The beams of the limo headlights were bright snakes of illumination that slid sinuously over darkened buildings and empty streets lined with ice-laden trees. There was an eerie sense of calm that blanketed the snow muffled ghost town and made one think of choirs singing in hushed reverent tones and stars shining as they guided wise men to their destinations.
Hopefully these were men wise enough to steer their course far clear of the little Connecticut burg that lay so deceptively shrouded in docility that was a far cry from it's true nature of flamboyant turbulence.
Something was off. The scene was idyllic, beautiful, peaceful... and too damn quiet. Like the lull before a storm that made Goosebumps rise on Rory's forearms despite the toasty confines of the limo and the close proximity of Logan's warm skin. Rory pulled away from Logan's lingering lips with a regretful sigh as they rounded the last corner.
Thankfully all thoughts of holy nights, midnights clear and dancing sugar plum fairies were quickly dispelled by the screeched lyrics of the Beastie Boys that crashed through the stillness three blocks from the casa de Gilmore. Rory sighed in relief. Now that was more like it. A soundtrack suited to films of the collegiate debauchery Animal House genre was a much better fit than Tchaikovsky's Waltz of the Snowflakes. Stars Hollow without noise and chaos was like green eggs without ham. Just wrong.
When they rolled to a stop at the curb in front of the house and the car engine died Rory took a moment to survey the scene. She squared her shoulders and turned to Logan with a questioning look that clearly said, last chance to run "You sure you're ready for this?'
He smirked as only Logan Huntzberger could smirk "Tut tut now Ace this constant doubt is so tiresome. Need I remind you again of the motto?"
She shook her head as if she pitied him his naiveté "This is no ordinary den of wolves that you are stepping in to. After a dose of Stars Hollow you might be wishing for business lunches, ladies teas and black tie charity events."
Logan looked skeptical as he thought of his final destination this evening and how little appeal that insulated, plush world held for him at the moment. "I seriously doubt it." He gave her a toothy grin "They serve horrible coffee at those things and the conversation is enough to bore you into a coma."
"Being bored into a coma is one thing you'll never have to worry about around here. Now hypnotization is a different story, whatever you do, if Kirk pulls out a shiny coin, look the other way." Rory sighed as the door was opened and Frank stood with eyes discreetly unfocused at the entrance. "Just don't say I didn't warn you if you suddenly start making clucking like a chicken every time someone says the word toast."
"Toast?"
"Trust me on this one."
'Warning duly recorded."
With the door open the cacophony resonated even louder and Logan tone was sardonic. "I know I don't exactly have vast experience with interventions other than what I've seen on Lifetime movies of the week and expose stories about Courtney Love and Jerry Lee Lewis, but are you sure this is the right place? I think Betty Ford might confuse this intervention with an all night rave."
Rory shook her head in resigned agreement "I can't say I've been to a real intervention either except for one unfortunate incident that got Kirk banned from the cereal aisle for 3 months but I'm pretty sure that Betty Ford would never approve of an intervention thrown by this town, Sookie has an unnatural fondness for margaritas and Stars Hollow's resident party girls are no slouches when it comes to drunk revelry in the face of calamity even if they are in their fifties."
Logan nodded at the closed door of the garage "So, who do you think is in there, a band of terrorists or the after party for the entire cast of RENT?"
Rory rolled her eyes expressively "I'm betting half the North Atlantic Fleet knowing Miss Patty and Babette."
Logan's eyes grew wide in mock excitement and he clapped his hands together "Ah, the famous mavens of Stars Hollow...so I am allowed to meet them at last eh?'
"Be very careful what you wish for Huntzberger." Rory pushed him out the door and then scooted out after him. She grinned slyly at him as they stood and straightened their coats. "I hear that they like the witty one's best, something about the sharper the tongue..."
Logan sniffed diffidently "Leave the exaggerated threats to your mother Ace, you're just too sweet to be convincing."
She raised an eyebrow. "Sweet huh? We'll see what tune you're singing after I introduce you to the Madams... and I mean that in the most lurid way possible."
The rambunctious cacophony issuing from somewhere in the vicinity of the garage suddenly died into silence and to the outward eye all looked normal, quiet little small town Connecticut on a snowy winters night. Funny how chilling normalcy could seem when it was all out of context. She smiled a thank you at Frank and then bravely grabbed Logan by the hand and set off towards the garage. "Come on then Gulliver let's brave the Houyhnhnms shall we."
They made it nearly to the garage door before the music started again with crashing of cymbals that seemed a little too real to be coming out of a CD player and a series of screeched curses that sounded decidedly French and far from friendly. Rory winced and stopped dead in her tracks having just considered the sort of picture her little town was about to paint for Logan. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, introducing him to the town all in one fell swoop; they were generally less scary if you got them in small doses. They had only just dodged the I love you bullet, was she really stupid enough to hand over the gun to Stars Hollow et al and ask for mercy? It was akin to standing in front of a firing squad and expecting to only end up mostly dead. It was suicide. She turned to Logan with a pleading look "Okay, so this is probably about the time that Dr. Seuss takes over directing the evening's entertainment. Last chance to run."
Logan grinned "Don't worry Ace, I've never met a cat in a hat or a fox in socks that I didn't like..." his words were drowned out by the din created when the door to the garage suddenly flew open and a figure was silhouetted for a single moment against a garish back drop of pink and flashing silver before he was quite unceremoniously shoved out and the door half slammed behind him. Logan cast a laughing sideways glance at Rory although never quite taking his eyes off the spectacle before them "You didn't mention the disco ball... I could have brought my platform shoes."
