"Meredith, aren't you going to tell me what is going on?" Christina caught up with her and quickly matched her stride as they walked out of the locker room, headed for the nurses' station.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Meredith answered nervously.
"Oh. Whatever. I know that something's up. You haven't acted like this since the time that your mom started talking about having sex in the on-call room." Christina looked at her intensely, trying to read her face.
"Who's having sex in the on-call room? I know it wasn't me. Izzy was at my place last night." Alex joined them, easily matching their pace.
"No one. As far as I know. Meredith's acting like she's hiding something, though." She told him suspiciously.
"Meredith, what are you hiding? Are you hiding something?" Derek joined them, coming from behind Meredith and Christina. He flashed a grin and winked at Meredith as she glanced up at him.
"Dr. Shepherd. Hmm. Your hair— looks a little more, something, than usual." Eyes narrowed, Christina scanned him carefully.
"Oh really? I used a different conditioner this morning. Must be the conditioner." He turned to Meredith with a lopsided grin, his eyes sparkling.
Christina slowly turned to face Meredith, eyes widened.
----------
"Good morning, Dr. Bailey," They offered.
"Nothing good about this morning. I was up all night with a hungry baby. Let's just make it through the day, okay? George, you're with Burke today. Yang, you're with the Chief. Karev, you're covering the pit. Stevens, you're with me. And, Grey, you're with Shepherd. Who's on call tonight?" She looked at the group impatiently.
"I am, Dr. Bailey." Meredith answered quietly.
"All right Grey. See you all back here after pre-rounds. Let's move, people!"
----------
"It's McDreamy," Christina demanded.
"What?" Meredith's voice cracked as she tried to seem nonchalant. I never was a good liar.
"Why was McDreamy at your house this morning?"
"I don't know what you're talking about." She averted her gaze, not wanting to look up at her friend.
"Oh, come on Meredith. I went to Stanford. I can put two and two together. Besides, I recognized the smell of your conditioner in his hair! And the way he looked at you…"
"I can't talk about this right now." Meredith shook her head and walked a little faster.
Christina stopped, as Meredith continued down the hall, "What about Justin?"
Meredith stopped, turning back to answer, "Christina, I can't talk about this right now!"
"Okay! Whatever. See you for lunch?"
"I'll be in the OR all day."
----------
She stood at the scrub sink, watching as he helped position the patient.
He gets me. He's hurt me in the past year. A lot. But he gets me. And he's wonderful. And talented. She watched with pride as he finished shaving the patient's head, readying it for the nurse to do the surgical prep. He soon exited the OR suite, joining her as she scrubbed her hands.
"Last night was amazing, Mere." He looked at her, his penetrating gaze stirring her defenses.
"Funny, I don't remember much about last night." She smiled.
"Really?"
"Well—except that it was really great," she said, smiling again weakly.
"I know! That was all I was saying," he said, excitedly. "What are you doing tonight?"
"I have a boyfriend," she pointed out. "Remember that? Last night was bad."
"It was good," he grinned, laughing.
"It was bad," she said forcefully, "Anyway, I'm on-call tonight."
"Well, that's good for me," he smiled, "because I know where you work."
----------
The day passed very quickly. They had three long cases in the OR, they rounded twice on their post-op patients, and the shift was over.
Two hours later, Meredith sat at a table in the cafeteria. Alone.
She hadn't been getting paged much to the ER. She had a couple of patients who needed sutures earlier, but that was about it.
Justin had called, wanting to know how her day had been. Justin. She really didn't deserve him. He'd been nothing but sweet and patient with her throughout their relationship thus far. She wondered how sweet and patient he'd be if he ever found out what she'd done. And she hated the fact that she was now keeping secrets from him.
The solace was nice. The cafeteria was bustling with people, yet she sat at her table enjoying the fact that there was no one needing her, talking to her, or making demands. Time to think. And she needed to do a lot of thinking. She stared at the salad on her plate, pushing it around with her fork. What do I want?
Do I love Justin more than I loved Derek?
Do I love Derek as much as I loved Derek?
"You look deep in thought." Derek.
"What are you still doing here?" She asked.
"Looking for you," he grinned, pulling up a chair beside her. "What are you thinking about that has you looking so serious?"
He smiled as her rosy cheeks turned a deeper shade of pink.
"Oh. So what are you going to do?" His expression was serious now, and tipping his head, he gazed into her eyes.
"About Justin?" She asked, sighing.
"Yeah."
"I don't know. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to be a liar either," she looked down, playing with her fork. I'll be a liar if I continue thinking that I could ever live without you. "I never thought I'd be a cheater."
"Meredith—"
"Every part of this is painful. Not having you was painful. Having you back will cause pain too," her eyes welled with tears, "Why does this all have to be so hard?"
"I'm so sorry, Meredith," he whispered, reaching to put his arm around her shoulders. "You've been through so much this past year. I'm sorry that I've been another cause of heartache in your life." He smoothed her hair, tucking it behind her ears.
She wept, giving in as he comforted her. She cried for all of the hardship that she'd endured in the last couple of years, for what she'd just done to Justin, and what she was about to do.
She stood up, grabbing his hand and led him out of the cafeteria. As she pulled him into the on-call room and locked the door, she never noticed Justin standing in the hallway behind them or the stricken look on his face.
