Chapter Twenty-One: Dancing with the Devil


In Portland, Azula sits at a McMenamins brewery restaurant with her brother, best friend, girlfriend, mother, and uncle. She cannot imagine a worse situation to be in.

Ursa takes a sip of her ice water with lemon and inquires, "So, Ty Lee, do you have plans for college?"

Azula averts her eyes. She cannot stomach the fact that she somehow got herself into this situation. There must have been a way to avoid this dinner party from Hell.

Ty Lee clears her throat nervously before answering in a partially stilted tone, "I, uh, I really wanna be a dancer so I think maybe NYU would be good." She takes a slow breath, encouraged by the intrigued and positive expression on Azula's mother's delicate face. When she continues, she sounds far more confident. "I'm a good dancer, but not Juliard good. NYU, though? They based Fame on that school."

Azula holds back a sigh of relief; she can once more breathe after Ty Lee gave a halfway decent answer to that question. Most of the time Ty Lee replies to it by saying she would rather spend the exorbitant tuition money on a tropical vacation and a good manicure.

Iroh says with a bright smile, "Art is underrated in our society. I think it is wonderful that you want to bring beauty and happiness into the world through dancing."

Azula rolls her eyes in response. Could her Uncle be more frustrating? No.

"Thanks," Ty Lee says with a bright, cheery smile.

Azula adores Ty Lee and is glad to own her, however, Iroh's approval certainly takes away points. Ursa better hate Ty Lee by the end of the night or Azula might have to break up with her.

Ursa and Iroh turn their attention to Mai, as if to avoid Azula's cruel glare. Maybe they are.

"So, Mai, is there anything I should know about my son's girlfriend? He really likes you," Ursa inquires prettily, making Azula feel rather sick. She loses her appetite and merely plays with her food rather than eating any of it.

Mai dryly declares, "I hate cooking, I hate cleaning, I hate charity events, I hate kids, I hate Christmas, I hate admitting I'm wrong. You don't want me to ever marry your son. Trust me."

Ursa blinks. "Oh."

Iroh says so self-righteously that it makes Azula want to commit murder, "Loving him is the only important thing, not cooking or cleaning or any grandchildren. Why would we find any of those things truly important?"

Azula pointedly clears her throat and interjects, "Because you're a sexist."

Iroh drops his fork to the floor, aghast. "How?"

Seizing her chance, Azula dives into one of her favorite angry stories about her Uncle. She has waited to use this one for a very long time. "My brother and I both wanted Swiss Army Knives and you got him one and just got me Barbies. When confronted you said you had to protect me from the world and I have always known that it's because you infantilize an entire gender."

Iroh chuckles. Azula clenches her fists underneath the shadows of the table. "I didn't not give you a knife because you're a girl; I didn't give you a knife because you were a sociopath. I was protecting the world from you, not you from the world."

"Oh." Azula cannot help but smile, a little flattered by that impression of her.

The awkward dinner continues from there.

[X]

That night, after dinner, Azula slips out of her bedroom and into the hallway during her quest to the kitchen to raid Iroh's hidden stash of candy and to simultaneously snag a bottle of water. And, lo and behold, she finds a girl in all black creeping through the shadows as if no one could notice her luminescent skin in the pale moonlight that pours through the upstairs windows.

Azula's stomach churns. "Please for the love of God tell me you are not sneaking into ZuZu's room."

Mai jumps, startled, and then turns to Azula. "Okay, I'm not sneaking into Zuko's room."

"You are, aren't you?" Azula sighs and melodramatically rubs her temples.

"Of course I am. I miss the kid when he's not staying with your dad," admits Mai, turning up her palms in an uncanny imitation of an emoji Azula quite loathes.

A gravelly dry male voice from the dark doorway interrupts, "You're the only reason I even go stay with him in the first place."

"Zuko?" Azula demands, narrowing her eyes into vicious smoldering golden slits on a bright red face.

"What? I'm up gaming and you two are talking right outside of my door."

"Mai isn't the reason you stay with us." She shifts into a mocking tone. "Daddy, daddy please love me."

"So," says Zuko, ignoring Azula, "Come on in, Mai."

Mai turns to Azula. "We're having a quick slam session, I'll be your best friend again in the morning."

Azula cringes and shudders. "Oh my God. Why would you say that?"

Ty Lee pops her head into the hallway and sweetly whines with a flutter of her curly eyelashes, "Why aren't we having a quick slam session?"

"Is it called a slam session with lesbians?" Mai dryly asks, lightly cocking an eyebrow.