Rory closed her eyes in resignation and amended her internal monologue closing statement... this was going to be very messy suicide... She spread her hands wide in a grandiose gesture "Welcome to Stars Hollow. The floor show will begin in..." she looked at her wristwatch and mentally calculated "five... four... three... two...one..."
The man in the hat was right on his cue and bellowed a wounded first chorus with much fist waving and teeth gnashing as he paced in front of the half open garage door.
"What will we do with the drunken sailor?
What will we do with the drunken sailor?
What will we do with the drunken sailor?
Earlye in the morning?
Put him in the scuppers with the hose pipe on him
Hoist him aboard with a running bowline
Put him in the brig until he's sober."
Logan's voice from behind Rory's shoulder barely carried over the shouted lyrics. "Okay, I'm guessing Pavarotti over there must be Kirk but what's with the hat? Doesn't exactly fit with Seussical the Musical or Saturday Night Fever."
She rolled her eyes expressively at him "You're enjoying this way too much."
"What's not to enjoy? I thought this was a party...uh er, I mean intervention."
Rory shot him an exasperated look but he just held up his hands to show his innocence and then turned her skillfully back to the solo performance in front of them. "What do you say we go meet the Mayor of Who-ville?"
Rory raised an eyebrow "Kirk the mayor? I think I would prefer Thidwick the Moose. By the way how did you know it was Kirk?"
"It was the only reasonable deduction based on my research to date."
"Research?"
"You'll read it all in my first best-selling book. " He ran his hand across the air as if reading imaginary words painted there "I'm thinking 'The Descent of Man into Lunacy' or maybe 'The Origin of Species Homo Kirkus'. The Galapagos has got nothing on your town when it comes to rare and strange new species.' He slung a friendly arm around her shoulder at her worried look "Don't worry Ace, I promise I'll change everyone's name so no one will know their real identities."
Rory just sighed "Better not change Miss Patty's she'd take it as an insult. She loves to see her name in print almost as much as she likes it in lights."
"Duly noted. Now I say we stop the audition and save ourselves." He pointed at Kirk who was revving up for a rousing second verse having now drawn what looked like a fire poker from his belt and begun brandishing it like a sword or a conductors baton in time to his song.
Rory sighed. "I'm thinking Darwin might rethink his whole theory on the evolution of man if he met Kirk."
Logan made a great show of searching his pockets for a pen "Can I quote you on that?"
Rory shook her head "You don't want to get in a tell all battle with me boat boy."
His eyes widened and he held up a hand for a time out.
She walked forward a few steps skillfully dodging the swinging fire poker and tapped Kirk on the shoulder.
Kirk spun quickly with a surprised look on his face and the fire poker held at the ready. "Jolly jack tar you nearly shivered me timbers and had me jumping ship. You shouldn't sneak up on a sailor like that or you're likely to be made to walk the plank."
Logan laughed. Rory frowned "Kirk it's freezing out here why aren't you in the garage with everyone else?"
Kirk puffed up his chest "I'm protesting. No seaman worth his salt can tolerate that falderal that's going on in that sad excuse for a ship and to think they'd prefer those banshees wailing to a good old-fashioned sea shanty. Rotten sailors every last one of them. They'll run aground in no time and then we'll see who they are calling three sheets to the wind." He harrumphed and glared back in the direction of the raucous garage where Madonna's 'Like a Virgin' had just replaced the Beastie Boys. "I've a good mind just to abandon ship and let them all end up on their way to Davy Jone's Locker."
Rory nodded solemnly trying to ignore Logan's barely contained snickers from behind her. She patted Kirk sympathetically on the shoulder opposite the half deflated parrot and tried for an understanding look. "That's probably what they deserve. Maybe you should just leave them to their fate."
Kirk sniffed with high affront "I've half a mind to. Set sail on my own, drink like a fish until I'm happy as a clam..." he trailed off as if contemplating this course of action.
"Sounds like a good plan." Rory said encouragingly.
"Have you ever met an unhappy clam?" Kirk looked thoughtful now as if puzzling over this question.
Logan swallowed a snort of laughter that got a dirty look from Rory who was getting exasperated and starting to lose feeling in her feet sunk in six inches of snow as they were. The result was a slightly waspish tone "Hello, not exactly the shellfish psychology expert here. Closest encounter I've had with a clam was the deep fried variety from Al's. Plus I'm in the anti-clam society since the whole tragedy with Cinnamon, you should know that."
Logan leaned over slightly "Who was...?"
"Babette and Morry's cat." Rory said out of the side of her mouth.
"And his demise had something to do with clams?"
Kirk nodded knowingly at the reference to the deceased cat "Right, right of course, how tactless of me, poor Cinnamon, Morry still can't look a clam in the eye without getting all weepy. He's a musician you know, they're very sensitive."
Logan raised an eyebrow and whispered another aside to Rory "Do clams have eyes?" Rory struggled to keep a straight face.
Kirk was back to his perplexing conundrum "But if a clam were unhappy... how would you know? What if all clams are really unhappy and in our misguided anthropocentricism we've just been assuming for all this time that they are happy go lucky creatures. I mean I'm not sure I'd be all that happy if all I got to do all day was filter water, talk about drowning in boredom... they don't even get to grow pearls like those showboats the oysters." He stared morosely off into the distance as if contemplating the sad existence of clams.
