Chapter Seven: Tartarus
"There is literally nothing in this world more boring than the ER," complains Mai. "TV lied to me."
She leans back in an uncomfortable chair and suppresses screaming. Zuko sits tensely, his thoughts solely on his father's car. Azula does not look up from her phone, save for a few glances at Ty Lee, who is knocked out on the hospital bed.
"I have to agree," Azula replies, lifting her gaze to glance at Ty Lee and ask of her two unhappy companions, "It was the morphine and not blood loss, right? Not that I care if she lives or not, but I think that paperwork I made Zuko sign makes this legally ambiguous."
Mai wants to smack Azula across the face. What she usually finds amusing has become torturous; Azula could not possibly be worse on crushing at someone. She should apply for the world record for the most oblivious person alive.
"I don't care," Zuko says, closing his eyes. "This is somehow going to be blamed on me. You all know it."
"We do." Azula turns up her palms and smirks. "You are significantly talented at being a scapegoat."
"You are significantly terrible at being a decent human being," he snaps. "This is on you. He is blaming you for this if it is the last thing I do."
"He is blaming Ty Lee for this, because she was the one who fell out of a window and said she would not call an ambulance because it would embarrass her too much. I agree that I am not a decent human being but I…" Azula looks up from her phone and narrows her eyes at the wall. She risked herself for a girl who she swore to eternally punish mere hours ago.
"You helped someone. Let it sink in," Zuko says.
Azula swiftly says, "I help lots of people. All the time. I am always helping people."
Zuko groans.
[X]
Zuko manages to tell a story that slightly eases Mai's boredom, and she is extremely attracted to him while he whines about Iroh's eccentricities. Ty Lee would be thrilled if she were conscious.
"Uncle will go to this Himalayan store on Hawthorne and he'll talk to the woman who owns it for like an hour and I think I'm going to die from boredom already, but then he needs to pick out incense. It's not – incense should not be that difficult of a decision.
"Then he usually just buys all of them because he can't decide. Oh, and then of course he has to pick out new figurines that are identical to the ones he already has. Then he'll say he needs to buy me something and gets me like a woven man purse or a candle. It's not worth it."
[X]
A thousand hours later, Ty Lee is awake but they have made no progress in escaping this living hell.
"Space Law," reads Mai from her phone. She then falls silent as she scrolls through the article. "That's disappointing. Everyone is wrong. America can't own the moon, and I don't think a person or company can own the moon either."
"I still have no idea why anyone would want to own the moon," Zuko says.
Azula scoffs. "Why does anyone want to own Ugg boots or ugly Christmas sweaters or glasses that don't work or clothes emblazoned with Abercrombie or an owl. So everyone knows you have it."
"I don't think the moon is a fashion trend," Zuko says, cocking an eyebrow. He does not know how or why they reached this point.
"Owls aren't a fashion trend either," croaks Ty Lee. She keeps trying to poke at her stitches but cannot reach them and so she is subjected to the heated debates of her best friends and Zuko.
"Why would anyone want an owl?" Mai asks, setting her phone on her lap. "I don't know anyone with an owl."
Azula glares at her and softly says, "I am going to go buy an owl the minute we leave this place, so you all can know I have one. There. Then you will know someone with an owl, Mai."
Ty Lee weakly smiles and chimes, "I think you would be a great owl parent."
"Shut up," Azula hisses.
[X]
Azula at last makes contact with Ozai and tells him she is in the emergency room. It is not a lie. Simply an exploitation of the ambiguous English language.
He arrives and the collective relief of the four teenagers is astonishing.
"I have never been so happy to see you," Zuko says to his father, but is quickly shot down.
"That's wonderful," he very coldly says before turning to his daughter. "Why didn't you call me?"
"I called you a thousand times but your phone was off. If I had to be realistic I would say twenty-four. Mai, be my witness."
"I disagree," Mai slicky says, and Azula looks aghast. "I think it must have been twenty-seven, Mr. Shinohai."
"I was busy," he replies. "I would still be busy if I didn't think you were the injured one. I don't care what happens to her. Why do I have to be at the ER for her?"
"Because we're all underage and she didn't have her phone so we couldn't call her family. Also, I think the nurse said she was getting discharge papers an hour ago and still has not returned," Azula exasperatedly explains.
"What happened to her?" Ozai demands, gesturing at Ty Lee.
Azula sounds sickeningly sweet as she says, "She fell out of her window. I saved her. Don't you want me to save people?"
Mai and Zuko exchange a glance.
"No," coldly replies Ozai. "Not if it means you end up in this disgusting part of a hospital that I didn't even know existed."
