just plain horrified, not only at what their student had been sent, but also with what the Headmaster had just been accused of in that letter. Who had sent it anyway? It hadn't been signed. Though that voice had sounded quite eerie.

The twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes had vanished, as the cogs in his mind worked at full speed, trying to come up with a way to get out of this mess. ...Stupid Voldemort ruining all his best plans.

Ron Weasley, meanwhile, hadn't even noticed what had happened, too busy stuffing his face from the large plate of food that was placed right next to the box of severed fingers. ...It was probably a good thing there wasn't anything more in the box. The smell itself would have been absolutely vile.

Harry, however, was far too busy to pay any attention to what was happening around him. He was too focused on his owl "I'll trade you this slice of bacon for that finger."

Hedwig released a muffled hoot, that meant something along the lines of, "But the finger has more fat on it than the bacon!"

Harry certainly couldn't argue with that. ...Dammit. "Two slices?"

"Hoot."

"You can't have the whole plate, Hedwig! Three, then?"

"Hoot."

"Four?"

"Hooooot?"

"Five. I'm not going above that!"

"...Hoot hoot?"

Harry sighed in exasperation. "Alright, fine, five and a half."

"Hoot!" Dropping the finger that had once belonged to her master's cousin, she took up her five and a half slices of bacon in trade, and flew off cheerfully, leaving dozens staring after her in confusion. Today was a good day for Hedwig the owl.

Harry then stared into the box, his head cocked in confusion. "What the hell am I supposed to do with this?" he questioned in a mutter. He knew it wasn't showing, but he was genuinely shocked right now. He wasn't upset, as many no doubt believed he was, because he fucking hated the Dursleys.

And while he had never been particularly subtle about the abuse he had suffered, it was just really weird that Voldemort of all people had been the only adult to actually do something about it. He just...didn't know how to feel about that.

He was happy that the Dursleys were gone forever, of course. It was nothing less than they deserved, he thought mutinously. Still, Voldemort was Voldemort and didn't he always have ulterior motives? And then there was that letter he had sent to Dumbledore, and read out loud to the entire Hall.

Just what was he playing at?

"Hello Mr Dursley, Mrs Dursley, Mr Dursley," came a sudden voice from nearby. Luna had arrived, and she was peering into the package as dreamily as ever. She looked to Harry now, and smiled sweetly and innocently. "The Sniffle McWidgets warned me about their arrival. It's a good thing you didn't let Hedwig eat the fingers. They're infested with parasites!"

Harry just blinked. Having absolutely no idea what the girl was talking about, but completely used to it, he merely smiled and nodded, watching as she left the Hall, humming happily. He had only just turned, when Dumbledore approached, McGonagall and Snape following behind him, and Sirius, behind them.

What the heck had taken them so long!? Harry thought incredulously. One of their students had just received the severed remains of his relatives in the bloody post, obviously sent by the Dark Lord. It had been a good ten minutes since he had opened the box. What if the Dursleys' zombies had been in there instead!? He'd have become breakfast for the undead!

...Maybe he could be the first to start marketing zombie food for the inevitable zombie infestation. 'Brain brand zombie chow. Filling and grotesquely delicious! Healthy for the entire zombie clan, and all for the cheap price of not eating the rest of us!' Yeah, that sounded perfe-oh, wait.

Harry hadn't realized it, but Dumbledore was in the middle of a lecture or tangent or something or another. He hadn't heard a single word of it, too lost in his zombie related thoughts. McGonagall, Snape, and Sirius looked oddly uncomfortable though.

"-and that's why one should never mix lemon drops with vodka," Dumbledore finished sagely.

The teen blinked, green eyes displaying his confusion. "Riiight, yes, sir, I'll be sure to never mix the two." There was a beat of silence. "Sooo, are you going to do something about these fingers? They're quite traumatizing, you know? In more ways than one."

"Oh, yes, yes of course. I'll just-" The Headmaster flicked his wrist, and the box of fingers began to float between them. McGonagall looked quite sick, Sirius appeared rather alarmed, and Snape looked a fair bit paler than usual.

"Is it true?" questioned Sirius suddenly, shock quickly becoming anger. "Those fuckers abused my godson and you did nothing to stop it!? And-" he peered down at Harry. "Who did this again?"

"Voldemort," the teen supplied casually.

Sirius' head snapped back up. "And Voldemort of all people chose to help hi-wait, Voldemort?"

Once again, silence blanketed the Great Hall, everyone still there beginning to link things together now.

Harry Potter had been getting abused by his relatives. Dumbledore had known all about it. Voldemort had found out too, but instead of just sitting around, he had gone and killed the three abusers. And to top it all off, Voldemort had accused Dumbledore of allowing the students of the school to be abused in the first place.

...This was so surreal!

Who was in the wrong here? Dumbledore or Voldemort?

Dumbledore had always done what was best for them all, right? But, child abuse was really bad! And if Dumbledore knew it was happening to someone, but did nothing about it, then...that was just as bad, right? Voldemort took care of it, but then...did that make him...good?

Ugh, this was so confusing!

The students waited for the Headmaster to answer Professor Black, but he never did. Without a word, he just turned and left, whistling a jaunty tune while the box of severed fingers floated along before him.

Why hadn't he said anything? What hadn't he explained? He had had the perfect chance. Was he hiding something? Did he just not care what they thought? Even as they all began to turn to Harry for an answer of some sort, it was the redhead beside him who spoke, breaking the silence.

Ron's head snapped up so quickly it was surprising he didn't give himself whiplash. Blue eyes wide, he looked up and down Gryffindor Table in alarm, almost as if he were having a nightmare. "Where..."

"What?" Harry peered over in confusion, yanked out of his stupor. "Where what?" he said.

"Where...where the bloody hell is my bacon!?"

...Yeah. I don't even know where half of that came from. Looking forward to reviews! Laterz!