Rory put her hand on Logan's arm and tugged, pulling him away from Kirk and toward the garage. "What ever you do, don't look back unless you want to end up like Lot's wife." She said in a hiss.
"Turned to salt?" Logan asked curiously.
Rory nodded emphatically "And left behind. Pirate's code, those that stay behind get left behind."
Logan cocked a head back at an angle at the warbling Kirk. "Is Captain Kirk there drunk?"
Rory shrugged and walked resolutely onward "Impossible to tell."
They'd barely made it ten steps when a voice behind them had both Rory and Logan spinning back towards the front steps of the house as Lane came charging from the porch lamenting in a loud plaintive voice as she came "Thank god you're finally here. It's worse than Chinese water torture. Have you ever heard of such cruelty...? Mariah Carey and Def Leppard played back to back? I thought the right regime had gotten hold of it for a while, some good Beatles and the new Beck but then all hope was dashed... a coup, an uprising of the worst sort. My days are numbered, I can only hope that my minutes are numbered if they pull out Celine Dion." they heard another crash from within the garage that was followed by the start of a Duran Duran song. "My god my mother was right, the apocalypse is upon us and the evil rock music really is going to be the downfall of the world."
She gave Rory a hug "You better hug me now before I perish simply from being in the vicinity of such a travesty of music taste. Your mom is either depressed enough to be in a coma or dead, I haven't had the guts to go in and find out. I figured I need heavy backup to come out of there alive." She bit her bottom lip "Do we even have a SWAT team in Stars Hollow?"
Rory pointed at the center of the lawn where Kirk now sat singing '101 bottles of beer on the wall' in a low mournful bluesy voice. "You're looking at him."
Lane made a frightened face "It's like sending the pot in to tell the kettle it's black. We're doomed for sure."
Rory just laughed as Lane bounced back a step and then gave Logan a long up and down look before turning back to her friend with no perceptible pause in the flow of words "You're right he's definitely got the whole Cruel Intentions thing down."
Rory flushed red and Logan gave her an uncomprehending look complete with wrinkled brow. Rory tried to wave it off "I'll explain later."
Logan raised an eyebrow and then he looked pointedly at his watch "It's later now."
"Fine, Lane asked me to describe you so I told her you looked kind of like Ryan Philipe in Cruel Intentions although I never really like him in that movie and I don't actually think that you are as screwed up as he was although you do have a Porsche and..." She clamped her mouth shut "I'm just going to stop talking now."
Lane was watching them like a spectator at a tennis match with a great deal of amusement. Logan gave Lane his full bore teasing smirk and winked at her "You must be Lane. Does that mean that Ace here is the innocent girl I'm going to corrupt?"
Rory turned a shade redder if that was even possible and Lane just laughed "I like you already Burger Boy."
Rory recovered a bit and rolled her eyes "You've been talking to my mom haven't you?"
"Well she does refer to him constantly as Big Mac, I was just playing along with the game." Lane shrugged.
Rory sighed in exasperation "Yeah, only Big Mac doesn't actually refer to a burger, it stands for Master and Commander."
"Like the movie? Russell Crowe was totally hot in that..." Lane snapped her fingers "oh wait, I get it, because of the boat sinking in Fiji, of course. Pretty good." She said with an appreciative nod.
Logan leaned slightly towards Rory and said in a half whisper "Is there anything they don't know? My middle name, a list of child hood pets, social security number, code to my safe?"
"You have a safe?" Rory asked with playful interest.
Logan gritted his teeth "I'm trying to make a point here."
Rory shrugged as if matters were out of her control "I tried to warn you, it's a small town, what they lack in entertainment venues they make up for in gossip milling, it's practically the town trade."
Logan narrowed his eyes "Only one solution I can see, I'm definitely going to have to get you to wear that cheerleader's uniform again just to get them to stop talking about me."
"Not funny" Rory said with a glare.
"Gallows humor." He retorted.
Lane piped in with a perky smile "We haven't got the code to the safe yet if that makes you feel better. Although I think Kirk and his fancy DSL connection are working on that one. Squire Trelawney and Long John Silver, great names for cats by the way."
Rory snickered "Long John Silver? I'm assuming that isn't in reference to a fast food joint."
"Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum." Logan said in a defeated tone.
Rory hooted in triumph "Dr. Seuss and now Treasure Island, the blackmail material alone might make this night worthwhile."
Logan looked ready to retort but Lane interrupted. "Good news is we looked up your horoscope and it says that you are always up for a new challenge...we figure you've got pretty good odds with a Gilmore Girl as they never present a shortage of challenges."
Logan cocked his head considering "Good assessment, I think I'm going to like you very much Great Tune master."
Lane gave him an approving nod "Ah, the Worder Woman told you about our secret identities I see, she must really like you, not just any old mortal gets invited into our secret world of cheese houses and superhero alter egos."
Logan was laughing out loud by now "Houses made of cheese? I think you left that part out Ace."
"I was eight!" Rory enunciated with precision, arms crossed "Look batboy even superheroes have to eat and sleep we were just trying to kill two birds with one stone. Besides I like cheese."
Lane stopped her with a groan. "Please no more talk of cheese. I'm starving; there is nothing in our apartment that even resembles food at the moment... I'm beginning to having cravings for tofurkey and sprouted soy muffins."
Rory's eyes rounded "That is bad."
Lane nodded vehemently "Yeah. Bad, like I'm about to go on a suicide mission into that garage to find the Sookie snacks bad."
"Sookie snacks? Are those anything like Scooby snacks?" Logan said with a tilt of his left eyebrow.