"You've never been to an ER?" Ty Lee asks, tilting her head to the side.
"Yes. Just much nicer ones than this. Is that chair made of plastic?" He is truly disgusted.
"It is. Can we leave now?" Azula grabs her sweater and straightens her posture.
But her father asks, "How did you get here?"
Silence.
Azula sets back down her sweater. "Zuko, tell father how we got here."
Zuko expected this, and he is prepared.
"I'm the only one here old enough to drive, you see," he says, "and Azula said she would murder me if I didn't drive Ty Lee here, so I borrowed one of your cars to drive them because she made me."
He should have known that he would never be able to justify his actions in his father's eyes.
Ozai asks, "That small, innocent little girl forced you to break the rules of my home?"
"Have you seen her trophy case?" Zuko exclaims and Ty Lee cringes. "She could kill me. You have a ton of weapons that she could kill me with. She could burn down the house with me inside. I saw her burn down a shed once."
"Smokey the Bear wept that day," Mai dryly adds, fondly recalling summertime in the Rockies.
Ozai's scrutiny shifts to her. "How did you get involved?"
"Me? I just saw the chaos from my porch and made a horrible decision to join them," she says, unfazed by the Shinohai glare. "I've just been island shopping on my phone."
"Island shopping?" he asks.
"Shopping for an island," Mai says, and Zuko is impressed by her composure. "I'm not legally old enough yet, just like I'm not legally old enough to steal a car and drive away from this antiseptic scented hell. But, I mean, it's a big decision."
"She was moon shopping for a while," Ty Lee chimes.
"I don't think a single person can own the moon," says a man who had tried to do so.
"That's what I said," Zuko snaps.
And again Ozai's tone becomes terrifying. "You be quiet and wait for me to figure out what to do with you for stealing a car."
"She made me do it!" Zuko shouts, smashing the back of his head against the bright white wall.
"Of course I didn't," Azula confidently corrects. "I just asked if he would help. It was a broad statement that he clearly misinterpreted."
Mai briefly smirks as she says, "It's true. I even reminded him that it was a bad idea and told him we should just call an ambulance."
"I was unconscious," Ty Lee hastily says, beaming innocently.
Zuko stares at the floor.
[X]
Azula survives Friday in navy heels and arrives at home early due to beautifully cancelled extracurricular activities. Her wrath has faded – at least until she sees Zuko on the driveway. She sighs and drops her bag, leaving the well-groomed path to spy on him. He catches sight of her before she can even sneak up on him.
Zuko approaches her with two plastic bags of bottles and towels, and in one hand clutches two colorful brooms held together by their tag.
"You arrived just in time," he says with a mocking smile. "Father is making me clean his car. You're helping because it's your fault."
"I do not take orders from you," Azula snarls under her breath. "That is ridiculous and will never happen." Pause. "Why do you have all of that?"
Zuko sets down the large plastic bags on the pavement. "I bought cleaning supplies since we don't own any."
"We have to own some, I mean…" Azula shrugs. It doesn't matter.
"You can have the brooms and the… whatever this thing with a lemon on it is." Zuko shakes a yellow bottle in one hand and shoves the brooms at her with the other.
She instantly drops them. "Why did you even get two identical brooms? One would suffice."
"So that when you're going out for a ride you can bring a friend," Zuko replies.
Before Azula can rip out his tongue, "That was actually funny," says a dry and distinctly non-Shinohai voice.
Azula snaps, "That was breaking and entering. Leave before I call the police."
"The fence was open. I just walked inside. It's not like I'm not allowed to break into your house or something. I broke into your kitchen yesterday afternoon and nobody gave a damn." Mai shuts the gate behind her.
"Help clean the car," Azula orders. "You wanted to be a part of it, remember?"
"Why did you break in yesterday?" Zuko interrupts.
"Attempted arson," Mai sardonically snaps. "I'll help you clean the car. I'll be the supervisor to make sure everything is done right."
Disgruntled, Zuko orders, "You're also helping. You said you wanted to be a part of it. We didn't need you."
"I was misinformed about emergency rooms," Mai replies. "You can't blame me for that small mistake."
"You both will help," Zuko says.
Azula does not speak or move for a moment before seizing one of the plastic bags.
"Seeing as you are certainly too incompetent to properly clean our wonderful father's car, I will help you out of the kindness of my heart." She just wants to see this end terribly, to tell the truth.
"Congratulations. I didn't know you had a heart; when did you get it?" Zuko says.
"Oh, it was around the same time you got the courage to speak to me like that. You must have been too distracted by your own gift to notice mine," Azula replies.
