Chapter Three: Oblivious Lesbians of Beverly Hills
Rehearsal was interesting. Azula liked the look on Ty Lee's face when she proved that she could get a boy too. Even if that boy is Hahn. She now sits in her father's ice cold office, breathing in the scent of air conditioning and sharp cologne. He is in a meeting. He has been in a meeting for two hours and Azula has finished all of her homework and made two study guides for upcoming exams.
Now she is forced to face the fact that she needs to figure out how to ask her father about going out with a boy when he walks into his office and forces a phone into her hand before she can even open her mouth. He says nothing, just leaves her still sitting on the sofa outside.
"Hello?" she asks politely, swallowing her frustration.
"I was about to hang up; it was so quiet that I thought the connection was lost. I assume your father answered," exasperatedly says a woman.
Azula has never hated Ozai Shinohai more than she does at this moment. Here she is, dealing with more than enough, and he forces her to talk to her mother.
"What do you need?" Azula coldly asks.
"To talk to your father," says the worst woman in the Universe.
"I do too. He's apparently busy," Azula replies.
"Of course he is; that is why I divorced him."
"Tell me what you want. I will pass it on to him."
"Zuko is halfway to LA," mother says, "and I'm assuming you have no idea."
That startles Azula. She certainly wasn't expecting that. "Why?"
"To stay with you, as planned by me and your father and, I'm sure, filed somewhere underneath much more important—"
"Can I ask you for something?" Azula remorselessly interrupts.
Silence. "Of course."
"Can I go out with a boy?" She didn't anticipate that that would be so difficult to say.
Mother says as if it is obvious, "Yes. You're sixteen, which is too old for a first boyfriend in my opinion." Pause. "But I thought you were with that girl."
"What girl?" Azula hisses.
"The not-goth-one. I've seen her on your Facebook and you two always seemed… like a couple? You went to homecoming together and leave flirtatious messages and your relationship status is marrie—"
"I am not dating Ty Lee!" Azula swallows and hopes she does not protest too much. The flirtatiousness is all on Ty Lee; Azula is not the type of person who posts cutsey love notes anywhere. "So, I am completely allowed by you to go to the movies with a boy from the Ballet Academy?"
"I said yes. Did you forget to record my answer?" Ursa sighs.
"No. Just clarifying. I'll find a way to pick up Zuko from the airport."
"I didn't tell you when or where he's—"
Click.
[X]
Azula does not bother mentioning Zuko to Ozai until they are halfway home. Her father is driving in a car that he tells her not to touch, even while sitting in it.
She launches cavalierly into, "So, Zuko is somewhere in the city. Mother sent him and said you knew."
"I guess I forgot." His tone reveals that he didn't. Of course. "But he is a seventeen-year-old boy, and can find his own way home."
Azula shakes her head in disbelief. But, lo and behold, when they walk into their home, Zuko's shoes and two bags are inside. Two bags; Azula cannot handle a prolonged stay. She is developing a migraine as she and father walk to the kitchen.
"I told you he was a seventeen-year-old boy and could find his own way home," Ozai remarks as he looks at his son, whom is sitting at the bar with a bowl cereal. "Who let you in?"
"I know the code. It's Azula's name and birthday. Like your Amazon password. Or your Netflix password. Probably your work password too, I mean, it's not like hacking the Pentagon with you," Zuko says with his mouth full.
Azula knows he is only doing that to piss of their father. This week will be so joyous for Azula. Ugh.
"I'll be in my room," until Zuko leaves forever.
She flops down on her bed and tries to sleep despite the ferocious sunlight pouring in from her window.
[X]
After school, Azula has yet to change out of her uniform as she tries to best her brother at basketball. They play outside on the driveway like they did when they were children, but their rivalry has only increased.
"You are not good at basketball," Zuko declares with a smug laugh.
Azula wonders if strangling him is against the rules of this stupid sport. It is cold out – for LA at least – and boring, and Azula is about to poke a hole through the ball with her fingernails. She doesn't know why she agreed to do this.
Oh, right, to prevent he and father from getting into a fist fight.
She should be sainted.
"I could be good if you weren't obviously cheating." Azula pauses and sighs as he tosses the basketball directly through the net. "However, I am very happy for you. Being halfway decent at a single sport is leaps and bounds from where you once were."
Zuko loudly protests, "I was good at stuff, but the minute you showed any promise, you got all of the resources."
