A/N: So many reviewers! I love you all like I love hot guys wrestling naked covered in hot fudge. (Loses herself for a moment in that amazing imagery…) Rebellover – Good! I was hoping the beginning would throw people off! And I'm glad that you're hooked. It only gets better, I promise! molloch – I'm glad the characters seem real to you! That's one of my biggest things when I write. I'm definitely a dialogue writer more than anything. Apus-Equuleus– People who don't adore Remus/Sirius must be out of their minds, don't you think? What's cuter than puppy love? Jenny (Miss JaD) – My first return reviewer! I've always liked Lily too. She's so fun to write – especially because she is pretty much the only girl in this fic! LOL. sesshomaruhasafluffytail – Oh my goodness! I hope your poor hair is okay! Glad you're enjoying the fic!
Disclaimer: JKR owns Harry Potter and all his mates. I'm just a sad moocher.
Warning: Remus and Sirius are both guys. If you've read this far, you should probably have caught on to that by now.
Rating: T – For implied slash, mature themes, language, and whatever else happens in this chapter that little kids are probably already exposed to every day when they turn on the tv and watch the news or even their creepy little kid shows.
Okay, so it's only Tuesday and I said I wouldn't be posting 'till the weekend, but this chapter got written so it's getting posted! Lucky you.
Again, this chapter isn't quite what I thought it would be. I actually started the next chapter before this one, but a lot of BIG stuff happens next chapter and I didn't feel like there was enough of a lead up when I reread it.
So, sorry if this chapter feels at all like filler. I, personally, think it's really cute. And the insight into the characters is important for what happens next chapter.
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Chapter Three: Brothers
"I still don't think it was that funny." James muttered bitterly, over the wild laughter of his friends.
He, Lily, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were sharing a compartment on the Hogwarts Express, headed back for their final year of school. Sirius had just brought up the now infamous Lily and Remus falling asleep together story, much to the amusement of everyone but James.
"That's only because you didn't see your face when you opened the door!" Sirius told him, breaking off into another peal of laughter.
"You looked a bit upset yourself, Sirius." Lily mentioned casually, throwing Sirius a mischievous glance from across the compartment. His laughter died at Lily's remarks. His smile turned to a slight frown as he gazed at her, but it was quickly replaced by his usual smirk.
"I was just worried I would have to watch James kill Remus to defend your honor." He told her, playfully. But his gaze was locked into hers, a silent challenge to see if she would continue the game.
She was the first to look away, glancing at Remus. Whatever she saw on his face caused her to lean back in her seat with a sigh. She turned back to Sirius with a look that plainly said, 'Okay, you win.' She said nothing.
James couldn't fail to notice the silent conversation that seemed to be going on between his best friend and his girlfriend. He was about to comment on it when suddenly, the door slid open and another boy entered the compartment.
The boy shared Sirius' shaggy black hair and deep brown eyes, though he looked a few years younger. The seal on his robes was green, designating him as belonging to the rival house of Slytherin. The entire compartment seemed to fall even more silent at his entrance.
"Ah, if it isn't the noble Gryffindors." He greeted them, leaning against the door frame. He glanced over at Sirius and nodded to him. "Mum sends her love."
"I doubt it." Sirius replied darkly.
"Well, maybe love is a bit too strong a word for her sentiments." The boy conceded. "I believe her exact words were, 'If you see that filthy blood-traitor brother of yours, tell him he's been burned off the family tree' or something to that effect."
"Well, that's sweet." Sirius said sarcastically. "Are you done now, Regulus? We were kind of in the middle of something."
Regulus put a hand to his heart as if mortally wounded.
"That hurts, Sirius." He said, mock serious. "You can't even spare one minute for a brother you haven't seen all summer?"
"Well, I didn't see you dropping by my flat to say hi." Sirius retorted. "Nothing was stopping you, you know."
"You know, I really meant to." Regulus told him, in a manner which suggested the exact opposite was true. "But when I heard you were spending the summer with that pet wolf of yours…"
Regulus had barely got the words out of his mouth before Sirius was out of his seat, pushing him out of the compartment and into the hallway. He slid the door shut behind them.
"Don't you ever talk about Remus' condition like that." Sirius hissed, pinning his younger brother against the wall.
"Do you remember what I told you two years ago when you overheard that conversation between James and I?" Sirius asked. He smiled when Regulus squirmed, clearly remembering all too well. "Well, it still applies, okay? You might have grown up a bit since then, but I've still got a lot of muscle on you."
Regulus shrugged off Sirius' grasp and straightened his robes.