[X]
Zuko goes out that night in order to avoid his father and sister. He meets up with old friends from his younger days and realizes how much he hates them. Despite that, it is still infinitely better than being at home.
At their mahogany dining room table, Azula is very confused by her father's request to eat dinner with her. She usually eats in her room, and he eats in his office and it is for the best. He agreed upon that unsaid arrangement, and so Azula knows this must be a dire situation.
"Princess, I made a promise to your mother," Ozai says and Azula sets down her fork.
This will not be good. Not a chance.
"Are we returning Zuko to his proper owner?" Azula hopefully inquires.
"Somewhat," Ozai replies, which is a troubling response.
Azula says through a grimace, "What does somewhat mean?"
"To begin, I will remind you that you are my child and you must obey me."
"What does somewhat mean?" Azula repeats, louder this time.
Silence.
Ozai shrugs and casually says, "You will be going with him."
Azula's heart jumps into her throat and stays there. "I imagine that means I will escort him to the airport because mother is afraid he will get lost."
"It's only three days. You can tolerate your own mother for three days."
"No. No, I can't!" Azula stands up so quickly that she hits her knee on the table. But she has too much adrenaline surging through her to notice the pain. "Father, we all decided to forget about legal agreements and just never see each other again. I think it was a fantastic idea. You are above the law."
"We are not entirely above the law," Ozai reluctantly admits.
"Yes we are. We could murder people and not see any repercussions." That is true.
"We are not entirely above what my father thinks of us." Ozai meets her gaze and she averts her eyes.
Azula sits down and regally sighs. "Please elaborate."
"Your mother and uncle visited your grandfather while we have been babysitting Zuko and he thinks it is a good idea for me to spend more time with my son for inexplicable reasons. I think it's a terrible idea. Anyway, the only way your mother would agree was if she also got to spend more time with you," Ozai explains, as if this is not the end of the world.
This is like asteroids hitting the Earth, or everywhere on the planet suddenly combusting, or maybe an imminent nuclear war. Volcano? Tsunami?
Azula collects herself and asks, "We don't really need his money or companies or legacy. We can start our own business in another country."
"Three days. Once a month. I will get you out of it when I get myself out of it." That is true.
"I can't tolerate Zuko for six days a month. I can't tolerate him for six days a year. And I don't even want to think about them. No, no, no, my answer is no." Azula shakes her head so fiercely that she gives herself whiplash.
Ozai does not falter for a second when she rubs her pained neck. He seems to have accepted the horror and lost all of his love for his precious daughter.
"I told you that you are my child and must obey me," he says and Azula looks up.
"Respectfully," she says, "not in this instance. I will hijack the plane and murder everyone on it."
He coldly replies, "Good."
Azula grabs her knife and reconsiders hacking and slashing everyone in the world to death, and instead chooses to ferociously stab the table. The loud crack is not as satisfying as she had hoped.
Ozai does not bat an eye and so she sits back down.
She stares at her food and realizes she has lost her appetite.
Chapter Seven: Land of Milk and Honey
Azula comes home from a long, painful day and lies down on the sofa. She honestly cannot believe she is getting married, and after the wedding dress shopping she thinks she is having second thoughts. It seems far too drastic, and she has never before seen Ty Lee take something so seriously.
Her father sits across from her and she stares at him without moving a muscle. She does not have the energy to sit up and face him for proper conversation.
"Mai and I are leaving early tomorrow morning. I think you are doing well on your own, and so I've made preparations," he says.
Azula smirks. "Was Bunny difficult?"
"Not for me," Ozai lies. The girl was cute, but dealing with her was torture. "I have been a successful parent since before you were born."
"You are the best parent I have, at least," Azula says, punctuating her words with a soft sigh. Mai finishes taking off her coat and sits down in the other chair. Now Azula feels as if she is standing in front of a tribunal. They both are remarkably judgmental people.
"You're a fantastic parent to one half of your children," Mai says. "No? Is that off? One tenth? I don't know. One fourth? No, no help on this? Now I just look like a total moron."
"Bunny was difficult?" Ty Lee asks, dropping her coat by the door. She kicks it towards the closet, but does not feel like hanging it up properly. Ozai watches the small scene with scrutiny.
"She may have been difficult, but I handled it. She is asleep, and I didn't even have to put valium in a cup of tea," he says.
As if mocking him, a little girl bounds into the room, leaping with each step.
"Mai, Mai, Mai!" she shrieks.
"She does not fit her name very well," Ozai coldly remarks.
Ty Lee turns to her daughter, whom is tugging on a nonresponsive woman. Mai cannot believe that she has to be the grandmother of this child for an indefinite period of time. It revolts and terrifies her to imagine her future relationship with paper-dolls.
