Hiya everyone. This is just a depressing little one-shot i made up on the spot. I had a bad day and felt like writing something a bit darker, though it's not all that dark. Anywayz itz written from Kagome's point of view, and portrays major OOC ness. Also AU.
When Does It Stop
Have you ever wondered why we're here?
I question myself on this every minute of every day. Now, I'm not a religious person. I don't know if there really is a god, and quite honestly I really don't give a shit. It's not going to drastically alter my life in anyway, or even make it better. I just wonder why we 'are'. What makes us alive? What makes us think and have feelings and opinions? Why do we feel pain? Why do we inflict it? Why do we do the things we do, act the way we act? Why do some of us always act so happy and cheerful? What do they find so good in their lives, in themselves, that makes them want to wake up each and every morning, with a smile permanently decorating that face? What do they see that I don't?
My friends Rin and Sango are like that. They're always acting like it's so good to be here, to be 'alive'. Rin's always so cheerful and carefree. I don't think anything or anyone could ever make that girl frown. She's always out there, doing things, helping others. No matter how hard I try I just can't seem to see her motivation. She comes from a harsh past. Her parents are divorced, her mother's a bitch and she never even sees her father. Yet here she is every day, treating the world like it's this amazing place to be in.
Then there's Sango. Her past is even more depressing. Her parents were killed several years ago and she was left to take care of her younger brother. Her parents didn't have much money, so she has to work herself to exhaustion every night just to buy food and pay the bills each week. But never once have I heard her complain. Never oncefelt her question herself. Never once saw her without her dazzling smile and charming personality.
I used to be like them once. I used to feel like I was on top of the world and no-one could stop me. I was always outgoing and optimistic as a child. Now I feel like everyday the darkness is getting closer. Consuming more of me each day. Sometimes I let myself go, get caught up in the happiness and laughter my friends thrust upon me. But no matter what, I always feel alone. I always feel like I'm not a part of it; an outsider looking in. It hurts. Hurts so badly that it just turns into a numb ache and soon I feel nothing.
How can everyone be so happy when I'm so miserable?
I look at the world as how it really is. A disappointment. A waste. A deathtrap. Everything that is born soon will die. We all die, it's inevitable. So why bother? What's there to live for?
I've often contemplated committing suicide. Found myself with the knife raised centimeters above my wrist. My hand half empty when seconds before it held a handful of pills. Yet I've never managed to take that final step. Maybe because I know that that won't give me the answers I so desperately crave. Maybe because subconsciously I'm really just afraid to step into that all consuming darkness. Who knows. All I know is that I don't want to be here. I know that I will spend the rest of my insignificant existence wondering what purpose I had in being here in the first place. Why am I here just to feel like this? This hollow shell.
The never ending darkness…..
…..when does it stop?
Short and pretty boring, but i felt like posting it anyway.
