Chapter Nine: Hips Don't Lie
Azula has one dance rehearsal before she takes the train of death to her mother's house of horrors. She sits in the break room, waiting for her chunk of time, and Ty Lee makes a joyous shrieking noise.
"It's so cute! It's so cute!" Ty Lee chirps, waving around her phone. "He sent me this cute picture, look!"
Azula does not look. She does not want to look. She wants to burn Haru's hair off, or something far worse. Quickly, she thinks of an excuse; it is not as if Ty Lee can chase her with that cast on her leg.
"I have to find more water." Azula gets up, grabs her water bottle by two fingers, and vacates the room.
Mai looks up at Ty Lee. Ty Lee had reminded her of her mom's awful Chihuahua a mere moment ago, but her excitement disappears the moment Azula leaves the room.
"He treats you better than any of your past boyfriends," Mai says, setting down her own phone. "Azula would not treat you well. Azula would be terrible to you, and deep down you know that."
"That's what makes her so hot."
"That she is manipulative and heartless?" Mai dryly asks. She wishes she were surprised.
"Yes, of course. She is…" Ty Lee melodramatically fans her face with her hand.
Mai picks up her phone again.
Ty Lee will never see reason.
[X]
"I am sexy enough," Azula snaps as soon as the instructor leaves. She would have said it to his face, but she has decent restraint. "I am by far sexy enough."
She crosses her arms and looks at her fitted nude-hued costume. It hugs her flawless body and her hair is impeccable despite the drops of sweat. Azula also knows that she moves like damned Aphrodite.
"Mrs. Prosi sent me in here," says Ty Lee. Azula hopes Ty Lee did not overhear her talking to the mirror. "I'm supposed to show you how to be… sexier? I think you're extremely sexy. In a friend way! In a friend way, of course, obviously."
"Did you need to clarify that?" asks Azula and Ty Lee hesitantly nods. Azula accepts that response; people other than Ursa have questioned the nature of their relationship.
"So, I have some music that is way better than classical stuff, and I think we could make this half prep for the Valentine's Day dance!" Ty Lee smiles. "Okay, okay, it is all in the hips, and hips are super sexy, and you have super sexy hips probably."
Azula hates how much she likes Ty Lee's stupid grin.
Kneeling on the floor, Ty Lee turns on the sweet sound of some second rate rapper.
[X]
Ty Lee has to catch her breath halfway through their lonely practice; Azula does not. Nonetheless, they stand, staring into the mirror as they listen to the rehearsal in the studio next door.
"So, you think little messages of kittens are cute?" Azula inquires and Ty Lee stops moving. "That just doesn't seem like you. You need someone who doesn't bend to your every will, and someone who will be a bit unpredictable and daring."
"You're pretty much always right about your advice, but I…" Ty Lee does not have a good excuse. That is exactly what she wants, but she also has to admit that she has never picked winners to date. Someone kind to her who will do anything for her is a huge upgrade.
Is Mai right? No way. Mai cannot be right. She knows nothing about love.
"But I…?" Azula asks, kneeling to turn off the music.
"But I am in love with him," Ty Lee blurts out. She does not think she means it, but she does secretly like how much Azula looks like Ty Lee just slapped her across the face.
"Oh. How good for you," Azula softly says with a smoldering glare.
"Yeah," Ty Lee squeaks.
Neither girl could be more glad that Azula will be absent this weekend.
[X]
Azula Shinohai glares at her father for the entirety of the drive to the airport. She has earbuds in, but she cannot even register the lyrics of the songs; she is far too angry.
In three hours, she will be in the clutches of her mother. How dare he. How dare he. Grandfather's fortune is not worth this torment. Once she sits on the train, she glares out of the window and avoids any eye contact with Zuko.
After fifteen minutes, however, her brother runs his mouth.
"Do you think I'm happy about weekends with father?" Zuko demands. Azula pointedly yawns.
"He just doesn't love you. Accept it," Azula sweetly says. He grits his teeth.
"He is my father."
"And you are his son. Imagine the soul-crushing disappointment he must feel," Azula replies, smirking as Zuko fumes. "If you were my son, I would change my name and move to Japan."
"Mother did nothing to you."
"She did, and it is none of your business."
"Or she didn't, and you just won't admit it."
"Or I have no desire to confide my secrets in you. I would rather tell Ty Lee and she has some kind of disease that makes her spread a secret around the world within ten seconds of hearing it," Azula coldly replies, refusing to lift her gaze from the dirty window.
Zuko sighs and puts his headphones back into his ears.
[X]
Azula Shinohai glares at her uncle for the entirety of the drive away from the airport. He keeps talking about this horrible city as she acts as disinterested as possible. Iroh pretends to want her to feel welcome, but she knows better than that.
They finally reach West Linn and Azula reluctantly leaves the car. She leaves Iroh to carry in her bags as she walks up to the front door as if approaching an executioner's block.
She opens the unlocked door and looks at the home. It is the exact opposite of her father. He decorates with the clean lines of an Imperial Palace, everything either golden or gilded, and a cold, unfeeling aura. He would die if someone cluttered his beautiful home with boxes and knick-knacks and board games and camping gear.
"It's so nice to see you," says her mother.
Azula briefly considers her options, and decides to feign an Oscar-worthy performance to torture the woman who had the nerve to give birth to her.
"I want to go home where people love me!" she screams, and she cries, and runs, and locks herself in the room prepared for her.
That should buy her some privacy.
The moment she closes her eyes, someone knocks on the door.
Sigh. Or not.