Lane gritted her teeth and put her hand on the door. "Okay, cover me. I'm going in."
She was saved the effort as the door was pushed from the other side and the three of them stumbled backwards as the force of the din and a human being nearly knocked them flat in the snow.
"Hey kid and consort, it's about time you got here, you've missed the finger painting and the Broadway revue of Spamalot, don't worry though, the second act is about to start." Lorelai was clad in black sweat pants, yellow rubber boots and a purple jester hat all of which were splattered with pink paint. She was gesturing in wild swings with a dripping paintbrush in her right hand and at that precise moment looked deranged enough to need an intervention. She took a breath and nodded at Logan "Big Mac... welcome to the dark side, make yourself at home...intermission is almost over."
Logan had no time to answer as a squeak from the much accosted CD player had Lorelai spinning quickly back towards into the garage and waving her paint drenched weapon at Michel who was standing a few feet away with a haughty pinched look on his face despite the fact that his hair was streaked with the same grotesque shade of pink that seemed to have exploded from some particularly nasty bomb onto the garage walls.
Lorelai brandished the paintbrush like a gun cocked at the ready "Step away from the CD player Michel, I told you no more Roxette or it was going to mean war."
Michel's eyes narrowed and he stamped a work boot that looked like it was made of Italian leather "It is only fair, you tricked me into doing all the stencils, the least I should get for my trouble is the right to listen to my music."
Lorelai scoffed "We didn't trick you Michel, we practically had to barricade the door to keep you out and only gave in after you practically staged a protest complete with picket signs."
"I maintain that you are forcing me into hard labor against my will and therefore I should be allowed to choose the environment of my workplace, aren't there some sort of laws for that sort of thing, OPUS or ORCA or OPIE or something like that." Michel said sulkily.
Lorelai sighed "It's OSHA you dolt, not a whale or a cartoon penguin or a boy from a fifties TV show. Now get back to work before I am overtaken by the urge to paint you and your little doggies red just for spite."
Michel looked as if he were considering mutiny "You don't have any red paint."
"Well I'll go get some just for the occasion...fire engine red and then guess what, horror of horrors...you will clash." Lorelai said it with great relish and spun out the door again. She smiled triumphantly at her small audience before pointing at Logan and Lane and then back at Michel who was attempting to burn holes in her back with his bare eyes "You two, watch him will you while I go get some whore red paint. A few lights, some tinsel and its like Christmas came early and we get to decorate a Frenchman instead of a Christmas tree."
"I detest you." Michel's petulant voice followed her out of the garage.
She gave he collective audience a droll wink before she said in loud tones "Me thinks the lady doth protest too much."
"I heard that."
"You were meant to hear that my fine feathered friend." Then she got a wicked look in her eye and rubbed her hands together "oooh, feathers... that'll be the crowning touch...and he can be the angel on top of the tree."
She grabbed Rory's free arm and pulled "You come with me." She smiled unapologetically at Logan "Sorry lover boy, you're on your own. Girl talk. Just keep your back to the wall and your eyes on the emergency exits and you'll be fine."
Rory cast a helpless look back at Logan and Lane as she tripped after her mother.
Logan watched them go and then looked back at Lane who was still standing next to him watching him with keen eyes. She gave him a questioning look "Not many would blame you if you were thinking about bolting."
Logan held her gaze for a long measuring moment and then he smiled, the full force Logan Huntzberger smile "You underestimate my capability for insanity. It's okay, most people do."
Lane eyed him with a concerned look "Rory said you were a little crazy, she left out the suicidal kamikaze part."
He gestured at the scene in the garage "I've seen worse."
Lane raised an eloquent eyebrow but remained silent.
Logan put his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels "Yep, you ask me I'd rather be in a Mork and Mindy rerun any day than spend the evening at a pre communist revolution cocktail party run by Mitchum Huntzberger."
Lane shrugged "I don't think Mork and Mindy had a Miss Patty but hey, it's your ass on the line.' She had barely gotten the words out before Logan felt a warm body stop scant inches from the aforementioned body part. Lane's eyes widened just as a silky voice spoke into his left ear.
"Oh yes, and a mighty fine specimen it is too... you gotta give those Gilmore girls credit they do know how to pick their men."
The second voice came from his right "Must be something in the genes, it's uncanny how they manage to get all the best ones... and will you look at that? I could just take a bite out of this one."
Logan suddenly thought he knew exacted how the fox must feel when it was cornered by a pack of baying hounds hot in pursuit. He did the only thing he could in the situation, met the hunters face on and pretended that he didn't know he was already dead meat. "Hello ladies, Rory has told me so much about you." He let his most charming smile flow across his features and then winked at them "Of course she left out the part about your beauty and charm." He offered an arm to each of them with gallant aplomb. "Shall we venture into the wilds?"
"Oh to be young and foolish again.' Miss Patty said with happy sigh and then Logan was being led by both arms into the melee.
Lane trailed after the trio with a grin on her face and wondered if the townsfolk had already started the pool on how long this one would last in Babette and Miss Patty's clutches.
Lorelai pulled Rory all the way up to the porch and then collapsed onto the steps as if she could go no further, apparently completely unaware that she was sitting in a good six inches of frozen water. She patted the step next to her and looked up at Rory expectantly.
Rory gave her an exasperated look "You want me to sit in the freezing cold snow with you when there is a perfectly good couch twenty feet away in the nice warm house."