Azula clearly, crisply and utterly regally explains, "Because we're classier than that, Ty Lee. And, I suppose it can be depending on how you view the term, Mai."

"I don't want to view the term." Pause. "Goodnight."

Azula smirks and slowly shakes her head as Mai vanishes into Zuko's room.

Thank God the adults sleep downstairs on the other side of this trashy Extreme Hoarders mansion.

Still, Azula thinks she can wake them up to get her brother in suitable trouble. She holds one finger up to her lips in the direction of Ty Lee and then tiptoes down the stairs.

Before she reaches the master bedroom, she finds her mother in the television room.

Ursa sits on the sofa, halfway asleep with a glass of wine. Azula creeps up to her, ready to shake her awake, but her mother sits up and focuses on her daughter in an instant.

Her mother gets straight to the point just like her second husband and only son. "You should go to school for dance like Ty Lee. You move like shadows from a candle flame. It's beautiful and you're remarkably gifted."

Azula sneers in response. "I don't want to dance. I want the Shinohai Empire."

And Azula's mother dares to ask, "But will it make you happy?"

Azula huffs. "Happiness is for ordinary people. I am extraordinary. I was born with greatness flowing through my veins."

She tilts her head to the side, waiting for an argument.

As expected, she does not receive one.

After saying bluntly, "Zuko is having sex with Mai upstairs," Azula walks away.

[X]

Azula sits at the bottom of the stairs after a night of misery. The sun begins to rise over the Street of Dreams as Azula stares blankly at the wall.

A loud, girlish yawn behind her makes her jump. Ty Lee mutters an apology under her breath and then sits down beside Azula on the steps.

"Nightmares?" Ty Lee chirps, all too happy for this hour of the morning.

"Yeah," Azula admits.

Quietly, with warm kindness in her chestnut eyes, Ty Lee suggests, "You should try amethyst crystal."

"What?" Azula cocks an eyebrow.

Ty Lee softly sets her hand on top of Azula's. They stand like that in silence for a few moments before Ty Lee explains, "If you set amethyst crystal beside your bed it makes nightmares go away."

Azula shrugs it off and faintly laughs. "That sounds ridiculous."

"Oh." Pause. "Do you know why you're having nightmares? You always seem too strong to have bad dreams."

Azula remains silent for a long time. Ty Lee squirms, terrified of what the response will be.

But Azula says nothing cruel nor heartbreaking. Instead, she coldly explains to her girlfriend, "We all have pain that we hide, Ty Lee. Pain that we're just not ready to show to the world." Azula sighs and sets her chin on the palm of her hand, leaning deeper on the table. "And I am never ready to show my pain to the world."

Ty Lee's heart becomes a hummingbird's set of wings as she decides to do something daring and ask, "Are you ready to share it with me?"

Azula hesitates, thinking for a few moments.

At last, she shakes her head.

"No."

[X]

Later that day, "I don't need anyone's help!" argues Zuko, so loudly that Azula cannot help but overhear.

She steps into the kitchen and sees him in the middle of an argument with Iroh. How fascinating. Azula did not know her Uncle was capable of enduring an argument with the angriest teenage boy to ever live. A sensible, proud, reasonable man like Ozai would have just punched Zuko in the face long before the fight escalated this far. Then Zuko would have punched them and next thing you know, the entire room would be destroyed.

Iroh says, so calmly that even Azula becomes agitated, "Schools will accept you if you put the effort into it. We have money; we just need you to show them-"

"What's this?" Azula inquires, tapping her long, sharp nails on the door frame.

"Do not tell her, Uncle!" shouts Zuko, punching the table. Crack. Iroh ignores it, to Azula's utter bewilderment.

"Your brother was rejected from all of the colleges he applied to," Iroh explains softly.

Azula scoffs and then laughs. Zuko grinds his teeth, fists clenched and ready to swing. "A Shinohai was rejected from every college he applied to?"

Iroh continues, ignoring his livid nephew, "We're trying to send out some new applications and to send portfolios to the other schools that waitlisted him."

"I could help," suggests Azula. "I'm great at this kind of thing."

"Begging for scraps?" huffs Zuko.

"You must admit I am good at getting what I want from people. I also go to college prep school where they teach us how to handle such depressing situations as these."

"Your sister is making you a kind offer," says Iroh.

Zuko turns to his uncle and demands, "Yeah, but what does she get out of it?"

Azula purrs, batting her eyelashes, "The satisfaction of helping a family member in need."

Zuko just stares.

[X]

The door ajar, Mai and Zuko argue in his bedroom mere minutes later.