"Such hard feelings for no reason." Azula finally punches the ball out of his hand and watches it roll out into the street. "Cheer up; you have Uncle now to pay for your basketball lessons and post-game pizza. He's apparently so much better than our father. Although, I am curious as to why you're here instead of at school and with your mommy."
"Our mommy. And it's none of your business," Zuko bitterly says.
Azula thinks she may have touched a nerve. Much more fun than basketball. "You don't think father will ask?"
"I actually don't think he cares," Zuko says, and he does have a point.
"Hm." Azula shrugs and starts to turn away.
It doesn't take long for Zuko to call after her, "If I tell you, you can't tell him."
"Well, I have no idea why you would ever believe my promise, but sure." Azula does not know yet. If it is something hysterical that she could use against him, well…
He is setting himself up for blackmail. It's so trusting.
"I got suspended from school." Not trusting, she now realizes; he wants her to think he's a badass.
Azula can't help but cackle. "How?"
"I punched a guy out."
That she further didn't expect. "Was he mean to you?"
"Yes. Then he was being creepy to this girl and I just… knocked a few of his teeth out. Not vital teeth or anything."
"Not vital teeth?" Azula smirks. "I didn't think you had it in you. I'd imagine if someone was hurting your feelings you would just tattle to your mommy."
Zuko squints at her. "I have never met someone so obsessed with her mother. Are you jealous or something?"
Azula takes two steps forward as visions of violence dance through her head. "I hope you don't like your vital teeth."
But she doesn't attack.
Zuko waves his hand carelessly. "Ugh. Fine. I'm going to go get the ball."
"I hope you get hit by a car," Azula murmurs.
And up, over the white picket fence, a teenage girl is peering through bubblegum pink curtains with her phone pressed between her shoulder and ear.
"Mai, Mai, Mai," Ty Lee screeches into the phone the minute Mai picks up.
"What?" Mai asks, trying and failing to save her eardrums.
"Zuko is outside with Azula. They're playing basketball."
"God, you're a creep. Wait – how did anyone get her to play basketball?" Mai sits up in her bed.
"I don't know. But Zuko. You like Zuko!" Ty Lee is bouncing from excitement. Rehearsal had been so terrible before this happened.
"I like sleeping, which I was doing before you called me."
"He's hot." Ty Lee giggles. "He's not wearing a shirt, Mai. Mai you have to get up and look."
"I'm not spying on Azula. You can keep your weird girl-next-door obsession to yourself."
"But you could be with the boy-next-door," Ty Lee sings.
"No."
Mai hangs up before Ty Lee can do anymore damage to her peaceful nap.
[X]
Ty Lee sips Starbucks seductively as she tries to navigate her locker. How does it get so packed? Azula comes up and her heart starts to go too fast. She drops her binders. She drops her iPhone. Its case cracks and paper fortune cookie strips burst out like confetti.
Azula stares at the floor as Ty Lee falls onto her knees to pick up the slips of folded up paper. Of course Azula does not offer to help.
"I had no idea you still did that," Azula remarks, remembering the time when Ty Lee's old phone fell and the battery popped out, revealing the fortune cookie fortunes within. "Give me one."
Azula holds out a hand and Ty Lee hands her a white slip. Azula nimbly unfolds it and laughs.
"You would prosper in the field of medical research," she reads with a smirk. "I don't think this one is very accurate."
Ty Lee scowls. "Yeah, well, the Aries horoscope for this week says you're going to lose a close friend."
Azula cackles. "Horoscopes aren't real," she says for the thousandth time. She does think it is kind of cute that Ty Lee believes in that hokey nonsense.
Ty Lee crosses her arms and smugly states, "Gemini last week was right on the money. It said I was going to learn hot new gossip. And Virgo said that an old crush would come back into their life."
Azula sighs and smashes her head back on the metal. "You're referring to my brother. Your horoscope didn't predict that."
A smile sneaks onto Ty Lee's fruit punch flavored lips. "Yeah it did. Mai's old crush, my hot new gossip."
"I'm not going to explain why those aren't real again. Yes, my brother is staying with me for reasons that I cannot comprehend. There's more to the story than what he told to me, but I don't feel the need to find out." Azula glares.
Ty Lee changes the subject to save herself from the copious mommy and Zuko issues. "Did you do that stupid assignment for English Lit?"