"You're not a Bunny; you're a little lioness," Ty Lee says. Pause. Ty Lee turns to Mai and whispers, "Is that a word? Lioness?"
"Yes." Mai pries Bunny off of her at last.
"Good." Ty Lee sets her hand over her heart. "Because Azula knows all these words and she doesn't like it when I teach Bunny ones that aren't real."
"I can hear you talking about me," Azula announces. "I think I am valid in my desire for her to speak proper English, and for her not to think dramastic is a word."
"It should be." Ty Lee pouts.
Azula just stands up and escapes to her bedroom.
"What's this about valium?" Mai asks.
Ozai cavalierly explains, "My grandmother would put valium in tea and give it to children. She would line up cups of tea on her counter and put in some honey and then some valium and it did work."
"It's better than turpentine in cookies," Ty Lee chirps, fondly recalling Ilah's famous story.
"Well, I didn't have to eat the turpentine cookies," Ozai says, "but I did take an unknown amount of valium as a child."
Mai shrugs. "Valium never hurt anyone. It does the opposite."
"Never give my Bunny valium tea." Ty Lee grabs her daughter and pulls her onto her lap.
And Ozai answers, "Never trust my brother to watch her then."
[X]
"I'm going to bed," Mai announces two hours later.
Ty Lee is halfway through a sentence, but it is late. Azula and Bunny are presumably sleeping, and Ty Lee is pretending that her best friend and fiancée's father are not interrogating her. She thankfully has stories about cats up her sleeve, which tends to shut people up quite quickly.
Mai stands and leaves. The minute her footsteps silence, Ty Lee looks up from her empty plastic cup of wine and accidentally locks eyes with Ozai Shinohai. Like his daughter, he is the type of person who enters a room and makes it fall silent without doing a thing.
"You must be tired," he comments and she nods. "Before you go to bed, I would like to make you an offer."
"Mhm." Ty Lee wishes her plastic cup was full. Maybe she should try that valium trick Ozai mentioned earlier, but on herself instead of her child.
"I want to offer you seventy-five thousand dollars to break up with my daughter and never see her again," he says.
Ty Lee does not know how to respond to that. It strikes her like a sudden slap to the face.
"I – why?" She has no idea what she did wrong, and she honestly wants to cry. Or run. Or run and cry.
"Because I want to. Give me an answer."
"My answer is no. Never. Never ever," Ty Lee vehemently replies. Her heart flutters but her voice is strong.
Ozai Shinohai stares at her for a chilling moment.
"Interesting."
"It's not interesting. It's true." Ty Lee races to bed immediately after losing her temper.
She does not want to make him hate her more.
She does not know that she just passed the final test.
[X]
"Why are you putting milk in your eyes?" asks Azula as she enters her kitchen. It is still dark outside, but Azula's father and Mai had to leave for the airport a few minutes ago.
Ty Lee yelps and coughs. "You made me mess up! It went in my nose!"
"Well, forgive me," Azula sarcastically replies, waving her hand and examining the empty coffee pot.
"I'm putting milk in my eyes because I got hairspray in them and that stuff is like mace," Ty Lee cheerily explains. Azula is a morning person, but cannot fathom how someone could be that much of a morning person.
"It's not literally like mace. I think you should just wash them out with water. Think of the bacteria." Azula stares at the coffee and decides she is too tired to make more. She instead opens the refrigerator.
"It's too late for that," Ty Lee snaps. She screws the cap back on the jug of milk and turns on the sink to wash her face. "Oh, and it worked. Ha! And also, you can't criticize me for this when you kill spiders with MacGyvered flamethrowers."
"Mmm. So be it. I will be outside." Azula finishes gathering her vital items.
Ty Lee criticizes them instantly, which makes Azula miss when Ty Lee just did whatever the fuck she said and was positive while she did it. "You have an energy drink, a pack of cigarettes and a phone that I bet you're going to use while on a balcony juggling the two other things. I'm going to be a widow before I'm a wife."
"If you ever become that," Azula murmurs to herself.
Unfortunately, Ty Lee hears her, and demands, "What does that mean?"
Azula sighs; she does not have patience this early in the morning. "It means nothing."
Ty Lee swallows the lump in her throat. "Do you not want to marry me? Because it's pretty late for that."
"Of course I want to marry you. I would not have endured yesterday if I didn't." Azula does not even try with that lie.
"Is yesterday giving you super premature cold feet?" Ty Lee furrows her brow.
"No, yesterday isn't; you are." Azula is out on the balcony before Ty Lee can say a word.
Ty Lee stares at the wall in front of her and tries to comprehend what she just heard.