"Azula is offering to help you. She's a terrible person and probably has ulterior motives but why won't you let her help?" Mai asks, sounding eerily passionate about this. It makes no sense to her boyfriend.

"Because she's the devil and you don't dance with the devil. And also in Azula's case because she has no rhythm and her hands are like tiny little rat claws," says Zuko with great gusto, waving his hands about as he speaks as if this were the end of the world.

Mai states coolly, "She's a prima ballerina of a prestigious Los Angeles company."

"Yeah, but have you ever seen her at a dance or party?"

"Good point." Mai nods twice.

Zuko then starts yet another fight. "You need to stop choosing her over me."

"Okay, the only time I'd choose you over her is if she was literally going to kill one of us, which, I mean, probably will happen eventually."

"That's… a terrible thought."

"Look, I've danced with her before at ballet rehearsal and shows and whatever. And, honestly, it felt like we were on fire, like flames radiated from perfect twists and turns. So, it is dancing with the devil. But I'm a terrible person, so I don't mind dancing with the devil."

"Are you in love with her?"

"No. I'm straight as an arrow."

"You've never talked that poetically about me."

"You have more insecurity than every man who was ever featured on MTV put together."

"Okay, don't be a bitch."

"I'll stop being a bitch when you set aside your stupid family problems and accept Azula's help. You need to get into college, Zuko."

"I thought the family fortune would get me into college. Isn't that how it's supposed to work?"

Mai sets her hand on Zuko's chest. "Yes. I honestly don't know why you're so fucking unlucky. But as your girlfriend, I need you to accept Azula's offer."

"You could do it. You go to the same school as her. You get what you want most of the time."

"Zuko, I'm not good at that kind of thing and I don't have the patience. Just because I want you to get help doesn't mean I want to give it."

"Ty Lee likes giving help," Zuko suggests, his voice shrinking as he hears himself.

Mai hollowly laughs, a mocking gleam in her dark amber eyes. "Ty Lee is more likely to find Atlantis than get into college."

Just at that moment, Ty Lee pops inside and asks, "Who wants alcohol?"

Mai and Zuko both slowly raise their hands.

[X]

A few minutes later, in the guest room allotted to Mai, "I'm going to help you pick out something cute," says Ty Lee. "You're clubbing with Zuko for the first time. Don't you want to look beautiful?"

"Uh…"

"Let's show off your legs. You have nice legs. And, uh, maybe a turtleneck to hide your weird shoulders?"

"Okay, weird shoulders comment aside," says Mai, shoving the pink miniskirt back into Ty Lee's hands, "I'm taking this over. I'm going to wear a leather jacket and some sexy jeans. I'm not wearing anything you suggest."

"Why?" Ty Lee pouts.

"Because you don't have a sense of style and I do. I mean, for you… you have a sense of style in a kind of… whorish I don't have self esteem kind of way."

Ty Lee scowls.

[X]

An hour later, Zuko leads the three younger girls to his personal favorite club in downtown Portland. They bypass the line, thanks to three immensely hot chicks and an excess of cash. The bouncer stands with a stamp. Zuko hands him a chunk of money as the quartet displays their fake IDs.

"Please don't stamp us. We don't want our relatives to know we were out." Zuko gives a wink and the bartender happily accepts the bribe, allowing them in.

They pocket their IDs until they pass through chunks of sweaty, smelly, sexy dancers and stand in line at the bar, waiting for the two groups ahead of them to get drinks.

Azula croons with a twisted grin of malicious mirth, "ZuZu, I have never seen you do something smooth before. Bribing someone without making an utter fool of your awkward teenage ass. I'm impressed."

Zuko just grinds his teeth. "I have some decent qualities. And you're more awkward than me. Trust me."

They reach the bartender before anyone can argue. Azula and Zuko just drop it, as they are apt to do.

"I want a Fireball with Coke," Azula requests, prioritizing herself over her companions, eyes viciously boring into the poor innocent bartender with a man bun and a sweaty rotund face. "Heavy on the Fireball, and light on the Coke. Oh, and two shots of Mezcal on the side."

"Your confidence is so amazing, princess," Ty Lee whispers, kissing Azula softly on the neck. She leaves traces of hot pink lipstick on Azula's silky smooth ivory skin. She turns to the manbun bartender. "I'd like a vodka with Sprite, please!"

"Three shots of Jack," Mai asks, casually holding up three pallid fingers.

"I'll take a tequila on the rocks," requests Zuko.

They all receive their drinks and toss cash in the bartender's direction before heading out onto the neon floor.

