Chapter Eleven: My Bloody Valentine's Dance
On Friday, Zuko sits in his bedroom at his father's pretend palace.
He came down to Los Angeles as soon as he was done with school this afternoon in order to go to this stupid dance with Mai. Staying with his father and sister is Hell, but she is gorgeous and mysterious and he has never had a real date to an event.
At the moment, he reads Go Tell it on the Mountain for his English class, wearing a pair of sweatpants with his semiformal clothes draped over his desk chair. Homework is preferable to sitting around talking to Azula and Ozai, and at the moment they are discussing the ground rules of Azula going somewhere with a boy. Zuko is not touching that traditional father-daughter conversation with a ten-foot pole.
Something knocks on his window and he jumps up. Zuko steps across his room, wondering if he should grab a weapon, and then sees amber eyes glimmering in the moonlight. Zuko shoves open his window and Mai slips inside.
He thinks he catches a glimpse of a smile, but knows his assumption is probably erroneous.
"You look so ready for this dance," she sarcastically says, looking him up and down.
"And you do?" He examines her dirty oversized coat.
She unflinchingly takes it off and he starts to look away before seeing that there is a dress under it. "I wasn't going to climb a roof in just this dress."
It is glistening, metallic black, and it looks amazing. When he sees her outfit, Zuko wants to ask why she did not just come to the front door, but he thinks that might be a dumb idea. Mai sits down on his bed and picks up his English book.
"What's this?" she inquires, waving it in the air.
Zuko has only been skimming it to tell the truth, but he offers the best answer he has. "A book about a boy with a terrible father who he inexplicably wants to make happy."
"I didn't know you had a diary," Mai replies and he tries to stifle his laughter.
She does smile this time.
[X]
Fifteen minutes later, Mai and Zuko are on the front lawn with Ty Lee and her dears Haru. Azula stands on the porch and begrudgingly accepts the flowers from her date. She does not even remotely like him, but she wants to go with someone. A Valentine's Dance is not meant to be braved alone, especially when Mai and Ty Lee both have dates.
"You look hot," says Hahn and Azula nods.
"I know." Azula steps off of the porch and goes to join her frustrating friends and their damned dates.
He catches up with her, trying to look smooth. At least he has dancing experience to make him move like a remotely appealing young man. Maybe that is why Ty Lee thought he was gorgeous and had a crush on him for years, which, incidentally, is the only thing that matters to Azula.
She does have a few texts from the photographer's daughter…
Texts to which she replied.
"Let's go let's go let's go let's go let's go!" squeals Ty Lee, jumping up and down.
Mai wishes she were home tonight watching her and Azula's annual showing of My Bloody Valentine and Azula feels the same way.
[X]
Azula and Ty Lee make about as much progress as they do at any dance. Mai watches as they try to make each other jealous and therefore perpetuate their obliviousness. Zuko clearly is trying to sleep with Mai by the end of the night. Azula's date seems to have something similar in mind, but Zuko actually has better luck in this case.
At least Mai likes boys.
Azula gets up and walks out.
Hahn turns to Mai but before he can ask she answers, "She's going to the chapel to hide for the rest of the dance because she's too embarrassed to call daddy to pick her up but has no desire to stay at any party or event for longer than an hour."
He sits speechless for a moment before nodding at her and getting up.
Mai would advise him not to follow her, but she does not care enough to do that.
Zuko sighs and watches Ty Lee continue dancing with her boyfriend.
"I want to call daddy to pick me up. I should go convince her to ask him," Zuko says, rising and leaving.
Mai throws up a hand and rolls her eyes. She sits at the table for a few moments, sighs, gets up and decides to drive everyone but Ty Lee home.
She hears Hahn scream in shock before she reaches the chapel.
Mai runs inside and sees Azula skittering backwards on her heels. Hahn looks scared by whatever just happened between them.
Before anyone can say a word, Zuko punches Hahn on the nose. The crunch of cartilage rings through the chapel. Hahn stumbles, Zuko grabs him, and shoves him against the wall. Another punch, another punch, another punch. No one helps the guy, even though Mai thinks she probably should say something.