Lorelai blinked innocently "What you need an engraved invitation? Well okay, I'll have my personal assistant send it to you posthaste. Michel will love that." She looked up expectantly "Now what was that address again...101 Lovers Lane or maybe 42 Sappy Hollow Road?"
Rory rolled her eyes "If I sit down can we move on to another topic?"
Lorelai smiled triumphantly "My pleasure."
Rory grumbled but she sat. "You're cruel you know that. I just don't understand why can't we have this conversation in the house or even the garage where there are chairs and heat?"
"In case you haven't noticed the garage is filled with crazy people." Lorelai said in a matter of fact tone.
"And your point is?"
"Toxic fumes and men with paintbrushes and stencils. Besides I kind of wanted to have this conversation without having to shout over Kirk trying to sing the Ode to Grog over the Cher medley. Just for the record though, it's not my fault."
"The crazy people or the paint?" Rory asked with a half smile.
"Yes." Lorelai nodded emphatically.
'Going with the blanket denial."
"Always the smartest bet in this place."
Rory looked skeptical "And it's not your fault they are in there painting your empty garage such garishly insane colors that even Bozo the clown would cringe in horror?"
"Blame it on too much estrogen." Lorelai put on her best sulky face "Anyway, its not my fault the garage was empty in the first place, but thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject, while you're at it why not give me a paper cut and pour some lemon juice in it."
Rory glowered "It won't do you any good to quote Princess Bride, this is against the Geneva Conventions."
Lorelai pouted belligerently "Do I look like I care what those swanky Swiss guys say, about anything except chocolate? I'm above the law."
This raised an eyebrow "Oh really? Since when?"
Lorelai coughed haughtily "Since I adopted George W. as my role model."
"You've been drinking margaritas haven't you?" Rory's tone had turned suspicious.
"Don't know what you're talking about."
Rory crossed her arms and stared her mother down "You decided to become a Republican and you're sitting in half a foot of snow and appear to be completely oblivious to the fact that they are probably going to have to amputate your left butt cheek when the hypothermia sets in. sounds like margarita night to me."
Lorelai threw her hands up in surrender "Okay, I admit there may have been margaritas involved in the evening at some point but that's all you're getting out of me." Lorelai cast her eyes downward now "I understand if you don't want to stay out here with your inebriated, depressing has been of a mother. Leave me to my pain. I'm not fit company anyway. It's the end of an era kid. I'm an obsolete dinosaur. I'm Norma Desmond, I'm Monica Lewinsky, I'm the Commodore 64, I'm Dexy's Midnight Runners after Come on Eileen. I'm Pac Man that's who I am and my ghost eating days are all used up, I haven't got any lives left."
"You're not an out of date video game, you're the Unsinkable Molly Brown. Anyway, I'm not going to leave you out here moping. I would never live that down, it would go right below kicking puppies on the list of all time most evil activities. It would probably be on Saint Peter's list when I showed up at the pearly gates... abandoning one's mother in her time of pathetic mourning."
Lorelai stuck out her bottom lip in blatant contradiction to her next words. "Hey I said inebriated and depressing, I never said pathetic. Although I have to say I have gotten quite good at puppy dog eyes, I think that if I were to come back as a dog I would be the spaghetti eating kind."
"I don't think that dogs actually eat spaghetti."
"Lady did." Lorelai said with conviction.
"You do know that Lady and the Tramp were actually cartoon characters right?"
Lorelai sniffed "Maybe in your world. I prefer to believe in magic and talking dogs if it's all the same to you."
"You win let's get this over with while I still have feeling in my legs okay."
Lorelai clapped her hands together happily "Yeah, I win. Okay kid, spill, what is Logan doing here and what's with the Maria face? You look like you're going to break out singing 'I Feel Pretty' any second."
Rory gave her an exasperated look "I don't feel pretty. I feel like the Abominable Snowman."
"Uh Huh." Lorelai gave her a knowing look.
'How come we have to be the Sharks?" Rory asked in an attempt to change the subject.
Lorelai looked nonplussed by the question "You'd rather be a Jet and go around singing silly lines like 'when you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way, from your first cigarette to your last dying day?"
"I always liked that song." Rory said in a defensive tone.
Lorelai shook her head resolutely "Nope, doesn't matter, no matter how much eyeliner you use you just don't look like Richard Beymer, besides Natalie Wood was much prettier."
"You're irritating." Rory retorted with a huff.
"You're stalling."
This garnered another eye roll "Gee Officer Krupke I didn't know there was a time limit."
"Sure, International Interrogation Rule book says the interrogator may award time penalties to the interrogated in cases of blatant stalling and subject changes. Extra ten seconds lost for ridiculous references."
Rory gasped "Ridiculous references? I'm not the one who brought up West Side Story."
Lorelai held up her finger to make a correction "True but obviously I would never play Officer Krupke. I'm just too pretty."
"Back to the pretty thing again. I don't know mom I'm a little worried about you with this whole inferiority complex thing." Rory tried for a concerned face.
"Just stating the facts ma'am, nothing but the facts."
"Wrong Officer." Rory said wryly.
"Touché." Lorelai pointed a finger at her daughter "So if you're finished with the mentally doing the limbo can we get back to the subject?"
Rory paused "Okay, but first I get to ask you a question since you are the woman of the hour and you've forced me to lose all feeling in by feet."
"Fair enough." Lorelai waved a hand in supplication "Go ahead, shoot...but if you ask me if I'm okay then you'd better be doing it with a bazooka."
"How are you mom...and the answer can not contain the word okay?"