[X]

Sitting at the club, while Ty Lee forces Mai to dance, Zuko and Azula sit at the table the gang snagged a few minutes ago. Zuko whips out his phone and opens his note application. Azula takes a sip from her drink. She did not think he would be so enthusiastic about this.

Azula inhales the neon smoke and leans back. The chiaroscuro of the flashing strobe lights on her face makes her look even more like the devil with whom Zuko is dealing.

"Okay, my required essay question for this school is about inventing. It asks me if I could invent anything what would it be and to talk about my inspiration for the invention. Since my ideas obviously suck enough to even reject Shinohai money, what would you do?" Each word pains Zuko more than the last.

Azula pauses to ponder and then decides, "If I was an inventor, I would make a fire extinguisher that shoots more fire."

Zuko growls under his breath, "What would be the point of that?"

"It's funny," Azula says, as if anyone would make that assumption.

Before Zuko can point out that utter madness and sadism, Ty Lee drunkenly wraps her arms around Azula and says with a little too much gusto, "I love your eyes and your lips and your mind and your icy heart and your sexy body and your cherry chapstick."

"Her what?" Zuko scrunches up his face in thought. Mai silently chokes on her drink and spits it into the cup without either her friends nor her boyfriend noticing.

Azula almost jumps out of her seat from terror. Zuko would laugh if he were not concerned about what Ty Lee might mean that would unnerve his sister so deeply.

"Don't tell him; he's my brother," icily orders Azula, glaring at her girlfriend. Ty Lee flinches. Good.

Yet, Ty Lee leans in and stage whispers to Zuko, "It's very sexual so Azu-Azula doesn't, doesn't want me to explain."

"And you always listen to Azula?" Mai challenges.

Ty Lee points at her viciously, swaying in her six inch heels. "Y-yeah. Just like y-y-you."

Mai shrugs. Okay, the drunk chick has a point there. Mai is humble enough to silently admit that and return to the bar to snag herself another drink.

"A cherry chapstick," dryly and casually declares Mai, sitting down, "is slang for a woman's clitoris when she has had a fuckton of orgasms."

Zuko blanches and looks incredibly ill. Azula cringes and averts her eyes. Ty Lee giggles uncontrollably. Too much vodka and Sprite. Definitely too much vodka and Sprite for this teeny ballerina.

"Gives Katy Perry's song a new meaning, don't it?" Azula purrs, looking away from her brother as she speaks. She watches Ty Lee's provocative dance and clenches her fists. Finally, Azula gets up, shoves two grown frat boys out of the way and grinds against her girlfriend.

They dance for hours, until Azula winds down and sits across from her brother again, working on a legitimate invention. Mai texts and drinks. Ty Lee dances on a table.

"This night is honestly quite disappointing," admits Azula, although Ty Lee's lipstick all over her body and the liquor on her breath tell a different story.

Zuko looks over his shoulder at his sister's girlfriend. "Well, Ty Lee's having fun."

Azula turns to Zuko and coolly laments, "Every girl who dances on the table thinks she's the life of the party, but really she's just dancing alone."

The only response Azula receives is her brother's frown.

[X]

The kids hop the mansion fence when they get home. They full intend to sneak in the back door, but Ty Lee run towards the pool, Azula and Zuko take off after her, and Mai sighs, pursuing them at a slow, leisurely pace.

"Guys," hisses Mai, already sick of the mom role, "you shouldn't swim while so drunk."

"People do it on-on-o-on spring break and st-stuff," says Ty Lee, hopping into the pool. Just as she hits the water, Zuko hits the disco pool lights and it erupts in neon colors.

"Vegas," is all Azula says before diving in fully clothed. Ty Lee wraps her arms around Azula as she surfaces and there they are, united in the water.

Zuko turns to his girlfriend. "MTV shows," and he follows his sister and her girlfriend into the rainbow water.

Mai sighs and sits down at the edge of the steps leading into the pool. She gets her feet wet to soothe them from dancing in her horrible heels she hates. But no one could make her swim in the middle of the fucking night while rain drizzles from above.

Zuko swims to the edge of the swimming pool stairs and lingers there with his girlfriend. Azula drifts out towards the deep end, and Ty Lee, loyal to the core, follows her there. She would follow her out away from safe shores even if this were the ocean and not a stone swimming pool in the suburbs.

Ty Lee, at this moment, thinks there is nothing in the world sexier than Azula undoing her heels while trying to stay above water in the deep end. It probably would not be pretty to any sober eyes, but Ty Lee loves everything about the girl in front of her.