Chapter Nine: A Ferret Infestation
Azula walks into the kitchen, halfway ready for work, and sees Ty Lee pacing with her phone clasped in her hand. She looks nervous and Azula does not like it.
"Azula," Ty Lee slowly says, drawing out her words like Bunny when she wants something, "can I ask you for a favor?"
"Maybe," Azula replies. This morning has gone downhill fast.
"So, my sister just had a baby and two of my sisters and my mom are with her and they got the wedding invitations and asked if I wanted to come. I haven't talked to them in so long that I don't know! I think I want to go see them."
Azula does not hesitate to reply, "I would rather not visit the Beverly Hillbillies."
"They live in Bandon now," Ty Lee protests and Azula's eyes flash. "What's wrong?"
"My mother's parents live there," Azula bitterly remarks, cringing at the very idea of visiting them.
"I can finally meet them!" Ty Lee beams.
"When Hell freezes over."
"Please, please, please?" Ty Lee begs, a twinkle in her eyes.
"I am going to the gym now. I will talk to you after you get over this ridiculous idea," Azula says, pivoting to face the door.
"I'll come with you," Ty Lee suggests, smiling. "We've never done that together!"
For good reason, Azula thinks, but she does know that indulging this ridiculous idea will spare her from a dreadful vacation.
"Fine," Azula says, waving her hand.
[X]
"Why do you smoke when you work out?" Ty Lee asks and Azula sighs. "What? It seems kinda counter'tuitive."
"This is why we don't do this together," Azula sharply replies. "You do look good in those shorts, however, so I will allow your questioning of my judgement."
"I love the things you say to me. They're so romantic," Ty Lee says.
She leans down and kisses Azula on the lips.
Azula breaks the kiss and coughs, saying, "Wait; I have smoke in my lungs."
Ty Lee laughs.
[X]
Azula cannot believe the move Ty Lee makes.
Bunny comes up to her after work, as she is watching sadistic television and attempting to avoid thoughts of her wedding, and stares up at her with her Bambi eyes.
"I wanna go to Bandon," says Bunny and Azula instantly knows Ty Lee put her up to this. "I wanna go so much. So much. So much."
She tugs on Azula's arm.
And the most powerful woman in the world has no choice but to cave in.
[X]
"I could not bribe or threaten our way into a nice hotel. Can you believe that? I am far more important than some golfer," Azula snaps as she steps onto the tarmac. "We clearly have to stay with your family."
Ty Lee holds Bunny in one arm as Azula's chauffeur carries their copious luggage. They have entered Eugene and will have to suffer a long ride to a redneck town that looks like a poor man's Norman Rockwell.
Of course, it is nicer than Seaside. Azula will give it that.
"I'm so excited. My sister and her husband and my other two sisters and their husbands have been flipping this house, right? They were gonna live in it but then they hated it, so they're just going to sell it for a profit," Ty Lee cheerily chirps.
Azula rubs her temples. "You are the dumbest family that ever lived. Why are you pouring money into the real estate market?"
"Ugh. It was on the cover of Better Homes and Gardens!" Ty Lee protests. That piques Azula's interest.
"Then why are they flipping it?" she inquires.
"It was on the cover of Better Homes and Gardens in the '60s."
"Ah."
[X]
This house is worse than Camp Crystal Lake. It would probably be better off with a woman running around killing people with a chainsaw. Azula might be that woman at this point.
The floor of a strange-smelling house with 'rustic charm' is lined with dirt. Ty Lee's sister smells like cheap perfume and her entire family is having some kind of disgusting barbeque that is disgusting.
When Ty Lee's sister guides them to their room, Azula sees the deflated air mattress and throws up in her mouth.
Before she can order their escape, Bunny screams at the top of her lungs and jumps away from a wild animal that tried to take a bite out of her leg.
"What was that?" Azula screeches.
Ty Lee looks up at her and matter-of-factly replies, "A ferret."
"A fucking ferret? A ferret? Please tell me it is a pet," Azula whispers. Perhaps this dreadful place has bested her. It cannot be.
"Pest. It's a pest," Ty Lee calmly replies, somehow still smiling. "The lady who lived here before had like a thousand ferrets and she left them behind after she died."
Azula has already found her phone and started scrolling through her contacts. She closes her eyes as she presses her thumb to the name Iroh Shinohai.
Ty Lee grabs Bunny and sets her on her lap as the floor makes a crackling sound. It takes three entire rings before he picks up.
"Hello?" asks Iroh.
"It is your niece. Tell me the phone number of my mother's parents," demands Azula.
"Your grandparents?"
"My mother's parents!" Azula takes a deep breath. "I apologize for being so… short with you. I just saw a ferret try to murder my daughter. My fiancée's daughter, I mean. Now, Ty Lee, write this down."
Ty Lee replies, "I don't have anything to write it on."
"You are the worst secretary in all of history," Azula hisses.
"I'll put it on my phone," she grumbles.
Azula repeats each digit after her uncle vocalizes them.
"Why do you need to contact them?"
"I am in Bandon and need rescue."
"I have been thinking about going on a trip down there to visit a good friend of mine."
"Don't you dare. I have enough to deal with already," Azula snaps. She hangs up before Iroh can try to plan a vacation.
Ty Lee frowns. "I guess we're not staying here."
Azula snatches Ty Lee's phone and dials a number she never even considered acquiring until this moment.
"Hello?" Female voice. Must be her mother's mother.
"Hello," Azula so silkily purrs, as if she is not in a nightmare. "This is your granddaughter. I am in Bandon and need a place to stay…"
Azula glances up at Ty Lee.
She is never indulging her fiancée's madness ever again.