Lorelai groaned before the words had hardly left Rory's mouth "Fine. I'm fine, I swear, I'm going to have a big lapel pin made that says that in huge letters and spits water at the person who asked the question or maybe I'll get one of those giant two sided boards that they make poor minimum wage workers wear to advertise sandwiches, it would save me a lot of time and headaches. Or better yet maybe I should just splurge and by myself a billboard. How do you think I would look in pink sequins?"
Rory just looked at her unwilling to break eye contact. Lorelai finally sighed and slumped back against the step in defeat. "Okay, okay, I'm not fine. Not even I believe my own lies anymore. It's an ugly state of things when you can't even lie to yourself convincingly."
Rory looked pleased with herself "Good, now we are getting somewhere."
"Or nowhere. Welcome to my world. How nice you've come to visit me in my sad little vacuum of space and time. Meet the neighbors." Lorelai gestured in front of her as if pointing out people "There's matter and antimatter, they make a very nice couple although if you ask me antimatter seems awfully fond of that quark guy, but you know me, I try never to get in the middle of things like that. Hear no evil, see no evil I always say." She laid her head back onto the top step behind her and said in an idle tone "Have I ever told you that I hate space?"
Rory's brow furrowed "As an entity?"
"More like a concept, as in the thing that separates two people with it's vast emptiness. It is the final frontier, just like they say, the final frontier of loneliness." Lorelai's tone had turned morose.
Rory tried for a lighthearted comment "If it helps any I hear that Luke's coffee has been sucking for weeks."
Lorelai rolled her head to the side and opened one eye "You're not just saying that to cheer me up?"
"Mom." Rory admonished, "You don't really want Luke to be unhappy and making bad coffee do you?"
"Maybe just a little... I mean if I can't enjoy it then why should everyone else be able to?" Lorelai peaked up at Rory and got a raised eyebrow I'm not buying the line kind of look "Okay no, of course not, I want him to be happy, of course I want him to make good coffee and keep the earth on its axis. I just don't want him to be deliriously content or shout it from the rafters my life is great with out Lorelai kind of happy...so I'm a horrible person, tell me something I don't know."
Rory shook her head "You're not a horrible person mom, you're just upset and lonely and you are exhibiting the classic signs of grief, you're only human so it's natural to grieve when you lose someone you love."
Lorelai opened the other eye in a show of skepticism "Hey Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, did you go and become a psych major when I wasn't looking or have you just been reading On Death and Dying again?"
Rory let her lips quirk in a smile "Neither...I've been hanging out with Finn though."
Lorelai's brow lifted "That seems like it would be... instructional. So where do you figure I am in these stages of your?"
Rory gnawed on her bottom lip deep in thought "Well the way I figure it you've already made it past denial and anger...I'm not sure if you're in bargaining stage or the depressions stage. Been offering up any precious possessions lately?'
Lorelai narrowed her eyes in thought "Well I did off the Kirk my first born child for a cup of Luke's coffee the other day...does that count?'
Rory gasped in mock hurt "Hey, I'm your first born child... wait, I'm only worth a cup? I should be at least a pot...now I'm insulted and I'm not even going to think about that fact that you bartered me to Kirk...that my friend is the stuff of nightmares."
Lorelai spoke quickly in her own defense "I was desperate, wasn't thinking clearly, you're right I should have held out for a pot."
"So now that we've eliminated okay and fine, how are you really mom?"
Lorelai lifted herself up off the step far enough to give a little shrug "Oh you know me... take a licking and keep on ticking."
"Now you're a Timex watch?"
"To coin a phrase."
"Great, well since you're busy ticking and coining phrases I'll tell you my news."
Lorelai gave her a suspicious look "That was almost too easy, you only made me beg for fifteen minutes. I haven't even pulled out my Star Trek references. Must not be a very good story."
"Let's keep the beam me up Scotty comments for another day shall we, I promise it's a good story." Rory paused and glanced at the garage door where she had last seen Logan, her eyes were glowing by the time she looked at Lorelai again and she spoke in a near whisper as if saying it aloud might somehow jinx it "I did it mom. I said I love you."
Lorelai's mouth quirked in a smile but she played dumb "Did you say this to anyone in particular or was this a general sentiment?"
Rory rolled her eyes "Logan, I told Logan I love him."
"What did he say?"
Rory gave her a surprised look "You're not going to ask me if I do love him?"
Lorelai shrugged "You do. I can tell by the way your eyes light up and you smile like Lloyd In Dumb and Dumber. You can practically see the little hearts and birdies circling around your head. Pretty soon I'm going to have to follow you around with a fly swatter."
Rory frowned "Which one was Lloyd, dumb or dumber?"
Lorelai waved a hand "Don't dwell, I've had one too many margaritas to think carefully about details, okay, I'm trying to be Barbara Streisand here and you're really not playing along."
"Barbara in Hello Dolly?"
"I was thinking more Meet the Fockers."
Rory looked worried "Okay, I get the cool mom part but please tell me this isn't about to veer into some sort of weird sex therapist discussion?"
Lorelai sighed in exasperation "Look Siskel give the commentary a rest and let's get back to the subject okay." She went with a deliberately light tone "So, what did Mac say to this revelation? Should I be picking out wedding cake? You know that's my favorite part."
Rory shrugged nonchalantly and her tone was neutral as if simply discussing the weather or a nice sandwich she had for lunch "Nothing."
Lorelai raised an eyebrow "Nothing? Nothing? He said nothing? You said I love you and he said nothing?