"Marry me someday, please," Ty Lee begs.

Azula surfaces, letting her final heel sink to the bottom of the swimming pool.

"Okay." Azula shrugs.

She swims forward and kisses Ty Lee fiercely on the lips.

[X]

The dwindling summer days pass slowly, each second pulsing like an aching bruise. Ursa asks for Azula to stay until she has to go back to school in Los Angeles. Azula only agrees because Ty Lee can stay in the same house as her instead of being forbidden to be within ten feet of her. Mai lingers to bang Zuko and hang with her two best friends on the Street of Dreams. It should be an ideal end of the summertime, but Azula only spirals in secret.

But Azula wants to have a fire inside of her like she used to. She can tell she is getting bad again. Her demons have started to scream louder and louder, more and more each day. It makes no sense. She is wealthy and intelligent and talented. She has a gorgeous girlfriend. A family she loathes but a family that supports her.

And so, she cannot tell anyone how she feels. No one would listen.

For most of this summer, she has been tired of feeling blue. She has been angry at her cold heart despite cherishing that icy selfishness for most of her life. Being in a relationship made her frigid narcissism a problem instead of a benefit. She spent days and days and nights and nights of her summer wishing she were not blue anymore.

But now she wants to be blue. Blue and cold. Blue lips and blue veins. She wants to be blue. Soon she will be blue. They will bury her in a white dress. They will realize how truly grand she was as they cry, wounded. She will find peace and quiet in a deep grave.

Her life is hers to take and hers to keep.

Azula once told Mai and Ty Lee there were only two options for her. She would either one day inherit the Shinohai Empire and die the most successful business empress in history, surrounded by jealous and greedy descendants. Or she would die young and leave a beautiful corpse.

"That's immortality, my darlings," she said to them that day while applying sunscreen to her ivory arms.

One morning, Zuko wakes up his sister by attacking her with a super soaker. She almost claws his eyes out, and confiscates one of the pistols after he sprays her with it. She sprays him in the eyes, Ty Lee punches him in the gut, drenched, hard nipples visible through her drenched nightshirt. Mai suppresses laughter and tries to remain cold.

Azula sits, that afternoon, while Ty Lee and Mai play video games and Zuko goes out to make a drug deal. She stares at the lime green super soaker pistol and wonders what she would have done even hours ago if it were a real gun.

She rummages under her bed and pulls out the strawberry vodka. Smirking at her own brilliant plan, she pours the flavored alcohol into the super soaker. She thinks about running downstairs to spray Ty Lee and Mai with it like some kind of pornography video, but then, as she returns the vodka to the hiding place under her bed, her hands graze against the plastic baggie full of pills she has been slowly saving up in case her craving for suicide becomes more than just an intrusive thought and she wants to take action.

Azula stares at the collection of tablets and capsules, a rainbow of colors sitting masked in plastic on her lap. She takes a few in her hand and pops them into her mouth.

Azula touches the squirt gun to her lips and injects the beautiful, bitter, bracing vodka right into herself. Her eyes lull slightly. With the help of the drink, she swallows the pills.

She does it again. And again. And again. And again, until the plastic bag of suicide pills is empty.

Azula expects to feel sadness, remorse, panic. Instead, she feels relieved, purely happy and relieved.

She takes Snapchat pics with flattering filters. Azula does not bother making a note because there is no reason. There is no reason she wants to be dead other than the fact that life hurts too much to keep waking up every morning, life aches too much to go home and go to school and pretend that she is okay every single day of her life.

She squirts the last of the vodka into her mouth and then lies down, smiling faintly and gazing up at the ceiling.

[X]

When sent to invite her to dinner, Zuko finds her lifeless body lying on her bed and his muscles tense.

"Azula…" A feeling in his gut tells him that something is wrong. He steps forward and shakes her but she does not wake.

Silence.

"Azula, don't play with me like this."

Silence.

"Azula, you heartless bitch, wake up."

She doesn't.

[X]

An ambulance ride and a few hours later, in a lavish hospital room, "This is your fault," snarls Ozai. "This is absolutely your fault. She spent time with you and your delinquent friends and now-now… She's the most promising person I've met in my entire life as a businessman, with a bright future, and she might die because of you."

"Mother!" shouts Zuko, face reddening.

Ursa hesitates. "I agree with your father."

"What the fuck?"

"Language," Iroh quietly chides.

Zuko has never seen his father like this. He has seen Ozai enraged, breaking everything within reach. He looks… scared.