Zuko does not step back until Hahn's back slams against the statue of St. Agnes, and his elbow cracks and contorts.
Azula seizes her brother by the arm and starts running from the scene.
"You are going to get arrested," she hisses. "I was handling that. I was going to walk away and leave him feeling very sad for misreading the situation and trying to comfort me. I don't like being comforted and I don't like being kissed by boys."
Zuko wants to ask about that, but chooses not to do so. He thinks he needs her to keep him out of prison.
"I know," Zuko decides to reply as Azula forces her way through the back doors.
They stand outside in the dark, surrounded by parked cars. No one patrols this area of the school grounds for some reason, which is fortunate.
"It was very entertaining, though. I've seen you get into a few fist fights before, and I think that's the only one you won. He didn't even get a punch in." Azula laughs. Zuko at first stares at her like she is crazy, but her cackle is infectious. "You really should be locked up. You're a danger to society."
"I only beat up assholes who deserve it. Like him." Zuko sighs. "Where did you even meet that jerk?"
A harsh reality dawns on Azula. "I hope you didn't break his leg."
Zuko hums and shakes his head. "Statues are not great for breaking falls."
"He's in The Rite of Spring with me. That's how I met him," Azula slowly explains.
The sound of sirens cuts their conversation short.
[X]
Azula sits beside Zuko in uncomfortable plastic chairs beneath bright fluorescent lights.
"Well, I have to say that going to the police station is much more fun than the dance, and twice as fun as watching My Bloody Valentine with Mai again," Azula honestly remarks.
"Again?" asks Zuko, cocking an eyebrow.
"We watch it every year while Ty Lee goes out with boys," Azula admits, staring at her shoes. It sounds depressing when she says it that way.
"That is the third saddest thing I have heard all day," Zuko remarks, frowning mockingly.
Azula asks, "What are the first two?"
Zuko sighs and holds up two fingers. "The second is our father telling me that my date was out of my league and was probably just going to set me up like Carrie and the first was that I am probably going to be charged with felony assault."
Azula cackles. Zuko finds it to be terribly inappropriate.
"You won't be, though. If you even go to court they'll just let you off for having affluenza or something," Azula cavalierly says, which does not comfort Zuko much.
"What's affluenza?" asks Zuko.
"A mental illness that rich kids get because they feel no sense of purpose or drive to succeed or love from their parents that isn't in the form of presents," Azula prattles off.
Zuko contemplates her words for a few moments before replying, "You-you think that would work?"
"No." Azula scoffs and smirks condescendingly at him. "I think our father is going to pay off his parents and as a thank you for your pathetic chivalry I will tell him the truth about what happened."
Zuko sets his hand over his heart. "That's the nicest thing you've ever done for me."
"Don't get used to it," Azula swiftly retorts.
Their conversation ends when they hear their father's voice informing the clerk, "I'm here to collect Zuko Shinohai."
"Sign here," drones the receptionist.
[X]
Ozai sits in his pure white living room with his children, holding his second cup of brandy in one hand. Zuko is across from him on the edge of the hearth and Azula sits on a sofa between the two men. She has been trying to remedy a situation for once.
"He tried to console me when I was not even upset and then rubbed my shoulder—still trying to comfort me for leaving the dance—and kissed me against my will and then called me a slut and so Zuko beat him up and broke his arms plural on a statue of St. Agnes. Which I don't think is blasphemous in this case because she's the patron saint of slighted virgins and innocent young women." Azula emphasizes the last part, which is remarkably uncomfortable for her brother to hear, but very comforting for an overbearing father.
"Yes. You've said that and I still don't believe you," says Ozai.
"Why would I lie to side with Zuko? I hate him." Azula points at her brother.
Ozai sighs and swirls his drink around. Zuko watches every motion of his hand. "Which is why I don't think he would beat someone up to defend you."
"He had to come live with us for two weeks because he got suspended for defending some girl's honor. I think it's something wrong in his brain," Azula clearly states, leaning forward.
Zuko interrupts for the first time tonight, "It's probably affluenza."
"Shut up, Zuko; I'm handling this." Azula turns back to Ozai. "You would do the same thing, if not worse. Probably worse. You would break his neck."