"About our future hopes and dreams?" Azula twists open her locker. "I do all of my homework and that was a free A since over half of the class is failing."
Not a free A for Ty Lee. "Will you make up hopes and dreams for me? My own don't really sound so good on paper."
"What are they?" Azula thinks she will make Ty Lee an aspiring astrology hotline scammer.
"You know how much I'd like to be a professional gold digger," Ty Lee muses and Azula is fairly certain that she is serious. "It's a lucrative business, and I think I'm hot enough for it."
"Well, when we were in middle school we promised that if we weren't married by thirty we would marry each other. So, there is a chance for you." Azula smirks when Ty Lee scowls and slams her locker shut.
"Don't be mean," she mutters.
"I will be as mean as I like to be," Azula states, mockingly batting her eyelashes.
"I hope your first date ever is terrible."
"Well, ouch, you've hurt my feelings. I don't care about the date. He means nothing to me."
Ty Lee's hopes soar even though she knows they will come crashing down.
Chapter Three: Extreme Hoarders in Tiaras
The minute Mai walks into Ty Lee's apartment, she starts backing out of it. "No. No. No. No. Oh God, no."
It is the most nightmarish scene imaginable. Mai has never seen something so frightening before in her life.
Ozai's lips twitch and he says, "You love Extreme Hoarders, Mai. Help this poor girl burn all of her belongings because there is no way I am allowing any of this into my daughter's home."
"No!" Ty Lee shrieks.
"Burning things sounds good, but you know what sounds bad? Taking Ty Lee to go buy replacements for all of this. She is the worst hoarder and shopaholic I have ever met; that's why Uncle wants her to marry into us so much."
"Do you have sterile gloves?" Mai asks as she examines an entire box of assorted hairdryers. "I'm not touching any of this. It all smells like fruity deodorant."
Ty Lee pouts. "This is our family friendly activity. Azula suggested it."
Mai glares at her best—former—best friend. It was not her decision to come to this disgusting, snowy city in order to brutally test Ty Lee's adequacy. She hates everyone.
"I did. Father, you can help Bunny throw out half of her belongings. Maybe he'd like to hear about your toys," Azula says and Bunny beams. Ozai's expression is so satisfying. "Mai, Ty Lee, come help me find Ty Lee's necessities to help her move in."
"You don't have to bark at us," Mai mutters to herself as she enters the obstacle course Ty Lee calls home.
[X]
"No, but, here's my pitch, okay?" Mai begins as she pretends to be sorting through another bin of sequined skirts. Ty Lee's bedroom is the worst place she has ever been in before. "Do you like Extreme Hoarders? Do you like Keeping Up with the Kardashians? Love Game of Thrones? Watch… and I have no title. I thought about the $hinohai lyfe with a dollar sign and Y but it doesn't do it for me."
"That sounds horrible," Azula icily comments. She will be on a show called the $hinohai lyfe when the sun rises in the west.
"Yeah, so does every reality television show in history. Like evidently Toddlers & Tiaras which I will now add to the list. Has Bunny ever worn this?" Mai holds up a small, pink, glittery skirt.
"That's mine." Ty Lee snatches it away.
"I should have known," Mai says with an exasperated sigh.
"Oh my God!" Ty Lee squeals and Azula narrows her eyes. "It's a photo album! I bet you're both in it!"
Mai is the one who dares to ask, "When exactly is it from?"
Ty Lee opens to the first page and runs her fake nail along the years scrawled in pink calligraphy pen. "Oh, our freshman year! I think I have our sophomore year somewhere here too."
"I'm sure you have Atlantis somewhere here…" Mai mutters and Azula gives her a warning glance that is ignored.
Ty Lee opens to page one, and, lo and behold, it's the three girls on the last day of summer. They are posed at the Bozeman airport.
"Oh, how did we ever become friends?" Ty Lee wonders aloud as she studies the motley crew they were. "We're so different!"
In the photograph, Ty Lee is wearing a pink track suit with a lighter pink crop top and has a long braid of hair that had only been trimmed for her entire life. Her huge, tacky earrings are visible from outer space. Mai clearly shopped nowhere but Hot Topic and is in the phase when she wore baby powder on her face – as if she needed to be paler – while utterly refusing to smile. She did have braces at the time, Azula recalls. Azula is in her 60's Mod phase, which she has never been proud of. A girl in the late 2000's should not have kept a bouffant.