"I'm scared too!" shouts Zuko. "I'm scared too! I love her! She's crazy and I hate her most of the time but I love her and I couldn't bear it if she-if she ever got hurt worse than a scrape because of me!"

Ozai moves forward and in a flash punches his own son in the face. Iroh grabs him, and that starts and Ty Lee jumps into Zuko's arms, terrified.

"Fucking stop!" is Mai's shout. A quiet, reserved girl screaming like that in public shuts up absolutely everyone, and their eyes all fixate on her. "I don't think this was recreational. I've been kinda worried about her. She's… I think she did this on purpose, okay? I think…"

"My daughter is not suicidal," growls Ozai, golden eyes smoldering with utter rage.

"Tell yourself that. I don't care," says Mai, fearlessly meeting his gaze. "I'm going to make sure the doctor knows that she's been suicidal for months, whether any of you like it or not."

"Mai, don't," Ty Lee begs. "They'll, like, take her somewhere scary like Radley from Pretty Little Liars."

"They'll take her somewhere expensive with spa treatments; she comes from the richest family in the world."

"Please stop talking about me like I'm not here."

"Azula!" shout five voices in varying tones.

"I lived, bitch," she whispers, holding out her hand. Her mother grabs it and Azula starts sitting up. "I was reaching for my girlfriend. Why-I think you have overestimated our relationship."

Ty Lee replaces Ursa in an instant, with zero regard for the woman's feelings. "I'm here, princess."

"I think we're over," breathes Azula. "I think we need to be over. This was… so much because of you."

"What?" Ty Lee whispers.

"I'm breaking up with you," groggily croaks Azula, shaking her head at her girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend.

Silence.


Chapter Twenty-One: A Homeless Magician


Bunny's father, a no good orange-tinted clown, walks into the penthouse uninvited. Ty Lee takes a few steps back while Azula simultaneously takes a few steps forward.

"Forgive me if I don't want to shake your hand," icily purrs Azula, "but I would rather not get cheap bronzer on me."

"I…" Ty Lee interjects, trailing off when she realizes this is not a battle in which she wants to partake.

"I have no idea who you think you're fooling with that twenty-dollar suit. You look like a homeless magician," says Azula coldly. Ty Lee winces as if something were thrown at her. "After I sent the Yakuza to rough you up, I expected you to stay away from my wife and daughter."

"I've gotten it together. I really have. I got snapped into shape and signed up for the police academy and I'm doing… I'm doing well, okay? I'm on the other side of the law now." He offers a smile. Someone massacred his teeth with a subpar bleaching. Azula grimaces at the sight of it.

"Yes," Azula snarls, "because a man who spends his days breaking up tanning salon brawls can compare to my work as the Queen of the Shinohai Empire."

"I'm not asking for Ty Lee back." Vin defensively waves his hands in front of him. "I know you two are married now; I see the tabloids at the grocery store."

"While picking up your hot pockets, pop tarts and cheap beer?" quips Azula.

"Azula, please…" whispers Ty Lee, earning herself a vicious glare from her wife. "You don't need to be jealous of this sleazeball."

"That's the thing, I'm not a sleazeball anymore. I sold Circus," enthusiastically explains Vin, as if it will make any difference. It, of course, falls on deaf ears. "I went to rehab."

"So, Vin, what exactly do you hope to gain from this sad attempt?" Azula demands, setting her hands on her hips. She somehow looks even more terrifying that way.

"I want to meet my daughter," begs the miscreant. "I want to get to know her. And I wanna make amends."

The footsteps approaching at first terrify Azula and Ty Lee; they think they might have to explain this to Bunny. But, instead, it is Aang and Toph approaching to find out what the fuss is about.

"Who's this guy? He sounds like a total douche."

"Toph," squeaks Aang, burying his face in his hands.

"This is my ex-fiancée, Vin. He's Bunny's dad."

"I AM BUNNY'S DAD!" Azula shrieks. Aang recoils, Ty Lee flinches, Toph laughs.

"Uh…" Vin stares blankly.

"Let's go talk outside, Vinny," Ty Lee weakly offers.

Azula crosses her arms as her wife steps out of the penthouse with her ex.

She does what she always does in such dire times as these; she calls her father.

"Is there anything I can do to deal with the situation?" asks Ozai after Azula explains.

"I doubt it. I can handle him. I can keep him away from Bunny."

"If you think so. She is my granddaughter."

"I am aware. And I have this situation entirely under control."

"I'm more worried about this guy Ty Lee was going to marry getting in her life. You can't trust them around each other."

"Ty Lee and I have been married for over a year. She is devoted to me."