"And really—" Zuko screams when Ozai throws his drink into the fireplace. "Oh my God. Why are you so angry?"
"Because you are a miserable failure and if I wish I had faked that paternity test so that you legally wouldn't be mine. You should have killed the boy. It isn't as if you'd see any consequences."
Zuko does not know what to say to that.
Chapter Eleven: Bandon Chainsaw Massacre
Azula and Ty Lee stand in front of the disgraced Better Homes and Gardens cover model. Bunny jumps from side to side nervously, squeezing her mother's hand. She scans her surroundings for ferrets.
"Okay, you need Monster and Xanax and probably a lot of cigarettes but I don't endorse or carry those so here." Ty Lee holds out a bottle of soda and a small white pill. "Seriously. It's my family and you really need it."
"Well, I find yours more tolerable than mine. I need four cans and three doses to survive our reunions." Azula pops the pill in her mouth and swallows it with the drink. "Also, sometimes you can be a good secretary. Like right now."
"Do all of your secretaries bring you pills and pop when you need it?" Ty Lee asks, nervously giggling.
"Yes, but you are the one I have chosen to sleep with for more than one night, which makes you the best," says Azula, smirking.
"Thank you," Ty Lee cheerily replies, batting her eyelashes. She then sharply sighs. "Okay, so, speaking of one night stands with girls, you need to be like ultra-wholesome, okay?"
"I am very wholesome," Azula vehemently argues.
Ty Lee shakes her head. "You touched the holy water at St. Peter's and there was the first earthquake New York had seen in years."
"The earthquake was in Virginia; we could just feel it in New York. Some politician probably touched holy water there. Or maybe it was because my parents got married there and I am the unfortunate offspring of such dreadful sin," Azula replies.
Ty Lee rolls her eyes. "Being a terrible match for each other is so not a sin."
"No, I mean that my mom wasn't Catholic, moron," snaps Azula as she reaches forward to knock on the door. Ty Lee stops her. "That's why they had so much trouble finding an officiant."
"Your parents have like a super romantic love story. What went wrong?" asks Ty Lee, batting Bunny away. Her little girl whines.
"I don't know. Wait, so I know ahead of time, what kind of religion should I be?" Azula asks.
"They're very devout protestants," explains Ty Lee, although Azula should know that. They went to Episcopalian school, after all, and so there are only two options.
Azula frowns in thought. "Okay, next question: if I'm being briefed on being appropriate for your deeply conservative family, why are they so okay with… us?"
"Well, they're super against gay marriage, but you're super rich so they've turned a blind eye. Any other questions?" Ty Lee beams.
Azula shrugs and surrenders. "No. That's about it."
Ty Lee knocks on the door.
[X]
Minutes into the party, Bunny tugs on Azula as she stares at the terrifying barbeque. It is not fun rodeo barbeque that her grandfather so dearly loves, nor the Korean kind that is so in vogue. It is something out of a B horror film about rednecks.
She wonders if this is how Ty Lee felt at Christmas in Montana.
Again, Bunny tugs on her soon-to-be stepmother.
"I'm scared of the ferrets. Can we go home?" she wails, blinking back tears.
"I wish. We can go out by the banana tree if you want. It looks like a good hiding place." Azula catches herself. "A good hiding place from the ferrets, of course."
"Yup!" Bunny smiles and bolts for the door.
Azula follows.
[X]
There is an oven in the backyard. It is not a functional oven; it is discarded beside some box of wires and a stained bucket of mystery bottles. It looks like a scene from an apocalypse movie and Azula cannot believe she is marrying into this family.
Their home in Beverly Hills was so beautiful and ordinary. They'd be murdered if they had kitchen equipment in their yard. The gated neighborhood had to be kept pristine.
"I love you, Azula," Bunny says, hugging her future stepmother and nuzzling her head against her left side.
Azula pats the little girl on the head.
"Yes. I will protect you from the ferret infestation. I will try to protect you from the inevitable Texas Chainsaw Massacre reenactment, but to be honest, I would likely save only myself in that situation," Azula smoothly says, releasing Bunny's hand. Bunny snatches her back.