Rory frowned "You practicing to be a parrot on Kirk's pirate ship?
"Just making sure I have my facts straight in my defense at the trial and I retract my former comment about wedding cake. We'll make it a funeral cake for after I kill the upstart whelp."
Rory shook her head "Mom. It's fine. I'm not upset about it."
"You're not upset about it?" Lorelai parroted again.
"Nope." Rory shook her head still smiling. "I'm fine. We're fine. Really. I feel..." She trailed off as she looked over towards the sky as if looking for the right word "Happy. Logan makes me happy."
Lorelai felt a little pang in her chest as her daughter's luminous eyes met hers again and she believed. For that instant she believed in everything that her daughter felt at that moment, she believed in true love and happily ever after and fairytale princes. Too bad she knew better.
Rory suddenly shot up from her seat with a panicked expression as if something had just dawned on her "Logan. Oh my god, Logan, I totally abandoned him to the wolves in there and here I am out here jabbering away about Jets and Sharks and who knows what they've done to him by now..." she looked at Lorelai with wide eyed fear.
Lorelai patted her on the hand "Go save your prince Hun. We'll talk later."
Rory took two steps forward before Lorelai's voice stopped her and she looked back at her mom "Rory, I'm happy, that you're happy."
Rory smiled and felt her shoulders relax "Good." Then she was off like a shot towards the garage and Lorelai watched her for a second with a wistful expression.
She looked past her daughter to the other figures silhouetted in various poses inside the garage and spilling out onto the lawn. A bizarre assortment of characters that had joined together to help her rebuild, redecorate, start over yet again and she wondered how many times this scene would play out in the future, how many of these people would be here next time she crashed and burned helping put the pieces back together. She felt like she was sitting in a whirl a tilt watching the world go by and she was in the center never moving, always stationary. Her little girl was growing up, she was in love, Sookie was married with a family of her own and another baby on the way, even Kirk even had a girlfriend, all around her the world was changing and she was the only one not changing with it.
All around her dreams of all shapes and sizes were coming true while hers were in unrecognizable tatters. She sighed and let her head fall to her knees with a groan.
It was a low lilting voice next to her that brought her out of her reverie. "Penny for your thoughts."
Lorelai lifted her head and met Miss Patty's wise eyes figuring she was as good a love guru as any "I'll give you a thousand pennies for the answer to this one. Do you think that dreams really can come true?"
Miss Patty raised a well-shaped eyebrow in response and leaned against the porch rail "Ten bucks isn't much for the secrets of the world."
Lorelai gave a little shrug "What can I say, I'm a cynic."
Miss Patty nodded and pointed a finger at her "And that my dear is exactly your problem. In my experience dreams come true all the time but all those happy ever afters might be right there staring you in the face and you'll never see them if you don't believe."
Lorelai winced as the words hit home "Ouch. So it's that easy huh, right there for the taking and I'm just too stupid to see it?"
Miss Patty raised an eyebrow "Not stupid just blinded by stubbornness and guilt."
"Guilt? I don't get it Patty, what would I have to feel guilty for?" Lorelai said with a confused look.
"Being happy."
"Why would I feel guilty for that?" Lorelai was thoroughly unsettled now by the train of this conversation.
Miss Patty shrugged smoothly "If I knew the answer to that I could have saved you a lot of heart ache over the years. I don't know why it is, all I know is what I see."
There was a long silence as Lorelai weighed her thoughts carefully trying to siphon them into the right words. Was Miss Patty right? Did she really feel guilty about wanting to be happy? Her words when they came were softer than usual but filled with conviction. "What if I don't know how to be happy? I don't want to hurt him Patty."
"So don't. Chose another way."
Lorelai shook her head at the matter of fact tone, as if it were really as simple as that. "But..."
"This is my substitute for pistol and ball. With a philosophical flourish Cato throws himself upon his sword; I quietly take to the ship." Miss Patty spoke in rich flowing tones.
"Very impressive." Lorelai said with a look of surprise.
"Moby Dick." Miss Patty smiled "Summer Theater 1967, I was in love with the man who played the whale. Unfortunately he was more interested in Captain Ahab."
"They had a man play the whale?" Lorelai asked with a curious look.
"It was the 60's. You should have seen the poor guys who had to throw the cannonballs off the ship during the battle scenes... incredible upper body strength." Miss Patty spoke in warm nostalgic tones.
"Right."
"So what's it going to be Lorelai. You going to go catch that dream of yours/"
"Call me Ishmael." Lorelai said with vehemence as she pushed herself up and stood resolutely. She turned and gave Miss Patty a spontaneous hug. "Thanks Patty."
Miss Patty spied movement behind Lorelai's shoulder and cleared her throat purposefully before she smiled at the new comer. "Hello gorgeous, glad you could make it."
There was an uncomfortable cough behind Lorelai before she spun and came face to face with her very own fairytale prince. She stared at the apparition in front of her. "Luke?" It wasn't really a question.
Luke having been stopped quite effectively by the wall of sound and flashing lights coming from the direction of the garage looked at her in a dazed sort of way. "Lorelai?"
There was a painful silence as they stared at each other. Miss Patty for once in the right place at the right time wisely remained mute until Lorelai finally broke the staring contest. "Luke, what are you...?"
Luke blinked like a man coming out of a trance and then abruptly thrust out his right hand holding a flat round package. "Pie." He said as if this explained everything.
Now it was Lorelai's turn to blink and try to make sense of this nonsensical transition. "What?"