"Azula, you look like a James Bond femme fatale instead of Dame Judy Dench," Mai says, pointing at her dear, dear stepdaughter.
"I'm twenty-six and have exactly zero wrinkles," Azula snaps, her eyes not leaving the glitter-glue covered scrapbook.
"I meant your clothes and make-up… which I shouldn't have had to explain," Mai replies.
"The point at the time was to look like a Bond villain, so…" Azula shrugs. "It's infinitely better than your hipster phase."
"I look great," Ty Lee declares and Mai manages to hold her tongue. She would not describe any of them as looking great in that picture. "Ooo! This was the year Azula was in Macbeth for school! I had a lot of pictures of that. Oh, oh! And the year everybody wore red scarves!"
"Yeah, I have some interesting videos from freshman and sophomore year that involve disco and duct tape dresses. That was during my American Beauty phase." Mai almost laughs. She cannot believe she ever was that bad of a hipster.
Azula gives Mai a semi-disgusted glance. "Mai, I'm sorry, but I don't think your American Beauty phase has ended yet. Or ever will."
"I don't get it," Ty Lee complains, cocking an inquisitive eyebrow. They both are so in on something that she isn't, and Ty Lee hates being left out.
Mai begins, "American Beauty is about a man in a midlife crisis who wants to fu—"
Azula throws a stripper heel at her, and Mai narrowly dodges. "We are not discussing this."
"What does it have to do with Mai taking stupid iPhone videos of people for two years?" Ty Lee innocently bats her eyelashes.
Azula just sighs. "Ty Lee, you can watch it later. After you finish cleaning this room."
"Fine, mom. God," Ty Lee teases through giggles.
She laughs at her own jokes. Why is Azula marrying her again?
[X]
After finishing up at Ty Lee's apartment, "Can I call you Gram-Gram?" Bunny asks, tugging on Mai's hand as they walk down the horrible sidewalk.
Why is everything under construction? Why is everything so cold? Why? Why are there so few ads for plastic surgery?
"You absolutely may not," Mai replies after a moment of speechlessness.
"But my other grandma said I could call her Grammy," Bunny whines.
"That better have been my grandmother!" Azula snaps, spinning on her heel and knocking an unlucky tourist over.
"Your… mom?" Bunny looks confused. Rightfully.
"Mai is your grandmother, Ilah is your grandmother and that is it," Azula orders.
Ty Lee gently shoves Azula. "Don't be mean to my baby. She doesn't know any better."
"Oh, do you hate her like mom hates her mom?" Bunny asks and Azula cocks a smug eyebrow. Ty Lee starts walking again, her hands now deeper in her parka pockets. "I get it! But you don't hate Gram-Gram."
"Don't call me that," Mai says, but she thinks hope is lost already. Bunny grabs her by the wrist and pulls on her surprisingly hard.
"Hurry up or we can't play paper dolls before my bedtime!"
"Kill me," Mai whispers.
[X]
Ty Lee starts to turn into some sketchy diner and Azula grabs her by the coat sleeve.
"We're not getting diner toast."
Ty Lee smiles anxiously. "Well, see, I thought we were before your dad surprised us, and, I know you're going to be annoyed, but I forgot that I told Angel that you would look at this thing she doesn't understand."
"Her first grader's math homework?" Azula smugly suggests and Ty Lee frowns at her.
"That's mean and I don't want you to say stuff like that about my remaining friends. It's her homework for college – where you didn't even go – and it's an interview for an economics thesis. I said you'd do it because she will do like so good if she has an interview from a Shinohai, right?"
"You can't just nominate me for interviews," Azula breathily protests.
"Please. She's so smart. Like way smarter than me," Ty Lee chimes.
Ty Lee walks inside of the diner and is warmly welcomed by the staff.
Azula sighs and follows her. She certainly does not receive the same fanfare.
"Why can't we go to a bar? Days like today require alcohol," Azula complains, sliding into a booth.
"Days like today require heroin," Mai corrects as Bunny at last releases her.
The moment the Shinohais plus Bunny are settled, Ty Lee returns with a very pretty waitress.
Ty Lee is so thrilled to introduce everyone. "This is my friend, Angel. Angel, this is Azula's dad and stepmom."