"I was just kidding around." He muttered. "It's not like anyone would have known what I was talking about unless they already knew."
Sirius rolled his eyes and moved to re-enter the compartment, but Regulus caught his arm.
"I really did mean to come by this summer." He said, sincerely this time. "But mum wouldn't hear of it…"
"It's okay, really." Sirius told him, shaking his head. "I wasn't waiting by the door or anything."
"Good. I just… well, still, I'm sorry." Regulus returned softly. After a moment he added, "They've been a hundred times worse since you left."
"You could have come with me…" Sirius started.
"No, I couldn't have." Regulus cut him off. Obviously this was an old conversation. "Look, I have to go. I just wanted to… I don't know."
"I get it." Sirius said softly.
He gave his brother a final nod of understanding, and then returned to the compartment. His friends were waiting expectantly.
"What was that all about?" Peter asked timidly, when Sirius sat back down without volunteering any information.
"Oh, you know," Sirius answered vaguely, "just brother stuff. That's all."
Remus gave Sirius a questioning look, but Sirius just shook his head. He never liked to talk about his family issues, even to Remus. The most anyone knew was that he and his parents had never seen eye to eye on things and that during Christmas break fifth year there had been some sort of major blowup that resulted in Sirius spending the following summer at the Potters. The only person out of the group to have met Sirius' parents was James, and that was only briefly, when he accompanied Sirius to get some of the things he had left at his old house. It turned out they needn't have bothered though, as his mother had apparently burned or threw out everything he owned.
His relationship to his brother was even more ambiguous. They rarely conversed at school and when they did, it was mostly with sarcasm. Yet they still somehow seemed to maintain a sort of brotherly affection for one another. Both brothers seemed to want to save the other from the choices they had made. Sirius couldn't understand why Regulus refused to question their parents' views of pureblood supremacy and Regulus, for his part, couldn't understand how Sirius was so willing to give up the Black family legacy, and all the power associated with it. Such was the fatal flaw in their relationship: neither could make the other understand.
The rest of the trip passed uneventful, especially with Sirius seemingly lost in his own world. James and Peter played a couple rounds of gobstones, and Lily and Remus spent most of the time reading. When the train started to slow, signaling their approach to Hogwarts, James and Lily stood. As head boy and girl, they had to oversee the other students as they made their way to the castle. James waited for Sirius' usual sarcastic remarks, as he fastened on his brass badge, but none came. He shot a glance at Remus and Peter who both shrugged.
"Well, we've got to go on ahead." He said finally.
When Sirius merely nodded, James added uncertainly, "You know, head boy duties and all."
"See you in the great hall." Sirius responded, without really looking at him, or at anyone.
James shot Remus a worried glance. Sirius not taking the opportunity to make fun of James for being appointed head boy? Something was definitely wrong.
Remus gave James a look that said, 'I'll talk to him.'
James nodded. With one last look at his despondent friend, he took Lily's hand and headed out into the corridor. The compartment fell back into complete silence. Remus wanted desperately to say something to Sirius, but he wanted to wait until they were alone. Ten minutes passed in silence, with the exception of a few poor attempts on Peter's part at starting conversation. Then finally it was time for them to exit the train.
Sirius was quiet all through dinner and the sorting as well. In the fun and bustle of the opening feast however, no one seemed to notice aside from Remus. Even James seemed to have forgotten his earlier concerns and spent most of the evening in a lively debate about the coming quidditch season. When they all made their way back to Gryffindor tower after the feast, Remus decided he needed to find a way to get Sirius alone. Most of the upperclassmen stayed in the common room for a bit on the first night, getting reacquainted and telling stories of their summers, but Sirius headed straight for their dorm room. Remus followed him.
"You want to tell me what's going on?" Remus asked once they were inside, the door closed behind them. Sirius sat down on his four poster bed and ran a hand through his hair as he did when he was agitated or stressed.
"I'm sorry." Sirius said quietly. "I know I've been a drag tonight."
"Is this about what happened on the train?" Remus asked. "Did Regulus say something?"
"You know, just the usual." Sirius answered vaguely.
"No, I don't know, Sirius." Remus replied, trying to keep the frustration out of his voice. "You never talk about your family."
"That's because there's nothing to talk about." Sirius muttered.
"Why did you move out of your parents' house?" Remus asked bluntly.
"I was just sick of them. I couldn't take it anymore." Sirius told him, without elaboration.
"Why? What happened?" Remus pushed.
"I don't want to talk about it." Sirius replied.
"Why not?" Remus prodded softly.
"Because it doesn't matter." Sirius said with a sigh.