Luke shook his package at her "Pie. I brought pie. Sookie wanted me to bring pie, it had something to do with painting a whale and avoiding naked British men and well I don't want you to sell the Dragonfly so I brought pie." He looked as confused by this speech as the rest of his audience which had now grown considerable but he pushed the now identified pie plate at her again resolutely as if it were his mission in life to simply exchange possession of this dessert.
Lorelai's fingers clasped the edges automatically but she was still staring at him with complete confusion painted in wide eyes and knitted brows across her face. "Sell the who and paint the what?"
Luke now looked desperate and panicked as if he had only just realized where he was standing and who he was talking to as the entire town looked on from their five dollar seats at the garage doors. "Just take the pie. Sorry to interrupt you party. I have to go."
"But..." the words fell on deaf ears and Lorelai grasped the pie quickly mostly to keep it from hitting the ground when Luke spun on his heel and stalked back towards the street.
Players and audience alike seemed glued in place for a second as Luke disappeared from sight. Lorelai sucked in a deep breath and laughed a little shakily as she looked down at the dish in her hands. Her voice was barely above a breathy whisper "I didn't even ask what kind it is."
Miss Patty couldn't think of anything better to do so she lifted the edge of the tin foil covering the dish and peered inside. "Pumpkin.' She announced decisively.
Lorelai' s eyes rounded and still looking dazed she whispered it to herself as if this were some sort of revelation. "Pumpkin." Then she looked up at Miss Patty with shining eyes "Pumpkin. He brought me pumpkin pie."
Babette now at Miss Patty's elbow nodded her agreement "Good choice. Very seasonal."
Lorelai shook her head wildly and her face suddenly broke out into a wide smile "No, don't you get it? He brought me pumpkin pie. Don't you see what this means?"
Babette gave her a strange look just as Sookie and Rory approached with worried looks on their faces. Sookie was the first to speak in an anxious voice. "What is it Lorelai? What did he say? Did he bring the pie?"
"Pumpkin." Lorelai said, gesturing with the pastry in question. Then her eyes narrowed "Wait, did you tell him to bring pumpkin Sookie?"
Sookie frowned and looked slightly annoyed "No. No I didn't, in fact I explicitly asked him to bring apple pie because Jackson was being a pill about the new Granny Smith crop and wouldn't give me any to make the pie myself and..."
There was a panicked excitement in Lorelai's voice now "So he came up with pumpkin all on his own?" Sookie just shrugged and then nearly got trampled as Lorelai shoved the pie into her hands and took off across the lawn.
"Where are you going Lorelai?" Sookie called after her in confusion.
"I have to see a man about a boat." Lorelai's words trailed after her as she too vanished around the side of the house towards the street. "Just save me some pie."
Sookie was duly congratulated for a successful intervention and they gaggle of women quickly retired back to the garage while Rory remained standing next to the steps with a contemplative look on her face.
Logan joined her a few seconds later with a backwards glance at the three gabbing ladies. "Your mom okay?" he asked in a concerned tone. "I think I just heard them mention something about being turned into a pumpkin."
"Pumpkin pie." Rory said with a smile that widened, as she looked back in the direction her mother had vanished. "They were talking about pumpkin pie." She started to giggle.
Logan waited a beat for her to finish the thought and then prodded a little more "Care to explain the joke?"
Rory grinned, "It's more of a happy ending to a very very long story. You see the first Thanksgiving that we lived in Stars Hollow was kind of rough on my mom because she got in this huge fight with my grandparents right before the holidays and we boycotted the family holiday stuff and decided to have our own thanksgiving here in Stars Hollow. My mom was out of sorts and Luke was crabby because he hates holidays and all the silly traditions and decorations and especially the 'fake pilgrim food' as he always calls it mid-rant. So he and my mom got into this huge argument about pumpkin pie because the one thing that my mom absolutely loves about holidays is always the dessert and pumpkin pie is one of her favorites. So she is waxing poetic about the nostalgia of pumpkin pie and whip cream and Luke is ranting about how the Native Americans who were the real first pilgrims didn't even have pumpkins and it's insulting to their memory that we even celebrate this joke of a holiday that celebrates their mass slaughter as a culture and he is really warming up to his topic when my mom just looks at him. Pins him with this stare and smiles and says with a totally straight face "I think that pumpkin pie is the most romantic dessert there is, I would rather have pumpkin pie than diamonds or roses.'"
Logan laughed, "So you come by your strange, dessert is romantic theory, honestly?"
Rory nodded but continued her story "Luke of course thinks this is the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard and launches into a lengthy diatribe about all the reasons that pumpkin pie is the least romantic dessert, not to mention the least patriotic and most politically incorrect. For the next ten minutes or so my mom sits there with an absolutely serene expression until finally Luke has finally run out of creative insults to the squash family she looks him straight in the eye and says without batting an eyelash 'Someday the man I love will make me a pumpkin pie and that's the guy I'm going to marry."
Logan rolled his eyes, "Let me guess... Luke made her pumpkin pie?"
Rory shook her head thoroughly enjoying the story now "Nope. Never actually. Every year for over a decade they've had the same argument with varied rants of course, I think he spends most of the year coming up with new ones actually, and every year he makes every other type of pie known to man, rum raisin, pecan, apple, persimmon toffee, one year he even made a chocolate treacle tart but never pumpkin pie... until now. It's a sign."
Logan looked slightly impressed by this tale, "So, now what?"
Rory thought for a moment and then shrugged "Now we wait to see if pumpkin pie will save the day."