Angel looks at Azula, her pleading eyes glistening in the fluorescent lights. "Can you please help me? It's for my stupid journalism class and I got stuck with stuff about like Wall Street. I wanted to write about Vogue."
"Oh, well, I don't know anything about either of those things. I've never even been on a trading floor and well, I've been in Vogue a few times, but I don't know how it works."
"I thought you were a businesswoman," Angel inquires.
"Yes. I own an oil company. There is such a difference between that and the stock market. But I do know enough to possibly give you an interview that will give you maybe a B?" Azula could use some more kindness and generosity in Ty Lee's direction.
"That sounds awesome," Angel says.
"This will be my personal opinion. See, I have someone who I pay for things like that, but I do have some strong opinions. But, out of the pure kindness of the cold storage-shed where my heart should be, I will give you five minutes of my advice."
"Thanks." Angel shuffles index cards and puts a pencil between her teeth while sitting down to write.
Mai leans in to Ozai. "I bet you five thousand dollars Azula is at least a seven on the condescending scale."
He whispers back, "I don't disagree with you. That would be a terrible bet."
"Fine. I bet you five thousand that she will be exactly a nine because she will try to be semi-nice in front of Ty Lee. You can have at least a seven. But if she's exactly a nine, I win."
Azula says, "Right. My disclaimer is that no one has a crystal ball and I am far from a financial advisor – I have one of those – so if I am wrong and you look like an idiot for using my interview in your thesis, it is your fault for not asking a professional. I didn't even go to college."
"Oh," Angel says with a befuddled glance at Ty Lee.
"There are two words in stocks and bonds. I don't believe in any bonds except for the sexual kind. Write all of that down; it was funnier than anything you could write."
"We're at eight already," Mai whispers.
"I would personally invest in large companies that pay good dividends and are American. I only know that because I have one of those. I guess American probably wouldn't make as much of a difference as when my grandfather gave me that lecture about the Stock Market the Easter he came to visit me here, since an American does half its business internationally and an international company does half of its business in America, but with what my uncle's company got away with before being caught, imagine what a company in China could get away with."
Angel claps her hands together with a deep, airy breath in. "Okay. This is all really good. Some quotes and stuff but what are bonds and dividends?"
"How many minutes was that, Ty Lee?"
"Like six. I think," Ty Lee replies. She tries to look as innocent as possible.
"Well, I said five. Ask the internet that question," declares Azula.
"I will," nervously says Angel as she stands up. "Bye, Ty Lee!"
"Bye! I'm sorry my fiancée is so mean!"
"I expect it from her by now." Angel waves.
"That was a ten. You win," Mai whispers out of the corner of her mouth.
"Azula, be nice sometimes. She's gonna be my maid of honor," Ty Lee says sweetly and Ozai no longer cares much about his bet.
"I'll be nicer," Azula lies. That will happen when Hell freezes over.
"I am going to go make them give us all of their coffee." Ozai stands and walks away.
Azula knows she did something wrong. Ugh.
Mai taps on the straw dispenser and starts unwrapping one, despite not having a drink. She then comments, "You are afraid of your father seeing you as obeying anything Ty Lee says. Because you are afraid he will think you're no longer the perfect son or that Ty Lee isn't the perfect wife." Mai taps the straw dispenser twice more. "Damn, I should be a psychologist."
Azula glares. "No. You shouldn't. The level of times you have self-diagnosed my family with Freudian syndromes means you should never be a psychologist."
"I think that Freud might have based his theories on your family," Mai says. "But that aside, I know you just lied about being nice to her friends, but you've been making Ty Lee look weak. You'll be way more successful if you make Ty Lee look strong and more like you. He's testing her."
"You think that he would want me to marry someone like myself?"
"No. I think the more people remind him of himself, the more he likes them."
"Ugh. God, that is true. Maybe you should be a psychologist," Azula comments.
"Yeah." Pause. "But I could never be a therapist or psychologist or psychiatrist or anything that involves dealing with people's illnesses and problems. One, this entire conversation was boring, and two, I hate listening to whining or watching any displays of emotion. There was a baby crying on the plane and I just wanted to tell it to man the fuck up."
"But you didn't care enough to do it?" Ty Lee suggests.
"You know me well," Mai says, slowly shaking her head. "He's coming back. Time for you to make Ty Lee look like the strong one." Mai considers winking but changes her mind.
Azula hopes Mai's advice pays off, because this will not be fun for anyone.