"Obviously it does, or you wouldn't be so upset." Remus pointed out.
"That's not what I'm upset about!" Sirius exclaimed. Seeing Remus wasn't going to let it go, he added, "Fine, you want to know why I left my parents house? Because they found out about you."
"What? How?" Remus asked, bewildered.
"Regulus let it slip at dinner one night." Sirius related with a sigh. "He didn't mean to. He had just found out a few weeks ago and he was only thirteen at the time… still, I could've rung his neck. I mean, the four of us are having dinner, which is never a good thing, and Regulus is getting more and more agitated. He'd said it before I even knew what was happening."
"What happened?" Remus questioned hesitantly, not sure he really wanted to know the rest.
"My parents exploded, of course." Sirius said, shaking his head at the memory. "My mum went into a rant about 'filthy half-breeds' tainting the wizarding world and what a shame it was that the 'silver bullet solution' had been outlawed by the ministry. I couldn't stand them talking about you like that. I just had to get out. It was the final straw in a long line of things. If it hadn't have been that, it would have just been something else."
"Still, I can't believe you left your family because of me." Remus murmured softly.
"See, this is why I didn't want to talk about this." Sirius returned, turning so he could look Remus straight in the eye. "Look, Remus, those people – my parents, even Regulus – aren't my family. You are. You and James and Peter. We're pack brothers, remember? I'm okay with the way things turned out. You think I would've rather spent last summer with my parents than with you? Last summer was the best summer of my life."
Remus nodded slowly, accepting Sirius' words for the sincerity with which they were spoken.
"Well, if that isn't what's bothering you, then what is?" He asked finally, taking a seat next to Sirius on the bed.
"I don't know." Sirius told him. "It's just… being back here. Everything is different. And everything is exactly the same."
"What do you mean?" Remus asked, not understanding where he was going.
"What Lily said on the train about me being upset about finding you and her in bed together? Upset doesn't even begin to cover how I felt…" Sirius began.
"We just fell asleep…" Remus cut in.
"I know." Sirius interjected. "That's not the point. Seeing you in someone else's arms, it tore me up inside. I felt like I couldn't breath, like maybe my heart had stopped beating altogether. But when Lily mentioned it on the train I had to just laugh it off like it was nothing. I hate that."
He glanced around the room, laying a hand on the bed that they were sitting on.
"And I hate that when we go to bed tonight we'll be sleeping in separate beds." He continued. "I hate that when I wake up I'll be alone. I hate that. This lie is going to kill me, Remus, it's going to rip me apart."
"We talked about this." Remus reminded him, a hint of panic in his voice. "We decided…"
"We decided we'd talk about it later." Sirius finished, knowing Remus would rather forget that they never actually came to a decision. "But we never did."
"We can't tell them, Sirius." Remus said faintly.
"Why not?" Sirius asked. "You told Lily."
"That was different!" Remus exclaimed. "I was drunk, and Lily's… well, Lily. I knew that she would understand."
"So will James and Peter!" Sirius assured him.
"I can't take that chance." Remus whispered, his voice firm. He looked up at Sirius, willing him to understand. "You said that we were your family, right? Well, it's the same for me. I can't lose James and Peter, Sirius. I know what it's like to be all alone and I can't do that again."
"You won't be alone." Sirius told him, his voice filled with emotion. "You'll have me. No matter what, you'll always have me."
"I know. But we just can't." Remus replied, sadly, looking away from him. "I'm sorry, Sirius. We just can't tell them."
Just then, the door opened, and James and Peter came in, still laughing from something that had happened downstairs.
"You guys missed it!" James informed them, collapsing onto his bed and pulling off his shoes.
"It was brilliant!" Peter added, seated on his own bed.
"What happened?" Sirius asked, trying to muster up some fake enthusiasm for their story.
As Peter and James related their story to Sirius amid bursts of laughter, Remus quickly changed into his bedclothes and slipped under his sheets, pulling the curtains closed around him.
He lay back on his pillow staring at the ceiling, trying to fall asleep, but really just picturing the hurt look on Sirius' face. He didn't want to do anything to hurt Sirius. But the truth was, he couldn't handle it if people (especially his friends) thought he was any more of a freak then they already did. He knew all about secrets, and as far a he was concerned, some secrets had to stay secrets forever. It was the only way he knew how to live.
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There you have it, chapter three! You know you want to review. All the cool kids are doing it.
Next chapter… Playah!Sirius? Oh no. Plus Whipped!James is fast becoming Blind!James. He can't seem to see what's happening right it front of him.