"Call everyone in her contact list, even ones you don't expect. I had your mother saved as 'Vito's Pizzeria' in my address book until we were married for two entire years."

"What?"

"When we first met I was nailing this bird from the airport and I had to disguise your mother's name in my business rolodex. It was harder to update things back then, before iPhones."

While examining her sharp fingernails, Azula casually remarks, "You could've just added a new index card."

"It was a power move. Don't say you wouldn't do the same. Just… keep an eye on your girl."

Azula looks out onto the balcony. "Yeah," she says. "Yeah, I will."

Ozai hangs up.

[X]

Bunny gets in trouble at school the next day. Azula entirely and completely blames Vin and his sudden appearance. No one told Bunny about it, but she could have found out in any way. Penthouses are ample in size, but not enough to completely drown out the conversations held last night in hushed voices.

"I was a scary fucking kid. She gets it from me," says Azula, in response to the threat Bunny made to steal a girl's teeth before pushing her off of the jungle gym.

"She's not related to you," says Ty Lee very slowly, sounding it out as if she is uncertain.

"I raised her more than that sleazy son of a bitch ever did."

"True." pause. "But I mean maybe we shouldn't have let her play so many violent video games."

"Oh come on. People say video games make you violent but we used to burn witches and brutally enslave entire cultures so maybe humans are just trash."

Ty Lee huffs. "Bunny is not trash."

"Bunny is a human, as far as I know. Therefore, Bunny is trash, just like you and me and everyone else on this planet."

Ty Lee frowns for a flicker of a second before overcorrecting with an oddly wide and ill-timed smile. "That's pretty misanthropic."

"It is." Pause. "And big word for you, Ty Lee. I'm impressed."

Ty Lee beams and curtsies. "I've been working on expanding my vocabulary."

"I am proud of you." Azula sets one hand on Ty Lee's shoulder and walks away.

Ty Lee stares after her, wondering if they resolved anything at all with this parent to parent conversation.

[X]

The next day, Azula and Mai sit outside of a tiny but exclusive brunch hotspot. The Prada sunglasses and priceless purses and gossiping women cannot compare to the dark cloud of energy surrounding a table that would fit a Tarantino film better than a Sex and the City episode.

Mai flew across the country at the behest of her husband. To Azula's delight, this unexpected and unwanted guest prefers staying in hotels so she can have plenty of space to herself. It is wonderfully refreshing compared to the constant drama caused by having Aang and Toph in the penthouse.

"So, she's been spending time with Vin?" Mai asks, downing the last of her second mimosa.

Azula grinds her teeth and sets down her espresso beverage. "No. She hasn't. She's just been having angry phone calls with him every single day because he keeps insisting on rebuilding his relationship with Bunny. It's taking a toll on the kid. She's smart; she can tell what's going on. I could when my parents were divorcing. None of this is about Vin and Ty Lee; it's about Vin and Bunny. I can't imagine Ty Lee ever going back to him. Not after she has had me."

"You people are a weirdly trusting family for such psychos five minutes away from being institutionalized or going on a killing spree at all times."

"My father never gets jealous?" That does not sound much like him, in Azula's opinion.

"Ozai knows I'd never cheat. I don't have the ambition."

"My concern is not with Ty Lee and Vin romantically. My concern is for my daughter. My concern is about the Sixteen and Pregnant episode perpetually on in my living room. My life is stressful right now and I don't need anyone else complicating it with his delusions of parental rights."

"I think that's why your dad wanted me to come here."

"And you listened?"

"I would've crashed the car even if I was sober. I want to make that clear."

"What?"

"I crashed the car he got me for my birthday and so I can't really say no to anything until he forgets about it."

Azula turns up her palms in confusion. "Don't drive drunk then."

"That's ridiculous and absurd. Some people drive better when they're drunk. I mean, when I'm driving sober I'm not paying attention. I'm texting, I'm listening to loud music, I'm trying to light a cigarette, I'm on Instagram or whatever. When I'm drunk, I'm completely focused on the road and following all of those stupid driving rules so that I don't get caught."

"You are almost as despicable as I am."

"That's why we're such good friends."

They order more mimosas.

[X]

"What is this?" Azula flatly demands as she enters her penthouse, Mai at her side.

It no longer looks like her crisp cold home with warm fiery colors. It looks like the den of a dollar store fortune teller. Complete with tacky music from an old baby sleep machine and two yoga mats facing each other on the floor.

"You're stressed," says Ty Lee. "Oh!" She runs over and hugs Mai tightly. "I'm so happy to see you!" She turns to Azula. "Anyway, you're stressed."