"You'd save me," Bunny insists.
"Oh, shush. The only reason you love me is because I took you to the Toys R Us and let you buy half of the Barbie mansion. That's what love is."
"Okay." Bunny embraces that harsh truth quite easily.
Azula's phone rings before she can put too much thought into it.
[X]
Ty Lee loses track of Azula and Bunny while catching up with her sisters and their families. She finds them outside by the… oven…
She blushes, because she knows what Azula is thinking. It is also what Ty Lee is thinking, but family is family.
When Ty Lee approaches the banana tree, she calls out, "I'm having so much fun and I haven't seen a single ferret all—"
Ty Lee dodges a flying cellphone, shrieking.
"You have done the worst thing you have ever done!" Azula screams, and Bunny cowers. "Worse than your horrible high school betrayal!"
"Wha-what?" Ty Lee recoils.
"You made my grandfather angry at me!"
"I didn't mean to!" Ty Lee's eyes widen. This truly is the worst of transgressions for Azula Shinohai, or the insane brood she comes from. They are way worse than Ty Lee's sisters, or so Ty Lee believes.
"He wants to know why we have celebrated with my father, and my mother's parents, and your family, but not him," Azula snarls.
Ty Lee looks down at the broken phone. This is bad.
"Azula, I've had more celebrating than I can take," she whispers, sinking into the ground.
"Too bad," spits Azula, walking away from the tree to examine her shattered iPhone. "Weddings aren't celebrating love; they are mourning dysfunctional families. And we're mourning mine, okay!"
Ty Lee puts her hands up in surrender.
[X]
That night in New York, Azula and Ty Lee sit in the back of a limo bracing themselves for their continued celebrations.
And argue about Azula forgoing the barbecue, but really.
"I'm not saying it was completely like Deliverance, I'm just saying that city people are afraid of rednecks. My last serious girlfriend's family was in the mafia. I mean, I never asked because I'm not stupid, but her last name was Biondello and her family had owned a Italian restaurant in New York since the '50's, so..." Azula shrugs. "Anyway, I went to her grandmother's eightieth birthday party and it was like I had stepped onto the set of the Godfather. I was very uncomfortable. She told me a story about her grandfather chopping up a guy and feeding his body to the pigs, and, really, I wouldn't put that exact scenario past your sister's husband..."
"Azula. Maybe you're being judgmental and a little bit racist."
"Maybe I'm the only Asian in the movie, so shut up. One time I dated a girl whose family was poor and-"
"You should really cut this off right there, I think."
"And that was the scariest of them all. So, you're easily third on the list of scariest families I've been involved with."
"Speaking of scariest families, we're at our building where your dad sent two Yakuza to escort us to dinner..."
[X]
"You only live in this little penthouse?" Ilah asks, patting Azula's shoulder. Ty Lee squints. "You poor thing."
Azula's home might be huge compared to most of New York City, but it is little when it comes to Azulon and Ilah. They have never shared a bedroom. In fact, they rarely share a house.
"I make it work," Azula sweetly says, showing the grace of a noblewoman and the class of a princess. Ty Lee honestly wishes there was some of that for her family, but her family does not have fortune of Scrooge McDuckian proportions, and Azula values money above all else in life. "Now, I have no idea where you two would like to stay, but me and Ty Lee will accommodate your every need."
"I want the guest room," says Ilah.
"You can have it," Azula warmly replies. Ty Lee has never heard her sound so kind and inviting. "Permanently if you want."
She absolutely does not mean that, but she has to save significant face or Zuko's hippie girlfriend will give her family fortune away to charity. Azula shudders at the thought.
"Where do I stay?" Azulon asks, dropping his luggage in the center of the living room. Bunny flinches, but no one notices. The tension between the adults rivals a Mexican standoff.
"Well, grandfather, you can have our room," Azula generously offers, further forcing her smile. "Ty Lee and I will stay with Bunny."
Azulon grunts. "I don't sleep in beds where people have had sex."
Azula replies, "You're pretty safe with us."
And Ty Lee inquires, "How do you sleep in hotels?"