"I can't imagine why," Azula says before gently biting her tongue. She has decided to be less vicious about Aang and Toph until the Vin situation goes away.

Ty Lee begs, hands clasped together, "I really wanna help you, if you'll let me."

"I… we'll see," Azula says, admittedly a little won over by those big Bambi eyes.

"I'm going to calm you down like so well, except I'm all out of incense so we're going to replace that with Snooki brand perfume." Ty Lee picks up the purple cheetah print bottle and starts liberally spraying it around the room. Azula coughs three times and tries not to breathe too much of the strong scent in. "Mai, you should participate."

"I would rather die," says Mai, sitting down on the counter to watch this debacle in the making.

"Oh my God," whispers Azula after her coughing fit ends, wondering what the Hell she got herself into by marrying this woman. "Ty Lee…"

Moments before intending to put a stop to this - and Ty Lee would, of course, as always, obey her - Bunny walks into the room, rubbing her protuberant eyes.

"Toph and Aang are gone and I'm bored and I want to do yoga too," Bunny says, lower jaw jutting out as she pouts.

Azula sighs. "Come on over."

That child is a horrific brand of knock-off Kryptonite and Azula should have run as soon as she started caring about her tiny little family of three.

Ty Lee hands Azula a necklace with… stones on it. It certainly was not purchased at Tiffany's or even somewhere half as nice. Rave Kandi looks to be of a higher class than this garbage.

Azula stifles her cruel comments when she sees Bunny. "Oh. Rocks."

"These are crystals," explains Ty Lee. "They've been infused with my energy to help you feel better."

Mai makes a sound that is too much like laughter for Azula's liking.

"Don't you dare mock my woman, as ridiculous as her new age beliefs may be."

"I'm not mocking your woman," drawls Mai. "Relax."

"Azula, if I may, I would really, really like to balance your chakras. It will help you overcome your stress and stuff."

"I've been doing fine with Candy Crush, you know," Azula frigidly says, casting occasional glances in Bunny's direction. The child is pretending to meditate with the crystals. "It's more addictive than a whore's navel cocaine and really helps me stop thinking about what a nightmare my life is. I don't need to balance my chakras."

"We don't have to," says Ty Lee.

Azula sighs.

"We will," she relents. "But you will owe me."

"Always." Ty Lee smiles. "I'm forever your slave, my love."

"Ew," Mai interjects flatly.

Azula seizes control of this ridiculous yoga practice, but does not put a stop to it, because so help her, she is not going to make Vin seem like a good option for Bunny's father figure.

[X]

Azula strides towards her office with Aang at her side. Ty Lee forced Toph to go to a spa, which sounds like it will be absolutely hilarious since Azula does not believe the girl has even had a shower since moving in. And now, Azula moves in for the kill, getting these dumbass kids onto their feet one small move at a time.

"Can I know the surprise yet?" begs Aang.

"I decided to give you a job. It is what I did for your cousin. She was a terrible secretary. I sincerely hope you will be better than her. Welcome to the Shinohai Empire. If it exists; we own it."

"No interview or anything?"

Azula menacingly pivots to face her cousin in law. "Do you want me to give you an interview?"

"I like things to be fair. If you have any questions…"

"Ugh. Fine. Only because I love Ty Lee and no longer want you in my home." Azula thinks for a moment. "If you had to fuck a guy, if your life depended on it, who would you fuck?"

"Uh, Elvis. I guess I'd sleep with Elvis," says Aang nervously.

"Decent choice," Azula purrs, hoping her confidence will fool the poor kid. It does. A kid who is too afraid to say fuck. No wonder Ty Lee pities the poor soul. "Alright, you have the job."

"Are you sure?"

"I am offering you, an underage boy a job. I am paying you under the table. You will leave my home as soon as you possibly can in exchange. I am sure."

Aang remarks, looking around in utter awe, "I see your office has more mahogany wood in it than is currently left in the Amazon Rainforest."

"Okay, you better watch your mouth," snarls Azula, straightening her shoulders, "or I will kick you out of my home and out of my office. I reserve full rights to do that."

"You're… not very nice, but thank you for the generosity and opportunity and I'll work my hardest."

"Fine." Azula gives him no props for being so sweet and so drastically like his cousin Ty Lee.

feels as if someone punched her in the gut. How could Azula say such a thing?

"Thank you," says Aang, grinning. He hugs the Shinohai and she shoves him away.

"Rule One: do not touch me."

"Sorry, boss." Aang cringes under the scrutiny of her vicious glare.

So it begins.